THE LIST
Top 10 Signs that the WWF is making an impact in the political arena:
10. Bubba Ray and D-Von now top contenders for House Seats representing Dudleyville, USA.
9. VP-candidate Cheney's new slogan: "Do you smell what the Dick is Cookin'?"
8. With Pat Buchanan on the ropes, Reform Party nomination wide open for Mr. Bob Backlund.
7. Edge and Christian to perform run-in on DNC platform committee meeting.
6. GOP reportedly considering changing offical name to "Republyc4nz".
5. Paul Wight expected to address Bush fundraising dinner; four hours later, Paul Wight expected to finally cover distance from podium back to floor.
4. Latest addition to Shane's Stable: Dan Quayle ("It's truee, it's truee.")
3. ECW attempting to get in on the act with "14,000 eligible voters are watching" ad campaign.
2. Latest WWF cable deal will move Sunday Night Heat to C-SPAN.
1. Al Gore now calling Tipper his "Mamacita".
Top 10 upcoming WCW "shoot" interviews that might acually be interesting:
10. Vampiro discusses his latest successful push with Mark Madden; naturally, Madden pins him.
9. Alan "Kwee-Wee" Funk outlines, in depth, the wonders of the WCW creative process.
8. Konnan explains just how deep into the ground one can run a gimmick before being released.
7. Sting reveals the secret miracle bandages that seem to have cured his hideous, disfiguring burn marks.
6. A sobbing Shane Douglass debuts his new catchphrase, "I could've been a Radical!"
5. Stevie Ray explains how his long, arduous audition process for the "Thunder!" announce gig didn't involve any pending litigation.
4. Jimmy Hart talks theme music--specifically, how to rip of every popular song ever made without being sued.
3. Bryan Clarke finally answers the burning question, "Why, Wrath, Why?"
2. Jason Hervey sits down, gets laughed at by Bobby Heenan for 12 minutes, then leaves.
1. Ric Flair tells the WWF booking committee how many minutes are left on his WCW contract.
Top 5 ways ECW can assure itself of a slot on the fall television schedule:
5. Put cameras in the locker room; allow fans to vote wrestlers out of the promotion.
4. Tape vingettes of New Jack undergoing dramatic ER treatment; even easier, just send a camera crew with New Jack's ambulance after each house show.
3. Quick character makeover turning Tommy Dreamer into a 70-year-old cranky ex-Navy SEAL.
2. In four-way elimination title defenses, champion may use "50/50" to eliminate two challengers.
1. Mystery guest Roadkill featured in "Who Wants to Marry an Angry Amish Chicken-Plucker?"
Top 10 reasons to extend the planned WCW terminations:
10. As last wrestler to leave promotion, Lance Storm could thrown 27 title belts into trash on Calgary RAW debut.
9. "Loser leaves town" match between The Artist and Konnan is win-win for fans everywhere.
8. Cutting roster to six or less might finally give Sting an extended world title run.
7. House shows feature big-screen TV showing Flair-Steamboat matches from 1989.
6. Fewer wrestlers = longer matches = Nash more exposed to injury.
5. Judy Bagwell could return to rightful spot alongside Rick Steiner as tag champions.
4. Crowbar's former gas station in desperate need of windshield-washer guy.
3. Need to recover seven-figure, multi-year contract Bischoff gave to Ralphus.
2. Would be fun to hear Bob Ryder say, "Sorry, we don't have any new information on the status of Bob Ryder."
1. "The Perfect Event"--'nuff said.
Top 10 regulations the PTC would lobby for if it was serious about pushing wrestling off of television:
10. "At no point during a contest between three individuals shall any two of said individuals be allowed to pin the third at the same time."
9. "At no point in a wrestling program may a performer mention the city or state from which the program eminates, nor may he/she mention the nearest successful sports franchise nor wear said sports franchises' liscened products."
8. "No sanctioned matches may include the phrases 'On a Pole', 'In a Cell', or 'Special Main Event' in their title."
7. "No performer may hold more than one title at one period of time. This rule punishable by deportation."
6. "No wrestler may participate in a match if the ring announcer has misidentified him, his hometown or his home state."
5. "No announcer may declare a particular program 'the greatest ever' unless it has been judged so by an independent panel of experts."
4. "All athletes must demonstrate their ability to perform five legitimate wrestling maneuvers, not including punches, kicks or framed elbows, before entering the arena."
3. "To better educate any impressionable children watching, each wrestler must recite a passage from 'Hamlet' for every time they use the word 'ass' in an interview."
2. "All cut-away shots to theme restaurants must be accompanied by a disclaimer reading: 'The food at this establishment has been determined by the surgeon general to (1) be overpriced, and (2) suck.'"
1. "All major titleholders must be named 'Viscera.'"
Snappy Closer--Top 5 reasons why this week's installment was not one of last week's "Reader's Choice" choices:
5. E-mail from physican said any column discussing psychology in Sabu matches might make Herb Kunze's head explode.
4. Best reader-suggested list idea: "Top 10 ways I can get CyanIndigo's phone number."
3. Only letter in support of feuding with the "Burning Hammer" guy came from the Burning Hammer guy.
2. Suggested topic "Top 10 uses for Trish Stratus on a deserted island" deemed "Too Hot for Slash."
1. Author too busy to research "Wrestling Millionaire" column after accepting Republican presidential nomination.
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