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Kelly-Marie: Super Vixen

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KelMarSupervixen's Guide To Cool Fans and Fed Switching

Before I get into anything resembling a column this week, I want to go through and demonstrate to one and all that the Big Two need to hire some Normal Folk to help with booking. Below are excerpts from typical mail I get from CRZ's fans. You guys are pretty fucking smart for a bunch of no-necks who dig wrestling!

So without further ado here is the shit you came up with.

"Here's a thought... Maybe you should put Randy Savage on your list of people to see naked, and you would find out why he gets the best damn looking women in wrestling...?"

Phillip Kemp

I would rather stick hot forks in my eyes than see that ugly bastard naked. I wold rather chew glass than force even the visual on myself. Randy Savage has got to be the stupidest man on the fucking planet if he thinks for one nanosecond that these chicks actually dig him for his sparkling repartee and charm, and not due to the fact he's on TV (far too often for a a man approximately the same age as Imhotep).

On the other hand, his brand of ugly hasn't changed in 15 years. He's consistently ugly, kinda like Neil Young. Old Neil doesn't look a year older than he did in CSNY. But fuck if he isn't the ugliest dood since hippies were first invented. He and The Mach should start a Club For Ugly Men Who Don't Age.

"I feel so sorry for Michael Cole, he never gets respect in his back stage interviews. It'd be great to see him one snap and freak out on either the ROCK, Road Dogg, X-Pac and whoever pushes him around during an interview. I think he could make a great heel announcer (a sniveling weasely type) heck, he's got a weasely goatee already!"

John Lai

John, quit giving cute little weasels a bad name. Everyone knows that Michael Cole's goatee looks more like if that kid who played Paul on the "Wonder Years" went a three day crack binge! If Cole is gonna go heel, he better start by freaking out on someone a little more wimpy. Like say... Too Much. Then if he gets good at it and looks like a convincing Postal Worker, we can book him against someone tougher, like Debra.

"To be totally honest, there is not a single wrestler out there that I want to see naked." But there are plenty of people I would love to see naked."

niles browning

I have two responses for this one folks:

1) Wrestlers are not people????

Or

2) What about married wrestlers, Niles?

" #1 (person to see naked) would have to be Shannon Doherty from 90210. I have told plenty of women that I think she is hot, and they all react like I am totally sick and twisted."

niles browning

All the other women are all jealous of her eyebrows. Personally I think she has the best skin on TV. Except for when Valerie Bertinelli was on "One Day At A Time."

I say we get Shannon to feud with Michael Cole. I bet she'd rip off his head and shit down his windpipe.

"Because let's face it, if you can't have fun with wrestling, what can you do with it?"

Arlys Watkinson

You could either call it WCW, or you could over analyze (anal-eyes???) it in the newsgroups.

"You oughta' do greedy wrasslers segments in your articles more regularly."

P.Buddha

I am getting on my soapbox as we speak, Chief. Either this week or after the fucking tennis is over. Depends on what Nitro is like with no WWF to watch at nine.

"I vote you take on Japanese wrestling fans."

Trev
www.stampedewrestling.com
(Free props, yo. Thank me later.)

No way man! They would either kick my ass or have some fucking ring blow me up. Those fuckers are more dangerous than ECW Philly fans during a "Sabu Kills Himself With A Pipe Cleaner" match. And they probably know how to really execute a spinning heel kick!

Okay, so there are a few responses from you peeps in the peanut gallery! Keep them coming. I like knowing that you are all as sick and twisted as I had hoped my fellow fans would be. And you're all pretty damn funny.

Maybe we should all write columns. Nah, then you bastards wouldn't read mine. Apparently some of the other columnists are, tho. Some are being really swell like Bill Gillion (read his stuff YO), and others are just jealous women.

BTW men, stay away from non-wrestling women at all costs. Remember when Bruce Campbell's girlfriend turned into a zombie in "Evil Dead?" Most women are like that. They WILL swallow your soul. Fortunately enough for you boys, women wrestling fans are 99% cool. The other 1% can be pure evil, but you'll spot them quickly enough when they order a salad for dinner.

This has been a public service announcement.

On with this piece of shit already!

TODAY'S COLUMN: SUPPOSED TO BE FED SWITCHING BUT THE TANGENTS GOT IN MY EYES.

Do you think Vince McMahon smokes crack? I ask that only because I can't see how can one guy be so right about a lot of what is good about wrestling, and come up with shit like HHH as the Champ?

Experts say that the first sign an employee is a crackhead is erratic behaviour. Well shit, this guy goes from inventing DX to creating the Corporate Ministry. If that isn't a sign of a depraved druggie, then I haven't watched "Reefer Madness" enough. And we all know how true that movie is!

I know everyone can't be "ON" all the time (except maybe "Steve the Aussie Crocodile Hunter" on the Discover Channel... He has to be "ON" constantly or some fucking croc is chew him up like a pork chop), but Vince can be so "OFF" at times that I think he surely must be a crack smoking CEO.

Just another reason I keep switching Feds... Crap storylines. But at least MOST of the storylines on WWF make some semblance of sense. Even if I watched every minute of every Nitro with Fellini and David Lynch sitting next to me providing analysis of the storylines, I would still have no fucking clue.

Which reminds me... Has DDP cleared up the actual final tally of Hummers used in this non-existent storyline? And how would DDP know, if he weren't involved in the whole mess? Is he a Hummer salesman? Well now, that came out just wrong. Sorry.

I'm actually hoping Gold Dust ends up as the driver. With his new set of breasts, he could come out claiming to be Sting's jilted girlfriend. They've been trying to kill Sting's heat for years, and this just might do it.

If Gold Dust does get breasts... and he flashes them on TV... will that have to be censored? On the one hand, they're boobs. On the other hand, they belong to a man. Hrm.

While I'm off on this tangent, someone tell me what the fuck this New, Revised, Hogan Angle, Version 8.9 is about? Please, if you really understand it, email me and spell it out. It has more plot twists than "Wild Things," only way less interesting cause Matt Dillon isn't taking his pants off in it.

You know I honestly am beginning to believe that Hogan has actually been stalking me for years. It seems that every time I switch from one fed to another, he's show up... I'm scared to death to watch ECW on TNN otherwise he'll show up with a seeing-eye dog and a barbed wire cane. What are the odds he finishes his "career" in the WWF? He has to, that way Hogan's plan to ruin my life will be complete: I'll be forced to quit watching WWF and start watching motard shit like Match Game PM on a regular basis.

But now that I think about it... Charles Nelson Reilly could really work the stick. And he could probably wrestle better than Hogan too. And I don't think he has he-hooters either. Hrmmm, I wonder what Match Game's rating are on the Game Show Network...

Have a fabbidocious Labour Day. And if you're "Across The Pond," I hope the Bank Holiday last Monday was a real asskicker.

Email me dammit and make yourself known! I promise to either write back, or set you up as an example to the others! Don't be such a girly-man. Or a manly-girl. You get the idea... See you next week.

K-M, Super Vixen
[slash] wrestling

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