Welcome all my friends to the show that never seems to end. It's Michaelangelo here wishing you all well as we start the new year/century/millennium...whatever. Hope you all had a good time this past weekend.

See, the world didn't end, though I bet some of you wish it had.

Have any of you out there heard that "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" song that the pop stations are playing? I had a lengthy discussion about this song with a certain [slash] Wrestling cybergoddess. We agreed that this song (let me get this right) "sucks donkey dicks" but it's so God dammed catchy that we can't help but get into it whenever we hear it. It likens to that "What is love" song that the SNL Roxbury guys bob their heads to each weekend.

It's all the more proof that the media is implanting subliminal thought into our brains. Yikes. Maybe Orwell should have called his book "2000."

Oh, and for the record, CyanIndigo sounds incredibly cute when she sings the "Da Ba Dee" part of the song.

But how would I know?

Just as a side note I got out to see three films this weekend. Man on the Moon, Galaxy Quest, and The Green Mile. I have to say I heartily recommend each of them. The first film does a brilliant job of chronicling Any Kaufman's mindset and gives us a wonderful glimpse into his psyche. The second film manages to not only deify the fan boy (and girl) mentality but also pokes a little fun at people who obsess about their favorite television show while giving us a light effect laden sci-fi comedy. The last simply blew my ass out of the water...bring tissues and get to the theatre for half a dozen of the best performances of 1999, 2000.

Whew. Ebert I am not.

Anyway, let's move on and talk about wrestling. That is why we're here, isn't it?

It's My Column and I'll Rant if I Want To

What is the future of the wrestling industry? What does the year 2000 hold for the big three? I have some theories but rather than present any kind of prediction column I prefer to look at the current situation and offer up a few rants.

First of all, let's take a gander at WCW. This week they begin their two-hour Nitro format. This should allow them to tighten their show substantially. I see nothing but positivity here. Russo and Ferrara's "Crash TV" style of scripting did not lend itself to the three hour timeframes. The talent was stretched entirely too thin and we found ourselves subjected to rapid fire backstage segments that hit our brains like air rifle pellets.

Now, what the WCW writers have to do is start moving their angles forward a little more quickly. Wrestling fans are tired of having to try and remember half a dozen different mysteries each week. For example, we have the mysterious "remote control" guy who attacks people in the ring when the lights go out. On top of that, there's a freak in a Scream mask attacking people backstage and dashing off like a 1970's cartoon superhero. Let's just stack these on top of Harlem Heat's breakup, Disco Inferno's mob connections, the NWO's assault on WCW, Kanyon's self-importance, Luger's impending doom at the hands of Sting, Norman Smiley's fearful Hardcore Title reign, Three Count's issues with Vampiro and Chavo, the Varsity Club's re-emergence, the Filthy Animals and Jim Duggan's battle with the Revolution, Jerry Flynn's worthless feud with the even more worthless Tank Abbott...need I continue?

There's just too much happening. They need to scrape away a few of these angles and focus on one major uppercard feud and maybe four or five happenings in the midcard. In my humble opinion, it's much better to dedicate more time to less stories than the other way around.

But that's just me.

Over in WWF, what is there to say?

They're kicking ass. Vince McMahon managed to recover from what could have been a PR nightmare when Russo and Co. departed for Atlanta late in 1999, 2000. 

Vinny Mac's storylines have shifted a bit, but have managed to stay interesting and fun over the past few months.

Although he seemed to stumble a bit at the loss of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the revival of DX as a major heel faction and the subsequent alliance that they forged with his daughter have fed the fire for some interesting new developments in the federation. Meanwhile, the Big Show and Test are getting over as future main event players while The Rock has taken his rightful place as the federation's number one man.

I do take issue with a few things that New York is cranking out each week. Give me a second to go over a couple of them.

First of all, the women's division. When you have talented female grapplers like Luna Vaschon, Ivory, Jacqueline, and Torri on the roster, keeping the belt on The Cat of any length of time really seems like a misappropriation of resources. Admittedly, I like the idea of Chyna helping with her protégé's  defenses is a smart move, it must end logically, like with all the women grapplers coming together against Chyna to keep her out of the way while one of their own beats The Cat clean to recover the title. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening. Chyna has said time and time again that she wishes to compete in the men's divisions, and that's fine. But something has to give here. Pick a side, Chyna, and face the consequences of your decision.

In addition, I am concerned about the quality of wrestling that The McMahons have been giving us. It seems the further along we go, the less actual "wrestling" the WWF puts into its shows each week. Strong storylines are great, but I'm a purist and I can stand to see matches longer that 4 minutes each week. I long for the days when the WWF's Saturday morning show gave us great interview segments and even better wrestling.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no fool. I know that Vince is catering to a different kind of fan these days and the likelihood of a return to the format of the 80's is never going to happen. All I ask is at least two or three matches a week that last a few minutes longer than normal, giving wrestlers other than the Brood or the Hardys a chance to show us why they got into this business in the first place.

And that's what I think. Disagree? Agree? Don't give a flying fuck? Write me! Michaelangelo70@hotmail.com.

Letters

Last week's Question of the Week was:

If you were a wrestler, what gimmick and angle would you choose for yourself?

I really think the Question of the Week is getting over these days. I am consistently getting great answers from my readers. Remember, I print every letter I get, so what are you waiting for? At the end of the column is the newest question, why not take a crack at it?

From: "Matt Plunk" 
Subject: A Gimmick.

I think the possibilities of a "Shoot fighter" character have yet to be fully explored. This is an idea I've had for a while for Taz, but now WCW is sorta ripping it off with Tank Abbot :(. Imagine Vince doing a vignette where he signs some guy (Make sure there's a "lawyer" on the guy's side) who's been touring the far east. The look isn't that important. He could have an Asian Martial arts gi, but nothing too flashy. Maybe something about around where Sabu wears.

Anyway, okay, Vince signs this guy, and he talks to Shane about how great a fighter he is, etc. Oh, a name. Hmm...Lance "Dragon" Black sounds good to me. So, this guy has his first match on Raw or Smackdown, or even PPV. His opponent should be midcard...somewhere between Gangrel and X-Pac. So, Black fights with Martial arts types moves. It's pretty even, but the high impact moves of Dragon start wearing the guy down. So, in the endgame, he sets him up for his finisher...one of those Japanese moves that just destroy the opponents neck. So, the match is stopped, they do the stretcher job, and Ross apologizes for this, etc.

So, on Raw, Vince talks to the guy saying "Hey, I'm not holding it against you. Just don't do that move anymore, blah blah blah, be careful" The guy's just stoic.

So, he fights a real jobber, and looks like he breaks the opponents arm or hyperextends the knee with a submission move. Now Vince is pissed, and he tells him if he injures anyone else, he's fired. Black just gets pissed and walks away. Vince mutters "He'll see how he likes it when he fights Kane."

So, in this match, it's really close, but a distraction or something, lets Dragon hit a big ass kick that knocks Kane out. Lance Black pins him, then gives him the neckbreaking move. Crowd boos him horribly. Vince runs out with his all this rage and he's like "That's it, you're fired!". However, the lawyer from the first vignette comes out with a contract, which he says it's the contract, and it's iron clad, Lance can't be fired. The lawyer is
then given the manager's role.

Could you see the heat this gets if some guy went out and put out a Hardy Boy? Or maybe broke the Rock's leg? Incredible heat.

Not a bad idea, but only if the first guy he destroys is X-Pac.

From: ArtnKay 
Subject: It doesn't matter what my subject is.... 

Greetings to the High Priest of the Cult of the Goddess of the Internet, CyanIndigo.

In the Expansion Sermon, you asked the following question:

"If you were a wrestler, what gimmick and angle would you choose for yourself?"

I would like to be packaged as an ordinary guy who cut good promos without overloading on the catchphrases and who could move seamlessly from technical wrestling to brawling and sell like I had a suitcase full of Amway. In short, I would like to be the reincarnation of Arn
Anderson with a few technical additions.

Arn and Ric always cut the best promos in my opinion, but Ric went a little overboard on occasion. The People can say what they want about the Rock, but he overuses his catchphrases. Yes, he cuts first rate promos, but I liked Arn better because he used the catchphrases to add to his promos. Sometimes I get the impression that La Roca is coasting on "Sing-a-long With The Rock" and not really giving a full performance. Show me a time when Arn didn't give 110%.

Ummm....where did that come from?

Oh well! I would like to be the next Arn and be the best backup and friend that a World Champ could have....And the worst nightmare of all my opponents.

Offer up a sacrifice for me at the altar of the Goddess. The married dare not approach for fear of her allure. Our wives would not look kindly upon our desire to become her acolytes.... ~8>)

Art

ps- (insert compliment here)

I have to agree with your comments about The Rock. His performance each week does seem a bit phoned in these days. Although the crowd just loves it. I'd like to see the big guy come up with a few new lines now and again, though.

From: Shot2Hell 
Subject: QotW 

Amazing timing, this question--I've just recently been getting into Wrestlemania 2000's Create A Wrestler mode.

If I could stage my own gimmick and angle?

Gimmickwise, it's a tossup. I like the idea of the most underrated wrestler around (make it a fact that he gets paid dick, has a great W/L record, and has yet to receive any title shots or better-than-midcard matches).

On the other hand, I'd love the idea of, say, Mankind's protege. I'm a huge Foley mark, and feel that even if he is at the point where he wants to stop taking life-threatening bumps, find somebody else who will, and make it into a manager-wrestler relationship. I think that'd be sweet as hell.

Anglewise, it's pretty easy. As most underrated wrestler, he'd have to do the stuff Al Snow originally did, taking on handicap matches and fighting with officials until he got a Euro belt shot (or some other belt that has no heat behind it). From there, maybe revive the JOB
Squad. I liked that stable, I really did.

As Mankind's new pal, trying to become the new King of Hardcore, or an angle where he became the undisputed King of the Battle Royale (have 'em more often, 'cause I love those things).

Maybe I'm uncreative. Maybe I have too little appreciation for some other wrestlers. Either way, I'd find it entertaining.

Shot2Hell

That thought of Mick Foley as a manager to a new, young, crazy, up-and-comer is gold. We could keep a very charismatic man on the television without fear of his legs going to more shit than they already have. I hope that the WWF bookers are reading, cause this is good stuff.

From: Bethebunny
Subject: Another email 

I did my "one email per column" gimmick again.

Sorry.

Anyways, if I was a wrestler, I would be an '80's reject ala Billy Madison. It would rock the house, because I would do everything that was cool in the '80's (tell people 'Far Out!' and such.). And, I would come out to a different '80's cheese rock song every week!

Wouldn't *you* mark out for a guy who came out to "Big Country"? I would! And then Duran Duran! Hungry like the wolf...hungry like the wolf....

Or, I'd shave my head bald, grow a goatee and no-sell everything. Maybe ECW could use one of those, since the other two feds seem to have made some good money with that character.

An 80's reject? Didn't WCW do that with Hammer? <grin>

From: Halkman26
Subject: Expansion Column 

Hey Michaelangelo:

As far my wrestling gimmik, I have two, both that would only work in the WCW. The first would be the Gynecologist. Think about all the gorgeous women in the WCW: the Nitro Girls, Kimona, Symphony and if they ever brought back Georgeous George and Tori, hell, I'd job to Buzzkill for that one. This gimmick can only work in WCW as if it were introduced into the WWF, invevitably I'd be staring between the stir-uped thighs of Moolah and/or [shudder.....] Mae Old.

If "The Powers That Be" wouldn't go for that one, I would hope they bring back their "Old v. Young" storyline from a few months back. My character would be on the side of "Young" as "The Anthropologist." I would hold a Shane Douglas type role as spokesperson (with no physical ability being my excuse for not wrestling, rather than a ruptured bisep) and I would attempt to determine from what prehistoric era the Hogans, Pipers (sorry
Michaelangelo, at least Hogan is sometimes coherent), Nashes etc. are from and how they survived this long.

Don't know if you caught the Nitro Millennium Spectial on TNT this week, but it was actually pretty good. One thing that did really, really bother me though was Bobby Heenan. I never thought I'd say this, but he is worse than Schiavone. He makes the lamest, un-funny, ridiculous statements that cut into the flow of the show. Additionally, and I don't know why this bothered me so much, but it did, when the panelists (Schiavone, Heenan, Hudson, Tenay and Scheme Gene) were discussing the NWO, Schiavone said that Heenan has been and always was a big supporter of the NWO. Hmmnnn, I remember Bobby's running like a little girl everytime the NWO comandeered the TV booth and his open, un-heel like disdain for Hogan and Co. was almost shoot-like (was it??)

Sorry that I have no answers for the Vague References - the only one I positively knew was the Superman one; I think the one about the gut was Mike Myers. I had absolutely no clue about the others. Have a Great New Year!

Halk, a/k/a The Weird Albino of Vague References

First proctologists and now gynecologists. I worry about you, man.

From: Torri Rolfe 
Subject: Can I, Can I? 

Be your groupie that is. I mean, I know that you'll be forever obsessed with Cyanindigo's *ahem* assets, but maybe she can give me a few helpful hints on how to do whatever she does to men.

As for my wrestling gimmick...I want to go to ECW. Not because I'm a big fan necessarily, but because of my name. That way there can be 3 different Tor(r)i(es) in three different federations. That will really make the fans' heads swim. And because it's ECW I can have a real entrance music, it would have to be Devil's Dance by Metallica...a strong seductive bass line that I would think most of the fans would recognize. Oh well, happy Y2K, and here's to the year of my paragon of virtue.

Cheers!
Torri

Wow! She accepted! I have a groupie! Worship me!

I'm sure that CyanIndigo wouldn't mind sharing me with you and I'm sure she'd be happy to give you whatever pointers you think you may need. 

Welcome aboard!

From: "Mr. T" 
Subject: Re: Awesome, T! 

Hi,

What gimmick would I choose for myself? Well, I would go for a Lanny Poffo-Genius type gimmick, only I'd be really smart ...and really whiny. I'd complain/diss EVERYTHING...the advertising banners, the rings, the drinks, anything little I could think of...because who is more irritating than that person you know that is ALWAYS complaining about every little thing? Instant mega-heel. The important thing about it, it ALWAYS has to be little things that no one really cares about, to *really* annoy the people when you get the stick.

As for an angle, I might turn on my partner ...because he booked me in the Motel 6 instead of the Hilton, or rented a Toyota instead of a Caddy...or leaving trash in the rental car...just something really insignificant (maybe I don't like his music? :-) ....then I'd go on the mic and whine about "all the trauma" he's caused me.....FEEL the heel heat!

Take care,
Mr. T
That [Slash] Wrestling Madness

Always good to hear the words of T. 

From: Jerry Root
Subject: Hate to Disappoint 

The voice of the grinch (actually the narrator) is Boris Karloff. (God, I ought to know. My kids have watched that damned tape so many times that I'm singing the goddamned song in my sleep! I keep waiting for him to stuff Cindy Lu Who in the bag and drop her in a snow drift!)

As for the angle? I'd probably choose a Father Time gimmick (Or my personal fave, the Mat Potato for obvious reasons. hehe). Come to the ring in the robe, carry the scythe and hourglass, long white beard, etc. As for the finisher, probably use the hourglass over the head (time runs out).

Hey, that sounds almost like a gimmick for Hogan, doesn't it? Damn!

Jerry

I stand corrected. Let it never be said that I didn't admit when I made a mistake. It worked for Clinton and it will work for me.

Nyeah.

That's all for the answers to the question of the week. When you work your way down to the bottom of the column you'll see my next challenge. Are you man or woman enough to take a crack at it?

From: Jackyl0ff
Subject: Going to Smackfest? 

...Just wondering.

Plus, I'm a bigger asshole than you are, by far. So there. If I'd written more than two columns, I'd be making a HUGE stink over your "favorite Boston-based wrestling-writing asshole" claim.

Okay, so the Smackfest question was just a way to sneak that comment in. Sue me. Or go fuck yourself.

See? Huge asshole. Beat THAT.

I have no idea what Smackfest is, otherwise I'd go to it. As far as being an asshole, I'm really not. It's just that it's a gimmick that gets a lot of people over (Hyatte, Madden, Howard Stern, Hillary Clinton) so I thought I'd try my hand. I guess I just can't pull it off.

You win.

From: "Clyde Ford"
Subject: None


MY RANKING OF THIS MATCH IN ORDER OF WRESTLING TALENT: Gangrel, Venis, Ivory, Luna, Jackie, Albert, Viscera, Cat. Anyone want to dispute?

Depends on what you mean by talent...I think the Cat's talent is to just look hot and that puts her at the top of the list.

I did say "wrestling talent" and although her other *ahem* assets, are worthwhile, the Cat cannot grapple to save her life.

From: Shot2Hell 
Subject: Rapture 

You'd lose fans to Rapture in different ways than you might think. Last I checked, when somebody rises into heaven without protection, at about 300 feet up, their heads pop like meat bags from the decompression. Tasty, huh?

Me, I'm gonna be lookin for some God-fearin' Christians wearin' spacesuits. You?

Shot2Hell
Yes, I know I'm going to Hell. Or whatever bad version of the afterlife there is.

Here's a thought that will blow your mind. Perhaps people who are expecting and hoping to go to hell will actually be sent to heaven as punishment. Hm? Hm?

From: "C.J." 
Subject: Just a thought (X-Skid vs J. Hardy)

BULLSHIT! X-Pac kicks out of the Senton Bomb? Fuck you WWF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus, I am pissed off right now.

Actually, in it's own weird way, it makes sense. Follow me here...

In an angle that seemed to NEVER end, X-Pac was built up to be this "giant killer" who went over a lot of the bigger guys this summer. He had that "heart", and wouldn't give up in these matches, which usally lasted a bit longer than this past Monday's match. So, in the mindset of the writers, X-Pac has built this "tolerance" to taking a beating, thus the finish we got. Given a longer match, say on a PPV, I think these two could rock the house, and give more time for Jeff to wear down X-Lax and THEN give the senton bomb. A bit of psychology in a match never hurts. 

Just a thought, keep up the fine work,

C.J.

Sorry C.J., I just cannot concur. Having X-Pac kick out of a finishing move that was delivered clean and with a immediate cover only serves to hurt Jeff Hardy's credibility. Besides, X-Punk is a heel now and he's not supposed to have the "big heart" when he's a bad guy. It's all fucking backstage politics and it's bullshit.

From: Josh Frank
Subject: I don't want to be king 

The only one I think I knew was the "jam sandwich" one. That was Tom Hanks in Bachelor Party at his fiancé's parents' house, right?

Anyways, more importantly, how are you doing? Get back to me through e-mail or AIM, Michael An-Jello.

Uh...Josh

Your reference was correct! 

I'm doing well kiddo. Keep the faith. I'll chat you later.

From: Bethebunny
Subject: Dreamcast... 

Hey, since you mentioned you had one, can I ask you about some games? I mean, really, got any suggestions?

I suggest to you that you get Sega Rally 2. It is awesome, if you like the rally racing games (i.e. insane slides). I love it, and Sega GT is going to rock as well!

Anyways, what's a good game to snag?

The only reference I know from this week is Superman flying backwards around the world. I'm not the king, so I'll just settle for being "The Shit".

Also, your Benoit reference really confused me this week. It wasn't in smaller font like it usually is.

Oh well, if Y2K hits, and the world goes crazy, I hope you're safe. But if you're not, oh well, *I* will be!! BWushahahaha. Just kidding. Take care.

I have Soul Calibur, Marvel Vs. Capcom, and PowerStone for the DC. All three are great games. I usually only purchase fighting games, because that's what I love to do the most. Grrr!

If you want it you got it, you are the "Shit of Vague References."

From: MaximMan25
Subject: Ref. 

1.Nope

2.Are you looking at my gut? Well I'm working on it!! Mike Myers from the SNL skit Middle Aged man.

3.Nope.

4.One of the Superman movies.

5.Clue.

6.Nope.

By the way I hate to tell you this but we have another year before the end of the millennium.

Josh

You got three of six...but so did another guy before you, so you are going to have to settle for "Wizard of Vague References" this week.

As for the Millennium comment...I know that 2001 is the real millennium, but 2000 is enough of a milestone for me to be happy. Stop rocking the boat!

Question of the Week

Simple one this week. Give it a go.

Give me one prediction for the year 2000. What one thing do you think will happen
in any of the federations that will rock the wrestling world this year?

It can be serious or funny, thought provoking or silly. Give me your best shot, if you dare! Write me at michaelangelo70@hotmail.com.

Well, that's it for The Expansion Column this week. Check for the Good, Bad, and Ugly in a day or two. Until then, may all your cars be not lemons.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

Michaelangelo
[slash] wrestling

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