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| Guest Columns | Matt Hayden |
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My last column, Nitro's Logical Conclusion, went over pretty well, so
this week I'll do it again. If you didn't read my last column, you
really should before you read this, because you'll understand some
things in this one a little better. Keep in mind that the Nitro in this
column is taking place one week after the Nitro in my previous column. (Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan are sitting at the Announce Table.) Tony: Hello fans, and welcome to WCW MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!!!!! I'M TONY SCHIAVONE, AND NEXT TO ME IS BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN! Bobby: That's right Tony, and tonight we have a terrific show for you. Tony: Indeed we do, Brain. Let's go to the ring, where David Penzer will introduce the tag team champions, Lex Luger and Sting! (David Penzer announces the names of Lex Luger and Sting, and both men walk out side by side). Sting: WOOOOOOOO! IT'S SHOWTIME! Y' know Lex, me and you have been through some tough times together, but we've always pulled through. Last week it paid off for us with the WCW Tag Team Titles. Luger: It sure did, Sting. When we won these belts, it made me feel so good, because I admit, there were times when I just felt like hanging 'em up, but being your tag team partner all these years just.......... helped me pull through. And on top of that, I feel...... ("American Made" begins to play, and Hulk Hogan, in the yellow and red, walks out on the ramp.) Hogan: Wait just a minute, brothers! Y'see, I was sittin' in the back watching this on the monitor, and, hey, I love you guys just as much as anyone else, but I think you're lettin' this success get to your heads. So since you guys need to be brought down to size a little bit, how about you put up the tag titles tonight against me and a partner of my choice? Sting: Well............. HOW ABOUT IT, DALLAS?????? IS IT SHOWTIME????? (The crowd is silent.) Sting: I guess that settles it then! You have yourself a match Hulk! I just hope you can find someone good, because we're ready! Hogan: Oh, don't you worry, Stinger. I know I've never wrestled in a tag match before, but I picked a good partner......... I picked someone who's watched my back for a LONG time bro...... someone who's been a Hulkamaniac his whole life...... someone who's always been training, saying his prayers and eatin' his vitamins....... someone who believes in himself........and someone who is truly The Man......... and to be the Man, you've got to beat the Man........ so let me now bring out my tag team partner........ Tony: Did he say, The Man? Then that means it's GOT to be............... Hogan: SID VICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tony: Exactly! It all makes sense now, Brain! Bobby: It sure does Tony. Hogan was right on the mark with those comments. (Sid Vicious makes his way to the ramp and stands beside Hogan). Sid: Hulk Hogan, I'm honored that you asked me to be your tag team partner. Naturally, I will. When we won the tag titles together last year, it gave me a feeling inside that I've never felt since. Hogan: I know, bro, and that's why I've asked you to be my first tag team partner ever. But let's concentrate on the present. These two guys in the ring......... we have to take them out. Luger: Oh, that's all fine, but who drove the Hummer? Hogan: Excuse me? Luger: You heard me Hogan! That Hummer last year, I think we all know who was driving that. FIRST, it was red and yellow, and we all know whose colors those are! Next, it ran over Elizabeth, and we all know the history between you two. Finally, I HAVE FOOTAGE. Roll it! (Up on the video screen, Elizabeth is walking down the sidewalk, and a red and yellow Hummer runs her over. It stops after doing so, and Hulk Hogan gets out. He looks at Elizabeth, laughs, gets back in the Hummer, and drives away.) Luger: So.............. Hogan, you DID drive the Hummer!!!!!! Hogan: Actually, how about we add a stipulation to this tag match? Whoever loses drove the Hummer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sting: WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOUNDS GREAT, YOU'RE ON HOGAN!!!!!!! BUT LET ME WARN YOU, AT THE END OF THE SHOW, STING WON'T BE AFTER DRIVING THE HUMMER!!!!!!! Sid: We'll just see about that, Stinger. You see, I am the Millennium Man. I only have 8 wins now, but that record will grow over time. I'll even take that TV Title you have. (The camera focuses on Sting, who's wearing the TV Title belt around his waist, though nobody had noticed). Sting: WELL, SID, WE ALL KNOW I WON THIS FAIR AND SQUARE LAST WEEK, BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU WON'T TAKE IT FROM ME, BECAUSE I'M GIVING IT TO TONY SCHIAVONE! THAT'S RIGHT, IF TONY HAS IT, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT FROM ME! (Sting leaves the ring, and hands the TV Title to Tony Schiavone. He gets back in the ring and takes the mic.) Sting: Could I get J.J. Dillon out here? (Dillon quickly appears). Sting: J.J. Dillon, do you have the power to officially proclaim Tony Schiavone the WCW TV Champion? Dillon: Indeed I do, Sting. Tony Schiavone, you are now officially the WCW TV Champion! Congratulations! It was a long, hard road, and you earned it! Tony: This is a nice surprise Brain.........I'll wear this belt with pride! (Dillon walks backstage). Hogan: Now that THAT'S out of the way.......... we're outta here. Remember our match, TONIGHT! (Hogan and Sid walk backstage, and Sting and Luger leave the ring). Tony: What an electrifying opening segment, Brain, and a new champion was crowned. I'm not one to blow my own horn, but I do have to admit I earned it. Bobby: There's no denying it, Tony! Maybe you'll be the new Millennium Man! Tony (laughing): Yeah, I wouldn't doubt it, Brain. But let's go back to the ring! The action packed show continues with our SECOND amazing match of the evening! It's two men with an intense rivalry meeting, as Buff Bagwell takes on Norman Smiley! Bobby: It should be a great one! (Norman Smiley makes his way to the ring. Buff Bagwell limps out on crutches and a full leg cast). Buff: Hey, hey, hey. Hold on just a minute here, guys. What's the deal with booking me in a match with Norman Smiley when my leg is broken in three places? We all saw Kidman give me a Dragon Leg Screwwhip off the top rope last week! This is unbelievable! (Billy Kidman walks onto the ramp). Kidman: Hey, Buff, man, I'm sorry about your leg. It was one of those ACCIDENTAL Screwwhips....... you know. Buff: Really? Well..................... I have a request for you Billy. Be my partner in a handicap match against Norman Smiley!!!!! Kidman: Sure, Buff. Y'know, you really are the stuff. Buff: Man, that comment touched my heart so much.............. it's healed my leg! I can walk! (Buff stands up and rips off the cast. He begins to jog in place). Tony: MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOES BILLY KIDMAN HAVE SOME SORT OF POWER, THAT HE CAN MAKE A COMMENT AND HEAL A MAN'S BROKEN LEG??????????????? THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO THE TALENT OF THIS YOUNG MAN?????????????? Smiley: Hey now! You guys have been goin' on and on and on........ but you think I'm just gonna let you fight me in a handicap match? No way.......... I got myself a partner too........ so if you'd like to come out here...........DENNIS RODMAN!!!!!!!!!!! (Dennis Rodman appears on the ramp and stands next to Buff and Kidman). Rodman: Hey man............ I'll be GLAD to be your tag team partner tonight, because we can KICK SOME (MUTE) (MUTE)!!!!!!!! IF THESE TWO (MUTE)ING (MUTE) THINK THEY CAN TOSS US DUDES AROUND, THEY GOT ANOTHER (MUTE) THING COMING!!!!!!! AND IF THE (MUTE) (MUTE)(MUTE)(MUTE)(MUTE)(MUTE)(MUTE)(MUTE)(MUTE)GO TO (MUTE)!!! (Eric Bischoff runs onto the ramp and grabs the mic from Rodman). Bischoff: JES(MUTE)(MUTE) IST!!!!! WE PAY YOU 2 MILLION FOR THIS APPEARANCE AND YOU......... ARRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Two large men come and stand on either side of Rodman. One hits him over the head and they both drag him backstage.) Smiley: That's OK......... because I'm challenging you guys to a tag team match at STARRCADE!!!!!!!!!! ME AND DENNIS AGAINST BUFF AND KIDMAN!!!!!!! WHAT DO YA SAY????????? Buff: You got it, Norman! C'mon Kidman, we're - (The lights go out, and music and pyro starts. The Warrior appears in the middle of the ring). Tony: WHO IS THIS MAN???????????????????????????? Warrior: I am the Warrior. Tony: WHAT ARE WE WITNESSING HERE??????????? Warrior: From time to time throughout history, a celestial being appears that is sent to rid the world of that which poisons it. Many years ago, I was granted this elite status, and thus using the power of the gods, I have nurtured my skill into the being known as the Warrior. Billy Kidman....... I sense that you too were given this special status.......... so I believe it is essential that we become tag team partners. Come, my son, and fulfill your destiny. (Kidman begins to walk towards the ring). Warrior: That's it......... come now. If I am able to harness your abilities to their full potential, you may even develop the use of some entry-level magic skills. (Kidman, seemingly in a trance, enters the ring. When he does, it fills with smoke. When the ring clears, the Warrior and Kidman are gone.) Tony: WHAT........... THIS......... WARRIOR AND BILLY KIDMAN JUST DISAPPEARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A DISPLAY IN YOUR LIFE BRAIN????????? Bobby: No, never. Tony: AND WE HAVE JUST GOTTEN WORD THAT.... BACKSTAGE........... LET'S GO THERE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The camera cuts backstage, where we see Horace Hogan attacking Prince Iaukea. He takes the WCW TV Title from the floor nearby.) Tony: HORACE HOGAN HAS JUST STOLEN THE WCW TV TITLE FROM PRINCE IAUKEA!!!!!!!!!! THAT MAN HAS HELD THAT BELT WITH PRIDE AND JOY FOR EIGHT MONTHS, AND HORACE HOGAN JUST TAKES IT??????? Bobby: Yeah, it's sickening. But look, he's coming out here now........ (Horace walks down the ramp, and into the ring). Horace: Hey, Prince, nothing personal man, but what I just did to you......... THAT was for hitting Psychosis with the Hummer. But on to more important business........ Disco Inferno....... you say that you're the Showstopper? The Main Event? The Icon? Well the time for talking is over! Get your BUTT out here, and we'll have a TV Title match! (Disco Inferno makes his way out, laughing, with a mic in his hand, and the US Title belt over his shoulder). Disco: Oh, Horace............... you see, that TV Title belt doesn't matter anymore, because now I've got the US Title! We all know how I got it.......... but that's not important. What I want to know is....... how about we do something completely new here? I know it sounds bizarre, but you put up your title AND I put up mine, and we'll call it a........ hmm..... Horace: Listen, buddy. I got it. We'll call it a Title vs. Title match! Tony: BRAIN, AM I BELIEVING MY EARS? DID THESE MAN JUST SAY THAT TWO TITLES ARE GOING TO BE ON THE LINE IN ONE MATCH? HAS THAT BEEN DONE BEFORE???? Bobby: Of course not. But it sure will be exciting! (Disco rushes the ring, and they begin fighting. Disco surprises Horace with a spinebuster). Tony: SIDEWALK SLAM, AND WE ARE UNDERWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The fight rages for 15 minutes and suddenly Chris Benoit makes his way to the ring.) Tony: Oh, boy! We know what's coming here! (Benoit gets in the ring and delivers three German suplexes to Disco, and traps Horace in the Crippler Crossface. He taps, and Benoit release it and locks one on Disco. When he taps, the referee rings the bell.) Tony: CHRIS BENOIT HAS JUST WON THE US AND TV TITLES!!!!!!! WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Benoit: It just goes to show that the killer instinct pays off. But I wanna call somebody out here. Berlyn, come out. (Berlyn, along with his interpreter, Ute Ludendorf, walk to the ramp.) Benoit: Now Berlyn, I know you don't like to speak English, and you probably hate me even more because I'm Canadian, but I want to propose a trade. You can have my US and TV Title belts for your interpreter, Ute. Berlyn: (something in German) Uda: Berlyn says, "Yes, but I also want the rights to the name Crippler". Benoit: Yeah, I don't care. Well, c'mon Ute! Give these to Berlyn and let's go! (Ute walks to the ring, takes both belts, hands them to Berlyn, and exits with Chris Benoit through the crowd. Berlyn is now in the ring with both belts and a mic. He seems hesitant.) Berlyn: (something in German) (Crowd is silent). Berlyn: (screaming something in German) (Crowd is still silent. Dean Malenko quickly walks down the aisle and gets in the ring. He takes the mic from Berlyn.) Malenko: Berlyn, you seem to be having a little trouble communicating with these American people. And no wonder, they're all idiots. But you see, I am a German, which most people don't know. In fact, I only starting speaking English a month ago because it was neccesary. I want to be your new interpreter. I don't care that you drove that Hummer into Ernest Miller. It wasn't your fault anyway. What do you say? (Before Berlyn can speak, Sonny Onoo appears on the ramp.) Onoo: Wait! I couldn't help but hear you talk about Ernest Miller. I have to admit. It wasn't Berlyn in that Hummer, it was me. Having said that, I would like to manage both of you, and fight in six-man tag matches with you occasionally. Malenko: We would love that. In fact, I was just about to call you out anyway! Maybe we'll - (Berlyn speaks to Malenko in German). Malenko: Berlyn has just informed me that he's challenging Vampiro, Randy Savage and DDP to a six-man tag match tonight on Nitro, against him, me and you, Sonny! Onoo: Fantastic. I've wanted to get my hands on Randy Savage for a long time. We go way back, you know. Malenko: Do I ever! But enough of that. Do you guys accept the challenge? (DDP appears in the crowd. It takes the camera a minute to find him). DDP: Hey, I'm jacked to the moon, so let's get it on! Too bad my boys aren't here though, so it'll have to wait. How about we wait 'til Starrcade, and we'll use a ladder in the match too. I'd like to call it a............. LADDER MATCH!!!!!!!! Tony: IS THIS MAN SUGGESTING THEY HAVE A MATCH WITH A LADDER IN THE RING????? AND THEY WOULD CALL THIS MATCH A.........LADDER MATCH????????? HOW MANY FIRSTS WILL WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT BRAIN?????? Bobby: It's hard to tell Tony. Everything that's been happening has been revolutionary, to say the least. Malenko: You're on. I've never heard of a ladder match, but I'm willing to try anything. But how about a little added stipulation................ if we win, Kimberly has to quit her job as a Nitro Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DDP: You're on, and if we win, you lose your nickname, the Iceman!!!!!!!!! Tony: My God........... it's getting tense now! Malenko (slowly raising the mic to his mouth): Now you're getting personal........ but fine. We're on for Starrcade. Tony: AND WE'RE LESS THAN FOUR MONTHS AWAY!!!!! MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOLKS, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANNA MISS THIS ONE!!!!! (All wrestlers leave the ring, and DDP stays in the stands). Tony: Boy, how the time flies! WE'RE NOW READY FOR THE MAIN EVENT ON WCW MONDAY NITRO, AS HULK HOGAN AND SID VICIOUS TAKE ON LEX LUGER AND STING!!!!!!!!!!! (Hogan and Vicious come down separately, and Sting and Luger come down together. They start fighting immediately. 10 minutes later, Goldberg comes down to the ring.) Tony: IT'S GOLDBERG!!!!! THE MAN WITH THE UNDEFEATED STREAK!!!!!! 165 WINS IN A ROW!!!!!!!! WILL HE BUILD ON THAT TONIGHT?????????? (Goldberg jumps in the ring, and starts spearing people. He gets Sting, Luger and Sid. When he goes for Hogan, he runs into a big boot, and a legdrop. Hogan covers, and Dickenson registers the three count.) Tony: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG DROVE THE HUMMER!!!!!!!!!! HE RAN OVER CHAVO GUERRERO WITH THE HUMMER!!!!!!!!! BUT WAIT....... HOGAN'S GOT THE MIC!!!!!!!! Hogan: Hey, look at this, Goldberg is out, and guess what? He drove the Hummer! I laid the smack down on his candy ass, no doubt about it! He was just checked into the Smackdown Hotel on the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabroni Drive! Hey, wait...... he's waking up! Hey, Goldberg, I didn't mean to hit you so hard with that big boot. You OK, big guy? Goldberg (groggily): What do you mean, am I OK? You just......... Hogan: It doesn't MATTER if you're OK, jabroni!!!!!!!!!!!! Tony (laughing hysterically): WHERE does he get this stuff????????? Hogan: Listen, all I have to say is since you drove that Hummer, and since the man it hit, Vincent, is a good buddy of mine, maybe I'll just take the set of keys, turn them sideways and STICKTHEMSTRAIGHTUPYOURCANDYASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Huge pop from the crowd). Tony: Go for it! Hogan: If ya smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.............. what Hulk................is cookin'. Tony: UNBELIEVABLE FOLKS! I'M JUST AS IMPRESSED AS YOU ARE! BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHEN - WHAT'S THAT????? (The camera cuts to the rafters, where Chastity is wearing a black jumpsuit. When Hogan spots her, he flees from the ring). So.......... that's it. Any comments, mail me at wrestling_writer_4x@yahoo.com. Matt "Blackjack" Hayden freelance Mail the Author Visit my site |
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