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| Guest Columns | SUPES |
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TAZ IS GONE. GOOD RIDDANCE. So Taz is gone from ECW. I, for one, couldn't be happier. Because Taz sucks. Before the hate mail comes pouring in, let me explain exactly why I feel this way. Let's start with the type of wrestler Taz is. Taz is the type of wrestler who wants us to believe he's this tough, nigh-invincible, bad ass. The kind of wrestler who is supposedly unhurt by most punishment, but rarely takes any bumps. Someone who usually lets his opponent do all the grunt work. A wrestler whose idea of selling a move usually involves only looking stunned while shaking and shrugging off the blow and occasionally grabbing his forehead from time to time. Worst of all, this type of wrestler rarely ever does jobs. Especially clean jobs. I'll stop short of calling Taz a big, lazy pussy. (Since he is pretty short.) But lets just look at the other wrestlers who meet this criteria. Hogan, Warrior, Sid, Nash, Big Show, Undertaker, Goldberg, and Taz. Not exactly us internet smart marks' Knights of the Round Table is it. So lets see if I can shoot down the four biggest pissed off comebacks I'll probably be getting in the mail. Pissed off comeback #1: "What the hell? Aren't you forgetting about all that cool mat wrestling Taz does." Am I supposed to believe that just because Taz can do a bunch of suplexes and leg takedowns that he should be exempt from this unholy list. Uh uh. It's pretty easy to throw guys around, usually on top of their head, when you don't return the favor. Golberg does a lot of this stuff, too. So much so that a lot of WWF fans who've never seen Taz will probably say: "Who's this midget trying to copy Goldberg?" Pissed off comeback #2: "Listen you Eric "Bitchass" (tm Insane Clown Pussies) WCW Mark! Taz is hardcore!!! "Hardcore" is far and away the most bullshit term in all of wrestling. I used to think "hardcore" meant that you were willing to sacrifice your body and risk your future for the fans and your own love of the sport (i.e. Foley, Funk). Now it seems your Hardcore if (a) you've wrestled in garbage matches (i.e. anyone in The First Family, even though your a lump of shit) or (b) if you are currently in or from ECW (i.e. Justin Credible, even though your a total wuss). Ever since Taz dropped the Tazmanian Devil gimmick, he has hardly ever taken any real bumps. Yet he's always tossing someone through a table. "But he's hardcore!" Yeah right, tell that to Sabu, who probably won't be able to walk when he's fifty. No wonder he hates Taz's guts. If Taz is hardcore, than so is Brian Knobbs. That my friends, is as big an insult as I can deliver. In my opinion, the only person whose hardcore is Chastity (wink, wink). Buff Bagwell would be soft core. Pissed off comeback #3: "Hey dumbass, didn't Taz do the clean job to Mike Awesome at the pay per view. Yes, he did what any wrestler should do. That is, what their boss tells them to do. When did fulfilling the "time honored tradition" (as Taz's new boss so eloquently put it) become such a commendable thing for a person to do. Yeah, I know when. Kiss my ass, Bret Hart. So Taz did the clean job with respect, good for him. But Jesus, you'd think Taz gave Mike Awesome one of his kidneys or something. Now think about this, in the last three years, how many clean jobs has Taz done. So little that my 3 year old preschoolers can count that high... with one hand. Slightly pissed off comeback #4: "Well, excuse me sir, but if you look at it from a financial standpoint, Taz is a huge loss to ECW in terms of marketing, revenue, and t-shirt sales......bitch." Anybody can market a type of wrestler like Taz. Just look at the one man marketing bonanzas listed with him above. But to market these types of wrestlers, you have to do so at the expense of the rest of your roster and company morale as a whole. Think about it, the "invincible tough guy" almost always engages in a nearly heatless, suspenseless feud, where the opponent ends up having his character , his moves, and finishers totally devalued due to no selling and squashing (i.e. Taz vs. Tajiri or Candido). Additionally, the unstoppable main eventer usually takes up precious tv time with pointless, repetitive, and downright asinine interviews. Taz's "I challenge Hogan and The Rock to blah, blah, blah" promos would fit here. Lastly, if it was a "Raven or me' thing, wouldn't you rather market a nationally known figure like Raven than a guy who only known by people on the internet. I don't want to speculate on why Taz left, probably due to creative differences. But didn't the guy have enough control already. He basically took Shane Douglas's spot as the Hogan or Bret Hart of ECW. With him and the Dudleys gone, this paves the way for the best workers to take their place at the top of the card. The rest of the guys who aren't so talented, well they've already proven that they will kill themselves making the top guys look better and pleasing the "hardcore" fans out there. Except that piece of shit "wrestler" known as New Jack. They ought to can his ass, but that's a column for another time. Anyways, there is a lot up for grabs right now in ECW and that competition will make for a much better product in the long term, I'm sure. As for Taz, he'll have to almost completely change his character to survive in the WWF. Because of Time Warner, he'll probably need a new name as well. It wiil be interesting to see if he can make other wreslers (besides Shane Douglas) look good for a change. He'll also have to put over guys for the first time in a long while. Guys that he's been ripping on for the past few years in ECW. That should be fun to watch. Even more fun should be Taz attempting to really sell moves for a change. I can't wait to see that. I guess you could say that for the first time ever, I'm really interested in what happens to Taz. Amidst all this new uncertainty, you can be rest assured that one thing is certain. Taz may know dick about the art of selling moves, but he sure has mastered the art of selling out. I am Supes. Good night! Send scathing, seething hate mail to IAMSUPES@hotmail.com Constructive criticism is also appreciated, yet rarely received. SUPES freelance Mail the Author |
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