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Mr. T

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T2
The A-Team Backstage At RAW

Scene: Reunion Arena, Feb 7th. The T-Squared Team [Mr. T of the A-Team, Myself, and Mini-Me] are appropriately pumped for Dallas's first LIVE RAW ever! We pick up our humble heroes as they walk along the chain-mesh fence, towards Arena Entrance D...
AT: T, this is gonna kick ass!
T: Yeah, the WWF always puts on quite the live show! I'm gonna buy some cool tees...
MM: Do they have shirts in "XXXXXXL" for you, ya red-haired goof?
T: VERY FUNNY, itty bitty, you better KNOW YOUR ROLE or I'll toss your bite-sized behind in during the Too Cool match - Rikishi will flatten you.
MM: He's STILL smaller than you...
T[angry look]: THAT'S IT, SHORTY! I'm gonna ABUSE you worse than Awesome did Spike Dudley at ECW Guilty as Charged!

T picks up Mini-Me and PUNTS him over the chain link fence on his left.
AT: Why do you let him get to you, foo? He's a little short bald guy ...just IGNORE HIM!
T: He's so irritati--
AT & T: OH SHIT! HE CLEARED THE FENCE! oh my [THUD!]

Mr. T and AT quickly climb over the tall fence, and make it over...
AT: OW YOU %&^%$^DIPSHIT Y[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] ON MY FOOT!
T: Sorry bout that, T.
AT: IT REALLY FREAKING H[BEEEEEEEEEEEP]. Hey, T, what the hell i[BEEEEEEEEP] with that damn censor?
T: Typical retarded RAW censors. Where is that 3 ft migraine headache?
AT: I don't see Itty Bitty anywhere, T. Where IS that foo?

As we pan around, we see trailers & cars, and many doors -- near the middle of the madhouse maze we see a slightly open door, with Dressing Room #1 emblazoned on it.

T: Oh great, did he get inside? 
AT: Gotta find him, T, no telling what trouble Short Stuff's getting into backstage...
T: Yeah.....

On their way inside they notice a truck driver napping next to his truck, and AT filches his WWF Access pass. T puts it on and heads into the open door, cautiously looking around. Walking around a corridor, T jumps a foot, coming face to face with a REALLYYY tall man wearing sweats and a black tshirts.
T: YIKES! Sorry, man.
Paul (Wight): It's cool ...who are you guys?
T: We're, um ....
AT: We load and unload equipment, foo, we work for the truck drivers, sorry for our intrusion, man, but we're looking for one of our gofers. Really short, tiny, bald guy with an attitude? Seen him?
T[whispered]: Thanks, T.
Paul: Sorry, hadn't seen him: maybe try the buffet? [gesturing towards a makeshift cafeteria in the distance].
T: No, he's REALLLY short ...so short you'd ask him how the weather was down there...
Paul:(grins): hope you find the little guy..whoops, gotta go, I'm on in five.

As Paul walks away, AT decides to try the right corridor, and T cautiously follows, only to trip over a guy of medium height who was crawling in the shadows ...
T: VINCE RUSSO? What the hell are you doing crawling on the floor, man?
Russo: SHIT! [jumps to his feet, and runs towards a nearby fire exit.]
AT: Damn, there sure are some weird suckas around here.
T: THERE HE IS!

Sure enough, Mini-Me is running along the far wall, screaming, and they sprint to catch up with him..
AT: Hey, [huff] what are you, [huff] running from, Itty Bitty?
Strange Voice: IIII.....WILL....SNAP...YOU....LIKE...A...TWIG!
T: OH for the love of-, don't tell me you...
MM: I was looking for the way out, so I went in this door, and it was
T & MM: Tori's dressing room!
MM: How did you know?

A 7 ft tall, ANGRY man dressed in red comes storming around the corner, brandishing a steel chair, followed by a cute blonde following timidly behind in a skimpy outfit.

AT: Short Stuff, I pity you, foo! (AT disappears down yet another hallway.)
T: Guess it's up to me to save your bacon, you micro moron...AHA!

T spots a wrestler, dressed in green tights, smoking and chatting with another wrestler with braids. T walks up to the bearded smoker, and slaps the cigarette right out of his mouth!
T: Hey XPAC! Your mama said you're so ugly, she had to hang pork chops around your neck to get the animals to play with you!
XP: Your ass is grass, and I'm gonna kick it!
[T quickly runs back into the main hallway, leading the enraged Xpac towards the fracas, then suddenly stands his ground.]
T: Give me your best shot, dogface!
Xpac pauses, then leaps to deliver a spinning heel kick, but T ducks and it hits Tori in the arm!
T: HEY KANE! THIS FOOL just kicked your girl, man!
Kane turns around, and LUNGES for Xpac!
XP: HEY, man, hey hey, it was an accid--gaack!
[THUD! CRASH! CRUNCH! KEE-RASH!]
T: Oh my....he's bleeding....ah well.....maybe BB the EMT will help him....c'mon, let's find T and get to our seats, we're missing RAW!
MM: That was an expensive monitor....
T: I hear him, this way!

T and Mini-Me follow the familiar voice to the cafeteria, where AT has found the Rock!
AT: Rock! I'm such a huge fan, can I have your autograph?
Rock: Who is this roody poo?
Paul Wight [walking up]: Hey, it's the grip handlers I saw earlier! Did you find your little friend?
T: Unfornuately, yes, but Kane almost killed him.
Rock: It's Monday Night Raw, and any jabroni friends of Paul Wight are friends of the Rock. The Rock personalizes his autographs for the millions [pauses for chant] of Rock fans, so the Rock would like to know what your name is so he can take the people's pen and sign the most electrifying signature in SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT today, so how about it?
AT: Sure, my name is...
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!
AT: I know you didn't just diss me.....
Mini-Me: I'm hungry, will you hand me a sandwich, T?
Rock: YES, T, hand your 33-pound friend a sandwich, but before you do, how about you take it....hold it up to the light....
T: Oh no.....
Rock: SHINE IT REAL NICE....TURN THAT SUMBITCH sideways ..AND....
AT: AND THAT'S IT, SUCKA! IT'S ON! I PITY YOU, FOO!

[And AT dumps the buffet table on the Rock! Lefts and Rights! Wait a minute, here's CACTUS JACK! Here comes DX! Cactus Jack just bladed off of a sandwich tray shot! Mini-Me pours the punch bowl on Mr. Ass! It's a huge brawl!]
T: Oh, good grief! For Mr. T of the A-Team, and Itty Bitty Mini-Me, I'm Mr. T, and it's time for a commercial break while we sort this out. Good day all!

Mr. T
The T-Squared Team
[slash] wrestling

AT: Fools, if you dare, email him at tanaka@ncw3.com .

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission