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/wrestling /guests /WD |
| Guest Columns | WD |
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THE LIST Top 10 potential "big surprises" for WCW New Blood Rising: 10. WCW Worldwide to feature "separate promotion" led by Silver King. 9. Crusierweight title match ends with a clean finish. 8. Roddy Piper returns, updates promo to 1987. 7. Jacques Rougeau confronts Lance Storm, demands "Canadian Heavyweight Title" be written on belt in both English and French. 6. Main event features active wrestler actually defeating active promoter. 5. Cat announces "no interference" rule for matches, "no excessive hyperbole" rule for announce team. 4. Vampiro embarks on new angle as DDP's "mysterious benefactor". 3. XPW wrestlers buy front-row seats, remain quiet and polite throughout show. 2. Celebrity crossover: Regis Philbin in cage match vs. fat gay guy from "Survivor". 1. Goldberg sells a...well, anything. Top 10 ways for the WWF to lose its ratings edge: 10. Extend opening interview segment to 45 minutes; feature Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko and newly re-signed Ahmed Johnson. 9. Drop pyrotechnic display in favor of real explosives. 8. Viscera vs. Rikishi in best-of-seven evening gown match series. 7. Only show bumpers of in-ring action, thus increasing on-screen time available for WWF New York. 6. Use Trish, Terri, Tori, Ivory, Stephanie and the Kat to promote new line of WWF ponchos, turtlenecks and sweatpants. 5. Force Mick Foley to cut his promos shirtless. 4. Eliminate segments 5-9 in favor of "Inside the XFL" news hour. 3. Bring in the "lost" McMahon family members--Spike McMahon, Big Dick McMahon, Sign Guy McMahon and Ed McMahon. 2. Update banned moves list to include spinebuster, samoan drop, people's elbow and "kissed" right hand. 1. Switch to three-man commentator table by adding The Ultimate Warrior. Top 20 wrestling phrases that sound dirty but really aren't: 20. Working stiff. 19. Papering the crowd. 18. Getting choked out from behind. 17. Doing the job. 15. Gimmicking the runway. 16. Tagging with General Rection. 15. Giving it up to the Steiner Recliner. 14. Laying down for The Worm. 13. Juicing after a hard stick shot. 12. Rising for the Canadian National Anthem. 11. Hooking on the Octopus. 10. Blowing the table spot. 9. Firing the promoter. 8. Connecting with the tope con hilo. 7. Hitting the jackhammer. 6. Being smacked by the soupbone. 5. Rolling the half-crab. 4. Accepting the Slammy. 3. Dropping the big leg. 2. Booking the Dusty Finish. 1. Locking up with Mr. Ass. Top 5 Wrestling schools you never hear about, plus details: 5. New Jack's School of Hard Knocks --Motto: "Practicing the craft of greco-roman balcony dives since 1996." --Signature workout: Cutting 18-year-olds with exacto knives--3 sets, 8 reps each. --Guest instructor/lecture: Jim "Sandman" Fullington, "How to blade off a self-delivered beer can shot." --Graduate when: Two or more limbs are fractured on same stunt. 4. Kevin Nash's "Big Daddy Cool" University --Motto: "Suplex? What's a suplex?" --Signature workout: Circut training--hair flip, framed elbow, goofy grin--1 set, 3 reps each. --Guest instructor/lecture: Mark "Undertaker" Calloway, "Never too late: Learning the Nash method in the declining years." --Graduate when: Can work a 17-minute match and leave feet three times or less. 3. Big Boss Man's Cobb County Corral --Motto: "We do less before 9 p.m. than most people do all day." --Signature workout: Endearing one's self to promoters to acheive inexplicable, long-term push, 10 sets, 25 reps each. --Guest instructor/lecture: Virgil, "Being the best lackey you can be." --Graduate when: Even other students begin to hit concession stands during your workout. 2. Edge and Christian's Awesomeness Academy --Motto: "We are SO teaching wrestling." --Signature workout: Rapid-fire Q & A, students matching cities with bad sports teams, corrupt politicans or hometown losers--4 sets, 8 cities each. --Guest instructor/lecture: CEO of Eastman/Kodak, "How five seconds can last a lifetime." --Graduate when: Presented with certificate of course completion, copy of Tiger Beat magazine, and a soda. 1. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's College of...It Doesn't Matter What It's a College of!" --Motto: "Knowing our roles, shutting our mouths, and riding the publicity wave since 1998." --Signature workout: Changing T-shirts in between on-camera appearances--5 sets, 10 T-shirts each. --Guest instructor/lecture: Steve Austin, "The REAL Triple-H's of success: Act like a *Heel*, be cheered like a *Hero*, and obey the WWFE *Hype Machine*." --Graduate when: Pause between first part of catchphrase and last part of catchphrase longer than typical training session. Top 5 great tag-team names just waiting to happen: 5. Kane/Elroy Jetson (WWF): "Crash and Burn" 4. Curt Henning/HHH (WWF, eventually): "The Perfect Game" 3. Hulk Hogan/Juventud Gurrera (WCW): "The Orange Juice" 2. Godfather/Dennis "Phinneas I. Godwinn" Knight (WWF): "Pimps Up, Hoe Down" 1. Bobby Eaton/Psychosis (ECW): "The Old Man and the 'Si'" Snappy Closer--Top 5 reasons to continue writing "The List" despite dreadful lack of E-mail feedback: 5. Still trying to impress Jodie Foster. Also trying to impress the 12 wrestling fans worldwide who get those kinds of references. 4. Hoping that plug in Eric S.'s "Friday News Update" will lead to paying gig at ScoopThis.com. 3. Wouldn't want Mr. T at OraclesWar.com to rely on others for "Quote of the Update" quotes that include 20% of the column being quoted. 2. Have listed "Wiseass Internet Columnist" under "Special Skills" on application for "Survivor II: The Australian Outback". 1. Producing the only humor material on the wrestling web that doesn't end with a La Parka referen...nevermind. E-mail encouraged, plugs appreciated, slash rules, no running in the halls, Elvis has left the building, etc., etc., etc. W.D. [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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