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Woman Problems

LINE OF THE WEEK: Rock (to William Regal): "Aren't you the guy who drank pee last week?" (SmackDown!, March 29)

So I read that Torrie Wilson was backstage at the last Nitro, hanging with boyfriend Billy Kidman. The cynical among the Net's wrestling news-gatherers (read: all of them) speculated that she was actually trying to get noticed by the WWF. She might want to get some personality implants first, as she, along with most of the rest of the former WCW women, just isn't all that interesting.

In the WWF, on the other hand, the women are at least somewhat important. Some more than others, obviously. And, at this point in time, these three in particular:

Lita: This poor girl's taken a beating ever since she slipped Matt Hardy the tongue a month or so ago. And an uncomfortable percentage of the damage has been inadvertently caused by Jeff Hardy (he mis-times a barricade run; he gets thrown over the ropes and lands on her). BUT, it seems as if Jeff has been able to avoid most of the extracurricular carnage the brothers have dealt with recently. Matt and Jeff have exchanged words, but things are cool between the brothers at the moment. However, we have seen Matt's overprotectiveness of Lita in the past... how many mistakes does Jeff have left?

Trish: Vince's New Best Friend has been hit on, drenched in shower slop, jobbed out to Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, forced to strip down to her bra and panties, and slipped Vince the tongue in front of his heavily sedated wife.

But she keeps blathering something about "for the right cause." And Shane's "theft" of WCW only convinced me that Trish is working for him. Mr. McMahon isn't normally the type of businessman who would overlook something like that, even with his crack legal staff. He had to have been... distracted. Hey, I would be, too.

Debra: Somebody want to tell me what's going on here?

It's mentioned in passing a few times after Austin's surgery that he and Debra are married. Mick brought it up during his investigation into who ran him over. Then, after No Way Out, Debra decides to resign as lieutenant commissioner and go back to managing. So Vince assigns her to manage... the Rock? Wow, he IS all-powerful. I didn't know promoters could assign managers to wrestlers.

So Tension Mounts between Austin and Rock, and we have no idea where Debra stands. She doesn't, either... too many times we've seen her checking on the Rock, laid out in the ring, while Austin stalks around ringside and up the entrance ramp. And for Austin's talk about how Debra's safety was the Rock's responsibility, he hasn't exactly been the knight in shining armor himself. Oh, he ran in and kicked Angle's ass when he put the ankle lock on her, but afterwards, he Stunned Rock and left. Hey, Steve! Your wife might be hurt!

NOW, with Vince relieving her of her managerial duties on SmackDown!, it looks like this has all been made irrelevant.

Or... has it?

PREDICTIONS FOR WRESTLE BY GOD MANIA

Q: How do you completely overshadow the biggest pay-per-view of the year?

A: Purchase your competition.

Now, then...

Gimmick Battle Royal: Featuring (among others) Brother Love, The Bushwhackers, Doink the Clown, The Gobbledy Gooker, Iron Sheik, Kamala, Michael Hayes, Nikolai Volkoff, Sgt. Slaughter, Typhoon, Earthquake, Repo Man, Hillbilly Jim, Kimchee, The Goon, One Man Gang, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese

What? No S.D. Jones? Damn you, WWF. DAMN your SOULS.

What I'd Do: I'm hoping Al Snow shows up in the genie pants, myself. And I'd bring back Dude Love to win the deal.

If you think I'm gonna predict this, you've clearly lost your mind.

Just Send Beer Money & For The Purposes Of This Match, He's Jerry Lawler (w/Jacqueline) vs. Right To Censor (w/Steven Richards)

Seemingly, ever since its inception, Right To Censor has been feuding with the APA. Richards stole a win over Lawler last month, then some things happened and Lawler's, well, no longer with the company. He's been replaced by Tazz, both as SmackDown! color commentator and in this ongoing saga.

I won't make note of the house show reports where Goodfather and Bull have teased face turns, because they've been doing that at house shows since August. That said...

What I'd Do: The RTC has so run its course. Faces win, group splits up.

What They'll Do: The above.

European Title Match: Test vs. Eddie Guer-rudo

Test beat now-WWF Commissioner William Regal for the Euro belt the day after the Rumble. Regal gave Eddie a shot at Test after Benoit split from the Radicalz, but Jericho interfered. Now Eddie wants another title match, saying that his Spanish heritage entitles him to the belt.

What I'd Do: Test needs the win more than Eddie does.

What They'll Do: I'll say Test goes over in a mild upset.

Women's Title Match: Scary Library Chick vs. Ch-ch-ch-Chyna

RTC and Ivory give Chyna a spike piledriver. Chyna's career is threatened. Chyna returns at Royal Rumble. Chyna is "re-injured" during that match. Ivory challenges Chyna for WM. Chyna accepts. Yeah.

What I'd Do: Put Chyna over and end this charade.

What They'll Do: What I just said. They'd BETTER.

Street Fight (w/Special Referee Mick Foley): The King Of Sports Entertainment (Who?) (w/The Corporate Bitch, Twitch Stratus, & Linda At Ringside) vs. Simba, The Boy Wonder Giant Killer

Well, he IS. But for storyline purposes, it's Shane who now owns WCW, buying it from under his father's nose and ruining his week in the process.

This all kicked off when Shane finally took a stand against Vince's treatment of Linda (the divorce, the institutionalization, the tonsil hockey tournament with Trish) and had a contract drawn up for a Mania match. Vince, playing the Biggest Sleazeball In The History Of The World, made it a Street Fight. On Monday, Mick returned with some legal documents he'd signed while he was still Commissioner, and one of them gave him the ability to put himself into this match.

What I'd Do: The first blow for the new WCW (and they MEAN IT this time) is struck by Shane-O-Mac.

What They'll Do: Remember when Mick was the special ref in HHH/Angle at Unforgiven and he turned on Helmsley? Exactly. The only person turning in this little get-together is TRISH. Shane wins.

Olympic Villain Kurt Angle vs. Da Crip

Looks like Jim Ross wasn't kidding when he talked about Benoit becoming a "fan favorite" a couple of months ago. The Crippler's headed for facedom, as Angle foolishly claimed to be the best technical wrestler in the business. He even belittled that "stupid crossface thing" until Benoit slapped it on him on Raw and made him tap like Gregory Hines.

What I'd Do: I told you earlier that Test needed to beat Eddie Guerrero. That goes double for Benoit here.

What They'll Do: They seem serious about making Benoit a face, so he's winning here.

TLC 2: Tag Team Title Match: The Dudley Boyeeeeez (w/Lil' Spike) vs. Messrs. Photogenic (w/Rhyno) vs. The Suicide Bombers (w/Lita)

This circus escalated two weeks ago when Edge & Christian messed with the Dudleys - well, their travel arrangements - and took their tag team title shot against the Hardyz. With the help of the debuting Rhi(y)no, E&C won tag title #6. When the Duds DID arrive, they forced Regal into giving them their scheduled title match, and with the help of the debuting Spike Dudley (which NO ONE called), the Dudleys won tag title #3 about an hour later.

What I'd Do: Dudleys retain.

What They'll Do: Something happens to Lita, Matt punks Jeff, Hardyz break up, Dudleys retain.

Triple Threat Hardcore Title Match: Poor, Poor Me vs. Big Red vs. The Big F'n Show

Show beat Raven at No Way Out and started wearing the Hardcore belt on his FREAKIN' ARM. He then renewed his rivalry with Kane. Kane avenged an earlier attack by helping Raven win the belt back, which is Good, as Raven can take all the bumps for the behemoths.

The over/under on the number of title changes during the match is 6. I'm thinking we'll have 5.

What I'd Do: Kane walks out with the belt.

What They'll Do: Show reigns again.

Intercontinental Title Match: Chris Jericho vs. William Regal

Jericho's just a wee bit suspicious that Regal only got the commissioner's job because he sucks up to Vince. He's right, of course, and Regal was besmirched by the accusations. Since then, the commish has made life pretty miserable for Our Paragon Of Virtue, but Jericho's gotten a fair share of revenge.

What I'd Do: Jericho retains... for now.

What They'll Do: I'm not convinced this feud's over, so I look for Jericho to hold on here.

Hammer Time vs. Hell On Wheels

A week after beating Austin at No Way Out, Triple H came out and bitched about how he's spent the last year-plus beating up on both Rock and Austin, yet he wasn't in the main event at WrestleMania. Well, gee, Hunter, you should have thought of that when you made the stipulations for the Austin match, you moron. Aren't you the "Smartest Man In Pro Wrestling?" Huh? Well? Just as I thought. "Cerebral Assassin," my ASS.

The Undertaker got sick of HHH's bragging and complaining right quick, coming out to remind Trip that he's never beaten him. Since then, Hunter's slapped a restraining order on him keeping him 25 feet away from Stephanie, clocked him with a sledgehammer, and trashed his bike.

What I'd Do: UT's got a streak to maintain, damn it.

What They'll Do: I shouldn't, but I look for an Undertaker victory here.

WWF Title Match: Our Champion vs. Hey, Beer Man

Austin won the Rumble. Rock won the belt at No Way Out. Austin NEEDS to beat the Rock. Rock hit a Stunner on Austin on Monday.

ONE of these guys is going heel.

What I'd Do: I would say that Rock "needs" to beat Austin, rather than the other way around. Then I'd have Rock beat Austin.

What They'll Do: Well, I doubt they'll have a heel leave WM as champ two years in a row, so the turn won't actually happen at WM. But mark my words: JR will be damning SOMEBODY'S soul at the end of Raw on Monday.

That somebody will be...

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Austin, who snaps in frustration (and maybe cuts a deal with Vince) after the Rock retains at WM.

Matt Spaulding
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