Yeah, yeah, I know the whole "Fantasy Book Nitro" fad has passed, but things seem to have taken a nose-dive into the toilet again, so I thought, "What the hell?"

Ladies and gentlemen, marks and smart marks, I bring to you...The FINAL Nitro:

WCW logo

May 13, 2008

(The scene opens in an empty arena, with Scott Hudson standing in the ring)

Hudson: Hello fans, I'm Scott Hudson, and I'd like to welcome you all to the Final Monday Nitro. Tonight, we're going to look back at the history of Nitro before we look forward to the future. But first, a little history lesson, courtesy of our own Mike Tenay:

Tenay: Thanks, Scott. Well, as many of our long time fans know, the last few years haven't been so great for WCW. In the beginning of the new millenium, WCW was fighting a losing ratings battle against the vastly more popular WWF. In a last ditch desperation move, WCW reinstated two executives that had previously been ousted, Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo. It was touted as the beginning of a new era, but it was really the beginning of the end.

(Clips are shown of the first Nitro of the Bischoff/Russo era)

The first, and possibly most lethal blow was struck when Russo and Bischoff brought in B level actor David Arquette. It was truly, the beginning of the end for WCW.

Buyrates, already at all time lows, dropped even further, eventually reaching ground zero. Ratings took an even more dramatic nosedive, until WCW's already diehard fanbase was driven away as the World title was passed from David Arquette to his wife, Courtney Cox, to a string of increasingly dubious "celebrities", ending with our current WCW World Champion, the kid from "The Sixth Sense", who won the title from Jaleel White at Starrcade.

Finally, AOL executives decided to pull the plug, and all seemed lost until one man made a last ditch plea to save WCW. He was an unlikely savior, and tonight, on the debut of WCW's new flagship show, WCW Monday Night Chaos, he'll finally make his presence known to the world. And now, the debut of Monday Night Chaos.

(High tech opening for "WCW Monday Night Chaos" airs, and we go to the ring, with Tony Schiavone)

Tony: Welcome fans, to the first edition of Monday Night Chaos, and right now, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, the savior of WCW, Paaaaaaaullll E. Dangerously!

(Paul E. emerges from the entrance, flanked by Raven, Dreamer, and Rob Van Dam)

Paul E. (taking the mic away from Schiavone): First of all, Shill-vone, take a hike! Your services are no longer needed, as I've brought along my own commentator, and he actually knows the names of the damn moves! Joey Styles, get out here!

(Styles, flanked by his broadcast partner James E. Cornette, makes his way to ringside and the commentary table. Cornette brains Mark Madden with his tennis racket, sending him to the back, blubbering.)

Paul E.: Now, first off, it's time we made some cuts in this organization. First off, Hulk Hogan, you're fired! But not until you serve the remainder of your two year contract, and for the next two years, I will see to it that you are beaten to a bloody pulp by EVERY SINGLE MEMBER of this organization! Even Tenay!

Secondly, since ECW and WCW merged, and the WCW belts aren't fit to wipe my ass with, all former ECW champions are now the current WCW champions.

We're not gonna sit on our asses and let the WWF just run roughshod over us, oh no, we're gonna get EXTREME!

(Suddenly, a familiar voice cuts Paul E. off)

Voice: Wait just a DAMN minute, Heyman....

Styles: Oh my God! IT'S CYRUS!

Cyrus: That's right Heyman, I'm back, and I'm CHEESED OFF! See, you may have defeated me over on TNN, but I swore that I would not rest until I DESTROYED hardcore wrestling, and when I heard about your shenanigans over here, I made it my quest to get in good with the AOL brass, and you are looking at the NEW WCW Standards and Practices administrator. And that's not all, Heyman, oh no. I've brought a couple of equalizers with me!

(Suddenly, Steve Austin, in a suit and tie, and Mick Foley, similarly dressed, come out and flank Cyrus)

Styles: HOLY SHIT! Errr, I mean, OH MY GOD! It's STEVE AUSTIN AND MICK FOLEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING HERE?

Cornette: Hell, I thought Foley was retired! And Austin, hell, he works for the WWF, doesn't he?

Cyrus: You see Paul, it's not gonna be quite so easy as it was at TNN, because I've got the backing of a generous benefactor from up North, and he is bound and determined to see this cancer of the wrestling world die like it should have eight years ago! And these two men beside me, are going to help me accomplish that goal! Get em, boys!

(Austin and Foley rush the ring and attack Heyman and company)

Styles: Christ, this is insane! Cut to commercial! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

(Author's note: Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?)