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Dealing with his demon (and I don't mean Dale Torberg folks).
Picture credits go to
WCW.com, and to Mark for taking the time to look so damn cute while
posing.
Mark Madden is one
of those people who just needs some lovin'. He is made fun of for his
weight, annoying commentary, cheap tactics to get himself over, and
many other acts which seem to piss off anyone with a keyboard and Internet
access. A lot of it he has brought on by himself, partially because it is
his job to be hated. What many don't understand is there's a reason he has
always appeared to be so awkward on camera, sound inane even at his best, and
just seem to have such an awful demeanor about everything. It is something
that very few know about Mark Madden, and no one has publicly stated before
out of fear that he would be tormented even further. It must be
revealed now though, because ignoring it will not help anyone, especially not
Mark. He must belly up the to bar (A monumental
task him, as it would be for anyone with his disposition), and come face-to-face
with his own demon that has haunted him since he was a young man.
Mark Madden is a drug
addict.
You may be asking
yourself how I would know such a thing, or even make such an accusation. I
will go into a little more detail about his problems as best as I can
without this turning into a novel. If I feel the need to, I will reveal
the source at the end, in hopes that reading the words of what an old friend had
to say will help aid Mark in this time of need. Let me try to start from
the beginning with Mark, and explain how he was before, and his condition
now.
Once upon a time, Mark
was a young man. Around the age of 17, he had hit a very huge rough spot
in his life. He wasn't at the point of obesity he is now, but he was still
a big guy. He was taunted by fellow classmates and rejected by almost
anybody that wore a bra and lipstick, even Chloe the class transvestite and
Chastity the resident whore at the time. Most guys wouldn't hang around
him or even acknowledge his presence, simply because he was such a loser in
their cold, collective eyes. He was simply a wall in their walkway.
A moving, breathing, bleeding, animated wall that could communicate with other
moving, breathing, bleeding, animated objects, but a wall to them
nonetheless.
The few friends he had
were social outcasts themselves; either too unattractive, too poor, or too
uncool for the "in" crowd. The few girlfriends he did have didn't last,
not even with the ones that were in his species. Aside from his
6-month affair with Pamela Plastique, no relationship seemed to last any
amount of notable time. Mark unfortunately tried too hard with Pamela and
things just blew up. Oh, Mark tried as best he could to salvage his
relationship with Pamela, he even went so far as to buy her a repair kit to
help patch things up. She would have none of it though, so Pam (quite
literally) went the way of the wind. It was at this precious moment of
loss that setup for the great temptation that was coming for poor
Mark.
Soon after his loss, Mark
just climbed into his Chevy Vega one night and went driving around
Pittsburgh. He tried to outdrive the rage that was filling him from all
the torment of his life, and his unsalvageable relationship with his number one
squeeze (Ironically, it was too much squeezing that let to the relationship
splitting at the seams in the first place) just fueled the fire.
Unfortunately, he tried to outrun the law along with the rage, and both caught
up with him. Madden was arrested that night. Not for
speeding actually (how fast can you go in a Vega anyway?), but for indecent
exposure. Apparently, Mark forgot to get dressed after the untimely split
of his girlfriend. He was escorted to jail, naked and alone.
At least he though he was alone, and boy was he wrong! He was still
naked of course, just not alone.
Mark got put into a cell
with a man that went by the name of Raymond "Sugar Daddy" Thompson III, a dealer
in the Pittsburgh area. Mark looked like a down-on-his-luck kid to Sugar
Daddy, as would any fat, naked 17 yr. old who has been arrested while driving a
Chevy Vega. Mark was at first terrified of his situation, and was
unwilling to even acknowledge Sugar Daddy's presence. Unfortunately,
his guilt got the better of him, and he remembered all of those people ignoring
him simply because he was different. Mark thought that surely a guy that
was at least taking the time to talk to him couldn't be THAT bad could he?
Unless Sugar Daddy was looking for sexual favors, but even at this point Mark
didn't see that as such a bad thing.
Sugar Daddy reassured him
that sex wasn't needed, much to the chagrin of Mark Madden. Sugar Daddy
just had something for Mark to try. He asked Mark if he ever tried "Pixie
Stix" before. Mark said no, that he heard that stuff like that only makes
you a loser. Of course when Sugar Daddy asked how Mark felt now, not even
Mark's sheer ability to use the wit and retort that everyone knows him for could
save him. Mark finally said to Hell with it and tried his first
snort. Within a minute, Mark's parents had come to get him. If he
would have just held out a minute longer, he could have gotten out with his
dignity intact. At least as much dignity as a fat, naked 17 yr. old who
has been arrested while driving a Chevy Vega COULD have. He just showed a
moment of weakness one minute too early, and there the seeds for his habit were
planted.
Mark lost all contact
with his friends. He became a loner, and eventually went on to harder
stuff. Before he lost total contact with anybody that he once knew, it was
rumored that he had begun to use pop rocks. Within this year, Mark was
finally seen for the first time in years. No one was sure how he turned
out, but his appearances on TV made it painfully obvious. His mouth being
wide open all the time, his incoherent ramblings and spouting off failed
catchphrases, actually believing Tony Schiavone when he said each Nitro was the
greatest in the History of their sport, and his oogling of anything resembling a
female regardless of how vapid their appearance was all pointed to the brain
damage suffered from when he started up. The biggest sign, however, was
his belief that WCW was new every time Russo said it was. Clearly, a child
of three or even an Internet smart could see that something was
wrong.
The final blow (and
the inspiration to break the silence) came earlier this month. Mark
Madden, Tony Schiavone, and WCW itself were doing a cross-promotional event with
the WWF. You can check out a transcript of the
match here. During the
opening of the show, Mark was already on the hunt to satisfy his habit.
When the cameras were away, Mark got up to stop a supplier as he was walking
by. Unfortunately for him, all he was able to get was what he started out
on, Pixie Stix. After he got his stash, he quickly went back to the
announcing position and proceeded to get his fix. There was one problem
with his plan though, and that was the fact he was in plain view of the
cameras. As the announce team came into focus of Mark, one of the Pixie
Stix was clearly up his nose. Mark was caught on live television doing his
deadly habit. Jerry Lawler, in a very tasteless act, even made fun of Mark
Madden's disposition by saying "Alright, can we move on before Madden gets a
mirror and starts chopping Pop Rocks?" on live TV. Madden, of course,
tried his best to defend himself with the razor wit he conjured up to reply to
Lawler with "Hey!", but it was to no avail. Mark, dear Mark, had been
caught in the act. Thankfully, this was on Australian TV. If it had
been America, most of the Internet "reporters" would have been all over this
already, tearing him to shreds even more.
And so, it has all gone
downhill. Sure, Mark now has multiple jobs and is making a decent living,
but he is obviously aching all the time. Just looking into his eyes, you
can see the pain. Of course you have to hit the mute button on the TV so
his asinine commentary doesn't drive you nuts, but the pain seen is quite
obvious. I've been silent long enough with having to watch Mark suffer
alone. All the abuse of the Pop Rocks and Pixie Stix and even now I hear
he's getting to the point of freebasing Tang; it has all taken it's toll on
Mark. I'm not going to let you stand alone and destroy yourself anymore
Mark. It may have ended badly the first time around, but this time I'm not
leaving you.
Honey, it's me, Pamela
Plastique.
I was wrong for leaving
you the way I did. I'm sorry I left our little blowup (or more literally,
MY blowup) come between us. I was just so mad that I couldn't see the
forest for the trees, and it's haunted me ever since. I was full of hot
air back then, and I got a little lightheaded. You did your best to treat
me delicately, and all I did was overreact and come apart on you. I'm
BEGGING you dear, let me help you! I have seen and heard you go through
too much in the past, and thanks to WCW and the Internet, now I have found
you. I want to do the right thing and help fix you like you tried to fix
me. We were young back then and I was an airhead. Please Mark, I
can't bare to see you this way, it's all too horrific to witness.
I still have the repair
kit you gave me, and the glue is still unopened. Please honey, let's try
to patch things up.
Twitmare
Okay, all the stuff above wasn't real.
Except for Pamela, who's decide I'm better than Madden any day, so now she's my
main squeeze instead. Okay, I'll stop. Besides, if this gets any
more inane, you might think I was Internet Wrestling Columnist.
Special thanks goes to Ken Matthews, Sam Van
Dam, and the 7th Level. I also would like thank, myself. After all,
I couldn't do it without me. Good grief, I hope I'm the only one that saw
any perversion in that last line.
If you feel the urge to flame me, then
send it to twitmare@yahoo.com.(makes sense doesn't it?)
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