THE LIST
So I've got time to kill one afternoon and I'm thinking to myself, "Self, there just aren't enough wrestling columns on second-rate Web sites written by twentysomething cubicle-dwelling white guys lacking in social skills who nobody gives a damn about in the grand scheme of things. What this world needs is more writers with lame Letterman rip-off gimmicks who are desperate for attention and an outlet for their odd, cliched, unfunny sense of humor."
To wit:
Top 5 moves that are probably about as painful as they sound:
5. The "Rolling Crab"
4. The "Worm"
3. The "Tequila Sunrise" (insert your own "Worm" joke here.)
2. A "Franchiser"
1. Scott Steiner's "Recliner"
Top 10 ways to amuse yourself with a non-fan on Monday nights:
10. Insist that the head writer of "Nitro" also had a hand in "Shasta McNasty".
9. After each painful-looking Mike Awesome powerbomb, say "Not bad...for a transvestite."
8. Offer to demonstrate how the "Shattered Dreams" doesn't really hurt.
7. Explain how The Rock broke into the business under the name "Swoll" back in the early 90s.
6. Convince them to take a drink after somebody says "McMahon".
5. If watching Nitro, convince them to take a drink after a commentator says "sidewalk slam"
4. Every 15 minutes, shout "Snoochie-Boochies!" and act offended if they don't think you're the coolest person alive.
3. Claim that the Undertaker and Kane are really the same person; if they wrestle each other, blame "camera tricks."
2. Offer to stay and watch the Nitro replay, because all of the matches end differently.
1. Come up with a very inappropriate origin for "Slap Nuts."
Top 10 fun things to watch for as WCW moves into its newest "new era":
10. The new Worldwide commentary team of Big T, Clarence Mason and J.J. "Dy-no-mite!" Walker.
9. DDP returning to unveil his new catchphrase, "Who's better than Kanyon?"
8. Product-placement of Rogaine in locker-room scenes involving the Great Muta.
7. A Russo-booked, 32-participant U.S. Title tournament, with Tygress defeating Ralphus in the finals.
6. Thunder getting moved back to Thursdays without any notice--It's a SWERVE, people!
5. New WCW Logo = old WCW Logo + Filthy Animals run-in.
4. Tony Schavione explaining, with a straight face, why WCW executives decide to add a new, exciting "24/7 rule" to the hardcore title.
3. "Sting" unwrapping his bandages to reveal Kevin "Hollow Man" Bacon, just in time for the movie's premiere.
2. Jim Duggan's wife, in an emotional moment, begging her husband to retire, then hitting him in the side with a board--it's a SWERVE, people!
1. "Finally, Booker T has come back to the Quad Cities ExpoCenter!"
Top 20 wrestlers who were booked to look worse against Ric Flair than an out-of-shape, middle-aged creative director:
20. Wahoo McDaniel
19. Buddy Rodgers
18. Barry Windham
17. Kerry Von Erich
16. Roddy Piper
15. Greg Valentine
14. Ricky Steamboat
13. The Man They Call Vader
12. Terry Funk
11. Randy Savage
10. Bret Hart
9. Curt Hennig
8. Dusty Rhodes (even though he was doing most of the booking)
7. Kevin Nash (see #8)
6. Scott Hall (see #7)
5. Hulk Hogan (see #6)
4. Eric Bischoff (see #5)
3. Lex Luger
2. Sting
1. David Flair (despite being in the same ring with said creative director at the time)
Top 5 available gimmicks that would work TOO well:
5. Cletus & Clem Hatfield
--Federation: ECW.
--T-Shirt slogan: Nobody in ECW can afford T-Shirts.
--Character outline: Cyrus brings in a new tag team for the Network stable--two guys in overhauls and straw hats who he claims to be TNN's "core demographic"
--Catchphrase: "Who's on Rollerjam?"
--Signature move: Slop drop, as if there was any doubt.
--Portrayed by: Ron and Don Harris
4. Johnny Over
--Federation: WCW.
--T-Shirt slogan: "It's all Over"
--Character outline: To impress those in favor of "insider terminology," the New Blood introduces this new "Over" character. Ironic, of course, that he's just as over as everybody else in the New Blood.
--Catchphrase: "Whaddya all quiet for? I'm OVER, get it?"
--Signature move: Press slam from the ring to the floor--"Over and out."
--Portrayed by: Curt Henning or a rotating trio of Robert Hays, Kareem Abdul-Jabaar and Peter Graves.
3. Cyberman 2000
--Federation: Any.
--T-Shirt slogan: "Welcome to the future"
--Character outline: Wrestler dressed in shiny silver jumpsuit that used to pass for "futuristic" in 1982. Has Lauper-esque entrance music, Atari 5200-graphic-level entrance video and drinks Crystal Pepsi. Everybody realizes he's stuck in a time warp...except him.
--Catchphrase: (tie) "I want my MTV! (WWF use post-merger)" or "Where's the Beef?"
--Signature Move: None in particular, but liberal use of airplane spin, sleeper and stepover toehold.
--Portrayed by: Jerry Lynn (if Mr. JL costune is still available) or Al Snow.
2. William "Bill" Board
--Federation: WWF (Managed by Paul Bearer, naturally).
--T-Shirt slogan: "Your ad here"
--Character outline: Trunks will sport a different sponsor weekly, ranging from "WWF Aggression vol. 2" to "Dr. Scholl's Odor-Eaters".
--Catchphrase: "I got two words for you: For Rent!"
--Signature move: Depends on the week's product--Facebuster for OXY-10, Piledriver variation for "Tomb Raider III," frog splash for "Muppet Treasure Island."
--Portrayed by: Mike Modest
1. Marty the Mime
--Federation: Any.
--T-Shirt slogan: "It's Mime Time."
--Catchphrase: None. He's a mime.
--Character outline: Silence.
--Signature move: When the crowd starts to make noise to rally his opponent, Marty pulls a Kurt Angle--he rolls out of the ring, indignatly grabs a microphone and says...nothing. He's a mime.
--Portrayed by: Marty Jannetty, of course.
Snappy Closer: Top 5 statements you'll never see:
5. "Rumors have Kimberly Page signing a four- to six-picture deal with Paramount..."
4. "Thanks to all our loyal readers for helping Scoopthis celebrate it's sixth week of consistantly updating without a format change..."
3. "Click here for the all-new, one-page 'Daily Lariat," featuring..."
2. "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me. I was chatting with the 'WCW Live!' crew when..."
1. "I, Jim Hellwig, being of sound mind..."
E-mail encouraged, plugs appreciated, Slash rules, pencils down, seatbacks returned to original position, etc., etc.
W.D.
freelance
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