Hello.

I am Buff.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Superhero.

And yes, Defendah' of the 'Hood.

Before I get to How 2 B eXtreme....

Did you know I was on the latest WCW pay-per-view?

Well, if you missed it, check out Brady Porche's recap of the event, only on CRZ dot Net!

Click HERE now!

Vats of oatmeal are heavy.

And MAIL A GODDAMNED CRZ COLUMNIST!!!

Woah, that was a bit extreme, don't you think?

Which brings me to :

H O W    2    B    E X T R E M E ! ! !

Hello and welcome to the first installment of how to be extreme.  You are reading this because you find yourself wondering how you, a non-extreme person, could indeed become extreme.

This is the first installment of several in the following order:

How 2 B Extreme

What Have We Learned? (X)

You have a good job stacking burger-buns at Jack-In-The-Box. It pays you enough and it's so easy, you need not put much effort into it.

You work 36 hours a week, so you have lots of free time to devote to your crystal-radio set and watching Antique Road Show.

You drive a Hyundai Accent - lime green.

You wear Roebucks Stretch-Jeans and "the nice" flannel shirts every day, whether it's Sunday or not!

You like neopolitan ice-cream. All 3 flavors.

An exciting day for you is when you find out that frozen pizza is on sale for 3 for $10.

You are not extreme.

"But wait", you say, "I collect insects and mason jars! That's pretty extreme, right?"

We say, "An elderly resident of Florida (state motto: More Butterscotch Candies Per Capita Than Any other State!), Wilford Brimley for example, is more extreme than you."

We, and when we say we, we don't mean we, we mean the dictionary, defines extreme thusly:

ex·treme (ik-streem)
  adj.

         1.Most remote in any direction; outermost or farthest: the extreme edge of the field.
         2.Being in or attaining the greatest or highest degree; very intense: extreme pleasure;
            extreme pain.
         3.Extending far beyond the norm: an extreme conservative. See Synonyms at excessive.
         4.Of the greatest severity; drastic: took extreme measures to conserve fuel.
         5.Archaic. Final; last.

  n.

         1.The greatest or utmost degree or point.
         2.Either of the two things situated at opposite ends of a range: the extremes of boiling and
            freezing.
         3.An extreme condition.
         4.An immoderate, drastic expedient: resorted to extremes in the emergency.
         5.Mathematics.
              a.The first or last term of a ratio or a series.
              b.A maximum or minimum value of a function.
         6.Logic. The major or minor term of a syllogism.

Adj. def #2 is the most appropriate for this discussion.  Personally, we feel that syllogism is not a real word and we'd thank the dictionary not to insult our intelligence again.

And for the record, math is not extreme.  It is another figment (def: a tasty fruit) of someone's vivid imagination.

If you add the word extreme to another word, you get two words.

But more importantly, you get a phrase that has inundated (def: dated a lot) our culture in recent years.

For example : Extreme Sports, Extreme Taste, Extreme Porn, and ExFeild 'n' ExStream.

That we have established that extreme means "very intense", you can see what we mean when we say, "Extreme" + "Insert word here".

It conjures images that are above the norm, to the highest degree, and of the 1998 Playmate of the Year (extreme cleavage).

Extreme is exciting.

You are boring.

You want to be exciting.

Therefore you want to be extreme.

It follows the Communistic Property of (snicker) "Mathematics" (def: Accounting insects):
a=b, b=c, so c=a large body of water.

To be exciting, you must be extreme.

And that is why you want to be extreme.

Extreme extreme extreme.

Lets briefly see how you can be more extreme, using our friend we created in the beginning of this article...

Instead of stacking the burger buns, dump them in a pile while shouting that you, "Claim these buns for (insert country (def: you sicko, it means place of fish and crabs)." Or "Fuck these buns! Get it?! HA HA HA! Get it?!"

But this is just a small portion (def: a small car) of what one can do to be more extreme.

In this series, we will teach you the fundamentals of How 2 B EXtreme.  We start at the top, with the brain, and travel all the way down to the liquor store for a bottle of Jaeger and a nudie mag.

Anyone, including Mother Theresa (def: a rotting corpse), by following our instructions, can be extreme.

The next installment is a new family room off of the dining room.

The next part we write is "is".

Join us next time when we teach you "How 2 Think Extreme!"

Here, I'll make a link right HERE for the MP3 itself.  It's called Mannequins and it's by my BAND, Motive Eight.

Then after you listen, lemme know how you like.

Because I like when you e-mail me.

Like.

Remember...

Be like Buff, behave.