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| Guest Columns | Mr. JF |
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PULP BOOKERMAN Episode 4 Another day, another episode. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Concept: Pulp Fiction, but with wrestling characters. I have a, to use a Tony-ism, *literally* splitting headache, so that's all the concept I'm going to explain today. If you're interested, the first three episodes contain a better explanation. Also, they come before this episode, so you should go read them, if you haven't already. If you've read them before, you can stay here. Do I really have to point that out? This episode has been on [slash] before. If you need an explanation for why it's reappearing, that's to be found in episodes one, two, and three. Those might be links if Massa Chris feels like it, or they might not. (Shit, you think I actually READ these intros looking for things to hyperlink, JF? Come ON, MAAAAAAN. - CRZ) If they're not I bet you can easily find your way all by your lonesome. Anyway, feedback's appreciated. Thanks to people who e-mail me. Can't get enough of that praise! Well, before my head explodes. . . Let's get it on. (ACHTUNG! May contain old jokes. ACHTUNG!) PULP BOOKERMAN episode 4. Diamond Dallas Page and Kevin Nash enter a room. In it, we see Dean Malenko, with a look of indifference on his face, sitting by a table. Eddy Guerrero is lying in a bed. Chris Benoit is pressed up against a wall. DDP: Hey kids. How you boys doin'? (as Eddy starts to get out of bed) Hey, keep vanillin'. Get it? "Vanillin'" as in Vanilla Midgets! Hah! That was a good one, Kev! Kev (from the kitchen): Yup. DDP: You know who we are? We're associates of your business partner Hollywood Hogan. You do remember your business partner, don’t you? Now let me take a wild guess. You're Dean, right? *Dean, with a look of indifference on his face, nods*. I thought so. You remember your business partner Hollywood Hogan, don't you Dean? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): Yeah, I remember. DDP: Good. Looks like me and Kevin caught you boys at breakfast. Sorry 'bout that. What're you having? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): Hamburgers. DDP: Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kind of hamburgers? Dean (nervously, with a look of indifference on his face): Eh. . . Cheeseburgers. DDP: Nononono. I mean where'd you get 'em? The Nitro Grill, The Bushwhackers Down Under, Abdullah the Butcher's House of Ribs and Chinese Food , where? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): Erm. . . Big Kahuna Burger. DDP: Big Kahuna Burger! That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I hear Crush used to work there. I used to like him, he was on that RAW show thing. Remember him, Kev? I wonder where he went. Nash: Beats me. DDP: Anyway, I hear they got some tasty burger. I ain't never had one myself, how are they? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): Good. DDP: You mind if I try one of yours? This is yours here, right? *Dean nods, with a look of indifference on his face* DDP (takes a bite): Mmhm! This *is* a tasty burger! Kevin! You ever had a Big Kahuna burger? Want a bite? They're real tasty. Kev: Ain't hungry. Besides, I don't wanna risk pullin' a "Mark Henry" if you know what I'm sayin'. DDP: Well, if you like burgers, give them a try some time. Me, I can't usually get one, 'cause my wife's a vegetarian. Kev (interrupting): Yeah, I've tossed her salad once or twice. DDP: Huh? Kev: She's peeled my potatoes, too. DDP: What the hell're you talking about Big Scummy? What's that crap supposed to mean? Kev: I've no idea. I heard K-Dawg say it, though. Must mean somethin'. DDP (a bit annoyed): As I was sayin', she's a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian. I do love the taste of a good burger, though. Mmm! You know what they call a Ham 'n' Egger like Reese in McMahonland? Dean (perplexed, but with a look of indifference on his face): No. DDP: Tell 'em Kevin. Kevin: Silva. DDP: Silva! You know why they call it that? Dean (after a moment of thinking, with a look of indifference on his face): Erm. . . Because of the Oddity system? DDP: Check out the big brain on Dean! You're a smart mother-scummer! That's right, the Oddity system. (pointing to a bottle on the table) What's in this? Dean (screaming at the top of his lungs, with a look of indifference on his face): SUUUURGEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! DDP: SUUUURGEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!, good. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): Go right ahead. DDP: Ahh, that hit the spot. (turning to Eddy Guerrero on a bed) You, Scumdillyscum-scum!. Know why we're here? Why don't you tell my man Kevin here where you got the stuff hidden? Benoit (still pressed up against the wall): It's over there. DDP: I don't remember asking you a God-scummed thing! Haven't we told you to NEVER speak? Shut up, so we don't have you getting over or nothin'! Eddy: It's in the cupboard. *Kevin Nash opens the cupboard over the sink* No, the one by your knees. *Kevin Nash attempts to bend down, but his knees give out and he falls helplessly to the ground.* DDP: *sighs* Why does this always happen? (to Dean) You put it there on purpose, didn't you? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): No, honest. I put it there 'cause I can't reach any higher. DDP: OK, I guess I believe that. Kev (still crawling around on the floor): Don't worry, I got it. *crawls up to a semi-standing position with help from the sink. Puts a briefcase on the sink and opens it.* DDP: We happy? *No answer. Kev seems enchanted by what’s in the briefcase.* DDP: Kevin? We happy? Kevin: Yeah, we happy. Dean (trying to get of this, with a look of indifference on his face): Look, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. I got yours, Kevin, right? But I never got--. . . Kevin: My name's Pitt, and you ain't talking your way out of this doodoo. Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): Isn't that supposed to rhyme. . .? DDP: Well, yeah, but we're G-rated. At select times, anyway. Proceed. Dean (stands up, with a look of indifference on his face): I just want you to know. . . (realizes that he's even shorter when he's standing and quickly sits down again). I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up between us and Mr. Hogan. We got into this thing with the best intentions, really. I never--. . . DDP (turns to Eddy): *BANG!* (turns back to Dean) Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. It's just my catchphrase that slips out sometimes. I can't really control it. Please continue. You were saying something about "best intentions"? What's the matter? Oh, you were finished? Well, then allow me to retort! What does Hollywood Hogan look like? Dean (surprised, with a look of indifference on his face): What? DDP: What country are you from? Dean (uncomprehendingly, with a look of indifference on his face): Wh-what? DDP: What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What? Dean (with a look of indifference on his face): What, I. . . DDP: English, mother-scummer, do you speak it? Dean (yelling, with a look of indifference on his face): Yes! DDP: Then you know what I'm saying. Describe what Hollywood Hogan looks like! Dean(with a look of indifference on his face): What. . .? DDP: Say 'what' again! I dare you, I double dare you mother-scummer, say 'what' one more God-scummed time! Dean(with a look of indifference on his face): He's orange. DDP: Go on. Dean(with a look of indifference on his face): He's bald. DDP: Does he look like a bitch? Dean (surprised) with a look of indifference on his face): What? DDP: *BANG!* Dean (holding his ears, with a look of indifference on his face, and screaming): Arrgh! DDP: Does he look like a bitch? Dean(with a look of indifference on his face): Nooo! DDP: Then why did you try to fuck him like a bitch, Dean? Yes you did! Yes you did Dean! You tried to fuck him. But Hollywood Hogan don’t like to be fucked by anybody except Mr. Bischoff. You read the Book of Catchphrases, Dean? Dean (lying, for his own good, with a look of indifference on his face): Yes. DDP: Well, there's this little passage I got memorized, Diamond Dallas 25:17. Sort of fits this occasion: "The path of the bookerman is beset on all sides by the inequities of the talented, and the tyranny of workrate freaks. Blessed is he, who in the name of tradition and sports entertainment carries the stiffs through the matches of Nitro, for he is truly the workrate's keeper, and the finder of lost quality. And I will lay the smack down upon thee with great vengeance and furious roid rage those who attempt to outwrestle and expose my brothers. And you will know my name as the Bookerman, when I lay my catchphrase upon thee!" DDP & Kev: *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* *BANG!* Mr JF [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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