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/wrestling /guests /WD |
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/wrestling /guests /WD |
| Guest Columns | WD |
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THE LIST Top 10 signs the wrestling world is catering a little too much to the Internet fan base: 10. Even WWF programming now bashing WWF.com. 9. Hulk Hogan booked in "Octagon Match" against six rabid pit bulls (Note: Finish does *not* involve him pinning Ric Flair). 8. WCW replaces Saturday morning programming with hour-long "Ask the Rick" call-in. 7. "Double Feature" instant replay renamed "screen capture special". 6. ECW features Justin Credible vs. Tommy Dreamer in no-DQ "Loser Must Retire, Winner Must Retire" main event. 5. Eddie Gurrero chyron now reads "Latino Heat~!" 4. "Sycho Sid" repackaged with "Softball Sid" gimmick. 3. WWF Divas page features Trish, Kat and Georgie (with wrestler appearance listings!). 2. Steve Blackman now actually accompained to ring by Riggs and Murtaugh. 1. Russo fakes a stroke. Top 5 stipulations still available for DX-Dudleys matches, should the feud ever pick up again: 5. "Thumbtack-coated Ladder" match. 4. "Inferno vs. Fire Extinguisher" match. 3. 60-minute "Ironman Capture the Flag" challenge. 2. "Empty Arena" match, featuring WWF writers in charge of storyline development in attendance. 1. "Tori on a pole" match. Top 5 available cable outlets for ECW, including necessary format changes: 5. PAX networks: --New slogan: "This is extreme...for the whole family." --New champion: Mikey "The Acolyte" Whipwreck, taking direction from the "Not-So-Sinister Minister". --New feature: Mustapha reads and interprets a Bible passage for the young viewers. --Biggest surprise: Rob Van Dam defeated cleanly by Steve "Just Say No" Corino in "Loser loses his stash" match. 4. CNN Headine News: --New slogan: "This is extreme...sports is next, then business at the bottom of the hour." --New champion: Bernard Shaw. --New feature: Psychosis follows top-rope legdrop with spanish-language report of the day's top stories. --Biggest surprise: Show's 90-second format does not prevent Balls Mahoney from blading four times. 3. Animal Planet: --New slogan: "Think of us as shaved apes with chairs." --New champion: Rhino--duh. --New feature: Weekly "cat fight" now features Francine and 240-pound siberian tiger. --Biggest surprise: Angry Amish "Chickens" Roadkill not pushed. 2. The Spice Channel: --New slogan: "Guy-on-guy, but not, like, disgusting or anything." --New champion: Tajiri, a.k.a. "Mr. Stiff". --New feature: Gorgeous George's ongoing feud...with herself. --Biggest surprise: Ring breaks after locker room empties to "break-up" Jasmine St. Claire-Dawn Marie brawl. 1. Nickelodeon --New slogan: "Double Dare without the tough questions" --New champion: The Sandman, complete with blue cape, pointed hat and fairy dust. --New feature: Every non-finish results in Paul Heyman getting "slimed". --Biggest surprise: Joel Gertner's intros not censored. Top 10 signs that you need to stop watching wrestling...RIGHT NOW: 10. Girlfriend leaves you on a Monday night for another man; you figure it's just a swerve and she'll be back during the over-run. 9. "Sing Along With Three Count" MP3 on continuous loop at home and office workstations. 8. Spend Tuesdays analyzing Nitro frame-by-frame just to be sure it was, in fact, the real Sting. 7. Bought a lock of Meng's hair on Ebay. 6. Staging a hunger strike until Steven Regal regains TV title. 5. Writing doctoral thesis on molecular bonding strength of WCW table tops vs. ECW table tops. 4. Elected president of Duke "The Dumpster" Drose fan club for 10th straight year. 3. Your job hunt now second in importance to "Eric's Job Hunt". 2. Begin wasting lunch hour at work writing mind-numbingly pointless top 10 lis...aw, hell. 1. Dominant pipe dream features you "slipping the foreign object" to Luna Vachon. Top 5 telltale signs that the WCW-Hogan-Russo situation is a "shoot": 5. Ed Leslie mysteriously left out of U.S. Title tournament bracket. 4. Standard Russo pacing would've wrapped up entire angle by 9:05 p.m. the next Monday. 3. Hogan/Jarrett "match" did not involve patented legdrop, a staple in every Hogan match since 1831. 2. Original script called for three run-ins before boot-on-chest finish. 1. Could actually become interesting. Snappy Close: Top 5 answers to E-mails received last week: 5. Thanks, I'm glad you thought it was funny. Keep those letters coming. 4. Thanks, I'm glad you thought it was funny. Keep those letters coming. 3. Thanks, I'm glad you thought it was funny. Keep those letters coming. 2. No, I would never shamelessly plug another Web site, even if it had the fine writers and design of, say, http://www.oracleswar.com, just because I was mentioned on the main page (albeit very briefly). 1. No, YOU suck. E-mail encouraged, plugs appreciated, Slash rules, don't open the test packet until instructed to do so, tie goes to the runner, etc., etc., etc. W.D. freelance Mail the Author |
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