You are here /wrestling
/guests
/T
Guest Columns

Mr. T

Main

BLAH

IN QUOTES
CRZ (and Me) In Quotes

Technical Problems in Quotes: Blame my email server for me missing last week. GRRR.....
 
Stay Tuned: FUNNY Quotes >From ME! Coming up later in the column....
 
Martin in Quotes: "Speaking of the PPV report, thanks to all the people who visited it and a huge thanks to those who mailed me with their kind words." No problem! Excellent Piece o'work from our Marvellous columnist this week about Al Snow and Steve Blackman. Go Read It and Hang It on Your Refrigerator of Choice. On the [Slash] front, where's Mikey's Question of the Week for this week? I live to give column-long answers to those! I can't plug it here like I usually do, either! Ha. Well, I know that if I believe, Chris has got my back and would put a link *HERE* if it did happen to go up, right? Cool.
 
Ear Infections in Quotes: <---- THAT looks funny. Unfornuately, this massive ear infection I've got is not, but even under the influence of lots of Benadryl, I managed to catch some of RAW. I massively marked out for the Radicals, and D'lo and Eddy (D'lo: "Nice Move." Eddy: "Yours is nice too!") made me laugh out loud. The Rock ended Angle's streak? DAMNIT Vince, you just blew a perfect chance to get Taz(z) WAY OVER. Nitro? Well, sorry WCW, but the first hour was even better than the Benadrylfor putting me to sleep.
 
The Main Event of the Evening: You gotta love all these goofy marks that email CRZ, and get extremely anal for him ripping WCW, and call him a "WWF Mark." Usually, the answer given is "go to the archives, and SHOW me" type thing, so without further ado, T-Squared proudly presents -
 
He's Definitely a WWF Mark: CRZ in Quotes
"So everybody goes nuts, 'cause he said "Stone Cold." Shawn asks them to "hit OUR music" so I guess he's all chummy with the DXers again. Never mind that that doesn't make sense. " 1.4.99
 
"Terri is loaded on the gurney and wheeled away and also, she's overacting. What, you thought I'd just climb aboard 'cause it's the WWF's doing it? " -1.4.99
 
"THIS WAS THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING EVER. I don't care how much it costs, but drop this NOW. This is the kind of SHIT that makes columnists QUIT.

Cole and Lawler tell us they've never seen anything like this before. Fucking lamers, speak up and tell us thais was the STUPIDEST thing ever PUT on RAW. Come ON. " -1.11.99

"Oh man, he's gonna stink up the Royal Rumble? " 1.18.99

"You know, I wish Lawler would SHUT THE FRICK UP already about the "puppies." Debra has a new "SHOW ME YOUR PUPPIES" T-shirt, and the King gets a free one. I HATE it when the Champion enters first, by the way." 6.28.99

"The Rock stands around while women jiggle and some rapper talks about "gettin' chefy with it" and ravioli. Rock's catchphrases are overdubbed onto the soundtrack this week - I STILL think this ad kinda sucks." 6.28.99

(6:34) Geez, that match was a FREAKIN' MARATHON considering this is a WWF show. Ha! 7.12.99

Ross says that doesn't taste good - not even with a little of JR's BBQ sauce. CRZ may occasionally be a mark for his own initials, but not NEARLY as much as Jim Ross is for his own barbecue sauce.  7.19.99

The Rock gets cheffy with it! You know, *I* stand around ALL THE TIME, but they've never filmed a COMMERCIAL around it. -8.2.99

Ross actually tries to make us think Pepper is in there. Oops, maybe if the DOOR hadn't FLOWN off of it, you might be able to sell that. 8.9.99

"So, it looks like Foodmaker Inc. - in their *infinite* wisdom - are going to take a known and loved product, tinker with it in an attempt to make it more marketable and appealing to the masses, but ultimately drive away the people that made it successful in the first place, to find that they're replaced with...no one. Sounds SUPER smart. I can't BELIEVE people think this business model would ever WORK.

Oh well. On with YOUR sani-fresh RAW recap! ONLY ON WRESTLELINE!

NO ONION-MAYO SAUCE HERE, BABY!"-8.23.99 (WHY DID I INCLUDE THIS? ONLY CRZ KNOWS!)

I'm your sister! Why can't you LOVE me for who I am? Why would you want to take this away from me?" Oh, geez, just LADLE it on. -8.23.99

God, it IS a soap opera. I think I liked it better when it wasn't so.... OBVIOUS. -8.23.99

Rock says some stuff that entertains everybody but me. -8.23.99

This is the 23d time I've heard the Triple H theme tonight...-9.6.99

Once again, we are helped out by the stenciled word GASOLINE on the red plastic container. Whew, I didn't KNOW what that was! Thanks, WWF! -9.20.99

AND FINALLY: Anybody that gives Unforgiven a "thumbs up" needs to send a little of whatever they're on my way, I think. Jericho and X-Pac had better matches in WCW, the main event was good but hardly great, and everything else was textbook mediocre, save the abysmal, should-be-universally-selected-as-Worst-Match-of-the-Year, Kennel from Hell match, which was so bad as to GUARANTEE that the main event could NOT come CLOSE to saving the card. -9.27.99

Mankind says he knows, but every day he spends with him FEELS like somebody's birthday...oh, please shoot me. And now TRIPLE H is out, swinging the sledgehammer, and missing, but FINALLY helping signal an end to this segment from hell. Everybody scatters. H sqaushes some balloons and chews gum meancingly. Hey Triple H, come out about fifteen minutes earlier and you'd be my new favourite wrestler. This segment DESERVES to lose if there's anything resembling wrestling at ALL on Nitro. Of course, it'll probably just double up on the competition. Sigh. -9.27.99

Oh God. It's like they're TRYING to prove to me that they don't have to show wrestling. DAMN! Feather boa takeover and I SWEAR she landed on her head. There's another bump right on Young's head - maybe she just doesn't notice at her age. Semi-bodylam by Young to turn the tide, but only briefly. Ivory ducks a clothesline from Young but not one from Moolah. Young with a headlock - Ivory with a rake of the face - and now she's relieving Young of her gown (umm...err...) and takes her over the top rope to the floor (yowch) - this is, frankly, quite disturbing to watch. We can only shudder to think of who in the upper echelon of the WWF braintrust got a major woody thinking of how this match would play on television and subsequently approving the booking. -9.27.99

"When was the last time you heard me say that RAW has pretty much blown chunks? Stick around..." -9.27.99

TREBLE H is out - I hear he's the game. (Which game? Clue?)- 10.4.99

Still, if the ratings were to not spike like last week, so as to give the impression that maybe we're not interested in sitting through this EVERY week...I'd be up for that. -10.4.99

Cut backstage to Jarrett who shoves the hamper off a ... loading dock? For some reason, that doesn't look terribly lethal - guess they could have done a better camera angle to, you know, not show me the floor off the dock...10.11.99

Jim Ross: "You know, what the Bossman has done to the Big Show has nothing to do with sports entertainment." Jim Ross - master of the unintentional irony. 10.25.99

Ross is all over it with "Was it an accident?" Oh, do we have to go THERE? 11.1.99

Ross makes me cringe by saying "Montreal, here we come!" Can't we LET IT DIE already? 11.8.99

I *liked* Survivor Series. Sue me. Never hurts to take away Austin - that's what I always say! Now if we could just lose that Rock guy for a few...11.15.99

I guess you called my bluff - I guess you are the better - I could never - I could never hit a defenseless person's...hand - I guess you really are the better person, I could never-" then he BREAKS HER HAND, demanding that the camera operator film it and get it on tape. Well, actually he completely misses her hand, and you can TOTALLY tell thanks to the lights and the contrast of white tape and black glove and black other object that really gets hit, but, you know, they're ACTING, see, so... 11.15.99

Ross lays into the "right-wing" PTC (specifically, L. Brent Bozell III) taking on WWF advertisers by reading a prepared statement. I could transcribe it for you, but you can go read the same thing on wwf.com if you're that bored. Suffice it to say that Ross sees a blatant assault on our liberties, whereas I see a harmless expression of free speech that we should tolerate, but take care to see that it doesn't server to limit our OWN free speech later. 11.22.99

Just for fun, let's take a look back at that damn ladder match that may have been great, but STILL has no business being rammed down our throats almost two months later...11.29.99

"Here's Another Special Look at Last Night's Bachelorette Party - oh boy! Busting the proverbial move! The old folks have moved up to wine! Johnny Mae Young doing the crotch chop! Say, is there anything else on?" -11.29.99

And hey, if you're still here, after ALL that, here's your funny quotes as promised:

"They should have done this right, and made it an actual street fight, and let them play in traffic. " -Me, on Halloween Havoc's "Street Fight".

"Thank god this wasn't on Tony's format: have we EVER had a show that followed that damn format?"

"Hulk Hogan vs Sting - WCW Title Match

Somebody tell Hogan to turn up his hearing aid --they're playing your music.....
HAH! THE FIRST TIME IN RECORDED HISTORY HOGAN put someone over clean! Smell the Russo push! WORK WORK WORK WORK, kids. At least we know the Orange Bald O isn't going anywhere now (sigh). *I* want to see Hogan "job" to La Parka! CMON! Put it on Nitro and I'll be WCW 4-Ever!"
 
 "The Sledgehammer of Plot strikes again, as I am realizing the deep subliminal messages that have somehow clouded my good logic enough to pay 34.95 NOT for a PPV, NOT for a Over-Hyped RAW, but for the special, never-before-seen, section of Russo's creative notebook -- the CRACK-INDUCED REJECT SECTION. "
 
"And apparently, since the Godfather has no FARM ANIMALS to offer [Mideon], he'll just kick his ass. I'm now in a cold sweat, hiding under the couch, praying to the Great Booking Gods that this is Russo's last influence on WWF. This is what you show people like Jake Roberts to help them sober up. "You don't sober up boy, and we send you ....to STAMFORD! *evil laugh*. I'm sure you'll enjoy working ...the Stupid Undead Farm Animal Freako Angle! Muhahahahahaha."
 
"I think I skipped the Hollys - NAO match. Congrats to the referee for changing your contact lenses, you SAW the chair. Hitting them WITH the chair is okay, but FameAssers on chairs are blatantly illegal. CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN, THE Outlaws have been jobbed! I'm calling my cable company to beg for my money back. "
 
"In the meantime, HHH drops the WWF title during this time to Vince's 2 year old nephew Hubert thanks to help from Chyna, who turned on him, even though it is revealed to be a facade later.
The Internet predicts the death of the WWF, citing, "How can Vince devalue a title that has been held by Stan "the Man" Stasiak by putting it on a 2 YEAR OLD child?" -Unforgiven Parody
 
 
Barring running out of Benadryl, I'll see ya'll next week, and
 
You *can* quote me on that.
 
Mr. T
[slash] wrestling (One World Leader - Purple Popsicles)

Email the author

BLAH

Main

Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission