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/wrestling /guests /Hayden |
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/wrestling /guests /Hayden |
| Guest Columns | Matt Hayden |
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OK........... we all know that WCW seems to lack a little continuity,
and seems to think we lack long-term memories, perhaps, and insults our
intelligence with blatant inconsistencies and impossibilities in the
storylines, so here's how I think next week's Nitro COULD play
out........... (Tony and Bobby at the Announce Table) Tony: Hello fans, and WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT!!!!!!!! WE CAN TELL YOU THE MAIN EVENT NOW, AND IT'S RICK STEINER TAKING ON GOLDBERG IN THE FIRST EVER LADDER MATCH IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!! Bobby: Yeah, that's right, Tony......... but look, here comes Hulk Hogan for an interview!!!! ( Hulk Hogan makes his way down to the ring, dressed in the red and yellow. He takes the mic.) Hogan: Well ya know, brothers, year in, year out, the Hulkster has come out and beaten every guy Eric Bischoff has put in front of him. But there's one guy I've never fought, in fact, one guy I've never even had anything to do with, and that's Kevin Nash. Kev, can you come out here? ( Kevin Nash appears at the entranceway with a wary look on his face. He slowly makes his way to the ring.) Hogan: Hey Kev, as I said, I've never had anything to do with you, but I'd like to. I want you to be my tag team partner, tonight, on Nitro. Nash: Well, Hulk, you have helped me win the WCW World Title on four separate occasions, so, yeah, I WILL be your partner tonight, on Nitro. Tony: UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!! HULK HOGAN AND KEVIN NASH WILL BE PARTNERS TONIGHT, LIVE ON WCW MONDAY NITRO!!!!!! (Nash and Hogan hug and leave the ring). Tony: Well, Brain, after that electrifying opening segment, we're following it up with a solid match, as Chris Benoit puts his undefeated streak on the line against Shane Douglas!! Bobby: Great! I can't wait to see that. Benoit and Douglas want to get at each other so bad....... (Chris Benoit enters the ring, then Shane Douglas. The match gets underway quickly, and the crowd is into it.) Tony: Well, fans, as these two great athletes battle it out here, the big news is the teaming of two men, who in their many years in this great sport, have NEVER crossed paths in any way! Of course, I'm talking about Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash. You have to wonder, Brain, what this will be like for Kevin, because he's actually never wrestled a tag match before! Bobby: True, Tony. I think he'll handle it fine, though, because time and time again Kevin Nash has shown he can come back from adversity, just like when he returned from being mugged by Goldberg last week. Tony: Anyway, Brain, look in the ring, as Shane Douglas appears to be setting up Chris Benoit for his finishing move, the tombstone! That's his move, Brain! Will Chris Benoit's undefeated streak of 343 wins without a loss end tonight???????????? Bobby: It very well could, Tony, if......... wait, Tony, look!!!!!!! Here comes Sid Vicious!!!!!!!!! (Sid Vicious stalks to the ring and onto the apron.) Tony: My God!!! Here's the other man with the undefeated streak, Sid Vicious, who has actually won all 751 matches he's fought in! The men with the undefeated streaks collide!!!! (Sid steps over the top rope and Douglas scurries. Sid chokeslams Benoit, but before attempting a pin he delivers a powerbomb. The ref immediately calls for the bell.) Tony: Sid gave Benoit a powerbomb! But he's forgotten, POWERBOMBS ARE ILLEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SID VICIOUS HAS BEEN DISQUALIFIED!!!! HE'S NOW 751-2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby: So Chris Benoit picks up another win. Maybe now he'll pick up some momentum again after losing to Booker T last week. Tony: But.......... wait........ SID IS POWERBOMBING REFEREE MICKEY J!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ROBINSON IN THE RING....... HERE'S THE COVER..........1......2.......3!!!!!! SID HAS DEFEATED MICKEY J!!!!!!!! CAN ANYONE STOP THIS MAN??????? (Sid grabs a mic.) Sid: You see, I am the Millennium Man. The Y2K problem is now solved, because I'm here! But, there's a problem. There's a man I have a problem with, and we all know who that man is. So I'm challenging that man to a match at Starrcade, December 18th. And if you don't show up, I'll find you. (Sid leaves the ring). Tony: UNBELIEVABLE!!!! SID HAS CHALLENGED THE MAN HE'S BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS WITH!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A MATCH THAT SHOULD BE FOR STARRCADE, LESS THAN FOUR MONTHS AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!! (Eddy Guerrero makes his way to the ring). Eddy: OK, OK, OK. I want to know just as bad as everyone else who was driving the Hummer. Or do I? NO, because I know! You see, I'd like to call out the man who was driving the Hummer, so Lodi, if you'd like to come out here, I wanna have a talk with you! ( Lodi makes his way to the ring, with Perry Saturn close behind). Lodi: Hey, Eddy, what's wrong? I don't know why you think I drove that Hummer that hit Stevie Ray, but it wasn't me! Tell 'em Saturn! Saturn: Yeah, that's right, Eddy. Me and you have had serious problems in the past, but that's not what we're talkin' about now. This is about you accusin' my good buddy Lodi, who I'll always stand by. Why are ya sayin' this anyway? Eddy: Glad you asked. We all remember a few months back when that Hummer hit Stevie Ray. We all saw the footage. But were we really paying attention?? Let's roll that again!!! (Up on the video screen, we see a green Hummer approaching Stevie Ray. It hits him, then Lodi gets out of the driver's side and Saturn from the passenger side. They stand over Stevie Ray, laughing, and then saunter away.) Tony: My God!!!!!!!!!! That WAS the footage of the Hummer, but when we saw that months ago, we must not have seen Lodi and Saturn get out of the Hummer!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!! Eddy: So, guys......... there we go. What do you have to say for yourselves? Lodi: Eddy Guerrero, will you join forces with us and battle the First Family tonight on Nitro? Eddy: I'd be glad to. (All three men hug and leave the ring). Tony: WOW! WHAT A SIX MAN TAG MATCH TONIGHT! BUT THE QUESTION IS, WHO REALLY DROVE THE HUMMER? Bobby: It's a tough question, I'll admit Tony, but........... (The lights go out, and smoke fills the arena. Music begins to play, and pyro is everywhere. When the lights come back on, The Warrior is in the middle of the ring.) Tony: OH MY GOD! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WCW, IT'S THE WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!! Warrior: Diamond Dallas Page............. when I was on my meditating pod yesterday........ I looked to the sky and had a vision.............a vision telling me that there was evil in this world that needed to be destroyed.........that the people needed a real warrior to deliver the true meaning of joy to them before the prophecy was fulfilled...........that the true meaning of this happening is yet to be determined.......but most importantly, it told me that YOU, Diamond Dallas Page.........you must be exterminated. Because as long as you roam this realm, evil will lurk in the darkest recesses of the world, and will eventually consume all mortal beings, until Armageddon is upon us. Therefore, Diamond Dallas Page, it is essential............. (DDP appears at the entranceway with a mic). DDP: Hey, Jack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and you both know that we've had some problems before. I think that you're just jealous that I've beaten you all FIVE TIMES we fought!!!!!!! Tony: That could be true! DDP: Furthermore, why are you bothering me when we all know who you REALLY want? Yeah, the guy who nearly cost you your career last time you were here.......... Buff Bagwell. Warrior: Diamond Dallas Page.........despite the fact that we have never fought...........I still believe I could defeat you if my energy reserves were at their maximum and the moon was experiencing a partial eclipse. But....... as you say, Buff Bagwell did in fact nearly cost me my career, by interfering in my match with you and costing me both the win and the title. So Buff Bagwell............I would appreciate it if you would make your presence known here tonight. (Buff Bagwell comes out in a wheelchair, grimacing in pain). Bagwell: Hey, hey, hey. First off, DDP, what's up with this? You know as well as anyone that I'm still in a wheelchair after being piledriven off the top rope by Scott Steiner. And knowing that, you try to get the Warrior mad at me? I don't get it man. And Warrior......... you also very well know that I only interfered in your match with DDP because of Lex Luger. Tony: That's right! Lex Luger WAS the determining factor in it all! Bagwell: So, having said that, DDP, I'd like you to........... (Lex Luger appears at the entranceway.) Luger: Wait just a minute! Buff, what do you mean I was the reason you interfered in that match? Hey, I've been your best friend your whole life and............. (DDP grabs Luger from behind). DDP: Hey, Lex, DON'T bother a guy in a wheelchair. It's not nice. (Meanwhile, Buff has a chair and is ready to paste Luger with it.) DDP: So Lex, if you'll just turn around and tell Buff you're sorry.......... (Suddenly, Sting rushes out. He delivers a Scorpion Death Drop to DDP and nails Buff with a piledriver.) Lex: Sting! I'm so glad to see you here! If you hadn't come, I don't know what would have happened! Sting: WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I'M BACK, AND I'M BACK IN BLACK!!!!!!!! Y'KNOW LEX............. (Lex Luger has leveled Sting with the chair and is now stomping him). Tony: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! LEX LUGER, WHO HAS BEEN BEST FRIENDS WITH STING SINCE THEY WERE TWO YEARS OLD, JUST HIT THE MAN WITH A CHAIR! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT WE'RE SEEING!!!!!!! (Buff is put on a stretcher and taken away, as is Sting. DDP shakes Luger's hand and they walk off together, DDP rubbing the back of his head. The Warrior has disappeared.) Tony: Fans, we have just gotten word that the result of this segment is that the Warrior has challenged Billy Kidman to a match here tonight! Bobby: And I can understand why. Tony: Well, there' only 30 minutes left in the show, meaning we're only TWENTY EIGHT MINUTES 'TILL THE MAIN EVENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not quite sure what we have planned until then....... wait a minute!!!!!!! It appears we have a match! It's Bret Hart taking on Steve Regal! Bobby: Bret Hart.......... you have to admit, Tony, he's been a steadfast competitor in WCW. There's a rumor going around that Bret hasn't missed a show here in WCW in 7 years. Is that true Tony? Tony: I believe it is, Brain........ but here comes Bret now! Let's go to the ring! (Bret Hart makes his way to the ring. He's dressed in street clothes. Steve Regal enters the ring soon after. As they're about to lock up, Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash appear at the ramp.) Hulk Hogan: Wait just a minute, brothers! Ya see, me and Big Kev here, we're lookin' for a tag match here tonight, like we said last week on Nitro. So you two look like good opponents. How about it? Me and Big Sexy against Bret Hart and Steve Regal, right now?????? Regal: You've got yourselves a match! Right Bret! Hart: Damn right, Steve! I'm ready to wrestle, so let's get it on! (Hogan and Nash rush the ring, and they pair off, Regal with Nash and Hart with Hogan). Tony: I can't believe this! Is this the first time Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan have ever been in the same ring? Bobby: I think it is, Tony! (The match lasts nearly 15 minutes, and appears to reach a climax. Kevin Nash delivers a big boot to Regal, then a powerbomb. He kneels down slowly to cover Regal. Hogan jumps in the ring and legdrops Nash, who rolls over on his back, outcold.) Tony: But..... he just.......... I don't..................no................HULK HOGAN JUST LEGDROPPED KEVIN NASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hogan drapes Regal over Nash, and the three count is registered. Regal and Hart leave the ring and Hogan takes the mic.) Hogan: Ha ha ha. Big Sexy, I fooled ya. In fact, I fooled all of ya. You see, for years and years, I came out here and said my prayers and ate my vitamins. For 15 long years I served WCW faithfully and did everything I was told. But now, it seems I'm not getting the respect I deserve. So to all those fans that I told to eat your vitamins, train, and say your prayers, you can shove it. Because from this day forward, I'm not Hulk Hogan, I'm........................HOLLYWOOD Hogan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tony: What did he just say? Did he say "Hollywood" Hogan?????????? Bobby: I think so Tony. But what does that mean? Tony: I don't know, Brain. I just don't know. We've never witnessed anything like this in the history of our great sport! (Hogan leaves the ring.) Tony: Well, fans, coming up next we have for you the FIRST EVER LADDER MATCH IN WRESTLING HISTORY, BETWEEN RICK STEINER AND GOLDBERG!!!!!!! (Goldberg enters first, then Rick Steiner. Steiner is carrying a ladder and a mic). Steiner: Hey, Goldberg. Seeing as how this is the first ladder match in wrestling history, how about we make it a night of firsts? I want to add a never before used stipulation to this match. You see, the first one to bleed, LOSES! I'd like to call this match a.........hmm.......FIRST BLOOD MATCH! Tony: I can't believe it! RICK STEINER HAS INVENTED A NEW MATCH RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Goldberg: You're on, Steiner. And by the way....... YOU'RE NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sid appears at the ramp). Tony: Wow, Sid Vicious is here TONIGHT! I didn't even know he was in the building!!!!!! Sid: I'd like to call J.J. Dillon out here, NOW. (Dillon quickly appears). Sid: J.J., I have a request. I want to be the guest referee for this match. Dillon: OK. (Dillon walks backstage as Sid pulls on a referee's shirt and walks to the ring.) Tony: Amazing! Sid Vicious is now the special guest referee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The match begins. A minute in, the ladder clips Goldberg across the forehead and busts him open). Tony: Oh, wow! Goldberg is bleeding heavily from the forehead! But what an exciting contest we have for you here! (Interestingly, nothing is hanging above the ring to grab with the ladder. Ten minutes in both Steiner and Goldberg are bleeding profusely and Goldberg is fading in and out of consciousness due to the massive amounts of blood he's lost. Suddenly, Hollywood Hogan makes his way down to the ring.) Tony: WHAT............ THAT'S HOLLYWOOD HOGAN!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!! IN THE RING............. BIG BOOT FOR GOLDBERG........ ONE FOR STEINER......ONE FOR SID! LEGDROPS FOR ALL MEN!!!!!!!!!!! TRIPLE COVER..........DICKENSON IN...............1.............2..........3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLLYWOOD HOGAN HAS DEFEATED RICK STEINER, GOLDBERG AND SID VICIOUS IN THE MAIN EVENT OF NITRO! HOGAN IS NOW 165-0!!!!!!!!!!! (Hogan grabs a mic). Hogan: Well, well, well. I know I dropped the bomb on everyone last week by changing my name to Hollywood. This week, I've got the biggest surprise of them all. Boys! Come on! (Bryan Adams, Horace Hogan, Vincent, Stevie Ray, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Ted DiBiase, Buff Bagwell and Bret Hart all come out wearing NWO Black and White T-Shirts.) Hogan: I introduce to you........... what will from this day forward be known as the most powerful faction in wrestling today...........it's a hostile takeover...........I like to call it the New World Order..............the NWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tony: The WHAT? What are we witnessing here????? This could very well be the event that shapes the wrestling world from this day forward!!!!!!! Hogan: And when you're NWO, you're NWO - FOR - LIFE, BRO!!!!!!! Tony: And what is that? Is that their catchphrase or something? I can't believe this!!!!!!!!! Bobby: Neither can I, Tony. In all my years that I've known Hogan, I would have never expected the man to do anything like this. Tony: That's it fans, WE'RE OUT OF TIME!!!!!!!! GOODBYE ,AND............ WHAT'S THAT????????????????? (As the show ends, the camera cuts to the rafters, where we see Mike Enos standing in a black jumpsuit shaking his head. When the NWO spot him, they flee from the ring). So there you have it. Any comments, mail me as always at wrestling_writer_4x@yahoo.com. And that's it. Matt "Blackjack" Hayden freelance Mail the Author Visit my site |
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