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| Guest Columns | WD |
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THE LIST Top 10 stipulations for upcoming Bush-Gore Smackdown! debate: 10. Election can only be won via pinfall or disqualification. 9. Special undercard thong match pits Lita/Ivory vs. the Gore daughters. 8. Al's segments air early, G.W.'s after 9 p.m. in case he decides to talk about any of his reporter friends. 7. Format features opening statement, Q & A, and 5-minute bumper shot of WWF New York. 6. Tipper may not accept any "friendship hugs" from Kurt Angle. 5. Questions proposed by all-star speaking panel of Kane, Steve Blackman and Lillian Garcia. 4. Both contestants must submit amateur football background to Jim Ross before broadcast. 3. Ratings success will determine whether proposed Cheney/Lieberman debate airs on Jakked or Metal. 2. No-DQ rule allows for likely Ralph Nader run-in. 1. If debate goes to a draw, next president is Mr. Bob Backlund. Top 10 overbooking tools not used during "WarGames 2000" that would've made it all the more special: 10. Opening of trap door reveals...angry Davey Boy Smith, complete with leg brace. 9. Kanyon brought in to take meaningless bump off top tier from Russo; returns to team with Russo five minutes later. 8. Goldberg still handcuffed, but this time beaten senseless with women's shoe. 7. Scott Steiner tackled by security on way to ring for "shoot" drug test. 6. Surprise appearances by Hart, Hogan, Savage, Luger, Hall and Page all overshadowed by newly heel-turned Mongo McMichael. 5. Natural Born Thrillers erect human ladder outside cages, allow Mike Sanders to climb and reach title belt. 4. Referee knocked out as Nash leaves ring, second ref awards belt to Russo, Dusty Rhodes brought in to declare whole mess a DQ. 3. Sting reaches third cages just as NWO sting cables from rafters, snatches belt. 2. Jarrett wins ratings bet with Russo--wins match, gets belt and haircut. 1. Ric Flair returns, extends record of losing triple-tiered cage matches that don't involve his participation. Top 10 quotations from Steve Austin's comeback interview: 10. "Who's in this year's Brawl for All?" 9. "If you wanna see Steve Austin's results from his most recent CAT scan, give me a Hell Yeah!" 8. "Can you believe they voted for that fat gay guy?" 7. "What's the big deal? Geez, who in the back hasn't stolen another wrestler's girlfriend?" 6. "Forget about 'Stone Cold'--say hello to 'Ringmaster 2000'!" 5. "Oh, hello, D'Lo. I didn't recognize you for a second." 4. "I'll be limited in my in-ring activity for a while, so I'll stick to wrestling The Rock." 3. "No, Vince, I'm not playing quarterback for the Hitmen. End of discussion." 2. "When am I putting that rising star Billy Gunn over?" 1. "Do we really want these people to vote?" Top 5 undercard matches for Kelly-vs.-Sue-headlined Survivor Series: 5. Rich vs. Pat Patterson in "Lights Out" unsanctioned special. 4. Tazz vs. Saturn in "First one off the Island gets a push" match. 3. Colleen vs. Jenna in...well, in anything, quite frankly. 2. Edge vs. Gervase in "Who'll have the better Hollywood career?" cage match. 1. Rudy vs. Golddust. Top 10 predictions for the Flair-Hancock marriage that hopefully won't come true but probably will: 10. Hancock given actual dialog. 9. Pregnancy angle sped up to allow David Flair-David Flair Jr. feud by Starrcade. 8. Rey and Juvi serve as ring bearer and flower girl, respectively. 7. Tygress vs. Paisley in mud pit catfight--winner named Maid of Honor. 6. DJ Ran calls in sick; Tank Abbott performs at reception. 5. Vows interrupted by a tipsy Scott Hall, taking advantage of open bar. 4. Best man Crowbar takes 25-foot fall off of wedding cake. 3. Beth Flair returns, ends up married to Russo by end of segment. 2. Bride kidnapped the night before and wed in secret ceremony to Ralphus. 1. Ric jobs to minister in 38 seconds, then gets stuck with catering bill. Snappy Closer--Top 5 reasons to wrap up "The List" after gala 10th column next week: 5. Continuing after the 10th issue despite announcing retirement would be a "shocking swerve". 4. Lack of reader feedback has resulted in advanced stages of Rant Crew Syndrome. 3. Fresh material limited to "Top 10 funny words that rhyme with 'Helmsley'". 2. Still no closer to dream date with that Georgie lady. 1. Close to signing six-figure deal with relaunched Emzee.com. E-mail encouraged, plugs appreciated, Slash rules, etc. etc. W.D. [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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