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STRONG WORDS
Hello. I am Buff. And a whole lot more... Welcome to Part II of : How 2 B X-treme. But first, we have the section I will entitle: The Pretzels! Yes I ripped it off from CRZ, so shhh! I set a new Buff record with 2, count 'em 2 e-mailZ (notice X-treme spelling) Binary communicato #1: From: Adrian Tynan (from Aussie-land, I believe) Hiya Buff!
Anyway - its been a while, so I thought I'd say - I'm
PS - checked out the motiveeight tune - its good (not
Well, as I personally thanked you before, I will thank you again...
Electronic word thingee #2: From: Jason Wachter Hey, you've got a good sense of humor. If only I could be
so
Thank you Jason. By the way, you win the Bringing-up of a Bad Experience Award for this week for reminding me of the time I got food poisoning from J.I.B. so virulently that I experienced horrific vertigo. What are these two wonderful people speaking of?
B-4 I forget... MAIL A [SLASH] COLUMNIST! Because it's all about content, and CRZ.net has plenny o' dat, kid. And now : ONWARD! How 2 B EXtreme, Part II : How 2 Think EXtreme Some time ago, a snotty philosopher said, "I think, therefore I am." Centuries later, and we are still laughing. Not only is it pretentious tripe, it is also poor grammar (def. your grampar's wife). We at the Institute of tha' X-treme have modified this statement: "I think extreme, therefore -OH SHIT, I'm bleeding!" Far more appropriate, we feel. This section of your training will focus on thinking "extreme." First, you must understand that you do not think extreme now. To do so, you must think in a surprising, loud and unexpected fashion. There is a quite simple formulae for this: x+y=z Whereas "x" is the start of a thought, or a "cause", e.g. PETA Whereas "y" is the unexpected reaction to "x" Whereas "z" is the extreme conclusion of x and y. "Wait," you say, "you said in your last section that match doesn't exist!" We say, "Bite me... Us... Bite us." Or more importantly, the Statue of Liberty. More often than not, the majority has more people. To think extreme means to think outside the normal realm of human thought, to get down to a more basal level of functionality, to trip the lights fantastic, and to be or not to be. For example.... When confronted with a situation, such as an irate customer at your
Jack in the Box, the extreme thing to think/do would be:
The correct answer is: j) Hold aloft your thermal detonator till you wring a few extra scheckles from that bloated sand-ferring monarch. Then it's off to Rome for a little synchronized swimming and toast-cramming. The lights! The people! The small creatures brimming with unfettered love for the lower portion of your trousers that you had pressed only the night before..... Remember - think unexpected, and you are one step closer to thinking extreme. The extreme thinker, or extremist as we will now call them, does not follow the rules. The test above was a test on two levels - one, the obvious, was a literal interpretation, i.e. a test. The second level was when you got to be called a "magician" and could cast an additional magic missile spell. The best way to prepare yourself to think as an extremist is to bash your head repeatedly into something harder than your head - a rock or bio-chemistry 101, for example. Or possibly a large wooden model of Abraham Lincoln. What we are looking for is a scrambling of the fundamental interconectivity of synapses that control typical reactions to everyday problem. Or to put it another way, the football rutabaga FORTRAN. Smell? Essentially, you have to cause minor Dain Bramage. Wrestlers commonly accomplish this by hitting each other on the bean with chairs, tables, wrenches, frozen fish-sticks, the QE2 and Batman. We are not responsible if you do this to yourself, because we are irresponsible. Once you have accomplished this, read the following sentence: I had a dog, his name was blue, and - OW MY FUCKING APPENDIX JUST BURST!!!! Make sense? If so, congratulations - you are now ready to begin thinking phlebotomist. Focus niblet estuary census alarm-clock. Now naysayers may say nay, you say? Hooray. Think outside the box. Which box? The box of Cocoa-Krispies. And if I have to explain to you how to think inside a box of Cocoa-Krispies, then I feel bad for that bird that lodged itself into the grill of my car. The Weber grill. We hope this has been helpful in your continuing education of becoming an extremist. If not, then come closer, I've got a ball-peen hammer I wish to introduce to you - my hammer, your skull - it's a date!
That's it for now.... join me next week for the next chapter.... And.... download my MP3, mutha! http://www.mp3.com/motiveeight RIGHT HERE!!!!!! NOW!!!!! Remember... Be like Buff, behave.
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