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Kelly-Marie: Super Vixen

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KelMarSuperVixen's Guide to Addiction and the Not Fun Recovery

Old Business:

The vote call for last week is still open, due to some... shall we say, "discussions" between the voters and moi. If you still wanna vote, scroll down, find that last article and do your duty.

I saw myself a bunch of times on Farm Aid highlights... the back of my head, my hat, and my elbows. Wahoo I'm famous! And just in case you too are a 50 year old overweight redneck woman who wears cut offs with gaping holes on either side of the zipper fly, WEAR UNDERWEAR DAMMIT. Not only were children present, but it didn't even match that blonde hair on your head.

Okay, on to the shank of this column!

Nitro's first hour was good. But even with Sting and Benoit, I had to bail at nine. As much as I love my cruiser weights and tech wrestlers, I am like a crackhead when it comes to Raw. If I don't get my fix of people who can't wrestle but can talk good trash, I actually turn into Linda Blair. I foam at the mouth, throw up pea soup on people, and I say things like "your mother sews socks that smell!"

I need to seek treatment. I need a program.

Hey that's it! KELMAR'S WRESTLING ADDICTION PROGRAMME (WAP)!

What I'm offering is a 12-step program devised to wean you from your nasty habit of being entertained by your wrestling. (And everyone knows you should never, EEEEEVER be entertained when you watch wrestling!)

Are you an addict? Take the KelMar test and see:

    1) Do you laugh every time The Rock says something even when you already know his schtick verbatim?

    2) Do you think those Mexican guys suck because they can't speak English?

    3) Do you like midget wrestling better?

    4) When was the last time you sat through an entire Malenko match without so much as a yawn?
If you answered yes to any of the first three questions and/or "never" to the last, you are sports entertainment addicted personality (SEAP). People with SEAP can function in normal everyday life without medication, but to live as a SEAP can be difficult for the victim and the victim's close family.

Ridicule and shame taint every corner of the victim's life. SEAP sufferers cannot control themselves in situations that are highly humourous, and inappropriate public behaviour may occur. Sadly, because of this disturbing trend, sufferers of SEAP are forbidden by law to attend, or even view via television, any Chris Rock performance without proper physical restraints.

But SEAP victims need not suffer any more. KelMar has got your back with a 12 Step Program guaranteed to make you less entertained and more serious about your wrestling.

Call 1-800-NOT-FUNY and get yourself on the road to recovery.

Find out how to:

  • Not laugh aloud whenever Mankind finds a new best friend!

  • Dismiss any wrestler who has a sweet finisher but is too amusing to be taken seriously!

  • Learn actual moves that have a degree of difficulty, such as: violencia slingshot tope con queso!

  • Stay awake for a Benoit interview!

    All the things you never though possible can be yours with WAP!

    Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step! Wrestling isn't to be enjoyed, it is to be dissected like a 10th grade biology frog! So get on that phone and call now!

    Counselors will be available 24 hours a day, seven days a week should you feel the need to be entertained. And if you are one of the first 50 callers, you can receive a limited edition video biography of that international bestseller, "Go Maximum Fast Thunder," written by the greatest hero in Japanese wrestling, Super Wonderful Jumbo!

    Don't delay, call today!

    <This has been a Public Service Announcement from People Against Wrestling Nowadays (PAWN)>

    Hee hee. Methinks I'm going to get my ass handed to me this week!

    Kelly-Marie
    [slash] wrestling

    Mail the Author - don't make her beg

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission