Guest Columns | Matt Spaulding |
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IDEA MAN Boo, Hiss WRESTLE MANIACAL: 5 for 10... I'm sorry, but I hated "My Way" before the WWF copped it for WrestleMania, and I hate it even more now... That place is PACKED... Interesting choice of opener... Well, THAT was abrupt... One word, Bradshaw. Decaf... See, here's why I like WWF hardcore matches: the stupid, unintentionally funny shit like this. And they DON'T take it seriously. That's why it works... Hey, is that Josh? Naaaah... Damn, Test's power moves are ruling it tonight... That, however, isn't... Dig that amateur matwork. And dig the crowd digging that amateur matwork... Heh. Angle throws the first punch... He's TAPPING! Get your head out of your ass!... Oh, Kurt, you really didn't want to say that... What, is Chyna wearing PINK? What's THAT about?... Hey, is that Botter? Naaaah... Nice elbow pads, Vince. Oh, wait... Poor Shane. Buys WCW and doesn't even live to see it... And there's the Trish turn... Linda stands up! The crowd goes NUTS!... OH MY GOD!! OK, people: Van Shane-inator? McMahon-inator? We need a consensus here... Hey, those guys up in the cheap seats look familiar... Time to write nine more epitaphs... OUCH! Well, E&C just ruined Lita's night... And for that, Rob is booing the hell out of the Dudleys right now... Tread lightly, young Jeffrey... What did I JUST say?... Holy SHIT. Jeff's dead, baby. Jeff's dead... They won AGAIN? That's what, seven?... Hey, is that Doom? Naaaah... The Brain lives!... Which brings up the obvious question - who should headline WrestleMania 38?... No Al in the genie pants. Damn... Well, that makes sense. Looking at the Sheik come down the ramp, I don't think he would have survived a top-rope bump... Eh. Bizkit should have played Taker down. But we all know that if Russo was booking this, both bands would have gotten into a fistfight on the stage, and we'd end up with a Survivor Series match at Backlash. Either that, or Lethal would win the title on Raw... That there's a nasty elbow, that is... Not a good camera angle, boys... Hey, is that Rob? Naaaah... Chioda's STILL down?... HHH jobs! Clean, even!... What, no staredown?... Austin's knees can take that?... Gee, THIS looks familiar... Is that the Million Dollar Dream?... What the hell is Vince...oh, no. They're gonna do it TONIGHT?... I don't think they realize what just happened. I really don't. LINE OF THE WEEK: JR (to Paul Heyman): "You'd better step off, Jack, or you'll find yourself back in that bingo hall. ALONE." (Raw, April 2) And don't think for a SECOND that he doesn't have that power. The WWF took a huge gamble Sunday night. And it's working, thanks in large part to some solid pre-preparation, since you had to think that the WWF creative team thought, "This will only work if we do it JUST RIGHT." The Torch got a report from somebody at Raw - before the show went live, the WWF replayed the finish from the main event to emphasize just what had happened, since the Houston crowd was still cheering like crazy as WrestleMania ended. They also ran a pre-taped segment with Vince and Austin dissing the fans. When the time came for Austin to speak on Monday, what helped was that Vince spent most of that segment getting Austin over as a heel instead of himself. Calling out the Texas fans on cheering Austin's win at WM was a very nice touch. But count me in among those who found Austin's Raw promo lacking, mostly because it was eerily similar to what Vince said on the post-WM Raw last year after turning on Rock ("I don't owe you any damn explanation!"), and we all know how that played out. Austin's SmackDown! interview, however, was all that was good and awesome about being a bad, bad man. First, they had Jim Ross conduct the interview in mid-ring to get the crowd involved. They did it in Oklahoma City AFTER giving JR a big hometown hero's introduction. Austin played the anti-hero role to perfection, reminding us that he never asked to be the fans' hero, nor did he ever tell them he was. He reiterated that there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to win the WWF title again (the line "I NEED to beat you, Rock" from a couple of weeks ago becomes even more important in retrospect), and said that his philosophy - DTA - especially extended to himself. He'd rather be on the same side as Triple H - the man who conspired to have him run down in a career-threatening accident - because HHH was sick enough to come up with the plan in the first place. Then he knocked JR's hat off and started to beat the ever-loving shit out of him. While taking orders from "Mr. McMahon", no less. There are a few small things that I still think need to be changed. His music, for one - the crowd is still conditioned to pop for the glass breaking, which could give us another Triple H-like situation where he's cheered until he opens his mouth. And what happens when he decided he wants a beer by himself? On the other hand, Ken pointed out in chat last night that Austin did NOT Stun JR during his assault, as the Stunner always gets a pop. Also very smart. Speaking of Triple H, why didn't he turn Monday night? I think it's a plot to stay in Vince's good graces until he figures out what's going on and why. I also think he already has an idea of what that is - he's being set up to take the fall for something. It helps that he hates the Rock, too - HHH and Rock have never been on the same side, face or heel, for an extended period of time. It'd be a violation of the laws of nature, sort of like being a fan of both the Yankees and Red Sox. You can't DO that, see. Also, remember what Vince told him on Raw: Austin asked for his help, HHH didn't. Austin won his match - HHH didn't. Something reeks. I even figured out why he's Intercontinental Champion again - it just reinforces that even though he finally beat Austin, for whatever reason, he's still not "the man". I fully expect him to get screwed out of that, too... hmmm... how about Jericho asks for a rematch... a week from Monday? SMELL THE CONTINUITY. Hunter will be a face by Judgment Day at the latest. Just watch. And people thought having only one major promotion would be boring. >Small Packages:
Matt Spaulding
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