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/wrestling /results /WWF Unforgiven |
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/wrestling /results /WWF Unforgiven |
| WWF Unforgiven | 26.9.99 |
| Guest columnist: Marvellous Martin | |
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WWF Unforgiven Unforgiving - a critique of WWF Unforgiven 1999. Hi! I'm Martin, making my first (and hopefully not the last) appearance on CRZ's fine, wonderful site. I had better point out that I did not like this PPV very much, in fact I think Paul Wight vs. constipation would have provided more compelling action than some of the matches. Please bare with me. I live in Britain, therefore Unforgiven was LIVE at 1:00 am. Also, as well as having to stay up until four in the morning, I was also totally sober. Not a good combination in this particular case. This was the most insanely dramatic PPV I have ever set eyes on, I kept expecting someone to shout "MOOOORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAT!!" over the intro. "Forgive us our sins......have mercy on our souls," says Mr Dramatic Voiceover, a message I presumed was on behalf of the bookers, apologising in advance for this mess of a PPV. I have laid this out in three parts, one for each hour of the event. Its not that accurate but I don't give a rat's ass. So lets start with: Hour number ONE. Why it is Steve Blackman always misses when he tries to do a fancy kick? It's not fair. I like Steve, but I knew he didn't stand a chance in this match. Jim Ross says "Blackman can hurt you in so many ways, with his hands, his feet, his head," his interviews........... These guys mailed in their match, once Val had done his little intro (one of the highlights of the whole night), the match didn't deliver at all. The action did not get far beyond dull brawling. I'm sure these two guys can do better than this. The biggest reaction this match got out of me was "HIT HIM WITH A STICK!! HIT HIM WITH A STICK!!" Steve did, and everything was right with the world. For about two minutes. Call me a miserable Brit, but watching D'Lo get smacked and thrown about for a while is not my idea of good 'sports entertainment'. This match made D'Lo look so ineffectual that it made his victory look rather unlikely. Note to the WWF bookers, if you are going to have one man carry a match, make sure he can actually do it. Mark Henry looked sloppy and awful out there. In honour of D'Lo's achievement, I've written him a haiku (thanks to Xavier Doom). Better recognise, Frog splash seals the win, new champ! Good ol' what's-his-name The WWF really are ruthless bastards. They actually have their wrestlers running down ECW by name on their PPV's. Lawler calls ECW Extremely Crappy Wrestling later also. If you're gonna take a shot at another organisation, you could at least try to be witty. It just isn't fair play. Is it just me, or is this Chaz angle really, really, crappy? Does anyone care? Should this kind of violence and issue be used to push a character? I don't think so. Speaking of violence to women, I want something bad to happen to the person who came up with the idea for Jeff Jarrett. I think it would involve the person in question having to be Mark Henry's personal lavatory assistant. To give Chyna some credit, she showed she can be reasonably convincing in putting a hurting on Jarrett. However, this match still much stank. I've never liked Jarrett, and at this rate this isn't going to change any time soon. I'm glad Chyna didn't get the belt, I don't know but it just wouldn't have worked. Gadzooks! Its more or less: Hour number TWO (though it feels more like hour number FIVE already) Coo, the Dudley Boys have cool music. Unfortunately things quickly go down hill once all four men hit the ring. The Acolytes mail in their performance with a standard list of power moves performed with all the conviction of algae. The 3D is kind of a cool move but the screw ending ruined what wasn't a particularly inspiring match. The crowd were nearly dead during parts of this match. Lethargic and depressing. Ivory and Luna's match. Hmmm, was this match taken seriously or was it just a dumb T&A interlude? The guy who seemed to be on CLEAVAGECAM (TM) duty suggests that wrestling was not number one on their agenda. I bet there was a dark match with all the camera men in a barbed wire cage landmine inferno death match to determine the man assigned to CLEAVAGECAM (TM). Well, what can I say except that at least it wasn't too long. I'm scared, I'm starting to miss Golddust, and the Warlord - he was cool. Get me my pills, WHERE ARE MY PILLS?! I think I should make it clear that I hate the New Age Outlaws more than anything wrestling has ever produced ever. I remember when Jesse James came to the ring dressed in a cowboy hat singing Country music, but he's so 'with it' now I expect not many people remember. What pisses me off more about this match is that my two favourite wrestlers in the WWF were beaten. Edge and Christian should be tag champs and there is no excuse. They have ten times the talent of the Disastrous Former Cowboy Gimmick Outlaws, and the screw job ending more or less was the final straw. How do you make one of the most dynamic WWF tag teams since The Rockers look crap? Put them in with Road Dogg's big sweaty ass. Kennel from Hell? WHY GOD? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Hmm, four people huddle in the cell outside the ring with four 'really scary dogs' while Al and Big Boss man wrestle a hardcore match, in a cage, in slow motion. Al Snow is better than this, the crowd presence was practically non-existent and the ending was an enormous anti-climax. To think I thought Hell in a Cell at Wrestlemania XV was bad. By the power of Grayskull, its: Hour Number THREE Now, perhaps I'm spoilt. Perhaps I'm being unfair. But for quite a while, I watched Chris Jericho in the WCW put on some of the best matches I have ever seen. I watched his amazing skits on Dean Malenko, I watched him become the best mid-carder WCW had ever featured. The promise of bigger things lured him to the WWF. Since moving he has proved how charismatic he can be, and what great mic pieces he can put together. But if his match with X-Pac is any indication of what is to come in his WWF tenure, I don't want to know. I never saw Chris Jericho mail in a match like this, but there was so much potential for this match to absolutely kick ass. I know X-Pac is good, Jericho is great, but this match failed to live up to my expectations. Maybe that is my fault, but the appallingly booked ending killed off any hopes I had. In all of my time in seeing his work, I have never been less of a Chris Jericho fan. I really hope the ending wasn't part of some sort of "I don't wanna job" cop-out. Bloody hell, did you see the promo before the main event? What a load of overblown nonsense. It was kinda cool when they played Edgecrusher by Fear Factory, but then when they played Timelessness by the same band - I couldn't help being amused. If you haven't heard the album you won't know the significance of the song, you need to listen to the album to get it because it's a bit difficult to explain. All I can say is that it made the segment seem rather silly, like Vinnie Mac was He-Man or something and Triple H was Skeletor and Chyna was Evil Lynn. Those guys really need to calm down The Six pack match. I wasn't sure of the rules, and neither were the wrestlers involved it would seem. A wrestler would tag another one in and then stand in apparent confusion for a minute, before either just continuing his attack or leaving the ring. Another note to the bookers, if you are going to have a match which is unusual in some way, make sure the wrestlers involved know the rules. Even Jerry Lawler admitted that he wouldn't bet against The Rock. Unfortunately that means the KISS OF DEATH. How many times has the guy whose been most backed to win ever actually win? As soon as Jerry said that, I knew the belt was Triple H's. Shit. This match was an absolute mess, half the time they didn't look like they knew if they were coming or going. The ending was awkward and this match looked rushed, like it hadn't been thought through properly. I hope they don't do this kind if match again. Next time, it should be elimination, that would be far more interesting. There, I've finished. I didn't like this PPV. I expect many thought it was great and if you enjoyed it, that's just jim dandy. I thought it was worse than being accused of sexually harassing Nicole Bass. I mean come on, even Rick Scaia thought it wasn't very good!! Thanks, and I hope to return soon, as long as Chris lets me. Martin freelance Mail the Author |
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