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| Guest Columns | Kelly-Marie: Super Vixen |
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KelMarSupervixen's Guide To Chicks, Money... Oh yea, and Wrestling You'll have to excuse me this week. I'm still in the process of marking out over Jericho's entrance to WWF from two Mondays ago, and I may at any moment begin screaming WAHOO! and YEE FUCKING HAW! at the drop of a dime. Is that guy not the shizz-it? If nothing else, I want that spangley silver shirt he was wearing. Being a Jericho-holic and waiting for him had given me DT's. I would tune in to Monday night action, and start to shake all over and sweat, and sometimes I'd have hallucinations and actually see people wrestling on Raw. In my heart I knew Jericho would be back in one fed or another soon, but the wait was killing me. Like so many other wrestlers, I thought Chris would basically take the money and not run. I figured he'd sign for that $750,000, be wasted for another 3 years, and end up like Jimmy Hoffa: fucking buried under Giant's Stadium and never to be seen again. This got me to thinking about GREEDY WRESTLERS, and HOW THEY SUCK COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASS. WCW, as we all know, went on a buying spree and purchased the two crappiest wrestlers in all the land. Hall and Nash together couldn't wrestle their way out of a wet paper bag. But Turner thought he had really got himself something, Bischoff took all the credit for inventing the N.W.O., and Hogan went around telling people he is the only reason that people even watch wrestling. It was about that time I decided if everyone else in the world can get away with lying about who they were and what they did, I was going to tell everyone I was Airiyania, Queen of the Beer People. Maybe then I could get a job in Turner Land, and make ridiculous amounts of money for having absolutely no talent. Then I really could be Queen of the Beer People coz I'd be rich, and therefore be drinking a lot of beer. I digress, so sorry. Beer has that effect on me. Anyway, I think that is what a lot of people marked out about when Jericho basically schooled the Rock in 'How To Improvise On The Mic, Be Funny, and Not Repeat The Same Shit Over And Over Like A Broken Record.' Here was a kid who took an offer at almost 50% less than what the other company offered, because he wanted to be good, not rich. He invested in his future. So right off the bat that makes him like a jillion times smarter than Chris Benoit. Benoit admits he went back to WCW for money. And he'll never get as great as he should. I reckon it's only a matter of time before Bischoff takes a look at his body shape and makes Benoit " Thalidomide Boy, Jobber to the Stars' Grandchildren." Countless others, including Hogan and Nash have crossed the line for money and power. They took the money, and eventually the book, and fucked it all up so royally that story lines change faster than Courtney Love changes underwear. Even Dusty Rhodes had better sense than Nash when he had the book. But then again, maybe Dusty just ate the book. Who knows? I believe it's called the "big fish in a little pond theory." The fish would not be so damn big in the WWF, where the wrestlers haven't begun to shrink with age yet. If I were the Rock, I'd tell Hogan to take that book, turn it sideways, and stick it... Oh nevermind. Say, didja ever wonder what the Rock is going to have to say next about sticking things up asses? He's gonna have to take a trig class, because after 'straight up your roody poo candy ass,' and 'turn it sideways and stick it up your roody poo candy ass,' the Rock is going to need to learn the Pythagorean Theorem in order to come up with new 'up the ass' phrases. Maybe he could start a program for prison inmates, where they would have to give him ideas on how to stick things up people's asses in return for conjugal visits or something. They could call it the 'Asses for Passes' programme. Anyway, what are the chances that right now Bischoff is waiting to buy the other 'Greatest Wrestlers' of the WWF? I'm hoping he takes Mr Ass and the Road Dogg. I keep praying he swipes the Undertaker right out from under our noses too, but I don't think that 'Taker is old enough yet to be the main event every Monday. I hear Freddie Blassie is still in tip top form. WCW could use a man like him. I have a very short great uncle that is in really good shape. Maybe he could be the leader of the cruiserweight division. BACK TO GREEDY WRESTLERS NOW, I SWEAR! Of course the antithesis of all this madness is Sid Eudy. Sid would rather play softball than shag, I bet. Sid could have been famous you know, but now he is just the King of the Squirrels. Or something. Sid is as dumb as a box of rocks, so I'm sure he thinks that being King of the Squirrels is a good thing. They obviously don't make them take and IQ test or a mic test for that matter, before they start work in WCW. Greedy Rena is a piece of work... She got not one fucking nickel from her lawsuit, but tells Stern she is really happy about it's outcome. HAHAHAHA! I bet if they'd have given her a coupon for a chicken dinner at KFC, she'd have never left! Talk about your greedy bitches, RENA MERO, THE 1999 GREEDY BITCH AWARD WINNER! She looked a judge dead in the eye and said 'one hundred million is only a fraction of the total profits of the WWF last year.' NO SHIT RENA! $100 million is exactly 1/7th of the total profits of the WWF last year. THAT IS ONE BIG ASS FRACTION! If I took 1/7th of your pizza you'd be PISSED. You'd want to kick my ass! At least maybe someone learned a lesson out of the whole 'RENA MERO IS A DUMBASS GREEDY BITCH' episode. If Rena's crushing defeat stops one no-talent egotistical screaming banshee with hair extensions from EVER having the sheer audacity to demand more than she deserves for being useless, then this whole affair was time well-spent. Whoo Whee! You know, every week I think I'm over that GREEDY BITCH RENA crap, but something gets me wound up again, and I have to get it right the hell off my chest again. I promise that by the end of this The Year Of Our Lord, I will cease and desist this madness. Unless, or course, she actually gets a movie deal. Or something. Well, I was actually gonna do a column on ego and how stupid it makes people, but I got a wee bit sidetracked. I'll take a stab at ego the next time I get a wild hair, that way I can include a whole bunch of other dumb bastards who think they are King Shit Of Turd Island. Until next time, just remember kiddies: Greed kills... careers. Now for the musical portion of our show. I got this great idea for a song parody so I wanted to throw it in this week. And if you like song parodies, I'll try a few more in future: ODE TO WCW SUNG TO THE TUNE OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful fed. That started when a man called Vin got heat from a guy named Ted The Ted was a mighty rich tycoon, Bischoff dumb as rocks. They began to recruit big names for a three hour show. A three hour show. Then Vincent started getting tough, and Nitro they did choke. Because of the ego of the fearful Hulk, the ratings would be lost. (sound of thunder, like Thursday Thunder actually) Then Ted decides another show will surely do the trick, with Kevin Nash... and Hogan too... the Cruiserweights and the girls... the jobber dudes, Horace and Vincent too, here on WCW! Now this is the tale of a suck ass show, it goes on for a long long time. They'll have to make the best of things since Hogan changed his tights. Bischoff and his booking cru will do their very best, to make the midcard look real bad in their place at number two. No belts, no pyro, no new t-shirts, not a single luxury! Like Shiavone's dressing room, it's primitive as can be. So join them there each week you dorks, you're sure to get tres bored. >From the biggest egos... Here in W...C...W! Al Yankovic eat your heart out, you tosser. Hee hee. Now if you want to see me tackle a subject that just burns your ass, you email me and tell me dammit. Until next week, peace and chickengrease! K-M, Super Vixen [slash] wrestling Mail the Author I think you killed your chance to work for WrestleLine... ;-) - CRZ |
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