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| Guest Columns | Mr. T |
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UNFORGIVEN NIGHTMARES Thumbs in the Middle? Thumbs Way the (Wrestleline) Down? Ouch. Other than the Netcop, the WWF's latest offering to the masses seemed to be a total misfire in the eyes of the smarts, but it wasn't THAT bad. Really, and to prove it, let me take my patented gang of Nightmare Bookers(tm), call up my best friend Ole, and let's have some fun with Unforgiven Nightmares Or : You guys are lucky to get just ONE DUSTY FINISH with that there XXX rasslin junk! Val Venis vs Steve Blackman -- What's that you're saying? It already sucked, how could it get worse? Well, Blackman controls the match on offense, (sorry CRZ), and then goes to the DUFFEL BAG, but Venis has replaced his weapons with bottles of Viagra, but Blackman SHATTERS one over his head. Blackman then hits him with a standing sidekick (his "finisher") but then Val "Vaigs Up" (he swallows one, and like Popeye with Spinach, he becomes SUPER strong. All of this part is worked in by the announcers.) Val defeats him with the shittest looking Money Shot ever, and Steve Blackman disappears, only to return repackaged with his hair dyed white and a goofy stutter, a la Neilson, the star of Naked Gun 33 3/3. A backstory is formed with a "feud" between Blackman (who will have some goofy name, a spoof of "Lethal Weapon") and Mel Gibson over his parody of the parody of the Lethal Weapon Series, and the blowoff match is set for Royal Rumble, in a (how approps) WEAPONS match. The WWF will also hire Anna Nicole Smith, just to give Bob Ryder more material for his Notes. D'Lo Brown vs Mark Henry -- Euro Title Match D'lo comes to the ring, but the announcers state that Henry has not yet "arrived at the arena". Ross says, a "Former Champion & King of the Ring" has stepped up to the plate to challenge in Henry's place: D'Lo Brown vs Viscera -- Euro Title Match Viscera tosses Brown around like a ragdoll. After totally dominating the match, he goes for the Crisco Splash and the earth's torque causes his mass weight to shift and him to miss. Dlo hits the Frog Splash and wins the title but ... Here's Henry, screaming that his plane was delayed. He claims he cannot lose the title that way, and beats him down, and the decision is reversed. D'Lo is not allowed to avenge this. D'Lo goes on to job in 1-800-Call-ATT commercials to that asinine guy with the numeric pad t-shirt. The Dudley Boyz vs the Acotlyes We are treated to a 20 minute "technicial wrestling" clinic, most of it Buh Buh & Bradshaw. Farooq pins Buh Buh with a dominator, after Teddy Long comes in with the repackaged Ice Train, who is now a former Cuban dicatator, and interferes on the Acolytes behalf, leading to a very poorly executed and very thinly veiled "race" war, which finally gets pulled when The Bruthas (The Bruthas 'shout out' - "Out with Chihuahuas, in with Bruthas") promise to fill up the entire country of France with just the mention of a Best of 37 falls hardcore war with the Fuglys (Mideon & Viscera), and fail to get HALF that. Oh, and Buh Buh & Bradshaw turn, breaking up their respective teams for this failed war. Jeff Jarrett vs Chyna IC Title Jarrett locks up and outwrestles Chyna on the mat. The huge babyface reaction for Chyna here is ignored, as Jarrett squashes Chyna to retain his title and render all the build up pointless. However, HHHHHHH comes out with Commissioner HBK, who declares that the match will continue, with HHH as special guest ref. It's basically 2 on 1 until Chyna pedigrees Jarrett ...covers for 1....2...and gets up. HHH asks her what's going on, and she gives him the Golata, thus rendering him the ...face in this particular moment! It was all a setup by Jarrett and Chyna! We remain totally confused as to face/heel until Wrestlemania, when both turn face, help DX again, and then punk them out again to reestablish themselves as heels. Jarrett drops the IC title to Debra at RAW, building to a Debra/Chyna WMY2K match. In the meantime, HHH drops the WWF title during this time to Vince's 2 year old nephew Hubert thanks to help from Chyna, who turned on him, even though it is revealed to be a facade later. The Internet predicts the death of the WWF, citing, "How can Vince devalue a title that has been held by Stan "the Man" Stasiak by putting it on a 2 YEAR OLD child?" Women's Title Match -- Ivory vs Luna Your typical hardcore fare, until the Fabulous Moolah steps over the barricade, and gives Luna a shot over the head with her walker! Heel turn for Moolah, and a program with Faye Young, leading to an epic tag team women's hardcore match, Moolah/Ivory vs Faye Young/Luna w/ Torrie as special guest referee.Figure in at least one double turn. NAO vs Edge/Christian Not hyped, the number #1 contendors get lost while the tag belts are traded almost every show .... and then an unannounced match where the finish unnecessarily elevates the already-over Outlaws as cowardly heels while continuing to let Edge and Christian stagnate in the New Brood angle....wait a second, that's the way the WWF DID this match ......oh well, I can always add the aftereffects, as the Hardys/Blonds fued, while providing the WWF with great wrestling on it's "Secondary" shows, will be used to elevate the Dudleys, NAO, and "thrown together for angle purposes" tag teams and eventually they will be right back where they started -- Shotgun (or is it Jakked) and Heat obscurity. Al Snow vs Bossman "Kennel From Hell" Match The only thing I'd do different from the excellent nightmare effort the WWF put in here is have Bossman win by pinfall a la Flair and the "First Blood" cage match earlier this year, just to extinguish ANY notion that the WWF would deliver on this gimmick. Bossman gives the Hardcore Title to somebody like Shane McMahon, saying he has nothing more to prove. Shane defends it EVERY WEEK on TV, just to piss people off that actually care if WWF has credible titles (see my earlier Slash work, Go Lemmings Go, for my thoughts on that -- hey Zim- man, toss me a bone and get me a link there! That's be cool, continuity between articles and all), and oh yeah, Al Snow's next fued? Dr. Tom Pritchard, because the scab official won't officiate under hardcore rules. Xpac vs Chris Jericho Four Words -- Stone Cold Steve Austin. They wrestle excellently for 6-8 minutes, really getting the crwod into it -- and we cut away to (Insert Six Pack/various Austin enemy name here) beating the snot out of Austin. Austin, pissed as all hell, does what ANY main-event caliber wrestler does when attacked ...namely, come to the ring and beat the hell out of whoever's there just because he's pissed. Austin, of course, refuses to let either one avenge the sudden attack OR work a program with them because they're not over enough. No more mention of this is made on WWF TV. Xpac continues to get squashed by Big Show/UT/HHH/(insert heel name here), and Jericho moves up to fueding with Curtis Hughes and Fink, who alliance, and then Lillian Garcia turns heel and joining him in an _epic_ tag team war with Tony Chimel as special guest referee. Their Royal Rumble Four Corners Mega Tag ends when Lillian turns on Jericho, and pins him in dramatic frashion to forever win the right to announce WWF Raw. Six Pack Challenge -- Rock/Mankind/Big Show/Bulldog/HHH/Kane, enforcer SCSA But .....HHH or another heel calls out Stephanie McMahon, pissed that she is gonna marry Test, and tells her if she doesn't have the ovaries, they can keep Test going ...let's pass on the commentary on second thought. She slaps said heel from behind, bell rings. Steph just wanders around, ducking various offense in a laughable manner. Linda McMahon comes out, getting in ..oh, Big Slow's face for waiting to put Stephanie in such a danger. She then nails Steph with the Ace Crusher! 1....2..and Shane pulls out the referee and "spears" Linda! Vince is out now and we've got a 10 pack! Vince hits the jacknife powerbomb on Shane, turning heel! Mankind covers Shane, 1...2..and Steph interrupts it with a kick. Wait a minute, Vince is gonna hit Shane ...NO, HE HIT ROCK! Linda saves Stephanie! It was all a swerve, and we have a quadruple heel turn! The McMahons all climb the buckles and hit a quadruple diving headbutt. All four Macs cover -- 1---2----3! But who's the champ? Soon, issues split the McMahons, leading to a fatal Mac Fourway for the undisputed WWF Champion as the main event of WM Y2K. Buried in all of this are your seven main stars, but not to worry ...they can all find backup day jobs on CBS Morning Soaps until Vince is in the mood to feature wrestling again. See what I mean? Just be glad the WWF was just having an off night, or else, you will feel the wrath of (Cue Mankind's Olding Exiting Music, the chilling chimes) NIGHTMARE BOOKING..... (Fade out to a Mideon/Paul Wight best of 878 falls no DQ match for the World Title.) Mr. T freelance Mail the Author |
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