The second to last episode of Pulp Bookerman. Ain't it wacky how time flies when you're having fun? And when you're draining your brain for comedy while writing weekly episodes for a wrestling site as well. . .

Let's not waste time: Pulp Bookerman is Pulp Fiction with wrestling characters. For maximum enjoyment, readers should first have seen Pulp Fiction, prefferably more than a dozen times. Second, readers should have read all the old episodes. They are located in the Official Pulp Bookerman Archives. Go there, read all the episodes, bookmark the page, tell your friends, and sell your soul to the highest bidder. Oh sorry, that last one is optional.

Now, since this little Tarantino influenced wrestling adventure will only go on for one more episode (after this one), I advise you to quit putting off the e-mails on the matter that you've long been planning on sending to me. I want feedback, sucka!

Please?

Oh, and I almost forgot: a column of mine now goes up on yet another site. It's called Notes from the Ross Report and goes up weekly on WrestleArena. Can you guess what the column is about?

Yet another item I almost forgot, but ultimately didn't: Anyone who has webmasterin' skills and some time on his or her hands, and who's interested in being involved in the first FUNNY wrestling parody site on the Internet, drop me a line.

If that above statement sounded familiar, well. . . you have a good memory, sir. Or madam. Or three-fingered sloth.

That's all, I believe. Let's get it on.

The Ruse: Is he the hysterical type? When is he due? . . . Uh-huh. . . Give me the principles' namez again. Diamond Dallas. . . Kevin. . .

In the notebook, we see that he's written:

DALLAS (trailor park)

KEVIN (lanky but w/ beer gut)

The Ruse: Stevie. . . Uh-huh. . .

Below the names of the two bookermen, he writes:

STEVIE

ONE BODY
NO HEAD

The Ruse: It's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.

nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later

The Ruse: You're Scotty, right? This is your house?

Raven: Sure is.

The Ruse: My name is Mr. Russo. I solve problemz.

Raven: That's good, because we've got one.

The Ruse: So I hear. May I come in?

Raven: Yeah, please do.

They go inside.

DDP and Kevin are standing there. Russo takes a quick look.

The Ruse: You must be Diamond Dallas. Which should make you Kevin.

They both nod.

The Ruse: Let's get down to brass tax, gentlemen. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking and this segment has already gone almost a minute, right Scotty?

Raven: Uh, one hundred per cent.

The Ruse: Your wife, Stevie, comes home at 9.30 am, is that correct?

Raven: Uh-huh.

The Ruse: I've been led to believe that if he comes back and finds us here, he won't appreciate it none too much?

Raven: You can word it that.

The Ruse: Alright, that gives us forty minutes to get the fuck out of dodge. Which if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty. Now, you've got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in a garage. Take me to it.

The Ruse: Scotty?

Raven: Uh-huh?

The Ruse: Could you do me a favor? I thought I smelledlalalala what you were pouring back there. Could you make me a glass of SURGE!!!!?

Raven: Um. . . Yeah, sure.

He starts to go, but stops himself.

Raven: How do you. . . take it?

The Ruse: Poured up quick, little substance.

Raven goes back into the kitchen to do as told.

The Ruse: About the car, is there anything I need to know? Does it smoke, does it stall, does it make a lot of noise, is there gas in it, or is it in any other way similar to the Sandman?

DDP: Aside from how it looks, the car is cool.

The Ruse: Positive? Don't send me out there on the job and I find out I have Standards and Practices limiting my amazing creative ability!

DDP: Hey, as far as I know, the motherscummer's tip-top. By the way, I don't think Standards and Practices really care about how the car looks--. . .

The Ruse: You never know with them lousy no-good moralistz. They're out to get me, I say! Now before this segment goes on for too long, let's get back to the kitchen.

The Ruse: Thank you Scotty.

He drinks it and offers Scotty a nod of appreciation.

The Ruse: Mm. (to Kevin Nash and DDP:) OK. First up, you two: Take the body, stick it in the trunk. Now Scotty. This seems to be a pretty domesticated house. That would lead me to believe that in the garage or under the sink you've got a bunch of cleanerz and cleanserz and shit like that?

Raven seems a bit embarrassed to be so "domesticated".

Raven (blushing): Yeah yeah, Mr. Russo. Under the sink.

The Ruse: Good. (turning back to the two bookermen:) What I need for you two fellaz to do is take those cleaning productz and clean the inside of the car. I'm talking fast, fast, fast; Crash TV, baby! You need to go in the back seat. Scoop up all those little piecez of vanilla and skull, get it out of there. Wipe down the upholdstery. Now when it comes to upholstery, it don't need to be spic and span. You don't need to eat off it. You might like vanilla, but it just wouldn't be hygenic. Just give it a good once-over. What you need to take care of are the real messy partz. The poolz of vanilla that have collected, you need to soak that shit up. Now Scotty: we need to raid your linen closet. I need blanketz, I need comforterz, I need quiltz, I need bedspreadz. The thicker the better. The darker the better. No whitez. Can't use 'em. Quite the opposite of my booking, really. We need to camoflague the interior of the car. We're gonna line the front seat and the back seat and the floorboardz with quiltz and blanketz. So if someone from Standards and Practices stops us and starts sticking his big snout in the car, the subterfuge won't last, but at a glance, the car will appear to be normal. Scotty, lead the way. Boyz, get to work.

Kevin: A 'please' would be nice.

The Ruse: Come again?

Kevin: I said a 'please' would be nice.

The Ruse: Get it straight Master Blaster, I'm not here to say 'please'. I'm here to tell you what to do. Now, if self preservation is an instinct you possess, you better do it and do it quick. I'm here to help. If my help's not appreciated, lotz of luck, bookermen.

DDP: No no no, Mr. Russo, it's not like that. Your help's definitely appreciated.

Kevin: Mr. Russo, look. I don't mean to disrespect. I respect you. I just don't like people barging orders at me, that's all.

The Ruse: If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast so that this segment doesn't go on for too long. So pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the fucking car.

As the Ruse and Scotty go in to get the blankets and such in the bedroom, DDP stares angily at Kevin.

Kevin: Don't be lookin' at me like that! I can feel your look. It's almost as bad as your smell.

The Ruse: It's a 1974 Chevy Nova . . . Green . . . Nothing except for the mess inside.

He looks at his watch.

The Ruse: About. . . twenty minutez.

Raven comes in carrying a stack of dark quilts, blankets, and bedspreads. He sits down on a bed.

The Ruse: Nobody who'll be missed . . . You're a good man, Gerald. Thankz a bunch.

He hangs up.

The Ruse: How're we coming Scotty?

Raven: Pretty good, I got it all here. But Mr. Russo, you've gotta understand something here--. . .

The Ruse: The Power That Be, All Powerful Booker and All-Around Genius. Scotty, please, The Power That Be, All Powerful Booker and All-Around Genius.

Raven: Erm. . . OK. . . You've gotta understand something, The Power That Be, All Powerful Booker and All-Around Genius. This is our best linen here. And, erm. . . it was a wedding present from my uncle Conrad and my aunt Ginny, and they're not with us anymore. And, I really wanna help you guys out--. . .

The Ruse: Let me ask you a question, Scotty. If you don't mind?

Raven: No, please, please, go ahead.

The Ruse: Your uncle Conrad and aunt Ginny. . . Were they millionairez?

Raven: No way, I'm not from a wealthy family at all! Nope, not at all! I'm a rebel! I'm Raven! They were NOT millionaires!

The Ruse: Well, your uncle Hollywood Hogan is. And I'm positive, if your uncle Conrad and aunt. . .?

Raven: Ginny.

The Ruse: . . .Ginny were, they would furnish you with a whole bedroom set. Which your uncle Hollywood is more than happy to do.

He reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a roll of bills and starts counting them up.

The Ruse: I like oak myself. That's what I have in my bedroom. How 'bout you Scotty? You an oak man?

Raven: Oak's nice. . . (catches himself) I mean, erm. . . to smash into pieces and stuff. That's what I mean. I'm hardcore, you see! It's nice. . .

DDP: Man, I will never forget your ass for this scum! This is some scummed up repugnant scum!

Kevin: Hey, no need to go bringin' up my booking. I thought it turned out quite nice back then, even if the PPV buyrates weren't exactly--. . .

DDP: I'm not talkin' about your damn booking, Kevin! I'm talkin' about this!

Kevin: Oh. Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he's wrong, he is immediately forgiven for all his wrong doings? Have you ever heard that?

DDP: Get the scum out of my face with that scum! The motherscummer who said that scum never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull on account of your dumb ass!

Kevin: I got a treshold, Dallas. I got a treshold for the abuse that I will take. And right now, I'm Bob "Spark Plug" Holly, alright? And you've got me in the phase where I've been held down for so long and abused so much that I might soon come out on my own with a whole other gimmick. And I'm just saying, I'm just saying that it's fucking dangerous to have Bob "Spark Plug" Holly in the fucking phase where he's been held down for so long. I could blow.

DDP: Oh, you ready to blow?!

Kevin: Yeah, I'm ready to blow.

DDP: Well I'm a mushroom cloud-layin' motherscummer, motherscummer! Every time my fingers touch chunks of vanilla, I'm TNT Tucker! I'm Adam Bomb! In fact, what the scum am I doing in the back?! You're the one who should be on chunk-detail! We're scummin' switching. I'm washing the windows, and you're pickin' up this jobbers skull!

The Ruse: Fine job, bookermen. We may get out of this yet.

Raven also takes a look inside.

Raven: I can't believe this is the same car.

The Ruse: Well, let's not start giving ourselves the JR Blowjob of the Week quite yet. Phase one complete, cleaning the car, which moves us right along to face two: clean you two.

They go outside.

The Ruse: Strip.

Kevin: All the way?

The Ruse: To your bare ass. It brings in the ratingz!

He looks at his watch. Page and Nash take off their clothes.

The Ruse: Quickly, bookermen. We've got about fifteen minutez before Scotty's better half comes pulling in the driveway.

DDP: Scum, this mornin' air's some chilly scum!

Kevin: You sure this is absolutely necessary?

The Ruse: You know what you guys look like?

Kevin: What?

The Ruse: Like a couple of guyz who just blew a vanilla midget's head up. Strippin' off those soiled ragz is absolutely necessary. Toss 'em in Scott's garbage bag.

Raven holds open a black garbage bag for them to put the clothes in.

DDP: Don't do nothin' stupid like leavin' this scum out front for Duke the Dumpster to pick it up, you know what I'm sayin'?

The Ruse: Don't worry, we're taking it with us. Scott, the soap.

Raven gives the two bookermen a bar of soap each.

The Ruse: Alright, you've both been in the indyz before, I'm sure. Here it comes.

He pushes down the trigger of the hose and the water shoots out at them.

DDP: Scum, the water's scummin' cold!

The Ruse: Better you than me, bookermen! Don't be afraid of the soap. . . Spread it around.

Raven: Get them up there. . .

Russo squirts them for a while longer, then stops the hose.

The Ruse (to Raven): Towelz.

Raven throws DDP and Kevin a towel each. They start to dry off.

The Ruse: They're dry enough. Toss them their clothes.

The Ruse: Ha ha! Perfect! Perfect, we couldn't have planned this better! You guyz look like. . . What do they look like, Scotty?

Raven: ECW fans. They look like a couple of ECW fans!

Raven and The Ruse share a laugh at the expense of the two bookermen.

DDP: Ha-ha. They're your clothes, motherscummer.

The Ruse: Come on bookermen. We're laughing ourselves right into the handz of Standards and Practices. Also, this segment is running long.

Alright bookermen, let's get the rulez of the road straight. We're going to a place called Brisco Brothers' Body Shop. Now, Gerald Brisco and his brother Jack are sympathetic to our dilemma. This is West Hollywood, so a few twists and turns aside, we'll be going up Hollywood way. Now, I'll drive the tainted car. Dallas, you ride with me. Kevin, you follow in my Acura. Now, if we come across any Standards and Practices folkz, nobody does a fucking thing until I do something. What did I say?

DDP: Don't do scum, unless. . .

The Ruse: Unless what?

DDP: Unless you do it first.

The Ruse: Spoken like a true Chosen One. (turning to Kevin:) How 'bout you, Curly Bill? Can you keep your spurs from jinglin' and janglin'?

Kevin: Mr. Russo, listen, the gun went off, I don't know why. I'm cool, I promise you.

The Ruse: Fair enough. Now, I drive real fucking fast, what I call Crash-driving, so keep up.

He gives Kevin the car keys.

The Ruse: If I get my car back any different from the way I gave it, Gerald Brisco's gonna be disposin' of two bodies.

The Ruse: Out of my way, Pepper.

DDP: We cool?

The Ruse: Like it never happened. Boyz, meet Jack. One day, this'll all be his.

Jack: Hi guys. So, what's with the outfits? You guys going to an Arena show or something?

Russo laughs.

The Ruse: I'm takin' milady out for breakfast. Maybe I could drop you off. Where do you live?

Kevin: Vegas.

DDP: Next door to Eric Bischoff.

Russo goes into a Damian DeMento-esque 'trance' act, holding his hands up as if he's getting a vision.

The Ruse: It's. . . your future! I see a. . . a cab ride! (drops the act:) Move out of the stickz, fellaz. Say goodnight Jack.

Jack: Goodnight Jack.

The Ruse: I'll see you guyz around. Stay out of trouble, you crazy kidz.

DDP: Mr. Russo? I just wanna tell you it was a real pleasure watching you work.

He reaches out and shakes Russo's hand. Kevin Nash does the same.

Kevin: Yeah really, and thanks a lot Mr. Russo.

The Ruse: Call me The Power That Be, All Powerful Booker and All-Around Genius.

He and Jack go over to the Acura.

The Ruse: See that, old man? Respect. Respect for one's superiorz shows character.

Jack: I have character!

The Ruse: Just because you are a character, doesn't mean you have character.

They drive off.

DDP: Wanna share a cab?

Kevin: I could go for some breakfast. Would you like to have breakfast with me?

DDP: Cool.