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| Guest Columns | Mr. JF |
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PULP BOOKERMAN Episode 9 Quote of the Week: "JF HAS KNOW BALLS" -- NEIL149, some guy who got pissed at me in a certain wrestling-related chat room. And another Quote of the Week, also from NEIL149, after another chatter asked him what 'know balls' meant: "Testicoles sacks nuts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" NEIL149 is a big Hogan fan. Now, back to the world of the coherent. Don't you love it when you have an episode of a serial ready to send in on a Wednesday, and your e-mail account won't allow you to log in, so you have to wait until the next day? I don't. The following paragraph is for people who are encountering Pulp Bookerman for the first time (long time readers, close your eyes): Pulp Bookerman is a parody of Pulp Fiction, but with wrestlers and wrestling personalities in the roles. Earlier episodes are here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. If you don't read them, you might burn in hell. Seriously. If the scenes seem to be in the wrong order, the storyline seems confusing, or the dialogue seems - for lack of a better word - fucked, it's because I am following the movie almost to the letter. Except for the natural changes that occur when people like Dallas Page and Kevin Nash replace the normal actors and the whole thing turns wrestling-related, of course. Hopefully, it's readable even if you haven't seen the movie. For those who have the movie at home, here's a fun time killer: print out all the Pulp Bookerman episodes (if you don't have a printer: carry the computer into your living room), sit down with a bowl of popcorn, watch the movie while reading Pulp Bookerman, and see it all come together. You might even get the Phineas I. Godwinn joke from last week. It's not good, however. Write me. That's it, I believe. Let's get it on. PULP BOOKERMAN Episode 8. (Hey, JF, don't you mean 9? - CRZ) We see a young boy of maybe nine years watching "Hulk Hogan's Rock 'N' Wrestling" on TV. He's bald, mean-looking, and has a tattoo on his right arm. It's Young Goldberg. His mother (who looks suspiciously like Nikita Koloff) walks in, alongside a very large man dressed in polka dotted tights. Mom: Billy? Billy, stop watching TV a second. We have a special visitor. Billy does as told and turns off the TV. Mom: You remember when I told you your daddy died in that one-hour NWA marathon match? Now, this here is Dusty Rhodes. He was in the NWA with your daddy. Dusty: Hello, littul man. Boyee, ah sho' heard a loff abouf you. See, ah waff a good friend of your pops. We were in dat dere NWA pithell of pure rasselin' for five long years, if you wheeeel!! Hopefullee, you'll nevah have to experience this here, buf when two men are in a situashone like dat dere foh as long as we were, you take on soitain respontibilidies of the othah. If id be me that not. . . made id, ah'm sho' Poppa Goldberg would be talkin' to mah boy now, Duffthin. Buf da way it toined ouf, ah be the one doin' da talkin' to you. . . Bill. I got somefang foh yah. He takes out a watch. Dusty: Dis here watch right here was foist poichased back by your great-grandpops during de foist rasselin' boom. He bought id from one of de foist companies to evah make watches wiff second hands. See, befoh dat, folks just knew they match times in minutes. Id waff bought by midcardah Efraim Goldberg right befoh he waff abouf to go up against Bruno Sammartino. Dis here waff you great-grandpop's match time watch, an' he wore id when he waff in dat dere match. Aftah he lost da match by submithion aftah Bruno had 'im in de same hold fo' toity minutes, he went home to your great-grandmomma an' put dis here watch in a ol' coffee can, if you wheeeel. An' in dat dere can id stayed until your grandpops, Eugene Goldberg, waff called into da bidniss to fight de champ. Bruno again. Dis here time Bruno waff almost de only rasseler around, yah see, an' he waff champ foh a looong toim. Eugene Goldberg luck watn't as good as his pops, and Eugene waff killed after he ran out off breath aftah two minutes in dat dere match. Your grandpops waff facing deaff if de match went longer dan three minutes, an' he know dat. None of de Goldbergs nevah had any illuthions of leavin' a marathon match alive. So, three days befoh' de toitle match, your grandpops gave dis watch to a Japanese rasseler named Inoki, a man he had nevah met, to delivah, to his infant son who he'd nevah seen in de flesh, his match time watch. He holds up the watch again. Dusty: Dis here watch. Dis here watch waff on your pops' wrist when he waff in a shootmatch wiff Ric Flair. An' he knew, dat if de bookahs saw he waff plannin' on doin' a shoit match, they waff gonna take dis here watch from 'im. So, he shined id up reeeaaal good, toined id sideways and hid id in de only place he knew he could hide somefin', his candy ass. Five long minutes he hid dis watch up his candy ass. Den, when he died of exhaushion in dat dere Flair match, he gave me de watch. Ah waff curious, so ah shoved id up mah candy ass as well. Foh' two years ah hid dat dere piece of metal up my ass. You see, ah'd forgotten all abouf id. Den one day, ah got a punch in mah belly an' id popped out, jus' like dat, if you wheeeell. Now, littul man, ah'm givin' de watch to you. . . The adult Goldberg wakes up abruptly in the backstage area of an arena. He was dreaming about that special childhood occasion in his life when he was given the family's match time watch. He is dressed in wrestling trunks. His trainer, a rather large red haired man, comes in. Vader: It's time! It's time! It's match time, Bill. Goldberg starts hitting his head a lot, and walks out for his match and we fade to black. When we come back, the match is apparently over. We can hear two commentators being very excited. Tenay: It has been confirmed, David Flair *is* dead! Shiavone: Well, Mike, that has to be the bloodiest and hands down the most brutal match Nitro has ever seen. This is the greatest moment in the history of this great sport! Goldberg was out of there quicker than I've ever seen him. Do you think he knew Flair was dead? Tenay: I don't know, we never get scripts telling us the storylines. Shiavone: Do you think this, the greatest tragedy in the history of our sport, will affect the sport? Tenay: I still don't know how I'm supposed to be selling this. Was this a face turn for Flair? Is he really dead? Is Goldberg a heel now? I mean, should we get *some* info beforehand? Nevermind, because in the main event tonight--. . . We see a cab parked on the street, with a dark haired man with an evil goatee behind the wheel. He has been listening to the match on the radio, but turns it off. At the same time, Goldberg jumps out of a window of a near-by building. . . We cut to Kevin Nash and Scott Hall walking through corridors. They arrive at a door, knock, and it opens. Inside, Hollywood Hogan, obviously PO'd that Goldberg didn't do the job, stands with his back to them. Eric Bischoff should be in this shot as well, but has been edited out. Hogan: What you got? Hall: He booked. Hogan: His trainer? Hall: Says he don't know nothin'. I believe him. Think Bill surprised his ass--. . . Hogan: No, we don't wanna think, we wanna know! Take him to the Kennel in a Cell and sic the Boss Man on his ass, we'll find out for God-damned sure what he knows and what he doesn't. Hall: The search, how do you want it done? Hogan: I'm prepared to scout the Earth for that brotha, sucka. If he goes to New Japan, I want a jobba hidin' in a bowl of fruit ready to put some crap in his bag. Hall: I will take care of it. Mr JF [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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