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/wrestling /guests /Kelly-Marie |
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/wrestling /guests /Kelly-Marie |
| Guest Columns | Kelly-Marie: Super Vixen |
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KelMarSupervixen's Guide To Chick Fans and Wrestling Hello, and welcome to my corner of the cave. I should start with a bit of history so you get an idea of what I intend to do here. Let me start by saying that everything I say is complete crock of shit, and NEVER, under ANY circumstances, take one thing I say to heart. I am here to hopefully get a laugh out of you. Either that or piss you totally off. I will tell you what I think is true. However I have found that in life that whatever you think to be true is often nothing but total bullshit. Kinda like Sunny saying she was in medical school, but as her breast auction on eBay proved, if you think princess is spelled princes, my guess is you don't know your sphincter from your larynx. I'm a chick. I like beer, wrestling, cheesy horror films, hotwings, and lounge music. I wish PeeWee Herman would do an episode of Southpark. I wish I was in the Ratpack but since most of them are dead, I guess it is out of the question. I wish I could get that damn rubber band out of the Operation Game without the fucking buzzer going off at me. And just because I am a chick, doesn't mean I am gonna rant and rave about the state of wrestling today with relation to the portrayal of women. I don't mind a little P&A (puppies and ass) every Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday... I'm not here to preach to the masses because I am not one of the converted. Quit your bitchin and get in the kitchen is my motto to feminism. (That ought to get me some letters!) So now that you know me, let's get on with Free Association. I'm gonna throw out a name to myself and see what pops out first. Val Venis~ God help me does this man suck the corn out of Rick Rude's (Bless His Soul) ass. If any man out there thinks that any woman in her right mind is actually hot for some grease ball who equates his weiner to a Hebrew National, that guy has severe delusional problems himself. The only kind of woman interested in Val Venis is the woman who go to a Sports Entertainment (McMahonism Numbah 1) event with her boyfriend just for the quality beer served in fine wax cups before returning home to a night of tepid sex in the single wide. Nuff said. Rena "I'm really an actress, really!" Mero: Lord I could take the obvious road on this one, but let's face a few facts here. While she may be the biggest bitch to come down the pike since Sammy Hagar demanded that all red M and M's be banished from the dressing room, she did way more for the WWF than old Sammy did for Van Halen. Think about it. People really dug her. It didn't matter that she had a voice like a banshee on the Yin Yang Blotter acid. It didn't matter that she can't act her way out of a wet paper bag. SHE IS A HOTTIE. But only good for 3 minutes at a time, otherwise your dog's ears may bleed. Two hours of Rena Mero speaking in a movie is more torture than Dr. Mengle's School of Dentistry Root Canal 101 Class would be on Steven Spielberg. And she gets to keep the two things that made her famous. I think Vince ought to ask for the tits back. He could sell them on eBay. I may do that if I ever feel a divorce coming on... Talk the hubby into buying me a new rack then leave. Then I'll sue him for half of everything else in divorce court. Hogan and Flair: God help me, one of these guys is gonna break a hip any damn day. Their combined age makes them legal for the social security benefits of half of Boca Vista Retirement Home in Pensacola Florida. Let me say right here for the record, that FLAIR WAS A GOD. There will never be another Flair. But just when you think it is safe to put down your remote, David Flair's Wrestling Stylings get him a belt and a couple of wins over Benoit! Huzzah! Hogan on the other hand, has always been as useless at tits on a bull. Back in the old days if someone asked me who's your favourite wrestler? I would invariably answer whoever kicked Hulk's ass last! And I would continue to say that today, except when he DOES get in the ring, I cannot consider what he does as wrestling, any more than I can consider Demi Moore movies art. Put some damn clothes on, the both of you (meaning Hogan and Flair, but while we're at it, I'm real sick of Demi's fun bags too but at least hers are still above her navel.)... Get a stable and manage. Hogan- you are the Hoover Wind Tunnel of ratings points, and you're going to run out of people to blame the quarter hours on and run out of people to align yourself with. You need to understand that HATE and HEAT may have the same letters, but the don't mean the same thing. People just hate you Hogan. And sheer unadulterated hate isn't getting you any heat. Now get out and take that spangled robewearing geezer with you! The Nitro Girls: They have more natural dance talent then Elizabeth Berkley did in Showgirls. Oh wait, that really doesn't say a whole lot does it? Let's say I think they should get Bischoff to spring for a new set of hooters for each of them before their egos get the best of their good sense and they up and quit without anything to show for it. They can always blatantly lie and say they have budding acting careers like someone else we know. Or they can pull a Tracey Lords and find God. That's always a good way to cover the fact your career is in the shitter. Declare yourself born again and you don't care about money anymore. I wish someone would show this trick to ICP. They flip feds faster than Sunny sells panties on eBay. AND WHO THE FUCK IS MASTA P? OR CHAD BROCK FOR THAT MATTER?! It's bad enough they gave Dennis (Mumbles) Rodman the stick on Monday night for dueling microphones with Randy (Mr Phlegmmy) Savage. Now they have the Grand Old Opry coming to town. I don't need some never was country singer yodeling at me. I mean they ALREADY have Curt Hennig singing shit about rap the crap or something. I bet Curt Hennig yodeling could curdle your Swiss Miss. The Undertaker: The Undertaker has gotten to be such a shitty wrestler I think it is quite possible that he moves slower than Kevin Nash at the moment. I think it is due to all the weight in his ass and stomach. The Taker is no longer aerodynamic. He is built like one of those funhouse mirror shapes and his ass looks like two babies fighting under a big black blanket when he stomps around. The Taker walking to the ring and wrestling is rather like Elvis walking on stage for that last Elvis in Hawaii show where The Kang was all constipated and could hardly move, much less bend over or anything. That is the Taker of today. Maybe he should ditch Paul Bearer and his bad eating habits for someone like Richard Simmons. Something tells me Richard would love the WWF. The Taker's gotten so bad of late that Kane is looking like the fastest thing with feet since that time when Wiley Coyote got the Acme nuclear roller skates in the mail. Kane has a vibrator he uses to speak with. Maybe if Rena got Kane's speech device rather than the second set of hooters as a perk from Vinne Mac, she would still be with the WWF. Of course there would have been less for Marc to do in that case, but it is not like he had that much work in the first place. You could not generate enough heat to melt Velveeta with what Mero got in the ring. I guess the point of this column is to point out just what ego can get you. Ego combined with money is about as evil as that episode of Saved By The Bell when they went to Hawaii and didn't drown Screech before the flight back. Ego is bad, mmmkay? Ego makes you think you look like a million bucks when in fact your physique would be better suited for the revival of the California Raisins commercials. Ego makes you think that you can be a big movie star when you cannot act and don't have enough charisma to fill a shot glass at the Long Branch Saloon. Just remember kids, never let your head get swollen and think you carry the show.. Okay! I want an interactive type of thang here, so what I want from you is your ideas for what I should write about from week to week, so email me your ideas. I promise to use them from time to time if not all the time. Oh and remember, if you email me some really stupid shit where you are yelling at me for knocking your fave wrestler you better make damn sure you have spell checked that shit. I guarantee you won't like being made an example of to the rest of the class. Kelly-Marie Super Vixen Mail the Author |
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