Yep. It's me again. Who am I? Michaelangelo. What am I doing? I'm spending a few hours criticizing all the hard work hundreds of men and women who work for two large sports entertainment companies do on a weekly basis. What makes me so qualified to produce a column that picks apart Monday night wrestling shows? Twenty years as a fan, a degree in writing, and a few hours free a week.

Yep, so suck it up gang. I'm a smart mark and I am not afraid to speak my mind.

Speaking of which, from time to time I listen to WCW Live, the Internet Radio show that is hosted by wcw.com. Last week, I called in (as Michael from Boston) to make a comment, as I am wont to do from time to time.

I start with a lame ass comment about Bagwell then go into my opinions on Vampiro's "push." Madden tried to shout me down but I fired back at him and I think I got my point across. Give it a listen:

Click here to listen. (Skip ahead to about 47 minutes into the show.)

For those without the benefit of real audio or sound card (you savages!), let me summarize. I spoke about how Vampiro constantly loses all his matches, in spite of the fact that he is supposedly being pushed. I tried to get across that Vamp is essentially a jobber to the stars in spite of the fact that he could be a top card talent if used properly. It was tough, as Madden loves to loudly interrupt callers as often as possible. During his thunderous retort, Madden made a comment about Vamp's recent matches against Jarrett, Flair, and Luger that struck me as not just odd, but asinine:

"It's a work. The winning and losing doesn't matter!"

Winning and losing doesn't matter? Since when? If that's true, why is it Hogan refuses to job? Why is it Nash and Hall refuse to lie down? What he should have said is, "Winning and losing doesn't matter if you are not a friend of the booking staff or an over-the-hill overpaid has-been who refuses to give up some glory for the good of the company."

"...winning and losing doesn't matter."

It's that kind of thinking that will keep World Championship Wrestling at the bottom of the wrestling barrel, with record low PPV buyrates and the constant loss of their best and brightest workers. If they continue to book their shows with this as their motto, before long WCW will be begging people to watch their shows and attend their events. In fact, as I write this, ads are airing constantly for the upcoming WCW Nitro in Providence, RI this Monday. "Tickets are still available, but they won't last long." Sure they won't. There's less than a week left before the event and I bet thye havent; sold 40% of the venue yet. The last time the WWF was in town, it sold out in a matter of hours.

"...losing doesn't matter."

It's good that you think that way, Madden, because your promotion is losing...losing ratings, losing respect, losing talent, losing fans, and losing money. I hope your radio show pays well because if this keeps up, you'll be losing your job.

Hey, that's just my opinion. If, on the odd chance, you read this column Mark Madden, drop me a line. Give me your response. I'll print it here unedited. I may be a mark and a crude one at that, but I am fair. 

Oh, as a side note, if you listen to my whole segment on WCW Live, you'll hear Madden make a comment about me after I hang up. (After he called me "slappy.")

"Michael was a pretty intelligent guy, but he was getting on my nerves."

Yeah! Two points! Hat trick!

Anyway, let's move on.

This week's King of Vague References is once again Jeff Tatarek, who got all four correct! Here is his crown earning letter:

From: Jeff Tatarek
Subject: Vague References for March 1 

Even if I completely waffled on the "He'll never touch you" reference, and thus let he crown slip from my fingers, I remain compelled to take a crack at the Vague References. Too doggone fun.

1. GOOD: Miss Hancock is back. I hope she does more than...er...um...last time. "She's a superstar in a superstar machine, taking it to the stars! Yeah! A motion lotion!" (Vague Reference) --This is from Mr. Show with Bob and David

2. HERE WE GO: One of the few wrestlers left in WCW that I actually like, Vampiro, has a shot at the US Title. Again, please WCW, I've been good all year. "Justify my love!" (Vague Reference) --Hrrmmm... besides being a Madonna song?

3. INTERESTING: The David Flair and Daffnee spot. David's two stepping is entertaining. "Go trig boy, it's your birthday!" (Vague Reference) --American Pie; blink182's Mark Hoppus says it too.

4. GREAT: The start of this match. The Acolytes catch Matt and then Jeff knocks them both down with a senton leap over the top rope onto all three men. "Good show, old man!" (Vague Reference) --Gomez Addams, from the movie version of The Addams Family.

---
The Once and Future King
Jeff Tatarek
or Rich Lather, if you really want a pseudonym... :)

Great job, Jeff. I am proud of you.

A quick word about Vague References. I have been getting less and less entries each week. Should I keep doing it? Can I expect more entries or should I just give it up and focus on the GBU alone? Please let me know!

For this week, there are references to be found. Identify as many as you can and send your answers to michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. You too could be king for a week.

Okay, enough of that crap. Let's get to the good stuff.

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for March 6, 2000

WCW NITRO

GOOD: Vampiro and Finley getting it on backstage. I like both these guys and feel that they are good workers. Seeing them slugging it out at the start of Nitro is always a good thing, even if they are both wearing fake casts.

GOOD: The first match, Psychosis versus Kaz Hyashi! Cool, a great cruiserweight match to get us warmed up! It's been a while since we could expect something like this.

GOOD: Juvy is back...without a cast. I wonder if he is ring ready yet?

BAD: He's still doing the Rock thing. That shit has lost its punch as of late, and considering we can't understand a thing that he's saying, it's even an less effective bit.

AWESOME: Great match. Awesome spots. Truly great effort by both men.

BAD: This match was way overbooked! Oh my God! Boston traffic isn't as hectic as this shit.

WORSE: A screwjob ending ruins a great match.

GOOD: It sets up a worthwhile feud between Juvy/Psychosis and The Artist. If that ends with Psychosis getting the Cruiserweight title and actually getting to hold it for a few weeks/months, I will forgive all.

BAD: Vamp and Sid are in the main event together, but they are teasing this Finley/Vampiro thing. Let me guess, Finley is going to interfere in that match and cost the face team the victory.

BAD: Madden on the in-ring pairing of Jeff Jarrett and Heavy D: "The dream team." I can't begin to tell you just how wrong that statement is. It's like "Kathy Lee" wrong, "Milli Vanilli" wrong, "Vanilla Ice" wrong!

GOD AWFUL: Rikki Rattman. Get rid of this forty-something porcupine haired asshole. I don't want him on my television, fixing my car, or even rummaging through my trash. He's a worthless guy with the kind of face you just want to smash with a rusty lead pipe.

BAD: Next week he will be here in Providence at Brown University. Figures, the only reason they come to town is because they want to visit a high profile ivy league school. Maybe I can swing on by this weekend with my rusty lead pipe.

CHEAP ASSHOLES: WCW gives only $3000 to the local charities? Ted Turner, the man with the deepest pickets this side of the Mississippi is throwing pennies at the poor? Why not take Hogan, Goldberg, and Sting's annual salaries and split them amongst all the needy causes. God knows those three guys aren't earning it.

BAD: Why doesn't Disco change his persona now that he is hanging with the Paisanos? Now is the perfect time for a new gimmick.

GOOD: Big Vito tries to get the crowd going, God bless him. It's like trying to sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves. (Vague reference)

BAD: The match ends just like the last one, with an overbooked screwjob. 

WORSE: Instant replay changes the result? Why didn't they overturn the first match? I bet that every other match tonight will end with a screwjob, and none of them will be overturned. Consistency, WCW, consistency.

DIDJA NOTICE...that all the security guards have ponytails, except Dillenger. He'd look cool with a mullet.

GOOD: The NWO striking a cop. That's what bad guys do. 

I BET: There's gonna be an arrest angle tonight. I hate those things.

GREAT: Crowbar getting chokeslammed through the table. That was a great spot. Kudos Storm, I got nothing bad to say about that.

GOOD: David Flair on the stick. Not awful, and Daffnee looks great in those Sailor Moon-esque pigtails.

I KNEW IT: The Harris boys are being arrested. Great.

AT LEAST...the bad guys are getting hauled in for once.

BAD: The chokeslam means we won't be seeing Devon for a while. I hope when he comes back, he wins the blowoff match against this big asshole.

GOOD: If they get the tie off this guy and keep him as an unbeatable monster, Wall might just get over...maybe.

GOOD: Wall sets up two tables...I know what's coming.

BAD: David celebrates by climbing up on the turnbuckle right by the two stacked tables. Not smart.

GOOD: David put through the two tables. Good bump, kid.

GREAT: Hennig is wearing his "Rap is Crap" shirt! I thought he'd forgotten about that.

GREATER: He's Hennig, and he's a face. Two great tastes that go great together. (Vague Reference) 

GOOD: Hennig asking Arn where Flair was when his son was getting destroyed by The Wall. This is the kind of consistency in angles that we need to see, and putting decent grapplers like Hennig in the spotlight will get no argument from me.

FUNNY: Bam Bam selling a slap from Wall like he got hit by a buffalo. I'd call it BAD, but I laughed my ass off, so it's okay.

GOOD: Al Greene finally getting his shot as "The Dog."

BAD: "The Dog?" Please.

BAD: Madden on "The Dog:" "Bow wow wow, yippee yo, yippee yay. the dog's in the house." Quoting a Konnan song is just uncool, no matter what the context.

ANYTHING BUT MEMORABLE: This match. Both men were fine, I just didn't get into this match...neither did the crowd.

BAD: Is Evan laughing when "The Dog" is chewing on his head?

UGLY: "The Dog" has red eyes. What kind of dog do you know has that color pupils? Wait, don't say it, Dogs of War! (Vague Song Reference)

GOOD: The way Knobbs and Finley covered Green's face with the mask to clam him while they put the chain around his neck. Nice touch.

GOOD: The way Flair blows off the question about his son in a way that makes you forget that the commentators were angry that he wasn't out there helping David after the chokeslam. Whooo! Who's the man?

GOOD: The Nitro Girls dancing. I like 'em. Sue me.

BAD: Chae not facing the camera.

GOOD: Vamp is back. Lots of Vamp tonight. It's all about Vampiro. 

REQUEST: How about letting him WIN a match for once?!?!

BAD: Jarrett giving the same bullshit interview that he always gives. Yeah, yeah. "Slapnutz." Yeah yeah. "Chosen one." Yeah yeah. Autopilot is nice, isn't it?

MY GUESS IS...that the Wall will be Jarrett's partner tonight.

I WAS RIGHT: Here he comes. What a guess!

WHAT: Lane and Idol screwing with the Demon's casket? Why? Oh, and are we expected to believe that they actually said something to each other? during the "hijinks planning phase?" Ugh. What a bunch of crap this segment is.

GOOD: Rematch between Hennig and Flair. I'll take it.

BAD: I thought Hennig was supposed to streak or something because of his loss last week?

GOOD: Flair insures heal heat in his own backyard by talking trash about Chapel Hill.

BAD: This match is exactly like last week's match.

GOOD: When Flair gets nailed onto the announcer's desk, Hennig calls Madden "fatso." Guilty pleasure, I laughed.

BAD: Hennig's "leg out from under him" spot is botched as he catches his legs on the ropes. Too bad. That usually looks really cool.

I TAKE IT BACK: This match is not the same match we saw last week, it's actually quite a bit better. Better pacing and this time Hennig gets a clean win. I liked it, I did. Even the subsequent beatdown didn't bother me.

GOOD: The post-match events. Hennig gets pounded on, gets a "broken arm," Arn comes out for the save. For a moment, I thought he might turn on Hennig, but he didn't. Flair telling Luger to back off with the baseball bat was an interesting touch too.

BAD: Lane and Idol welding the casket shut. This was GOOD until I asked "Why?" or "Where did they get welding equipment?" I mean, it's a kind of funny concept, but the theory as a whole makes no real sense.

BAD: I fucking hate Rikki Rattman. I don't hate anyone, really, but I hate him with ever molecule in my body.

BAD: Is Luger going to break the arms of every guy in WCW or just enough to stock a gimmick match with lumberjacks?

QUESTION: If Vampiro, Fit Finley, and Brian Knobs can all wrestle with broken arms, why can't Goldberg wrestle with shredded tendons?

GOOD: Lane versus Norman Smiley. This could well be another good match. There has been surprisingly decent matches booked tonight.

BAD: Idol's commentary. Does the phrase "dead mackerel" mean anything to you?

BAD: This match...it's a missed spotfest. Ugh.

GOOD: Schiavone on Lane's low blow to Norman during the Big Wiggle: "He kicked him right in the wiggle."

BAD: Miss Hancock again? Let me guess, bad commentary and then she starts to dance...

I GUESS I WAS WRONG: Nope...nothing this time. Interesting...

BAD: Lane just stood there and let Norman slowly and deliberately apply the "Norman Conquest." It really was a bad spot. Awful, even.

BAD: Wasn't the Kiss Demon pissed at Norman for stealing his duds a while back? Why would he help him out?

BAD: Tank Abbott is here. They ruined his ass last week by having him tap out to Sid's pathetic "Crippler Crossface," and that's a fact.

BAD: Tank again "shoots" on WCW saying that he tapped last week because they threatened to take him off TV otherwise. This kayfabe breaking shit got them in trouble when Bagwell was doing it a few months back. Why bring it back?

GOOD: Nice stiff shot to La Parka there.

BAD: They just destroy the credibility of a damned good worker like La Parka inside of 15 seconds. Christ almighty.

GOOD: Meng! Whoo! It's about time he got back.

BETTER: He has lost the big fro look.

BAD: They won't let him into the ring? Good idea. Tease a relatively unimportant midcard feud and don't even give us a taste...who booked this shit? I promise you, WCW, this won't sell PPV's.

WHAT THE FUCK? Tank just leaves the ring because Meng showed up? I thought he wasn't leaving. Why the change of heart? It makes no sense. Ow. My head hurts.

 BAD: Why isn't Chae in the ad for the Nitro Girls' website? What a rip.

BAD: Hogan, once again, is not at the show. I hear they are taping his spots back to back to save money. Here's a little tip...if the guy is too expensive, 45 years old, and barely over, release him. Cut your losses, job him to Flair and get him the hell off my television.

UNREALISTIC: Hogan's cast is off already? Finley and Knobbs got their arms broken weeks before Hogan did. Do vitamins and prayers make bones heal faster?

SHUT THE FUCK UP...about the Yappapi Indian Strap Match. What the hell is that anyway!?!?

GOOD: Kidman and Torrie. Where does she shop for her clothes, anyway? I know a certain little hottie who I'd like to see model some of those duds for me.

WHY...is Kidman fighting Stevie Ray? What's the story here?

UGLY: 4x4. That guy's arms are so big, he can't even get them down.

GOOD: Kidman is partnering with Booker tonight.

GOOD: J. Biggs is good on the stick tonight. I think he may be the only guest commentator of the night that didn't suck huge ox testacles.

BAD: Did I just say "ox testacles?"

PLEASE: Jeff, give Wall a new shirt. Not because I want him in the NWO, mind you, just because I am sick of that damned suit.

GOOD: Rhodes takes a direct potshot at all of us "Internet smart cheat sheet writing" types. A tip of the hat, I think.

GOOD: Rhodes tells a guy in the audience that he is "not worth the sweat on his ass." The fact that his ass is sweating and he admits it is something to be commended.

BAD: Here comes Funk limping to the ring. He may be a tough old goat, but he should not be wrestling.

UGLY: This chicken in a diaper, barbed wire, beatdown sequence. I'm still not sure what happened, but I just can't get into it at all. Why the hell is Funk still around? He lost his commissioner-hood, so what purpose does his presence serve?

BAD: Jarrett says "You're damn right." about 30 times on his way to the ring.

BAD: This match. Vamp and Jarrett are trying to save it, but Sid and wall are just too sluggish and sloppy.

BAD: The ending of this match. Yet again, Vamp gets a loss and Sid eats yet another guitar shot. Fucking WCW.

OVERALL: The night was peppered with potentially good matches with poorly booked endings. That seems to sum up the basic principles of WCW television these days. They have some talent out there but they waste it. Guys like Hogan, Nash, and Sting are too good to even bother showing up at the arena, and the young stars that do are forced to job time and time again. Let me send a quick message to anyone under 35 on the WCW roster. Be afraid, be very afraid.

WWF RAW

GOOD: The idea of Stephanie and Shane fighting over power in the WWF. This could make for some great angles leading up to Wrestlemania while Rocky keeps fucking with them until Vince returns to restore peace. I am really digging this angle.

BAD: Comparing Rocky and Stone Cold. Why do I get the feeling Mr. Austin is asking to be injected into the top feud of the company to make sure some of his heat survives his absence? Fucking egoes. Can we ever escape them?

GOOD: Rikishi versus HHH. The last time these two fought, they tore the house down. I look forward to the rematch.

GOOD: Shane getting a high five from The Big Show and shaking his hand in pain from the impact. Good spot, work or not.

GOOD: Stephanie is wearing that leopard print micro miniskirt. Yowza. 

INTERESTING: Note how the apron camera cuts when she get into the ring. She ain't no ho. No panty shots for daddy's little girl.

BAD: Another Kane versus Big Show match. I hate their matches. It's like watching two tortoises trying to crawl over each other. 

WOW: What a slap to Shane by Stephanie! Good Lord! She really nailed him!

BAD: No Rock in the opening interviews? Hm. Whassup with that?

GOOD: The Posse waylaying Crash Holly in his hotel room. The spots of them covering him over and over again were quite amusing.

SARCASM: I am so glad that they found something for Craig T. Nelson to do. I thought he'd never rebound after Coach went off the air.

EPIPHANY: I just realized why my RAW reports are shorter than Nitro. It's because I spend most of the time watching these guys enter the ring.

BAD: JR says that Kane was thrown "aggressively" into the ring steps. How else would one be thrown into the ring steps? Casually?

GOOD: JR avoids the word "slobberknocker" by saying "This match was not meant to be a scientific one." No shit.

GOOD: Rocky making a very Stone Cold run-in during the match. Now that's the way to have a screwjob happen.

BAD: Mae and Sexual Chocolate still talking about the baby. Let it go, please!

GOOD: Mark makes an off color (pun intended) remark about how his hand and the one Mae "gave birth" to were very different.

GOOD: The Acolytes Protection Agency commercial. I like the Pulp Fiction references and the slogan, "Because we need beer money." You gotta love these two guys.

UGLY: The replay of Mae's delivery. Jesus, did we have to see that again?

BAD: D-Von Dudley versus Mark Henry. Who really cares? We want Benoit!

INTERESTING: JR mentions BB having been taken out by the Dudleys. I thought she was released. Hm. I wonder if she really is gone.

BAD: Mae doing the "Bronco Buster." There's just too many things wrong with that.

GREAT: Mae going through that table! Wow! You go grandma! What a bump! It looks like it might have been a bit flubbed too...

BAD: Road Dogg is still acting like a face. I give up.

AS USUAL: Too Cool is incredibly over. Wow. I don't get it, but hey who cares? Whatever works, right?

GREAT: Crowd's chant of "X-Pac sucks." We New Englanders, we know what's bad and good, right CyanIndigo?

GOOD: X-Pac trying to take a free shot at the Grandmaster during his "Thriller" dance and then again during the first attempt at the "Worm." I like seeing that some of the in-ring antics can be kind of dangerous against more savvy opponents.

QUESTION: Kane chases X-Pac out and Road Dogg gets the "Chokeslam" again. When are they going to break these two up for good? Now it the time to turn Road Dogg face again, since he refuses to act the heel anyway, by having him confront X-Pac about leaving him to the wolves again.

I WOULD HAVE MARKED...if Kane danced with Too Cool. I know it would never happen, but still. We can all use our imaginations.

GREAT: Jericho versus Angle for the Intercontinental Belt. Imagine that, a credible title defense on Monday night. What are they thinking? WCW, tune in here and watch how they pull this off.

GOOD: Angle's seamless, effortless heel heat on the way to the ring. Dammit, I hate to admit it, but the Olympic douche bag is growing on me.

BETTER: Jericho's retort. "Mrs. Angel, put down your whisky sour, pick the corn chips form between your teeth..." The guy is just gold.

GOOD: I love tilt-a-whirl moves, when done right they look great. Speaking of which, where the hell has Bryan Adams been?

GOOD: This match. Wow. Wrestling, on WWF. Who'da thunk it?

GREAT: The spot with the "Liontamer." Angle almost powers out but Jericho pulls him back to the center of the ring! 

AWFUL: Bob Backlund causing the DQ?!?!? What the fuck is that shit about!?!? What a pile of bullshit!

I TAKE IT BACK: WCW, please don't book this way...wait...you already do. Forget it.

INTERESTING: HHH versus Rikishi at 10 p.m. So, what's the main event tonight? The plot thickens.

BAD: The fact that we know Rocky will run in on this match too.

BAD: Rikishi should have his own music by now. He's out of Too Cool's league now. He's a main event draw and should have some cool music to go along with it. Perhaps he can use Billy Gunn's music while he's out for the surgery. Think about it.

UGLY: Why do the cameraman insist on putting the camera close to Rikishi's ass every chance they get?

YUP: There's the DQ and there's the Rock. Seems like TONS have happened tonight already...what they got for the second hour?

GOOD: The backstage antics of Head Cheese continue. Blackman threatening the stagehand, "I will rip your throat out." Classic.

DECENT: This match. Matt did all the crazy shit and Blakcman looked like a bad ass. What more do you need?

GREAT: Blackman with a nice tilt-a-whirl pancake. It's tilt-a-whirl night in Springfield, MA. Life is good in the Northeast.

UGLY: Flubbed backdrop by Matt.

GREAT: Clean win by Blackman! Double whammy! Woo hoo!

WOOOOOOOOO! Crippler and Rocky in the steel cage! Headbutt off the top of the cage!!!! 

BAD: Fucking Rocky is going to win tonight.

COOL: Edge and Christian versus Saturn and Malenko! Good God, this is a great night for wrestling.

GOOD: Great chain wrestling by Malenko and Saturn. Edge played the "face in peril" very well.

BAD: Terri with the commentators. Is it me or should he be seen and not heard?

INTERESTING: Terri constantly screwing Edge and Christian. If she costs them the tag team belts at Wrestlemania...I might just script a letter of complaint to WWF Entertainment.

BAD: Viscera in the last 30 minutes of the show? What the hell are the bookers smoking? We have a card-o-gold up until now and this is what we get at 10:35? Are they trying to slow the whole show down?

BAD: Crash versus Viscera. I care zilch for this match. How the fuck many times are these two assholes going to fight each other?

GOOD: Crash gets slammed through some Papa John's Pizza boxes! That is the best pizza in the whole New England area! They give you a hot pepper with every pie. Mmmmm!

BAD: It got spilled all over the floor.

GOOD: Bradshaw and Farouk again prove their worth by bringing this match to a merciful end.

GOOD: Does Mae's table dive mean she's out for a while!?! Yes! Finally!

BAD: Mark Henry back from the hospital already? Excuse me? I've been to and emergency room in Massachussetts before. It took two hours jsut to get a place to sit, let alone treated, admitted, etc... How the hell did Sexual Chocolate get back so soon?

BAD: Mark trying to take on both the Dudleys at once. Too much geriatric sex must have made him a bit senile. Dumbass.

SUGGESTION: Turn Benoit face tonight!!! Please! Ah shit. Why bother...it's probably a bad idea anyway...I'm just a sucker for face wrestlers...and I just totally dig The Crippler.

BAD: They're using the crappy "port-a-cage" tonight.

BAD: If any of you out there thing Rocky will not be in the main event of Wrestlemania, I got a bridge to sell you.

OKAY...so we got all the bad guys outside...where are Rikishi and Kane to even the score?

WHOOOO! Benoit with the headbutt! I never get sick of seeing that! German Suplexes!

SHIT: The Rock wins. Well, we can't expect two in a row, I suppose. At least he was in the main event tonight.

GOOD: Benoit made a hell of a showing in this match. He actually was elevated from the loss.

GOOD: The ending...now HHH got a chairshot on Show. No help for Rocky...I love when my predictions don't come true.

OVERALL: Seems like another mediocre evening for the WWF. They seem to be coasting a bit on the way to Wrestlemania, but why not? For all intents and purposes, they have no competition anymore so, why bother pushing themselves? By the same token, the fans seem to be losing out on what could be some really exciting nights. Hopefully they'll punch up the card in the next few weeks to make us feel a bit better about their cash cow PPV.

Well, that's it for another week. It's late. I'm tired. Let me end like this:

Later, all.

Questions? Comments? Shuffleboard lessons? Write me at michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered or used to spike the punch.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.