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| Guest Columns | Matt Hayden |
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NITRO'S LOGICAL CONCLUSION week 3 I DID say that my columns would be varied, but I kinda like doing these Nitro parodies, so here's another one. This is the third installment, so you might want to read the first column and then the second one before this one, if you haven't already. The following Nitro transcript takes place one week after the Nitro in Part 2. (Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan are your announcers, seated at the Announce Table). Tony: Hello fans, and welcome to the NUMBER ONE ATLANTA BASED WRESTLING ORGANIZATION IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT! Bobby: That's right Tony. Lash Leroux takes on Silver King, and Shane Douglas apparently has an announcement to make. I also hear you have an announcement regarding that Cruiserweight belt you were awarded last week by Juventud Guerrera. Tony: Yeah, well, I'll admit Brain, I like being known as the WCW Cruiserweight Champion, but it's just not me. I have someone else in mind. That's all I'm saying for now. Bobby: Sure, Tony, but something even more important than that is - (Loud music blares, and Lenny and Lodi make their way to the ring. Lodi takes the mic.) Lodi: OK......... the time for talkin' is over. We've been after those tag team belts for months now, but the champs seem to be dodgin' us. We're not leavin' this ring until they show up. So Jerry Flynn and Glacier, get out here! Tony: That is undeniable, Brain. Ever since Jerry Flynn and Glacier won those belts from Scott Hall and Goldberg, they haven't exactly been defending them a lot. Bobby: I have to agree with you there, Tony, but look - here come the champs now! (Jerry Flynn and Glacier come out, without the tag team belts. Glacier has a mic.) Glacier: OK, OK...... we understand you guys are mad, but we ain't gonna have a regular tag match for the titles. If we're gonna defend our belts, we need some stipulations. First, we pick the referee. We're also gonna wrestle under "Glacier rules"...... which means only pinfalls and submissions attempted by my team are counted. Fair enough? Lenny: LIKE WE SAID, THE TIME FOR TALKIN' IS OVER! WE'LL WRESTLE USING YOUR RULES, AND WE'RE GONNA WIN THOSE BELTS TOO! (Flynn and Glacier rush the ring, and the match begins.) Tony: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS FOLKS!!!!!!!!! THE FIRST "GLACIER RULES" MATCH IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!! LENNY AND LODI ARE GONNA HAVE A TOUGH TIME PULLING THIS ONE OUT BRAIN, AS ANY PINFALLS OR SUBMISSIONS ATTEMPTED BY THEM AREN'T COUNTED! Bobby: Well, they're a good young team. I think they have a shot. (The match rages for nearly 20 minutes, until Lenny hits a top rope bulldog and covers Flynn. The ref registers the 3-count). Tony: LENNY AND LODI WIN!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE THE NEW TAG CHAMPS!!!! EVEN OVERCOMING ALL THE STIPULATIONS ENFORCED BY GLACIER........ WOW! ( J.J. Dillon appears on the ramp, with a mic). Dillon: Guys, guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the WCW Executive Committee was hard at work when they noticed this title change that just took place. However, WCW rules state that the Tag Team belts cannot change hands during the first match of Nitro. Therefore you guys are stripped of the belts. However, Glacier and Jerry Flynn won the belts in the same manner, so they don't get them either. It seems as if the last tag team champs we had that won the belts legally were Disco Inferno and Alex Wright, however, they're no longer a tag team. So, the fairest way to do this is to award the tag belts to the two men scheduled to wrestle in the next match. That would be........... Sid and El Dandy, you're the new WCW Tag Team Champions!!!!!!! (Lenny, Lodi, Jerry Flynn and Glacier all begin to brawl back to the locker room. Sid and El Dandy each come out, take a tag belt, and enter the ring for their match.) Tony: THE WCW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, SID AND EL DANDY, ARE FIGHTING LIVE ON WCW MONDAY NITRO????????? THE TEAM MUST HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING PROBLEMS....... DON'T YOU THINK BRAIN??? Bobby: It must be, Tony. Anytime two partners fight, especially when they're the champs, is surprising. I'd say there's a big story behind this. Tony: Indeed there is, Brain, but............ Sid is setting El Dandy up for a chokeslam!!!!! (Sid chokeslams Dandy, then gives him a powerbomb and pins him.) Tony: SID VICIOUS HAS PINNED HIS PARTNER, EL DANDY, AND IS NOW THE TAG TEAM CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sid takes both tag belts, and puts one on each shoulder. Then he grabs a mic). Sid: I am the Millennium Man. I will rack up more wins than anybody can count. Right now I am 989-0...... and I'm going to build on that tonight. Hulk Hogan........ GET OUT HERE AND FACE THE MASTER, AND THE RULER...... of the world. (Hulk Hogan appears at the top of the ramp). Hogan: Hey brother, I've never had any problems with you. What's wrong? You have been trainin', sayin' your prayers and eatin' your vitamins, right? What's the problem? Sid: The last time we fought, Hogan, you nearly ended my career. I've wanted revenge ever since.... and now I've got something I know you want........ the tag team belts. Hogan: Listen brother, even though we've never fought, I'd be more than glad to fight ya. Because ya see Sid, I've had a problem with you ever since you entered WCW that fateful day 11 years ago, and began compiling your streak of 1232 wins without a loss. I've wanted a piece of you, brother. So what's the deal? Sid: THIS is the deal. If you win, you get both tag team belts. If I win, you retire. Hogan: I'm up for it, brother, but you see, I'm also the WCW Heavyweight Champion. So if I DO lose, I'm not givin' up my belt. That comes with me, wherever I go. J.J. Dillon, get out here so I can confirm something. (Dillon quickly scampers out). Hogan: Dillon, if I lose to Sid tonight and I'm forced to retire, can you give me official permission to take the belt with me? Dillon: I most certainly can do that, Hulk. If you lose, you can keep the WCW Heavyweight belt as a token of appreciation for all you've done in WCW these past 17 years. The belt will be officially retired...... just like you. Hogan: That's great, brother, so I guess - (Goldberg's music begins to play. He walk onto the ramp.) Goldberg: ARRRRGHHHHHHH! YOU GUYS CAN'T HAVE A WORLD TITLE MATCH WITHOUT ME! SO........... here's the deal. We'll have a Triple Threat Match. Tony: A WHAT????? WHAT IS THE MAN TALKING ABOUT?? Goldberg: Me against Hulk Hogan against Sid. If I win, then I get both the tag belts and the World Title. If I don't win, whoever pins me can have my Hummer. Sid: I accept, Goldberg. Hogan: Me too, brother, so I guess - (Kevin Nash walks onto the ramp). Nash: Hey, hey, hey, big boys. A World Title match without Big Sexy? Ain't gonna happen. We'll make this a Four Corners match - Tony: FOUR............. CORNERS.............? Nash: - and if I win, I get the tag belts, the World Title belt and Goldberg's Hummer. If I don't win, I'll stop using the powerbomb as my finishing move. Sid: Perfect. Goldberg: YOU'RE NEXT, NASH!!!!!!!! Hogan: Sounds good, brother, so I guess - (The music of Ric Flair begins, and David Flair walks onto the ramp alongside all the others.) David: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Four Corners match for the WCW Title without David Flair?????? Nope. I'll be the SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE, and if I win, I get the tag belts, the World Title, Goldberg's Hummer, the right to be the only wrestler to use the powerbomb for their finishing move, PLUS, I'll become President of WCW and DDP will be forced to give me Kimberly as my valet. Sid: Fine. Goldberg: YOU'RE NEXT, DAVID!!!!!!!!!!! Nash: You're on, boy! Hogan: Sure thing, brother, so I guess - .......................we'll have that match later tonight. (All men leave the ring area.) Tony (sweating profusely): THAT WAS THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MOMENT IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!!!! I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU NOW THAT OUR COMPETITOR WILL BE SHOWING A WORLD TITLE MATCH BETWEEN STEVE AUSTIN AND THE ROCK, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER CHANGING CHANNELS, BECAUSE THE MAIN EVENT HERE TONIGHT WILL AFFECT THE COURSE OF TIME FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby: And coming up next, Tony, it appears Berlyn is joining us in the commentary booth! (Berlyn, without interpreter, sits down beside Tony). Tony: WE HAVE BERLYN DOING COMMENTARY FOLKS! THE ACTION HERE KEEPS HEATING UP, AS WE HAVE DDP TAKING ON HUGH MORRUS OF THE FIRST FAMILY!!!!!!!!! Berlyn: (something in German) (Hugh Morrus and DDP enter separately, and lockup to begin the match.) Tony: Well, what about that main event tonight, LIVE ON WCW MONDAY NITRO?????? What do you think, Berlyn? Berlyn: (something in German) Tony: Probably. But don't you think - Berlyn: (something in German) Tony: Yeah, fine. But - THAT'S RANDY SAVAGE!!!!!!!!!!!! (Randy Savage has ran down the aisle, and is in the ring. He's punching DDP, as Morrus has been taken out with a Diamond Cutter. He powerslams DDP, and grabs a mic). Savage: Well.......... it seems we have a problem...... because we all know who drove the Hummer, but the guy who did it doesn't seem to be confessing. So, MAESTRO, if you'll just come down from your little perch up there, maybe we can - (Loud piano music is heard, and the camera pans to high above the ring, where The Maestro is sitting, playing his piano.) Savage: OK, CUT IT OUT! NO MORE GAMES! WE ALL SAW YOU DRIVE YOUR LITTLE YELLOW HUMMER INTO DISCO INFERNO, AND THE GUY IS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL! SEEING AS HOW ME AND DISCO GO WAY BACK, I'M OUT FOR A LITTLE REVENGE! GET DOWN! (The Maestro stops playing at looks down at Savage. He appears to produce a mic.) Maestro: Mr. Savage.............. I did NOT drive that Hummer into Disco Inferno, but if you want to get to me anyway you'll have to run a little gauntlet - Tony: A GAUNTLET?????? WHAT IS THIS MAN SAYING?????? Maestro: - consisting of ten consecutive matches. Starting in exactly one minute, ten wrestlers handpicked by myself will enter the ring one-by-one. If you beat them all, you can fight me next week on Nitro. (Super Calo runs to the ring. Savage dismantles him and finishes him with the flying elbow. He raises his hands and begins to leave the ring area). Tony: UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!! RANDY SAVAGE HAS RUN THE GAUNTLET, AND WILL THEREFORE RECEIVE A WORLD TITLE SHOT NEXT WEEK, LIVE ON NITRO!!!!!!!! (DDP is getting up, but Hugh Morrus elbowdrops him. He then grabs the mic). Morrus: Hey, Savage. Looks like you need a bodyguard. What d'ya say? Savage: Well, well, Hugh Morrus........... I will take you up on your offer. You can be my bodyguard, but to prove your worth, next week you will have to beat Hardcore Hak in a match, and if you lose, you have to wrestle in a dress for the rest of your career!!!! Morrus: Sure thing. (Morrus leaves the ring and walks past Savage, back to the locker room. Savage begins to walk back as well. He stops on the ramp. Just before he enters the curtain, he is stopped by J.J. Dillon.) Dillon: Now, Randy, we have a problem. It appears that we have some video footage recorded last week, live from WCW Monday Nitro, in which you appear to be delivering an elbow drop from the top rope onto Kaz Hayashi. We all know that move was outlawed, so I have no choice but to suspend you for 12 months. Your World Title shot for next week will go to the man who was elbow dropped, Kaz Kayashi. (Savage is livid, and walks back through the curtain. Objects can be heard breaking. DDP has finally gotten to his feet, and grabs the mic laying in the ring.) DDP: So I've been the US Champ six times, but I've never been the World Champ. It seems we have a World Title match tonight. I have an idea. I'll be the second guest referee for that match, and if I win, I get a World Title shot at Starrcade. If I don't win, I'll only receive a US Title match next week on Nitro. Can I get somebody out here to confirm this? (J.J. Dillon is still on the ramp). Dillon: Sounds good, Dallas, but just remember that the Diamond Cutter is illegal. It cost Randy Savage, we wouldn't want the same to happen to you! DDP: No sweat, Jack! I'm PUMPED!!!!!!! (DDP and Dillon leave the ring area). Tony: THAT WAS AMAZING, FANS, BUT NOW I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE REGARDING MY CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE BELT! (Tony gets up from his seat and enters the ring. He grabs a mic.) Tony: Well, fans, as you all know, I am the WCW Cruiserweight Champion, and frankly, I think I deserve it. However, having said that, I have been the champion for nine months, and I'm beginning to feel that such a long title reign may be devaluing the belt. We would never want that to happen in WCW, so I'm giving up the belt. I came in here to present this belt to a man who I feel is most deserving of it............. a man who defines what WCW is all about............ a man whose values are unmatched by any other man alive........ a man who trains, says his prayers and eats his vitamins............ HULK HOGAN!!!!!!!! (Hulk Hogan's music begins to play and he walks down the aisle and into the ring). Tony: Here you go, Hulk. You deserve it, buddy. (Tony hands the WCW Cruiserweight Belt and the mic to Hogan.) Hogan: Well ya know something, Tony................. it's an honor to receive this WCW Cruiserweight Belt from you, and I'll wear it with pride. In fact, I'm making an open challenge to anybody who wants this belt for Starrcade, December 18th. But anyway, Tony, I gotta go........ I have a big match tonight to prepare for. (Hogan leaves the ring and Tony goes back to the table). Tony: Well fans, I can now honestly say that Hulk Hogan is the icon of this industry. The grace and humility with which the man accepted the Cruiserweight Title was nothing short of astonishing. Here's hoping that he holds onto the belt for five years, Brain. Bobby: That's for sure, Tony. What a guy. Berlyn: (something in German) Tony: Berlyn??????? He's still here! Bobby: Hey..... that's right. He was doing commentary. Tony: Well, you might as well stay for the next match, because - (Shane Douglas appears on the ramp with a mic). Douglas: Hold everything! Now, we all know I've had a great time so far in WCW, but....... I've never got a shot at the TV Title. I'd like to ask the champ, Chavo Guerrero, to give me a shot, live, tonight, on WCW Monday Nitro. (Chavo Guerrero steps onto the ramp with his TV Title belt). Chavo: You want a shot, Douglas, you got it! Let's do it! (Chavo runs to the ring. Shane Douglas speaks once more before rushing the ring also). Douglas: And just remember......... OUT WITH EVOLUTION, IN WITH REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tony: HOW TRUE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The men begin fighting). Berlyn: (something in German) Bobby: What's that? Berlyn: (something in German) (Berlyn gets up from the table, and is about to climb onto the apron, when Disco Inferno runs down and pulls him off. In the ring, Shane Douglas is setting up Chavo for the Pittsburgh Plunge. The ref sees Berlyn and Disco brawling back to the locker room, and immediately calls for the bell.) Tony: THE MATCH HAS BEEN THROWN OUT, A DOUBLE DISQUALIFICATION!!!!!! NO WINNER HERE, FOLKS, CHAVO KEEPS THE TITLE!!!!!!!!! (Douglas executes the move, then quickly jumps up, thinking he's somehow won. Finally he realizes it's a double-DQ.) Tony: Shane Douglas is not happy, Brain, but what did he expect? With those two men fighting on the ramp, what other choice did the ref have? And now Douglas is - (Douglas has grabbed Tony's headset, and shouts.) Douglas: JUST REMEMBER, EVERYBODY, OUT WITH EVOLUTION, IN WITH REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (He throws down the headset and leaves the ring area. Tony puts it back on). Tony: I have to agree with him there, Brain, wouldn't you? Bobby: Absolutely, Tony. When you think about it, it's just so true. Tony: Let's go - (The camera cuts backstage, where Lash Leroux and Silver King are brawling). Tony: These men are fighting backstage, and - I've just gotten word that this is an official match!!!!!!!!! This was completely unexpected, Brain!!!! Bobby: It sure was, Tony, but what do you expect from WCW???? (The camera stays on the two men, and after fighting for 10 minutes, Harlem Heat appears and takes them both apart.) Tony: WHAT AN ENTRANCE FOR BOOKER T AND STEVIE RAY!!!!!!!!! (They continue on to the ring). Booker: Hey, hey, let's burn the roof off this place! Now we just proved that we are the premier hardcore tag team in WCW........ did you just see us destroy those two punks back there??????? Stevie: That's right, brudda. I want everybody to know that we're the eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time tag champions!!!!!!!!!! Now, there's a couple of fruit booties that need to be taught a lesson. We all know who I'm talking about...... yeah, Horace Hogan and Vincent. You punks seem to think you're all hardcore, but we are the KINGS of hardcore! So I say for Starrcade, we wrestle you guys in the first ever Cowbell match! What we're gonna do is borrow Bobby Duncum Jr's cowbell, and put it up on a pole. Whoever gets the cowbell first, GETS TO USE IT!!!!!!!!!!! Booker: Whoa, that's nasty, Stevie, but I'm up to it! You boys are gonna get your bells rung! (They begin to leave the ring, but The West Texas Rednecks come out. Duncum has the mic.) Duncum: Hey, hey, boys! You seem to think we're just gonna give you this cowbell to use in your match? I don't think so. If you want this cowbell, you gotta EARN it. And to do that, you gotta beat US in a Cowbell Match, live at the next pay-per-view! Booker: Hey, now hold on. They're four of you and two of us. Now we're bad mothers from Harlem, but I still don't like those odds. Now can you dig it? Duncum: Fine. You just pick two other guys to wrestle with you, and it's be an eight-man tag! Booker: OK, what do ya think, Stevie? Stevie: I think we should ask SOMEBODY THAT HAS NEVER APPEARED IN WCW BEFORE! OH YEAH, IT'S SOMEBODY IN ATTENDANCE THIS VERY NIGHT, IT'S GARTH BROOKS! (The camera pans the audience until Garth Brooks is found. He makes his way to the ring.) Brooks: Well........ you know how much I... hate those guys, those West Texas fellows, so I'm up for it. But, you guys have a six man tag, I want one man there in particular, and I want him in a singles match. Him, that guy right there. (Brooks points to Kendell Windham). Kendell: You want me, boy? You got me! Me and you, next pay-per-view! Tony: GARTH BROOKS IS APPEARING AT THE NEXT PAY-PER-VIEW, TO WRESTLE A MATCH?????? THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!! Booker: OK, OK, but we need someone else. There wouldn't happen to be any other people you'd want to team up with us, would there? Stevie: Actually, there is, Booker. Right there in the audience, Billy Ray Cyrus!!!!!!!! (The camera finds Billy Ray, who makes his way to the ring). Billy Ray: Hey boys, I'm real happy to be here in.......WCW. In fact, so happy, I don't want to wrestle in your match. I want my OWN match, with........ him. (He points to Curt Hennig). Hennig: Fine with me, Billy! I'm gonna make you have an achy breaky heart!!!!!!! Tony: THE HOTTEST COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER TODAY, BILLY RAY CYRUS, IS WRESTLING A MATCH HERE IN WCW!!!!!!!!!!! Booker: Looks like we got ourselves a tag match, boys. Me and my country music haters are gonna PULVERIZE you boys, and then we're gonna rap all night long!!!!!!! (All men leave the ringside area). Tony: YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING THAT NOTHING CAN TOP THAT SEGMENT!!!!! WELL YOU'RE WRONG!!!! WE NOW HAVE THAT BIG MAIN EVENT FOR YOU FOLKS, AS GOLDBERG, SID, KEVIN NASH AND HULK HOGAN BATTLE IN A FOUR CORNERS MATCH, WITH DDP AND DAVID FLAIR AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREES!!!!!!!!! (Each of the four wrestlers come down first, then the referees). Tony: IT'S HARD TO CONTAIN THE EXCITEMENT, BRAIN!!!! DON'T YOU FEEL IT, KNOWING THAT WE MAY BE WITNESSING THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN THE 2000 YEAR HISTORY OF THE WORLD??????? Bobby: Yep. (The battle rages for 15 minutes, with each man gaining an advantage at various points of the match. Finally, Kevin Nash hits the powerbomb on Sid, but is hit by a Diamond Cutter by DDP, who falls prey to a big boot and legdrop from Hogan, who is hit by a chair from David Flair, who gets speared by Goldberg. Goldberg appears to have the match in hand, when Scott Hall runs down to the ring with a tazer. He shocks Goldberg, and covers him. He then realizes there's no referee, so he slaps the mat three times himself. The bell rings.) Tony: SCOTT HALL!!!! SCOTT HALL WINS AND IS NOW THE WORLD CHAMP, TAG TEAM CHAMP, PRESIDENT OF WCW, HE OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THE POWERBOMB, HE GETS GOLDBERG'S HUMMER, AND WE'VE JUST GOTTEN WORD THAT HE GETS HOGAN'S CRUISERWEIGHT BELT AS WELL! WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!! Hall: Hey yo. You've probably heard by now, that the NWO is doin' a little survey. It's real simple. All we went to know is who you came here to see. So, did everybody here in San Francisco come to see............WCW????????????? (Crowd is silent). Hall: OR...................OR............... did everybody here in San Francisco..... come to see the............. (Hall lets the crowd finish for him, but they're still silent). Hall: Looks like another one...........for the good guys! Tony: I don't know about that Brain, but you can't deny Scott Hall put on an awful gutsy performance there. Bobby: One of the finest displays in recent history, without a doubt. Tony: And that's all the time we have for you folks, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! WHAT'S THAT???????? (The camera cuts to the rafters, where we see Bam Bam Bigelow standing in a black jumpsuit, shaking his head. When Hall sees him, he flees from the ring). Any comments, as usual, send them to: wrestling_writer_4x@yahoo.com Matt "Blackjack" Hayden freelance Mail the Author Visit my site |
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