OPEN LETTER TO ERIC BISCHOFF
Dear Uncle Eric;
Your company sucks. That's the bad news. Now
for the good news: It'd be easy to fix. Hell, even *I* could fix your
problems, that's how trivial they are, but the Powers That Be at WCW appear
to have no clue regarding issues that are blindingly obvious to the rest of
us. So here's what ya do to make your company stop sucking, now that you
finally have the chance:
1: Buy a sound system.
There is
just NO WAY IN HELL to get pumped for a match when the intro music sounds
like it's playing on 8-Track and the Promos sound like the wrestlers are
using my kid sister's Mr. Microphone.
2: Size matters. Get a
real Ring already.
What's up with the 5x5 Midget Wrestling Arena
that the WCW thinks passes for a ring? It makes the wrestlers look
unimpressive, and gives the impression that we're watching an ECW show in
the gymnasium of a local high school.
3: Ditch the
Mimes/Canadians.
Okay, I know if *I* were in a company that boasted
Goldberg as their biggest star, I'd damn well hide my face and claim to be
from another country too, but come on now- nobody thinks Clownface
is a cool gimmick. I don't care if it's Sting, the IPC, Vampiro, whoever.
Halloween's over, it ain't 1994 anymore, and gimmicks like this SUCK. As
for the Canadians- Lord, why do you guys learn all the wrong lessons
from the WWF? Yes, the WWF has Edge & Christian, Jericho and Benoit-
popular Canadians all. But here's what you don't seem to get: They're
all really Canadian, and they can actually wrestle. Let me restate
that. The lesson you SHOULD of learned is "Good wrestlers rule, even if
they're from Canada." Instead, you chose to interpret it as "Claiming that
lousy wrestlers are 'Canadian' will somehow make them cool."
4:
Have actual matches once in a while.
Your matches are sloppy. They
run into each other. It's hard to tell where one starts and the next
begins. Half the time it looks like people just run out as the mood strikes
them. You really need to have structure and disipline during your
events.
5: What the HELL were you thinking?
6: If a wrestler has grandchildren, he should
probably retire.
I'm not saying that every wrestler needs to be 18
years old. There's certainly room for guys like DDP. But when the majority
of your company looks like a Depends ad, you've got problems.
7:
Never let the Monkeys run the Zoo.
BPP and DDP brawling backstage?
Nash walking out? Nash existing at all? The kind of behavior that your
so-called 'Talent" indulges in wouldn't be tolerated for ten seconds at any
other company.
Read this message, Uncle Eric. Print it out. Pin it
to your wall. Send copies to everyone else involved with the WCW in any
way, shape or form. I'm not saying I'm a genius; quite the contrary, I
think ANYBODY could have seen the issues I've pointed out. In fact, I think
most people already have, which is why you're dying in the
ratings.
Your Friend,
Goldberg Pac
EZboard resident
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