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Dealing with his demon (and I don't mean Dale Torberg folks).
 
A face only his supplier could love
Picture credits go to WCW.com, and to Mark for taking the time to look so damn cute while posing.

    Mark Madden is one of those people who just needs some lovin'.  He is made fun of for his weight, annoying commentary, cheap tactics to get himself over, and many other acts which seem to piss off anyone with a keyboard and Internet access.  A lot of it he has brought on by himself, partially because it is his job to be hated.  What many don't understand is there's a reason he has always appeared to be so awkward on camera, sound inane even at his best, and just seem to have such an awful demeanor about everything.  It is something that very few know about Mark Madden, and no one has publicly stated before out of fear that he would be tormented even further.  It must be revealed now though, because ignoring it will not help anyone, especially not Mark.  He must belly up the to bar (A monumental task him, as it would be for anyone with his disposition), and come face-to-face with his own demon that has haunted him since he was a young man.
 
    Mark Madden is a drug addict.
 
    You may be asking yourself how I would know such a thing, or even make such an accusation.  I will go into a little more detail about his problems as best as I can without this turning into a novel.  If I feel the need to, I will reveal the source at the end, in hopes that reading the words of what an old friend had to say will help aid Mark in this time of need.  Let me try to start from the beginning with Mark, and explain how he was before, and his condition now.
 

 
    Once upon a time, Mark was a young man.  Around the age of 17, he had hit a very huge rough spot in his life.  He wasn't at the point of obesity he is now, but he was still a big guy.  He was taunted by fellow classmates and rejected by almost anybody that wore a bra and lipstick, even Chloe the class transvestite and Chastity the resident whore at the time.  Most guys wouldn't hang around him or even acknowledge his presence, simply because he was such a loser in their cold, collective eyes.  He was simply a wall in their walkway.  A moving, breathing, bleeding, animated wall that could communicate with other moving, breathing, bleeding, animated objects, but a wall to them nonetheless.
 
    The few friends he had were social outcasts themselves; either too unattractive, too poor, or too uncool for the "in" crowd.  The few girlfriends he did have didn't last, not even with the ones that were in his species.  Aside from his 6-month affair with Pamela Plastique, no relationship seemed to last any amount of notable time.  Mark unfortunately tried too hard with Pamela and things just blew up.  Oh, Mark tried as best he could to salvage his relationship with Pamela, he even went so far as to buy her a repair kit to help patch things up.  She would have none of it though, so Pam (quite literally) went the way of the wind.  It was at this precious moment of loss that setup for the great temptation that was coming for poor Mark.
 
    Soon after his loss, Mark just climbed into his Chevy Vega one night and went driving around Pittsburgh.  He tried to outdrive the rage that was filling him from all the torment of his life, and his unsalvageable relationship with his number one squeeze (Ironically, it was too much squeezing that let to the relationship splitting at the seams in the first place) just fueled the fire.  Unfortunately, he tried to outrun the law along with the rage, and both caught up with him.  Madden was arrested that night.  Not for speeding actually (how fast can you go in a Vega anyway?), but for indecent exposure.  Apparently, Mark forgot to get dressed after the untimely split of his girlfriend.  He was escorted to jail, naked and alone.  At least he though he was alone, and boy was he wrong!  He was still naked of course, just not alone.
 
    Mark got put into a cell with a man that went by the name of Raymond "Sugar Daddy" Thompson III, a dealer in the Pittsburgh area.  Mark looked like a down-on-his-luck kid to Sugar Daddy, as would any fat, naked 17 yr. old who has been arrested while driving a Chevy Vega.  Mark was at first terrified of his situation, and was unwilling to even acknowledge Sugar Daddy's presence.  Unfortunately, his guilt got the better of him, and he remembered all of those people ignoring him simply because he was different.  Mark thought that surely a guy that was at least taking the time to talk to him couldn't be THAT bad could he?  Unless Sugar Daddy was looking for sexual favors, but even at this point Mark didn't see that as such a bad thing. 
 
    Sugar Daddy reassured him that sex wasn't needed, much to the chagrin of Mark Madden.  Sugar Daddy just had something for Mark to try.  He asked Mark if he ever tried "Pixie Stix" before.  Mark said no, that he heard that stuff like that only makes you a loser.  Of course when Sugar Daddy asked how Mark felt now, not even Mark's sheer ability to use the wit and retort that everyone knows him for could save him.  Mark finally said to Hell with it and tried his first snort.  Within a minute, Mark's parents had come to get him.  If he would have just held out a minute longer, he could have gotten out with his dignity intact.  At least as much dignity as a fat, naked 17 yr. old who has been arrested while driving a Chevy Vega COULD have.  He just showed a moment of weakness one minute too early, and there the seeds for his habit were planted.
 
    Mark lost all contact with his friends.  He became a loner, and eventually went on to harder stuff.  Before he lost total contact with anybody that he once knew, it was rumored that he had begun to use pop rocks.  Within this year, Mark was finally seen for the first time in years.  No one was sure how he turned out, but his appearances on TV made it painfully obvious.  His mouth being wide open all the time, his incoherent ramblings and spouting off failed catchphrases, actually believing Tony Schiavone when he said each Nitro was the greatest in the History of their sport, and his oogling of anything resembling a female regardless of how vapid their appearance was all pointed to the brain damage suffered from when he started up.  The biggest sign, however, was his belief that WCW was new every time Russo said it was.  Clearly, a child of three or even an Internet smart could see that something was wrong.
 
    The final blow (and the inspiration to break the silence) came earlier this month.  Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone, and WCW itself were doing a cross-promotional event with the WWF.  You can check out a transcript of the match hereDuring the opening of the show, Mark was already on the hunt to satisfy his habit.  When the cameras were away, Mark got up to stop a supplier as he was walking by.  Unfortunately for him, all he was able to get was what he started out on, Pixie Stix.  After he got his stash, he quickly went back to the announcing position and proceeded to get his fix.  There was one problem with his plan though, and that was the fact he was in plain view of the cameras.  As the announce team came into focus of Mark, one of the Pixie Stix was clearly up his nose.  Mark was caught on live television doing his deadly habit.  Jerry Lawler, in a very tasteless act, even made fun of Mark Madden's disposition by saying "Alright, can we move on before Madden gets a mirror and starts chopping Pop Rocks?" on live TV.  Madden, of course, tried his best to defend himself with the razor wit he conjured up to reply to Lawler with "Hey!", but it was to no avail.  Mark, dear Mark, had been caught in the act.  Thankfully, this was on Australian TV.  If it had been America, most of the Internet "reporters" would have been all over this already, tearing him to shreds even more.
 

 
    And so, it has all gone downhill.  Sure, Mark now has multiple jobs and is making a decent living, but he is obviously aching all the time.  Just looking into his eyes, you can see the pain.  Of course you have to hit the mute button on the TV so his asinine commentary doesn't drive you nuts, but the pain seen is quite obvious.  I've been silent long enough with having to watch Mark suffer alone.  All the abuse of the Pop Rocks and Pixie Stix and even now I hear he's getting to the point of freebasing Tang; it has all taken it's toll on Mark.  I'm not going to let you stand alone and destroy yourself anymore Mark.  It may have ended badly the first time around, but this time I'm not leaving you.
 
    Honey, it's me, Pamela Plastique.
 
    I was wrong for leaving you the way I did.  I'm sorry I left our little blowup (or more literally, MY blowup) come between us.  I was just so mad that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, and it's haunted me ever since.  I was full of hot air back then, and I got a little lightheaded.  You did your best to treat me delicately, and all I did was overreact and come apart on you.  I'm BEGGING you dear, let me help you!  I have seen and heard you go through too much in the past, and thanks to WCW and the Internet, now I have found you.  I want to do the right thing and help fix you like you tried to fix me.  We were young back then and I was an airhead.  Please Mark, I can't bare to see you this way, it's all too horrific to witness.
 
    I still have the repair kit you gave me, and the glue is still unopened.  Please honey, let's try to patch things up.
 

 
Twitmare
Okay, all the stuff above wasn't real.  Except for Pamela, who's decide I'm better than Madden any day, so now she's my main squeeze instead.  Okay, I'll stop.  Besides, if this gets any more inane, you might think I was Internet Wrestling Columnist.
 
Special thanks goes to Ken Matthews, Sam Van Dam, and the 7th Level.  I also would like thank, myself.  After all, I couldn't do it without me.  Good grief, I hope I'm the only one that saw any perversion in that last line.
 
If you feel the urge to flame me, then send it to twitmare@yahoo.com.(makes sense doesn't it?)

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