You are here /wrestling
/guests
/Kelly-Marie
Guest Columns

Kelly-Marie: Super Vixen

Main

BLAH

KelMarSupervixen's Guide To Chicks and Profanity... Oh Yea, and Wrestling


Tip O The Day Ladies, watch 'The Man Show' on Comedy Central. It's hilarious unless you are one of those girls that likes movies with titles like 'How to Make an American Quilt.' And if you're one of those kinds of girls then you need to stop reading this column RIGHT NOW.

Thank you.

Oh get on with it would you?! Sheesh.

Last week someone asked me if so much is wrong with wrestling then why do I claim to be a fan? They went on to ask if there was anything about wrestling I liked.

As a matter of fact there are a few things I quite like in wrestling today.

I like the fact that Vince McMahon week in and week out makes Bischoff look like his bitch by out heeling and out booking Eric.

I like that Chyna is getting a shot. That woman could snap most of us like a fucking twig. I hope she gets more than the nutshot though. I bet she's felt more nads in her day than any judge at the Westminister Dog Show.

Which reminds me of something that bugs me greatly. Why do the Westminters judges have to feel the dogs balls anyway? Is there some award for the biggest balls in each category of dog? If you know that answer, email me. Seriously.

Sorry for the digression, but these things bother me. Maybe even more so than the fact that those fucking dogs interrupt my Raw is War once a year.

I like Bob Holly. He's pulling this cool Jericho deal back when Jericho was allowed to wrestle and be good on TV. That was in the olden times when Bischoff's master plan didn't involve alienating his up and coming talent by jobbing them on a regular basis. Some of you might remember those days. Anyway, Holly is all of the sudden really funny in a way that makes me almost wish he'd start the program out every Monday instead of Austin, any McMahon, or 'Taker. Just for a month or so, then Jericho can do all the talking. He proved that on Raw last night.

I like the profanity in wrestling, goddammit. I love swearing. I think swearing makes everything funnier. Richard Pryor would have sucked if he couldn't swear his ass off. Stone Cold would sound like a weenie (see how little effect 'weenie' had on you? If I had said 'dick,' it would have come off really cool) if he couldn't call people all kinds of whack shit. And The Rock never really got over until he started saying things like candy ass on a daily basis.

HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

What you the gentle reader doesn't understand is that I just start typing in hopes a coherent column comes out. Then I spell check and send it in. It is basically a one hour deal. Well as you could probably tell, I was grasping until right now, but here it is folks:

The CONCEPT OF THIS COLUMN! Are you ready for it?!

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH PROFANITY AND NUDITY IN WRESTLING DAMMIT!

Swearing is a much maligned art form that needs to makes it's comeback goddammit. As I was saying when my concept of this column hit me, think about when Eric Bischoff thought 'bite me' was really harsh and would shock people. It didn't. And you know why? Because D-X was on the other channel telling people to suck their dicks and peeing in Jeff Jarrett's boots and stuff. (I happen to think the peeing was way funnier than the whole crotch chop shit, they could have gone around for two or three more weeks peeing on stuff, but hey I'm not a writer for WWF.) Anyway, Eric looked like a weenie (that is actually a fun word to say, you should try it sometime!) for weeks before he figured out the only thing he do that would be more graphic than what Vince was doing on the other channel would be to have a live bris in the ring or something. So he gave that biting gig to Steiner who now has Bite Me on his ass and looks like prime prison bitch material. If Steiner gets locked up for running over toll booth people's feet or whatever, we may find out. I bet he'd be worth a whole carton of cigarettes in the pokey.

Sorry folks. I'll try to limit my forced visuals for the rest of the column.

Okay, so back to swearing!

Here's another example of the necessity of profanity. The Orange Dookie (see, isn't that weak? Shitbag would have been better!) comes to the ring and tells Mean WhooByGod Gene that he's gonna kick Nash's BUTT! Golly gee! Nash is quaking in his boots I'm sure.

Now if the Orange Shitbag came out and said he's gonna tear Nash a new asshole, he might have something there.

Sadly, the only person who is a qualified profanity instructor in the WCW, isn't even allowed to hold a mic anymore. Rodman gets bleeped and it's not like you can't read his lips, even if he does have a big ass pimp hat on the size of a West Virginian satellite dish. And it's the only thing he can do. I don't understand the logic. Let Rodman wrestle even if he can't. And don't let him be all nasty and shit on the mic because he can. That's WCW for you.

I would be willing to teach a class to WCW in Profanity 101. I am a qualified Obscenity Master, Black Belt Fifth Dan. Maybe then Sting wouldn't have to say things like 'I got two words for ya' by accident.

Profanity speaks volumes that other words cannot. Besides, isn't there something in EB White's 'Elements of Style," that states every point should be made in the fewest words possible? Profanity can help you achieve your grammatical correctness. So put that in your pipe and smoke it Miss Manners.

Notice how 'stick it up your ass Miss Manners' is more succinct?

Anyway, a large part of why the WWF is doing so well is due to obscenities said, implied, or mouthed so poorly that even a blind lip reader knows Stone Cold is saying the Eff word. It adds realism to the show. Well frankly, anything would add realism to the WWF. They could come out next week and say that The Big Show sprouted wings and turned into cupid, and it would be more realistic than calling the Bossman a Hardcore Champ. But anyways, the profanity always makes feuds funnier, run-in's more plausible, and clip fests easier to swallow.

So where do I see the future of wrestling going. In the near future I see topless chicks and even more trash talk. Do I think it's bad? Not necessarily. As you may or may not know, Europe has had nekkid people on TV since forever. Is European TV evil? No, not unless you count the translations of Charlie's Angels that French TV did. That was just plain diabolical.

I think it's time the US got off its puritanical ass and let everything take its course. Just because there will happen to be naked people on TV doesn't mean that the wrestling will suck. Just because they will talk even more shit doesn't mean the wrestling will suck. What is does mean is that guys will get an eyeful in between bouts and chicks may get to look at some wrestler's ass other than Billy Gunn's.

And the lord knows that would be a godsend.

What you men may not know is that looking at the same ass every Monday gets to be downright dull after awhile, especially if the ass in question isn't even the best ass in the Fed. But I guess we women shouldn't complain. At least it's an ass, anyway.

Billy Gunn shows more naughty bits than Debra does. Debra's bras are so big, you could catch cantalopes in the cups. And with the padding she's got in there, I'm guessing you could withstand armour plated bullets if you ever got shot in the hooters.

BTW does anyone else remember that time Hacksaw Duggan's tights came down and he mooned on Nitro? That is my favourite all-time Hacksaw moment, the look on his face was priceless.

Sorry, I had to throw that in, cause after all these years, I still mark out for Hacksaw's USA chants.

So there's a column I can live with. I won't edit out the junk at the top, I like keeping this a one time run through where I don't censor myself. But I think at least this column had a point, which is more than I can say for the whole return of the Orange Shitbag did.

If you have an idea for a column you would like to see, or an element of pro-wrestling you want me to rip apart, email me and let me know. I want this to be interactive, not just me talking shit all the time. Unless you like violent rants by chicks who watch Russ Meyer movies... Thanks!

Howz that Chief?

K-M, Super Vixen
[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author

I think you killed your chance to work for WrestleLine... ;-) - CRZ

BLAH

Main

Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission