Hello.

I am Buff.

And I've been.... away....

But fear not... I am back, and I have for you:

Part III:
How 2 Speak EXtreme

But first....

The Pretzels!

Sorry folks, it's been a long time, but here's some letters....

FROM: Adrian Tynan

Hi Buff - well contrary to my subject - you probably
didn't even think anything about me not writing - but
I have to boost my own ego! :)

I would have written earlier - but I forgot to open
the door and come in - sorry! (Mr Gumby Rules!!)

An excellent continuation to the "Hardcore" series - I
was laughing my ass off at a couple of those lines -
especially the x+y = z line - I snuck a reference for
you in the Delphi Forums because I don't think I'll
ever be able to see that equation without thinking
"hardcore"!
Anyway - have a good weekend - I'm off to remember the
downside of living in Australia - playing football in
30 degree heat.......... still - could be worse! :)
Cheers,
Adrian

Thanks for writing again, Adrian...
And when an Aussie says its 30 degrees, they mean Celcius.  For us yankees, 30 degrees Celcius means150 degrees Fahrenheit. Actually I am lying... Australia does not exist....
...Buff McKenzie, changing the face of "math" forever....

Mr. T (read his column), writes:

Hi,
 
good column as always -- I happen to work for Jack in the Box [seriously] but it's still fun to slam them, and I've always pondered the question -- the correct answer IMO is:
k) Perform Kurt Angle's Olympic Slam [Right Angle] such as it lands their --ahem, gonads right in the last fryer [you know, the one that you make tacos in] and then put either a) use the gowawfully heavy meat presses to hold them there or b) prepare tacos with their remains. Make sure to clean the tomato slicer afterwards!
 
Guess I'm too rooted in reality -- oh well. Extremists cooking your food probably would be a bad thing anyway.
 
Good job on the columns. Go mess with Ronald or something, or the ANTENNA BALL SWAT TEAM OF DOOM will be looking for you with their seqeegees, right after they take out Dave Thomas.
 
-Mr. T
[slash] wrestling [Thinks Jack would make a good WWF heel.]

Ronald is a good good man and I should hope that the worshipers of a bulbous-headed maniac would cut him some slack dammit! Jack only has to take care of a corporation, while Ronald must oversee an entire coutry - McDonaldland.  Especially since Mayor McCheese became a lush, the rampant crime spree of the Hamburgler and the gangland style violence of the Fry Guys. And just what the fuck is Grimmace, anyway?

Adam Pidgeon writes:

Damn Buff, what are you smoking and can I please have some?

--

[Using Suck-telnet-mini sig v0.1.1]
Last updated 2/16/2K
by: CLU, last hope of the TRON

Adam... I am smoking sausage, and no.

And now....

In our last article, I said some stuff that I don't remember either, but if you really want to read it, CLICK HERE.

The extremest speaks differently than those of education.
Or to put it a different way: iT.

In order that one might speak in a more extreme manner, one must realize that the intrinsic nature of the extremest is extreme.

a=b and a=c, so therefore a=c

Extremest equals extreme and extremest equals extremest therefore a wombat equals his iced tea.

It's that simple.

The first aspect of the extremest's manner of speech is the exaggerated use of explatives or euphamismsmssmms, that is to say; The extremest talks a lot of shit.

Any potentiality of inserting an explative must be taken advantage of.  And if you want to tell me that I dangled my participle in that last sentence, I'll kick your ass.

Ha ha!  You see? I inserted an example of extreme speech there by surprise! I'm on a rampage! Hey... you're not laughing.... Fine. I'm still gonna kick your ass.

The extremest is also very descriptive of the manner in which he/she will do to an opponent, office manager, clown or politician.  As well, the extremest remembers everything that has ever been perpetrated against them by their opponents.

This is because it's all on tape.

Let us return to our example friend - the Jack In The Box employee for a bit of dialogue (def- that kind of poop that hurts).... we'll call him Lollypop Johnson...

LJ: Excuse me... Manager Fred?

MF: Yes, Lollypop?

LJ: Manager Fred, last week at MONTHLY MEETING (ppv) you made an example out of me in front of the whole Palookaville JIB federation, and the millions watching at home.

MF: Now, Lollypop, I only meant to-

LJ: Shaddup!  You called my consistent tardyness a burden on my fellow workers.  You slapped me with a suspension-plex and dock-slammed me 2 days pay.

MF: Lollypop, have you forgotten to take your Prozak, your mother specifically-

LJ: It doesn't MATTER what I forgot to take! Your ass is going to feel the power of my Lollypop-slam! I will show the world that you don't fuck with "the Jones!" And when you're lying on the ground praying to god that I don't mount your ass with the Lollypop Spear (tm), you will know who fucked you..................uuuuuup! Hey-yo!!!!!

Ahem....
The final sentence is another example of extreme speech. The catchphrase.  There are three types of catchphrases:

A. Those meant to intimidate.
2. Those meant to be humorous.
III.  Those meant as a "sing along" for those hearing them.

A. Those meant to intimidate....
    These are phrases stated at the end of an extreme tirade (def- a refreshing dring made of rubber) as a violent punctuation to what has just been said.  E.g. "Bang bang!" ((c) 1999, 2000 Cactus Jack).  By saying "Bang bang", Cac (as we his friends call him) is really saying, "Remember all that stuff I just said? Yeah, I was talking about making you bleed and stuff with various items one might not normally associate with a wrestling match.  I apologize, but I have antisocial tendencies because of my own insecurities of being an overweight, out of shape man in a sea of perfect bodies.  And my mom only breast-fed me for 2 months. That always bugged me, too. Bitch. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that all that stuff I said is really violent, see? It's so violent, it's like a gun.  And what sound do guns make? That's right. Bang bang!"

2. Those meant to be humorous....
    These are also stated at the end of a little speech an extremest might make, meant to make the audience laugh either at the extremests extreme extremeness, or the plight of his opponent. E.g "If you smell what the Rock is cookin'!"  What the Rock is really saying is that, "Hey. I'm not a bad guy. In fact after our match, why don't you come over for a nice dinner.  And if you can tell me what we're having by the pleasant odors eminating from my opulant kitchen, you get a prize!" "No, just kidding! Everyone laugh! You are so stupid! Actually, somehow it means that I'm gonna kick your ass.  Just don't ask me where the hell I came up with this one. I don't even know...."

III. The Sing-Along...
    These are meant to be stated in unison by the extremest and the audience winessing the speech. E.g. "Cause Stone Cold said so!"  This is ironic (def- a type of metal used in building cars - e.g. That car is ironic), because not only is Stone Cold saying so, but so is the entire audience.  Create your own lemming analogy for fun and profit....(It's like Grit!)

To sum up: 2+3=5

Coming next - at least one of the 2 people having sex. We hope.

The next column is Doric.

And join us next week with tape.

And you can also read : How 2 Look EXtreme!

And now....

Remember my band Motive Eight?

No?

Well go there now! CLICK NOW! DO IT!

I have just added a FLASH version of our website that is getting RAVE reviews (really). So take a gander, or a goose.

I've also added another song to our archive at our MP3.COM SITE! GO NOW!!

Or I will cry.

Remember...

Be like Buff, behave.