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Buff McKenzie

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BLAH

STRONG WORDS

Hello.

I am Buff.

And a whole lot more...

Welcome to Part II of : How 2 B X-treme.

But first, we have the section I will entitle:

The Pretzels!

Yes I ripped it off from CRZ, so shhh!

I set a new Buff record with 2, count 'em 2 e-mailZ (notice X-treme spelling)

Binary communicato #1:

From: Adrian Tynan (from Aussie-land, I believe)

Hiya Buff!
How goes it in the land of goth-loving? ;)
Me again - to ask - what the hell were you on last
article?  It was cool - but in a totally "Terry
Gilliam" type of way - ie - a lot spinny at the same
time!
Interesting - not sure I want to be hardcore if it
causes segues like those.........

Anyway - its been a while, so I thought I'd say - I'm
still reading and I'm still enjoying!    Keep up the
great work!
Cheers,
Adrian

PS - checked out the motiveeight tune - its good (not
my usual tastes, but I still appreciated it) - but you
may be wary of that link - it bombed me out every time
I checked it last Friday!!

Well, as I personally thanked you before, I will thank you again...
You hear that kids? The tune is good!
We've been having server problems, though so I put a site on MP3 dot COM.
http://www.mp3.com/motiveeight
DOWNLOAD IT NOW KIDS!
And as I've not watched WCW in ages (because it's a big steaming turd), I've missed out on my fave, Daphne. *sniff*
In related news, another [slash] columnist (female) is now on the Flair, Crowbar, Daphne bandwagon.
All of you, acknowledge the progenitor of this - me.
Ok, fine, don't then.

Electronic word thingee #2:

From: Jason Wachter

Hey, you've got a good sense of humor.  If only I could be so
extreme, I wouldn't have to work at Jack-in-the-Box.  Actually I don't work
at jack-in-the-box.  The only thing extreme about that place is the food
poisoning I got from some of their rank-ass tacos.
See ya,
Jason Wachter
University of Missouri-Columbia

Thank you Jason. By the way, you win the Bringing-up of a Bad Experience Award for this week for reminding me of the time I got food poisoning from J.I.B. so virulently that I experienced horrific vertigo.

What are these two wonderful people speaking of?
Why, it's my last column! (You did read it,  didn't you?)

B-4 I forget... MAIL A [SLASH] COLUMNIST!

Because it's all about content, and CRZ.net has plenny o' dat, kid.

And now :

ONWARD!

How 2 B EXtreme, Part II : How 2 Think EXtreme

Some time ago, a snotty philosopher said, "I think, therefore I am."

Centuries later, and we are still laughing.

Not only is it pretentious tripe, it is also poor grammar (def. your grampar's wife).

We at the Institute of tha' X-treme have modified this statement:

"I think extreme, therefore -OH SHIT, I'm bleeding!"

Far more appropriate, we feel.

This section of your training will focus on thinking "extreme."

First, you must understand that you do not think extreme now.

To do so, you must think in a surprising, loud and unexpected fashion.

There is a quite simple formulae for this:

x+y=z

Whereas "x" is the start of a thought, or a "cause", e.g. PETA

Whereas "y" is the unexpected reaction to "x"

Whereas "z" is the extreme conclusion of x and y.

"Wait," you say, "you said in your last section that match doesn't exist!"

We say, "Bite me... Us... Bite us." Or more importantly, the Statue of Liberty.

More often than not, the majority has more people.

To think extreme means to think outside the normal realm of human thought, to get down to a more basal level of functionality, to trip the lights fantastic, and to be or not to be.

For example....

When confronted with a situation, such as an irate customer at your Jack in the Box, the extreme thing to think/do would be:
a) The customer is always right.
b) Punch them in the face.
c) Pee on their shoe.
d) Thrust their head into the fry-o-lator while stabbing them in the back with the sharpened end of a #2 pencil and screaming the Gettysburgh Address at the top of your lungs.
e) Fat people have feelings too.
f) Only you can prevent forest fires.
g) Eat a baked bean sandwich.
h) All of the above.
i) None of your business

The correct answer is:

j) Hold aloft your thermal detonator till you wring a few extra scheckles from that bloated sand-ferring monarch. Then it's off to Rome for a little synchronized swimming and toast-cramming. The lights! The people! The small creatures brimming with unfettered love for the lower portion of your trousers that you had pressed only the night before.....

Remember - think unexpected, and you are one step closer to thinking extreme.

The extreme thinker, or extremist as we will now call them, does not follow the rules.  The test above was a test on two levels - one, the obvious, was a literal interpretation, i.e. a test.  The second level was when you got to be called a "magician" and could cast an additional magic missile spell.

The best way to prepare yourself to think as an extremist is to bash your head repeatedly into something harder than your head - a rock or bio-chemistry 101, for example.  Or possibly a large wooden model of Abraham Lincoln.

What we are looking for is a scrambling of the fundamental interconectivity of synapses that control typical reactions to everyday problem.

Or to put it another way, the football rutabaga FORTRAN. Smell?

Essentially, you have to cause minor Dain Bramage.  Wrestlers commonly accomplish this by hitting each other on the bean with chairs, tables, wrenches, frozen fish-sticks, the QE2 and Batman.

We are not responsible if you do this to yourself, because we are irresponsible.

Once you have accomplished this, read the following sentence:

I had a dog, his name was blue, and - OW MY FUCKING APPENDIX JUST BURST!!!!

Make sense? If so, congratulations - you are now ready to begin thinking phlebotomist. Focus niblet estuary census alarm-clock.

Now naysayers may say nay, you say? Hooray.

Think outside the box. Which box? The box of Cocoa-Krispies. And if I have to explain to you how to think inside a box of Cocoa-Krispies, then I feel bad for that bird that lodged itself into the grill of my car. The Weber grill.

We hope this has been helpful in your continuing education of becoming an extremist.

If not, then come closer, I've got a ball-peen hammer I wish to introduce to you - my hammer, your skull - it's a date!


That's it for now.... join me next week for the next chapter....

And.... download my MP3, mutha! http://www.mp3.com/motiveeight     RIGHT HERE!!!!!! NOW!!!!!

Remember...

Be like Buff, behave.

Buff McKenzie
freelance

Email me, I like it
Visit Motive Eight

BLAH

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