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Matt Talbot

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THE OUTSIDER'S EDGE
This Thing We Love

In my wrestling class the other day we tackled the question "What is wrestling?" What is this thing we love? We discussed it and came up with several different categories that wrestling could fall under.

Chess match- This one I believe is more apparent in AJ than WCW. The stronger psychology in those matches would lead somebody to say that wrestling is like chess. Kobashi sees that Stan Hanson has a really good lariat, so he attacks the arm to try and neutralize the lariat. The wrestling in those matches are (or at least try to be) logical progressions towards a goal of winning. Another example that hits closer to home took place at the six man at No Way Out. The Radicals continually attacked the ankle of Rikishi, because it was weak. Or the time Dean-o stopped the worm in its tracks. These were all logical moves (in the wrestling sense and the chess sense) to do on their opponent.

Ballet- Once again this might be more akin to Puroresu than American wrestling. There are many similarities between ballet and wrestling. The ballet is trying to get a story over without talking, but with motion and movement. Ballet is a coordinated movement of two or more people to get this story across. One good point that a poster at a1Wrestling.com, TY, made was that there is one big difference in ballet, in that ballet is well scripted out beforehand. A lot of wrestling is ad libbed. Still, I think the comparison holds up.

Morality Play- This one is constant through all wresting and really hard to shake in today's more advanced storylines. There is always a bad guy doing bad things and a good guy trying to stop him. Or maybe it is the aged veteran teaching the young buck a few things or two. Broken down to its simplest elements wrestling is about good triumphing over evil. One note against this could be that in wrestling morality, two wrongs DO make a right. The past justifies the present. Perhaps that is not the best ideal to teach children, but then again, they see it enough in movies and whatnot.

Theater of Cruelty- This one is confusing. It was written by an insane Frenchman named Antonin Arctaud (help me with the spelling here people). It was called the Theater of Cruelty not because of how violent it was, but because how cruel Arctaud felt it was to try and understand it. So, if the creator of it is having trouble understanding it, then certainly we should not be held accountable. From what I understand it is an interesting theory. Arctaud wanted to totally immerse the audience in the drama. Instead of making the viewers understand what the actors were feeling, he wanted them to feel what the actors were feeling. This is shown in wrestling with the theme music. Theme music brings out emotions in a lot of cases. The Rock's music blares and people go crazy. Mere music is strong enough to do that. I know that this is a very hard concept to comprehend and my poor explanation is not helping at all. If anybody can explain it to me better, please email me at talboito@uclink4.berkeley.edu. I always liked getting put in my place :-).

Vaudeville- There are many similarities. Both travel around the country going from town to town. Both are big spectacle that draw fans in with their curiosity. Vaudeville always tried to incorporate current events into their storylines. Anybody remember WMXII with Goldust and Roddy Piper? That is a current event. I think that vaudeville has died out in America, but I do not know too much about it.

Melodrama- Just look at WM2K. Vince like Linda, but hates Shane and Steph. Shane and Steph have a tenuous alliance, at best, with their hatred of Vince and Linda. Another example is the cancer angle from way back when. I personally did not like the angle (although I wasn't personally offended), but that was an attempt at melodrama. I mean people always say it is a male soap opera. Hogan feels threatened at his job, so he tries to lash out against Kidman. Kidman finally realizes that he has a chance to make it somewhere, but has to take down the Orange Oppressor first. The examples of this are strewn all over American wrestling (and in an unfortunate sense FMW).

Athletic Exhibition- This one is pretty self-explanatory. I think it is more akin to Puroresu, however. In America, they hardly ever have matches just for the exhibition or the pride (which is why it could be melodrama), but in Japan they do. Trying to prove that you are the best wrestling out there. A lot of people, I think, watch wrestling because of the athletic exhibition. They like to see the aerial moves or stiff submissions or chain wrestling. I, myself, do not mind a match just thrown out there (like WCW used to do) between some luchadors or power planters. I think the chess match and the athletic exhibition go hand in hand in many ways.

Good cases could be made for all of the above categories (except for perhaps the Theater of Cruelty, but that is because I cannot understand it). What do you think it is? Ballet? Melodrama? A place where the two meet? Email me at talboito@uclink4.berkeley.edu and tell me.

But oh no, you didn't think I was going to end there. I was watching some wrestling over the week and I happened upon The Night the Line was Crossed. That is the ECW event that has the big three way Shane Douglas v. Sabu v. Terry Funk. I had heard a lot of things about this match, all positive, and I was excited to watch it. Imagine my horror as the match developed. Allow me to say it right now.

THE THREE WAY IS THE WORST MATCH EVER.

Now, most people would say "Hey well what about all those Viscera v. Mark Henry matches or something about that." The point is that for a match to be the worst ever it has to stick around for a while. Many people think that Carney Lansford is the worst baseball player ever, because he played for like 11 years, but looking at the stats you could never explain why. Somehow the Three way stays at the helm of all Greatest ECW matches list, but I cannot explain to you why. I have sketched out some reasons why this match is so unbelievably bad.

1. Terry does not show up until minute 15, due to a stipulation giving Sabu that amount of time to defeat Douglas. He then continues to flop around the ring doing pathetically looking DDTs, punches, low blows, and headbutts. At one point, he wanders over to the sound stage grabs the mic and starts talking, really to nobody in particular as the other two wrestlers are doing their business in the ring. He yells and screams at them to come and fight him "like a man." They totally no sell it and eventually he gets bored and careens his way back to the ring.

2. When Terry comes in at minute 15, Sabu leaves until like minute 35 or so. He is supposedly injured (I cannot tell if it is work or shoot) and limps. It actually shows some good selling by Sabu and psychology by the other dudes by working over the leg, but it never really goes anywhere. So for most of the match it is not a three way. In fact, it does not become a true three way until the last 15 minutes or so of the match. Hell, for a point, it is a tag match. Yes! A tag match. Read below.

3. Ian Rotten and Axl Rotten run into help Terry at like minute 40 or so. They cart him off, then run back in and deliver 3 of the weakest chair shots since Hogan v. Warrior. It turns into a tag match between the Rottens and Sabu/Franchise. frigging A frigging tag frigging match frigging! Way to have that competitive three way fire!

4. Just plain Terry Funk! He wrestles like he does now just ambling around. Except he is 6 years younger which pegs him around 412. I have to mention this again, because he absolutely destroys any shred of interest I have in this match.

5. Sabu blows spot after spot after spot. At one point, he climbs the ropes to do a Springboard moonsault, but jumps right down. Instead he leaps up to do a Lionsault, but stop that too. He then runs up to the top of the turnbuckle (while Terry Funk has to roll into a new position) and hits Terry's legs (kinda) with a moonsault. Sabu blows so many spots. He blows a huricanrana. He tries to do an Arabian Twist and ends up on his backside. Sabu gets sooo much better than this, though, so don't judge him on this one match. And he does too many moonsaults. Oh yeah, he also repeats a blown spot, a moonsault attempt, of course (which I hear is taboo or something).

6. The camera work is atrocious. I think there is only one camera. At one point, the dudes "brawl" into the crowd and we cannot see them, instead getting a fuzzy zoomed view of the crowd cheering them on. Later in the match, Douglas is wailing on Funk with a chair (which leads the Rottens to ruin my life) and we miss it all, instead seeing Sabu kinda stand there. The announcing does not start up for the first couple of minutes and the sound is as marvelous as the video quality. Which is to say it is not.

7. The ref stays bumped for about 50 minutes of this match. He always seems down. And at point Douglas quote unquote suplexes Funk and Funk hits his feet on the ref hardway.

8. It seems like there are about 10 seconds. Paul E. 911. Sherri Martel. They all run around and hit people with stuff. Distracting.

9. Did I mentioned Terry Funk flopping like a fish? Oh, I did. Well it bears a re-mentioning of how poor he looked in the ring. It just boggles the mind that he was able to get jobs after this match.

10. There is no flow to the match. People come in. People go out. Seconds run in. Seconds run out. It is a tag match. It is a two way. It is three way. It is a cluster. I mean the match does not really even get started until the last 15 minutes. And did I mention there is no winner? Yeah after all that, they have a pathetic time limit draw. By the way, the words time limit draw sound a lot better than the ending really was. Funk was trying to cover Sabu and Sabu was kicking out, but everything moved in slow mo.

Only Shane came out of that one with his respect intact. The other two would have other matches that were far far far far far far better. Should I mention Dave Scherer absolutely gushes over this vastly vastly VASTLY overrated match? This might even beat out Savage/Steamboat as the most overrated match ever, because at least the WMIII match had some redeeming qualities. Just wanted to show that I am not some ECWMark biased against the WWF. I try to be as impartial as I can.

Recommend to avoid. Recommend to purge the memory from your mind if you ever saw it.

Anyway if you have any comments, concerns, criticisms (ECWMarks this is where you chime in), or questions, or just wanna chat about how Mike Awesome breaking the ropes with his gut at The Night The Line Was Crossed was so unbelievable funny, then please email me at talboito@uclink4.berkeley.edu.

PS Hey yo go check out that a1Wrestling.com. Now they got an efed to rival MBE, called A1E. It has all the great MBErs that you know and love with a rebel attitude! Plus we have Andy F'N Gilkie! What more could you ask for? www.a1Wrestling.com, it is.

Matt Talbot
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