QUICK QUOTES: AOL 51 1/4 (- 4 1/2), TWX 76 1/16 (- 6 11/16), SPLN 35 1/2 (- 6 3/8)

After hitting the Kings store, we stepped inside the Arco Arena for WCW Action! DAVID PENZER welcomed us, then introduced SOME GUY FROM 98 ROCK, who apparently thought the show was WCW Worldwide. He ended up getting booed.

We were introduced to DJ RAN and the NITRO GRRLS, who occupied most of the commercial breaks. Ran can cut a record from side to side - well, no, not really. He's STILL failed to impress me. His big DJ move for TONIGHT was the "mute everything when I speak" technique. Eh.

We DID get a dark match, unlike last night at the PPV. (Oh man, that PPV. NO dark matches. Watching Hall lie there was NOT a "bonus" at the end of the night. Hearing Penzer hype the freakin' *pre-game show* because deep down we all KNEW it'd get a HELL of a lot more views than the thing people had to PAY for just .... ahhhhhhhhh)

SUGAR SHANE & SHANNON defeated LANE & IDOL in 5:01 with a surprise rollup when everyone was distracted by MISS HANDCOCK. 3 Count again did not sing. These guys were "2XS" for like one episode of Worldwide, and then they were back to Lane & Idol - why? Who can say? I've been thinking about this - you know why Lodi was over in the first place? "He was a fag?" No, come on, play ball with me here. "No way, man, I'm not catching for YOU." Oh, get off it. "You'd LIKE me to get off it--" SHUT UP! Putting aside all that queer stuff, the thing that established Idol was THE SIGNS. Why can't Idol carry signs? There are PLENTY of non-gay things he can write down, right? Having said all that, Idol hit a nice triple rolling snap suplex, and one of the 3 Count guys hit a swank apron-to-floor huracanrana on the side I couldn't see, so it wasn't all that bad. Hell, it was practically the longest match on the card! Stick around and see what I mean - the part that you and I saw together is...coming up...

The TV-14-DLS ratings box and closed captioned logo make apperances as see capsule highlights of last night's SuperBrawl - no messin' about with still frames TONIGHT! The Artist wins the Cruiserweight title, Brian Knobs wins the Hardcore championship, The Wall beats the Demon, Tank Abbot takes the skin, Booker T was ready to win except the lights went out and a really big fat guy showed up, the Mamalukes kept the tag team titles, a fake James Brown, then a REAL James Brown showed up, Flair won the Death match (thankfully, no one LITERALLY died), Hulk Hogan beat Lex Luger, Flair attacked afterwards, but Sting made the save, and in the main event, ref after ref was punked out, until Mark Johnson came out, but then Roddy Piper came out and...oh...well, Sid's still the champ.

Outside, Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers - ARRIVE! "We're gonna show 'em what *my* NWO's about tonight!"

Opening graphic

LOOKIT THE PYRO!! We are LIVE from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA (Slogan: "The River City") 21.2.2K and don't you believe it when they say it's a "capacity" crowd!

GENE O. works tonight! He stands in the ring ready to welcome (giant pause) this man (another awkward pause) - well, then the music of the TOTAL PACKAGE finally fires up as he and LIZ come out. Apparently, we were supposed to see Hulk Hogan in this segment, but the Total Package has other idears. He's wearing FUBU?!? Luger finally lets the crowd in on what's going on by being the first guy to say the name "Hogan." Luger tells us that he's really great and we shouldn't boo him. It was only through the fault of Hogan's stooges (Jimmy Hart and Sting) that he doesn't stand before us with a win. Package promises that this is "just the beginning..." And now, "American Made" starts up over the PA and YOU KNOW WHO comes out. Believe it: the people that showed up on this night WERE actually popping for Hogan. Hogan says if Luger wants a next time, how about tonight? Oh, and by the way...there's a cage above the ring, so let's use that too. Hogan says it's "eighteen feet high," I think he's off by about ten feet, but let's not quibble. Hogan lays it down and I think it's on.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ... tonight, the graphic's been prepared! Hogan and Package in a Cage Match! Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Nash kabonged Kevin Nash with a guitar. Also tonight, Sid Vicious in a special interview! YEAH! Tony talks a bit about SuperBrawl, but some music interrupts him...

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, the HARRIS BROS and FOUR PORNSTARS appear at the top of the entranceway. In the building, we all checked out the women. On TV, you NEVER see them except at the beginning and the end. I guess that's something. Jarrett says he's got a signed document guaranteeing him a one-on-one rematch for the World title - signed by Kevin Nash. Jarrett also says he's going to unleash the Harrisses - they're gonna be dropping a lot of H-bombs tonight. OH MAN! HE SAID SLAPNUTS!!

Backstage, a limo - ARRIVES!

Meanwhie, Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson talk about the KidCam gone missing.

Local spot hypes "SmackDown!" on UPN 44

Backstage, Madusa happens upon the whiteboard listing the matches for tonight. I'm not gonna tell you we saw this on Heat last week...but we did. Anyway, she expresses disapproval that she doesn't have a match tonight, then breaks the white board. Get down, Lucy van Pelt! I miss Charles Schulz too!

BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda and stills) v. LASH LeROUX - as Kidman walks to ringside, we take a gander at stills from last night's Kidman/Vampiro match where, surprise, Vampiro did the job. Now, since I was at the arena and saw this already, I know there's no point providing play by play, but I will say that before the HARRIS BROS come out and ruin the match (no contest? :46) it sure looked like LeRoux's ONE 'rana caused Kidman to land RIGHT on his head. Wow, crappy wrestlers end match between two people I almost care about? Hmmm, WHERE have I seen this before? The "H-bomb" is apparently a DEVASTATING...sidewalk slam. I hear that the H-bomb destroys everything within 20 feet of it, but that can't be true, 'cause I still heard color commentary afterwards.

Vampiro is WALKING!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, WCW Powerslam wrestlers, America (ha!) Online 5.0, Judge Wapner's cash scam, and IceSport from Aqua Velva

Closed captioning sponsored by MEINEKE!

GTV - err, the stolen Kid Cam captures Buff Bagwell putting a move on Symphony, getting denied, and then telling her "this never happened." He almost got caught once, so zip her lip. WHAT A DRAMATIC TWIST!

VAMPIRO (with stills) v. FIT FINLAY - We saw Vampiro looking around for signs, and looking sad that he only found one. This month in WCW Magazine - a centerfold of Miss Handcock! I tried starting a Finlay chant in here but nobody wanted to chant with me. Finlay in control, not being terribly sneaky about using his cast as a weapon. Vampiro into the barricade, then into the apron. Cast to the back. Finlay's got a chair - he throats him with it! Rolled back in the ring...

Backstage, we see the Maestro putting a beatdown on Buff while Symphony looks on. Security breaks it up. When Bagwell learns he has a mouse under his eye, he's ready to attack him again - nobody messes up HIS face! I think there was a challenge for a match laid down in here as well... So did Maestro figure out what was going on because he was actually watching the monitor? Holy crap, that would make him the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

Meanwhile, Madusa catches up to La Parka, who's reading a paper. she whispers in his ear. "Si." Again, "Si senorita." she kisses him on the cheek and takes off - he shrugs his shoulders. The AMAZING thing about this is, not only does Parka not understand English, but it's an AMERICAN newspaper!

Surge action can ad. Hey, did they blot out all the "T's" on those Booker cans?

Hey, look, it's the NITRO GRRLS!

Gene O. stands in the back with Booker. He's pretty unhappy about losing Harlem Heat, but "from this point on, it's over with - it's all over!"

DISCO INFERNO (with Mamalukes) v. BOOKA - now Gene said that Big Vito was the opponent...oops. Disco takes the mic and said HE thought it was Big Vito, but he was told it was in fact the manager of champions taking on Booker. Rather than fight him tonight, he has an offer for Booker. "Instead of wrestling Big Vito, and instead of wrestling me tonight, whaddayasay that I give you a handicap match against the world tag team champions - for the world tag team championship?" Booker gets in the ring and pastes Inferno. The Mamalukes jump him from behind. Off the ropes, duck, double clothesline. Hey, if you don't WANT him to duck, you don't put the clothesline THREE FEET OVER his head! Arrrrrgh. Booker with Vito, right hand, off the ropes, reversed, Disco grabs the ankle, Booker turns around, Vito superkicks him when he turns back and he's outside. Johnny works him over a bit on the outside, back in the ring, right, right, right. The belt is FINALLY off as he pounds on him in the corner, whip into the opposite corner, followup lariat, Booker reverses out of the corner and puts Vito down with a Samoan Drop. Disco on the apron, and going down with one punch. Johnny in - uranage that looked so weak, Booker even gave him an "ahh, you can't sell worth shit" right there in the ring (ha!) Axe kick for Vito - he breakdances back up, Harlem side kick for Johnny. Going up to the top rope - Disco pushes him off and referee "Blind" Billy Silverman rings the bell (DQ 1:43) and rings the bell and rings the bell and rings the bell and by now EVERYBODY in my section is wishing they'd stop ringing the damn bell. Let's make it even better! The HARRIS BROS are out. H bomb! H bomb! Again I thought I heard something about a "20 foot radius" and AGAIN I hear some FAT FLAPPING LIPS which seem to directly contradict that assertion. I guess I don't get it. I think what was most disappointing was that we never got to hear Booker's music!

Gene O. stands with Terry Funk & Dustin Rhodes. They're talking on the Harris Boyz tonight. Funk says that Dustin is ten times the man his father was. Rhodes says he'd bet on their team tonight - the reign of terror will end with their match.

Still frames from the main event.

Backstage, Sid laughs at the monitor and says "I got plenty to say!" Then he says.....NOTHING.

Wanna buy a copy of "Positively Page?" We swear it's AT LEAST as good as Mick Foley's book!

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight as the Harrisses interrupted this match - then ran out after that match

Gene O. stands with the new Harlem Heat. Stevie Ray says this is what happens when nobody watches his back. J. Biggs says they own Harlem Heat. (Duh.) Ray says that the giant dude is known as "Cassius." Look for me to say "Cassius in the house!" from now on and I can't help you if it doesn't make any sense to you. Funny, he looked a lot like that old No Limit Soldier 4x4 to a lot of people...

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (with Paisley) v. LA....PARKA for the World Cruiserweight Championship - oh boy! OKLAHOMA is out to insult women! I think I can actually HEAR the ratings go up! Setting aside the fact that La Parka isn't a cruiserweight and shouldn't be getting the shot in the first place, let's move on to the more obvious: Parka seems to have dropped about a hundred pounds and grown tits. Fortunately, the commentators somehow manage to spell it out for the fans that, for instance, find "Wheel of Fortune" taxing on the ol' noggin. Before a single move, Oklahoma gets in the ring and unmasks La Parka...oh, it's MADUSA. Madusa demonstrates that she SHOULD be taken seriously as a wrestler by bitchslapping Oklahoma. And now the *real* LA PARKA is out, chair in hand, and here's a WHACK for Oklahoma. And here's a WHACK for Parka by the Artist. Here's the "manoeuvre." And here's the pinfall. Thank GOD that ended before an actual MATCH broke out. (1:20) Post-match, a perfectly framed shot captures the Artist...and also CRZ and Craig Woodhead, joining the rest of the arena in staying firmly planted to their seats and having no reaction whatsoever. (I'm the one with the freakishly long hair. Duh.) The replay is brought to you by Wendy's Chicken Nuggets.

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Funk and Rhodes are also WALKING!

Meanwhile, a graphic proclaims that a Hogan/Package "Last Man Standing Cage Match" is upcoming!

Goldberg! Eating Spree!

A montage of clips from THUNDER!...I think - it directly goes into

Ric Flair ranting and raving in the vicinity of Total Package and Liz and the TV-14-DLS ratings box. He is ALSO cut off...

TERRY FUNK & DUSTIN RHODES (with stills) v. HARRIS BROS (with Jedoubelf Jadoubleredoublet) - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Funk & Wagnall took on Team Package in a

Gene O. stands with Buff Bagwell - he's Buff and he's the Stuff.

Later tonight, a graphic for the "Last Man Standing Cage Match" Feel it!

During the break, a stretcher came out - good ol' Funk, old school as ever, made sure to twitch convincingly even though NOBODY in the audience cared. Funk's a pro.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Powerslam wrestlers (again), Plus+White toothpaste, ToasterBreaks Pizza from Hot Pockets, IceSport from Aqua Velva (again), Sauder furniture, and Mega-16 almost legal diet pills!

"Positively Page" ad

The stretcher carrying Terry Funk is about to be loaded into the ambulance...but now Dustin Rhodes is out and beating up on Funk again - and now he's driving off with the ambulance! Yo!

Backstage, Booker and Billy Kidman are held back from the Harris Brothers by security. Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking? Maybe these guys would be more over if we made a tag team out of them! Man, THEN we could make some money!

Sting carries the power of the card! Hey, you know if you get that Konnan card, it'll only get SUSPENDED - arf arf arf.

Gene O. stands with Ric Flair - he thinks that Dustin Rhodes did the right thing by dumping Funk. Package is gonna end Hulkamania tonight. Woooo!

Stills from last night's stunning appearance of James Brown. Funk on a roll! So...did James Brown turn heel...or is the Cat becoming a face? And if he DOES become face...does that mean he'll stop calling us rednecks?

BUFF BAGWELL v. THE 'STRO (with the 'phony) - Maestro commands Symphony to stay in the back, then rushes the ring and promptly takes the full brunt of an onslaught from Bagwell, rights, lefts, swinging neckbreaker. Posedown from Bagwell. Head to the abdomen from the Maestro, atomic drop, clubbing blow, right, right, right, chop, into the opposite corner, Bagwell puts an elbow up, Vaderbomb, Symphony IS back out, and Bagwell goes outside to put a move on her - Maestro rolls out and charges - Bagwell steps aside and Maestro CLOBBERS her! She would have fallen out, only there was nothing to fall out, we all note. Back in the ring, Maestro is all over the man. "Look how vicious the man is! Look how relentless!" Now before this turns into a match, here's the NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL out to distract Maestro enough for Bagwell to hit the Buff Blockbuster. 1, 2, 3. (2:04) After Bagwell walks out, Cat says a bet's a bet and it's time for the 'stro to pay up - Cat plays his NEW theme music - some rap of some sort. I'm sure someone will tell me if it's REALLY important. Maestro goes FLAMBOYANT on us - including an unwarranted attack on Billy Silverman, culminating in a Cobra clutch - Symphony motions to Cat to PLEASE stop the music. Also she keeps pulling up her dress, 'cause nothing's holding it up. (Craig: "Buy some straps - or some breasts!") The music stops, and Maestro comes back to reality...I guess.

The Wall is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Sid rushes into his limo and they give chase...to Jarrett, I guess. Well, he's only got a twenty minute headstart, I'm sure he'll catch up to him ...in Reno...for THUNDER!

Hey look! It's Chae & Tygress dancing in cages while DJ RAN gets all up in our area! During the ad break, they play music that they don't have clearance to play on television. (One wonders if they have clearance to play it in the arena...but that's another story)

Let Us Take You Back to Saturday Night, where Hacksaw Jim Duggan fished the World Television title out of the garbage, then defended the title against Robert Gibson (yes, Robert Gibson). Afterwards, Steven Regal came out to challenge Duggan - going so far as to put his career on the line. I actually have no beef at all with any of this - it almost smacks of somebody paying attention to me, after all - except the fact that I'm pretty sure this match has already been taped and the wrong guy won...

TRIPPA B v. THE WALL - Wall doesn't wait for his music, jumping Bigelow from behind. It's time for one of my favourite games, debuting this week and sure to become a major fixture. YOU ARE THE WCW BOOKER: Bigelow is reasonably over with the crowd. The Wall is not. How would you book this match? If you said "give a decisive victory to the Wall, continuing his inexplicable push and burying Bigelow at a time when we SHOULD be rehabilitating him following the loss of his title belt," you COULD be the WCW booker! Wall kicked out of the top-rope headbutt, kicked out of a backdrop suplex, kicked out of an AMAZING standing enzuigiri from Bigelow, hit a top rope chokeslam, and got the pin. (4:10) "The Wall is awesome!" Yeah, he's a regular Bill Goldberg.

Backstage, Hogan repeatedly hits a cyclone fence with his cast and says "Luger" in dramatic fashion

When we come back, Ric Flair talks to David Flair and Arn Anderson - telling both of them they need to do what he says. Both men keep their arms crossed. By the way, David's still insane, right? No? But yesterday, he....ohhh my head is starting to hurt

The cage lowers...

Meanwhile, Flair and Package come across Jimmy Hart in his old school Hogan jacket (dig that crazy old WCW logo!), then they push him RIGHT INTO THE BIG BAG OF POPCORN!!!

TOTAL PACKAGE (with The Man & No Liz & James Hart) v. AD BREAK - They drag him out, beating on him all the way. We take an ad break. Whaa?

During the break, they're a lot easier on him, only kicking or throwing a forearm every so often. They're saving themselves for when it's actually on TV, see.

Whoops, perhaps I was a bit hasty. The Torture Rack didn't seem to make it on TV. I apologise to the Total Package.

TOTAL PACKAGE (with The Man & No Liz & James Hart) v. YOU KNOW WHO - the music fires up, the lights go up, and Hogan works over Flair - double noggin knocker! Hogan's got a chair! Wussy chairshot for Package! Wussy chairshot for Flair! Flair chops, Hogan punches, Flair chops, no effect, Flair hits him in the nuts, this stops him for about four seconds. Hogan rakes Package's eyes, then waffles him with the chair. Flair on Hogan's back - holding him for Package to ram Hogan with the chair. The SECURITY is out to remove Flair from the ringside area - Hart is also helped off. Both men are now in the cage, and the opening bell hits. A "Luger sucks" chant is muted. Package stomping away on him. Package going to put his head in the buckle, but Hogan fighting it. Gutshot, Ten Turnbuckle Count Along. And now the shirt's off! Clothesline with the shirt, clothesline without the shirt, choking with the shirt, head to the cage, kick, kick, standing on the throat, right hand, Ten Cast Count Along, clothesline, right, right, into the opposite corner, follow lariat, nine quick rights, head to the cage is finally blocked, and Hogan's head meets the STEEL. Package with a double axehandle. Stomp, forearm across the head. Crowd chanting "Hogan" (no, really, they are). Head to the cage. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop. Package cups his ear. Field goal kick. Here's a low blow for good measure. Package should go out the door and win this....oh well. Another kick to the 'nards. It's stallin' time, I guess. Package with the suplex - that SHOULD wake him up. Package calling for the Rack. Got it. Package said he was going to Rack him and then leave. Package ...well, NOW Hogan pops right up. There's the point, there's the "I'm working the jackhammer," block, right, right, right, off the ropes, big boot, ear cup as THE MAN once again runs out. Legdrop! Flair kicks away at referee "Blind" Mickey J. and gets in the cage (he can DO that, because Hogan doesn't bother with the door, he's getting ready to climb out - doofus). Flair in - chop, chop, right, left, right, left, chop, Hogan points, Flair with the "noooooo," I forget - is it 1991 or 1994 again? Block, right, right, right, off the ropes, big boot, scoop slam, off the ropes with a legdrop on Flair. Hogan covers Flair - as if THAT would get him the victory...oh wait, at the first Uncensored ...brrrrr. Now Package is awake again and trying to get on Hogan. No dice. Flair chops twice, Hogan points again, Package gets him from behind again. Here's another one of those sky-high double clothesline attempts, easily ducked, double clothesline from Hogan hits. And now the belt is off! Package takes the chair (thrown in by LIZ a couple minutes earlier) and waffles Hogan with it. Edge of the chair to the gut!

What you didn't see after the show: Wow! Flair and Package LEFT! The commentary team LEFT! The cage slowly raised - and Hulk Hogan's MUSIC played! And I think he may have POSED for us! But I left early. Heck, it was 7:15, we could still make a night of it!

I don't know. I mean, there clearly ARE people who are interested in seeing Hogan and his ilk - it's just a question of does WCW think there are actually enough of them to justify the salaries they're shelling out? I think they've lost way too many of the non-rubes, though. (Right now, all the rubes are ready to write me angrily denying their rubeness - please, spare us both embarrassing yourself!)

The night wasn't a TOTAL loss, though. At my favourite record store in Sacramento (closed at 9, so I had over an hour to browse) I FINALLY found a vinyl copy of "Kraftwerk 2" - and it was MINT, BABY! A BARGAIN at $39.79!

Meanwhile, over at TNT, the Hercules marathon...continued...whoa! El Gigante!