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| Guest Columns | WD |
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THE LIST Top 10 Summerslam predictions that hopefully won't come true but probably will: 10. The Big Show ordered by WWF officials to run laps around Rikishi at ringside to build cardio conditioning. 9. The UT/Kane match ends via disqualification, thus prolonging the feud until September...2012. 8. The Benoit/Jericho match is shortened due to excessive promo time given to the returning Mean Street Posse. 7. Jeff Hardy will jump from a high place to a hard place and shorten his career by another 8 months solely for your Pay-Per-View dollars. 6. Sunday Night Heat pre-game show includes important, earth-shatterning news which will be delivered to the West Coast at about the same time the main event finishes up. 5. Steve Austin makes his return via satellite from Texas, urges WWF fans to take beer into voting booth with them. 4. Tazz no-sells a Lawler piledriver; Lawler has a mild stroke. 3. Chyna's handspring elbow bounces off of Trish Stratus's inflated, er, "protection devices". 2. A large man will jump from the top rope and ram his large forehead into the crotch of a helpless victim...for a two-count. 1. Four words for the main event: Double Pin Finish, Baby! Top 5 rejected names for WCW's new "Natural Born Thrillers" stable: 5. "Reservoir Jobbers" 4. "The Perfect Stasiak" 3. "Saving Private Reno" 2. "Jindrak and O'Haire's Excellent Adventure" 1. "Pulp Power Plant" Top 10 ways ECW can capitalize on the new "reality-based" Russo-ified booking style: 10. Slight modification of Little Guido's chant from "Where's My Pizza" to "Where's My Paycheck?". 9. New Jack challenges all comers to a "Mass Transit" first blood match; naturally, there are no comers. 8. Card-ending battle royal winner gets to check arena for loose change after show to pay lighting bill. 7. Sandman pushed to top of card with new "lung cancer" angle. 6. Sandman re-pushed to top of card with new "liver cancer" angle. 5. Sandman re-re-pushed to top of the card with new "Hey, I bet taking unprotected chair shots to the head for seven years ain't all that healthy, either" angle. 4. Justin Credible admits that he is not Portugese, nor was he ever a "Man O' War." 3. Paul Heyman shown watching Storm-Awesome match on Nitro, sobbing softly. 2. Tajiri pledges to make stiff kicks just a little bit stiffer. 1. Tommy Dreamer's new psychological warfare--wrestling shirtless. Top 10 future occupations for past and future victims of WCW layoffs: 10. Elizabeth: Spokesperson for new "Lady Slim Jim" processed meat stick. 9. Diamond Dallas Page: Author of bestseller, "Positively Page II: The BANG! of Khan." 8. Judy Bagwell: Author of anti-bestseller, "Motherhood: Protecting Your Children from Sonofabitch Bastards." 7. Van "Major Stash" Hammer: Guitarist, The Man Mountain Rock Traveling Grappler All-Star Revue (Coming to a town fair near you!). 6. Roddy Piper: Veejay, MTV's "Remember the '80s" spectacular. 5. Eric Bischoff: Co-Producer, "When Most Wanted Animals Attack World Record-Holding Cops," starring Jason Hervey. 4. Lex Luger: Delivery Driver, "Lex Express" mail services. 3. Bret Hart: Champion, World Wrestling Federation (It was all a work. Everything. Believe it, people!). 2. Vince Russo: Featured columnist, Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter. 1. DJ Ran: Founder, "All Up In Your Area" Gynecology Center. Top 5 reasons the WWF doesn't really have 14 million potential voters in its camp: 5. 1 million followed Tazz over from ECW; U.S. law prohibits convicted felons from voting. 4. 2 million are nationalized Canadians; with the exchange rate, their votes are only worth 1.5 million in American elections. 3. 3 million are 14-year-olds who lied about their age on the Nielsen sign-up sheet, thinking it might get them some free beer. 2. 2 million are rabid Rock fans, thus unable to fill out a voting application, ask for help in filling out a voting application, or spell "voting application" in 5 tries or less. 1. 5 million only logged on to WWFvote.com in hopes of seeing the Kat display her "Oval Offices." Top 10 : Snappy Closer--Top 5 signs you are an internet wrestling "lifer": 5. Remember old show reports where individual who was "playing Ricky Morton" was actually Ricky Morton. 4. Never took any "Web dirt sheet" reports seriously unless "The Man They Call Al" said so. 3. Anxiously anticipating "ChatThis 2.6." 2. Used to say things like "how does he expect me to read that whole Lariat if it's broken up into four separate pages?" 1. Still think there's an outside shot you'll be included in Hyatte's "Rat Pack." E-mail appreciated, Slash rules, tell your friends and neighbors, etc., etc., etc. W.D. [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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