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| Guest Columns | Mr. T |
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WRECKING HAVOC ON MY SENSES The Nightmare Rant for Slim Jim Halloween Havoc What the hell WAS that? I mean, I think it was a PPV and all, my $34.95 is missing, and my arms are still shaking, but whatever it was, it was crafted by Vince McMahon's 2yr-old nephew, Hubert, fresh off his four-month WWF title run: You can't tell me any LOGICAL human being has a 4 picosecond attention span. The train of continuity and flow of that show went off a hole in the tracks and crashed into the rocks miles below, giving you what we saw. On with it! WCW Cruiserweight Title Match -- Disco Inferno def -->Lash Vegas. Lash OBVIOUSLY doesn't use Head & Shoulders. Disco Inferno = disco-flavoured Johnny B. Badd. Oh wait, we have BREAKING news -- due to the injury to the ego of Rey Rey, they've stripped LOS BORCIUAS v2.5 of the belts to avoid any rashes associated with that nasty JOBBING disease. Instead, we get Kdopey & Kidman in a STREET FIGHT. JOY. "The powers that be", er? Lash can't get the job done here, and the new creative team repackages the "Raging Cajun" as the "Cajun Trojan", borrowing JJ's "Ain't I Great" horse, dressing him up like a knight, showing him in jousting vignettes, and having his manager (Robert "Medieval" Kenevil) interfere for him by busting a lance over their head. Any Trojan condom jokes, and you are sentenced to one week of "TexMex" breakfasts. A poll: Who is getting the biggest push under the new "powers that be?" Answer to follow. Harlem Heat vs The Turd Family vs Los Boricuas v2.5 in an "Oh, PLEASE" Street Fight for the WCW Tag Titles Good grief. Somebody call my mama, because using a mummy to score the pin was worthy of washing somebody's mouth out with soap. They should have done this right, and made it an actual street fight, and let them play in traffic. DUSTY FINISH COUNT stands at one. ARRRGGGGGGHHHHH! Harlem Heat goes on to win the tag team titles another 45,675,466 times, and this time we'll forgive Stevie Ray for only repeating it 45,675,464 times. Be on watch when the Filthy Animals get arrested for peddling hot merchandise and we finally get ON SCREEN proof that Rey Rey is the prison bitch. DAMN YOU, NASH! VANILLA THIS! I have an exclusive: expect a "Coffin" match, street fight rules between the Family and the Heat to extensively suck. Hey, maybe WWF will let them borrow the Meanie, and he can (with only minor changes to his "Prince Albert" outfit") be the werewolf that interferes in that one. Of course, the Heat retain, when Jimmy Hart accidentally hits Meanie with his Coors longneck (the "Silver Bullet"). WCW, Russo, I gotta hand it to you: for every "Hogan" work/shoot angle you actually do a good job with, you've got three or four angles like the "Filthy Animals injuries" that could not more obviously be a work unless you had a timeclock and an apron. I call it now: FA's "get injured", leave in the ambulance, and return to beatdown somebody. And that's the bottom line, cause....wait, wrong fed. "Not on Tony's Format" Interview -- DDP w/Kimberly Let's see how many times we can reference "Whacking, "jack", and "spank it" to amuse the perverts! Thank god this wasn't on Tony's format: have we EVER had a show that followed that damn format? It's gonna be Strap and so I toss DDP a scrap. Jersey is a hard place to find work, after all. Bonus Match - Eddy "Rolex" Guerrero vs Perry Saturn. Um, when your announcers are paying more attention to a STINKING watch than the match, it may be time to pack it in. Ric Flair decides to bring a crowbar: is he gonna try to pry the announcer's attention back to this match? Eddy G gets the DQ win here, and any one who thinks the "injured" Animals are not gonna be seen again tonight, kindly take this Stunner back to Naive-land. Thank you. Again, keep an eye out for the Animals "prison" vignettes, after they get caught trying to steal Goldberg's lawn furniture, where Eddy and Co. reveal some ...um, creative uses for K-Dope's tequila sunrise position and Rey's flexibility. DAMN YOU NASH, REY MYSTERIO is human.......this is cruel! "Unscheduled" Interview - "The Original Roided Fool" Buff Bagwell Don't they have any security to keep people like Bagwell from coming out to ruin the format? GEEZ.......Oh, the results of the poll earlier are in: Who's getting the biggest push in WCW these days? VINCE RUSSO! He was employed with WWFE less than a month ago, and now he's a major proponent of at least four angles. This just in: YOU NEVER HIT THE RIGHT PERSON with the foreign object. Wow, whatta shock. After Buff fueds with Jarrett, we'll give him the US title and repackage him as Buffy, the Vampire Chick Lay-er. See, he's hot with the chicks, and he uses hypnosis to put them under his control, and to interfere in his matches. or maybe just his charms. Jarrett's next fued? Mona, repackaged as Mona Lisa, who is the valet to the new Horace Hogan character, Leonardo. A stable of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is started with the old members of the B-Team. Berlyn vs Brad Armstrong -- Ugggh...the evil Foriegner bit. Berlyn loses here, going on to fued with the repackaged, now from Russia, Yokozuna. His name? "Mos-Cow." WCW TV Title Match- Rick Steiner vs Chris Beniot - Steiner controls. Malenko runs in and grabs the chair : too bad, that, like the Eiffel Tower, you could see this coming from miles away. Steiner's the TV champion --of ratings death, that is. Beniot rebounds from this loss by getting a blonde wig, having a "Bad car crash" in a vignette, and assuming the mannerisms of a German shephard, being retooled as "Benji, the (snicker) WRD." WRD = Workrate Dog, of course. He borrows Steiner's earmuffs, becomes INSANELY over in his "on all fours" interviews in his obviously phony German accent, and eventually teams with Berlyn to become one of the greatest German tag teams of all time, named in typical WCW fashion, the "German Goblins". Bret Hart vs the Total Package Express Luger wins? Relatively cleanly? Bret Hart WILL BE ELEVATED, damn - nit, fueding with WISHBONE, the dog with a million disguises! WCW will have a Kennel from Hell match out of this one! Think of the wrestling audience he'll be reaching on PBS! The Total Package will find his next opponent, as he takes the "Package Express" across the USA, taunting thousands of postal and UPS workers until he finds one worthy. Medusa pours the perfume/whatever on the Brain. Russo's megapush continues! Russo ! Russo ! Russo! How long before the big guy gets on screen? Hulk Hogan vs Sting - WCW Title Match Somebody tell Hogan to turn up his hearing aid --they're playing your music..... HAH! THE FIRST TIME IN RECORDED HISTORY HOGAN put someone over clean! Smell the Russo push! WORK WORK WORK WORK, kids. At least we know the Orange Bald O isn't going anywhere now (sigh). *I* want to see Hogan "job" to La Parka! CMON! Put it on Nitro and I'll be WCW 4-Ever! Sid Vicious vs Goldberg -WCW US Title As soon as I heard the words "Nevada State Athletic Commission", I knew we were gonna have a screwy finish involving blood. Well, that, and they did as much as use the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT pounding home the fact that SID WAS BUSTED open. Like I couldn't see that......MJ stops the match due to excessive dislike of jobbing ...oh, they said it was blood, you & I know the REAL reason ....Goldberg (accidentally bitten by "Buffy" during a backstage brawl) begins to grow long teeth -- vignettes play with the lights going out and random people recieving "goldbaths", all of his US Title matches become first blood, and he starts wearing a vampire cape with his tights --but of course, Tony is "not sure Goldberg is really a vampire." Um, guys, it's 9:03 (CST), and all the scheduled matches and etcera have taken place? Time warp a la Russo ...and DDP/Flair is our main event? WHAT THE ??? Unscheduled Interview -- Sting He didn't come to have a day off, ya know. He came to Nevada to job the bel...to fight, so Ye Olde Open Challenge-O is out there. Yeah sure, two hours into the PPV is a GREAT TIME to make a main event. My nightmare prediction -- NWO Hogan. Strap Match and Semi Main Event -- DDP vs Ric Flair Um, tell me who won here, er? "Who's Lil Niatch?" Charles Robinson APPEARS to count to three, but DDP promptly gets into an argument and drops him like a bad habit, so it's DUSTY FINISH NUMBER TWO on the night. DDP helpfully assists Flair in a stretcher job and then the STONE COLD FILTHY Animals prove me right by attacking the stretcher and ...hijacking it and an ambulance? I'm NOT making this up, sad to say. Did I mention the cross promotional top secret "Judge Judy" episodes they are shooting of the Filthy Animals trial? "You four hoodlums are being charged with Assault & Battery, Grand Theft Ambulance, Indecent Exposure of Ric Flair, Petty Larceny, and Operating a Camcorder without a License." Extra points if you guessed that there will be torrid love scenes with Torrie and Judy. Sting vs Goldberg -- WCW Title Match Har har. Spear. Jackhammer. Dual Holder of WCW's top two titles. Next PPV: Goldberg gets beat by Russo & Ferrara in a handicap strap First Blood match for both titles, R & F having earned their title shots by beating Sting at a game of poker. OF COURSE THE Hart-Goldberg Title Match is an afterthought and not even a semi-main, silly -- that goes to the Kidman vs Ric Flair "Kiss My Ass" match re: Ric kissing Torrie on this PPV. Nightmare Bottom Line: Thumbs Up : this will definitely be a nightmare for years to come. It was DIFFERENT, alright -- different in that this is the first PPV guaranteed to cause epilesy (sp?) in those of us actually trying to, you know, FOLLOW the story. Mr. T [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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