APPROVAL OF EXPENSES: 3 for 9... I'd like to think this will lead to something, but I can't... Who's legal?... Hey, Shawn, NONE of that heat is for you... Sweet Foley, somebody SHUT THOSE TWO UP... That'll do... Booker, KICK HIS ASS... That'll do... And another one bites the dust... Seriously, who's left?

EVEN MORE SELF-INDULGENCE: "I'll take E.C. and... five months." - handicapping the E.C. Ostermeyer/Thunder survival odds, October 20, 2000. Today is March 23. That is all.

Well, this is it.

The last Nitro as we know it.

I was chatting with a couple of friends the other night, and talk turned to how WCW should end. That's what actually inspired this particular column.

And considering all the ways WCW has mishandled talent and storylines through the years, there's only one good way to close the book on this company.

We have a Night of Champions. What we need is a Night of Payback.

8:05-8:14

The show opens (with the old "Star of David" logo set, natch) with ring announcer David Penzer reading a statement. Since tonight is the season finale of WCW Monday Nitro, he'll be reading various public apologies on behalf of WCW. In a nice touch, he starts by apologizing to Jim Ross for "Oklahoma."

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Bobby Heenan, and Stevie Ray. They tell us that the final Nitro will be two and a half hours tonight. They run down the title matches: Skipper/Romeo vs. Jung Dragons; Shane Helms vs. Rey Jr., and Booker T./Scott Steiner if Scott shows up.

Now Shane Douglas is out. He knows he's got Rick Steiner tonight, but he wants another Ric - Flair. Duh. He rambles on about how he's waited and waited, and how he's never gotten what he feels is a fair shot at the man. Stevie Ray: "This fruit booty's been talking about Ric Flair for a hundred years, Tony." Flair appears at the top of the ramp and says: "Hey, Douglas! I KNEW you'd say that, so I sent Rick home. You want me? Here I come."

Shane Douglas vs. Ric Flair

Shane charges in with rights. No effect. Flair unloads with CHOPS. Douglas fights back with a few suplexes that Flair shakes off. Douglas goes for the Pittsburgh Plunge at 2:51, but Flair cradles him for a two-count. At 3:40, Flair climbs to the top rope and HITS the double axhandle. Crowd goes NUTS, but Douglas kicks out at two. Another rally for Douglas, but Flair doesn't even move for the Franchiser. Flair's LAUGHING at him. Low blow by Flair, and a small package puts an end to this at 4:21.

8:15-8:18

Commercials.

8:19-8:28

We come back to find Kanyon wandering the halls. He spies an open door and runs in. Next, we hear a crash, then a shout: "BANG!" As Kanyon runs away, we take the camera behind the door to find... Glacier.

Mike Tenay comes to the broadcast table and sits in Hudson's lap for this match, since it involves CRUISERWEIGHTS and LUCHADORES and what have you.

Lenny & Lodi vs. Los Fabulosos

For some reason, Ms. Hancock has followed both teams out and is dancing on the announce table.

Los Fabulosos control the early offense At 3:34, Ms. Hancock's jacket is off. At 4:25, Tenay flips out, upset that Tony is reminiscing about the Varsity Club, and jumps on top of him and lays into him with punches! Security breaks it up, but not before Tenay bloodies Schiavone's nose and pushes his limp body down to the water's edge.

Back in the ring, a Silver King moonsault gets two at 5:07, but Lodi breaks it up. Running sequence leads to a double clothesline on Silver King. Double dropkick on El Dandy by the blondes, and Lenny covers for the pin at 5:39.

After the match, Hancock blows a kiss to the announcers and walks away as if nothing happened. Lenny and Lodi start throwing Blow Pops into the audience.

8:29-8:31

Commercials

8:32-8:36

Strangely, Tenay is allowed to remain at the broadcast position.

Handicap Match: Totally Buff vs. Hugh Morrus

Buff and Luger look confused as Morrus lays into them with chops and rights. After about 30 seconds of this, they wise up and whip him into the ropes. Buff heads to the top rope as Morrus comes back to nearly take Luger's head off with a clothesline. Buff signals for the Blockbuster, but Morrus beals him off, and he lands prone on top of Luger. No Laughing Matter follows for the double pin in 0:50. Afterwards, Penzer shakes Morrus's hand and apologizes for "that whole Dungeon of Doom thing. And the First Family. And the Misfits in Action."

8:37-8:38

Outside, a limousine pulls up.

8:38-8:45

Penzer: "Ladies and gentlemen, WCW would like to take this time to apologize for the Black Scorpion."

(A split-screen shows Sting and Ric Flair in their respective dressing rooms, looking confused.)

Penzer (in a lower voice): "Just trust me."

"Voodoo Chile" fires up, and Hulk Hogan, of all people, is out. He wants a match tonight, he tells us, and he'll beat any one of those "non-drawing kids" in the back. Naturally, this brings out Billy Kidman, and we have...

Hulk Hogan vs. Billy Kidman

Kidman starts off hot with a dropkick. And another. And another. And another. This goes on for a good two minutes, as Hogan is just too slow to react, even though it's the same move. Finally, Kidman stops with the dropkicks - and hooks a Kid Crusher, putting down Hogan to a nice pop. Then he does it again. And a third time. There's a fourth one. At 3:46, Konnan runs out with a chair and slides it into the ring. Five more Kid Crushers ON THE CHAIR. Jebus. Now Kidman's going up... picture-perfect Shooting Star Press connects, and to quote Jim Ross, "this is emphatically over." (4:39)

Post-match, Creative Control (!) runs out to beat on Hogan some more. And here come the cruiserweights! ALL of the cruiserweights. MASSIVE Hogan beatdown ensues, and you can almost hear Hogan's bones breaking underneath the strain.

(Hey, I LIKED the Creative Control gimmick.)

Sting appears at the top of the ramp and laughs heartily.

8:46-8:48

Commercials.

8:49-9:07

Backstage, we see, for no apparent reason, Smooth dressed up as G.I. Bro. Oh, wait, that's why... here comes Kanyon with a Cutter. "That was for Ice Train, you son of a bitch!"

We QUICKLY cut back to the ring, where things have been cleared out for...

Cruiserweight Tag Team Title Match: Elix Skipper & Kid Romeo vs. Jung Dragons

Skipper and Yang start. Heat sequence leads to a springboard DDT on Yang for two at 4:21. Romeo is tagged in, and the fight spills to the outside, where Kaz hits an Asai moonsault on the heels on the floor at 6:08. Yang Time gets a near-fall on Skipper at 7:38, but Romeo breaks it up. Heels switch back and forth for a bit. Yang slips out of the Last Kiss attempt and hits a neckbreaker. Hot tag to Kaz at 9:49. Headscissor cradle on Romeo gets a two-count at 10:36. Romeo fights back, and the Last Kiss hits at 10:59, but Yang makes the save. Yang runs the ropes and gets backdropped to the floor by Romeo, and Skipper comes in to hit the Play of the Week on Kaz. Romeo covers at 11:23.

Post-match, Skipper & Romeo call out tag team champions Chuck Palumbo & Sean O'Haire. They say they're just as good as the heavyweight tag champs, and they want a unification bout. BUT, Team Canada hits the ring, and Lance Storm says that they'll be facing the tag champs tonight. Suddenly, Mike Awesome picks Storm up - Running Awesome Bomb! Awesome grabs the mic - "I'M NOT CANADIAN, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH!" Penzer then apologizes for "That 70's Guy." Awesome apologizes to Paul Heyman.

9:08-9:10

Commercials.

9:11-9:19

Our announcers tell us that Palumbo & O'Haire have accepted the challenge.

Before introducing our next match, Penzer apologizes to everyone involved in the Junkyard Invitational.

Tattoo Match: Shawn Stasiak (w/Stacy) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

As Stacy and Shawn do their intro, Stevie Ray says, "Man, who gave this skinny yak and this damn fruit booty a microphone?"

Slugfest for the most part. At 4:37, Stasiak went for his oh-so-Memphis neckbreaker finisher, but Bigelow kicked out, bless his soul. One minute later, Greetings From Asbury Park gets the pin. Match was 5:41 we'll never get back. Bigelow GETS THE TATTOO KIT and drags Stasiak backstage. Stacy seems... unconcerned.

9:20-9:23

Commercials

9:24-9:33

Back at ringside, Hudson tells us that Penzer has just apologized to Dustin Rhodes for the "King of the Road" match.

Backstage, Kanyon runs through a hole in the wall to deliver a Cutter to the Shockmaster.

WCW Tag Team Title Unification Match: Elix Skipper & Kid Romeo vs. Chuck Palumbo & Sean O'Haire

O'Haire does most of the early work for the faces here. Spinebuster by O'Haire gets two at 2:47. Romeo comes back with a moonsault bodyblock. Tag to Palumbo, who hits a missile dropkick for two at 4:13. Trainwreck spot starts at 4:41 when O'Haire is knocked off the apron. Skipper clotheslines Palumbo out, then he jumps on both of them with a tope, then Romeo follows with a springboard plancha. Palumbo & O'Haire do the "double hiptoss over the ropes into the ring" spot on Romeo. Skipper blind-tags Romeo at 6:02. At 6:10, Romeo ducks a Jungle Kick, and here comes Skipper - Play of the Week on Palumbo! 1, 2, 3! The cruisers take all the tag gold in 6:20. They were RIGHT.

9:34-9:40

Booker T is interviewed backstage. Talks about his career in WCW, from the early days of Harlem Heat through the wars with the Outsiders to his singles career. Says it's a sad day for everyone in WCW, but maybe, God willing, it will rise again.

Scott Steiner arrives.

9:40-9:43

Commercials

9:43-9:50

We come back from commercial to see, IN PROGRESS, Kanyon hitting several Cutters on Ed Leslie. Jeff Jarrett yells, "Knock that crap off, Kanyon!" which prompts Kanyon to give JARRETT a Cutter. Then he picks Leslie up and gives him ANOTHER one, which we can only assume is for the Disciple.

Penzer: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, WCW would like to apologize to Brad Armstrong for... everything."

Norman Smiley is already in the ring, and... is that Duggan's music? It IS? And he's carrying... the World Television Title!

TV Title Match: Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Norman Smiley

At 2:02, Duggan hits the Old Glory kneedrop, but Smiley just barely gets the shoulder up and gets over again in the process. Duggan takes over for another minute until Smiley ducks a clothesline and gets a crucifix for two at 3:18. Smiley takes over with punches and kicks. Duggan comes back with his own, but Smiley kicks him right in the gut and executes a Victory Roll for the pin and the TITLE at 3:56.

9:51-9:54

Commercials

9:55-10:06

Backstage, we spot... a white Hummer? And Kevin Nash is running from it! Dear God...

In the ring, Penzer has just apologized to Arn Anderson for Renegade when the Wolfpack music starts up... and out jogs an exhausted Nash.

HERE COMES THE HUMMER! It drives THROUGH the WCW entrance set, pretty much destroying it, and stops at ringside. The driver's side door opens, and MISS ELIZABETH~! bounces out. Randy Savage gets out next, carrying a Sting mask and laughing. Savage runs down Nash, but it's just a distraction...

...as Goldberg comes barreling through the crowd, HURDLES the announce table, slides into the ring, and zaps Nash with a tazer! The bell rings, and it's ON.

Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash

Nash regains his bearings and starts to slow things down. The framed elbow makes an appearance at 3:11. Goldberg blocks the big boot and starts a rally. Military press by Goldberg at 4:04. At 4:39 the ref was bumped. Vince Russo (!) runs out and tries to get in the ring, but Liz TRIPS him, and his head bounces off the apron. This distracts Nash long enough for Goldberg to SPEAR him. Goldberg cinches him up - Jackhammer! 1, 2, 3. Arguably the happiest 5:05 of Goldberg's professional life.

(Sadly, Benoit and Malenko were unavailable - I had visions of a Texas Cloverleaf/Crossface combo on Nash.)

10:07-10:10

Commercials.

10:11-10:19

Ms. Hancock - sans jacket - is back out to dance on the announce table for us again. She's joined by Paisley and Tygress. Stevie Ray takes umbrage. "Mike! Mike! Can I axe you something? WHY do these yaks keep coming out here and dancing on our announce table?"

Before the introductions for THIS match, Penzer apologizes to all of the maskless luchadores wandering the Earth. He expresses regret for Tony talking about the nWo during their corkscrew planchas, for all the Sid, Nash, and Steiner squashes, and he also throws in something about Jushin Liger and a tequila bottle...

Cruiserweight Title match: Shane Helms vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.

Series of swinging DDTs and ranas to start. Helms hits a superplex for two at 3:17. Rey fights out of it and hits a swinging bulldog at 4:09. Standing dropkick leads into Rey's Bronco Buster at 4:28. Helms gets two off a Tornado DDT at 5:00. At 5:20, Rey hits another bulldog and sets up for his slingshot legdrop, but in an insane finish, Helms gets up, and Rey changes the move to a rana in MID-MOVE. Helms rolls through with the move and Rey makes the mistake of releasing it. This allows Helms to hook Rey's arms, stand up, twist, and hit the Vertebreaker! 1, 2, 3, and damned if the torch hasn't finally been passed, says Tenay. They shake hands. 5:38, all told.

10:20-10:22

Commercials

10:23-10:39

Backstage, Bigelow shows us Stasiak's new tattoo: "I Couldn't Get Over When My Gimmick Was Screwing Terri Runnels."

Elsewhere backstage, Kanyon sneaks up on Diamond Dallas Page - Kanyon Cutter! Both men fall to the floor, Kanyon cackling like a demented fool. Page turns over, sees this, and starts laughing his ass off.

It's main event time. Penzer: "In the interest of good faith, WCW guarantees that this match will have a beginning and an end." He also apologizes to Kimberly, Liz, and Stacy Keibler.

WCW U.S. Title vs. World Title Match: Scott Steiner vs. Booker T.

Staredown to start. Steiner strikes the first blow, and a slugfest ensues. Steiner hits a powerslam for two at 1:34. Booker comes back with a flying forearm. Stevie Ray spends about three minutes here calling Steiner "fruit booty". At 3:53, they do a double clothesline spot. Booker tries for the Book End at 4:41, but Steiner pushes him off. At 5:48, Booker hits the Missile Dropkick, but Steiner kicks out. At 6:53, Steiner catches Booker in an abdominal stretch for 16 seconds... but that's not why the crowd is booing.

A bandaged Russo is chasing... Eric Bischoff (?) to the ring. Hogan and Nash are in tow. Steiner's controlling the match now, clipping Booker with a backbreaker at 8:20. At 8:38, Steiner gets a two-count off a powerslam. At 8:49, Steiner runs the ropes as Bischoff and Russo get closer. Booker catches him with a dropkick, and the Ax Kick gets him his fourth WCW World Title at 9:06. The heels are up on the apron as Booker makes the "Come on!" hand motion.

Here come Flair, Sting, and Goldberg! The heels get INTO the ring, where Booker meets them with Harlem Sidekicks. Then he goes to work on Hogan in the corner as the faces enter. Goldberg and Nash get into it, as do Sting and Bischoff, and Russo and Flair. Goldberg hits ANOTHER Jackhammer on Nash as Russo and Bischoff are thrown to the mat. Scoop slam by Booker T on Hogan - Booker T going up top - HARLEM HANGOVER ON HOGAN!

The last image of WCW we see... Bischoff trapped in the Scorpion Deathlock, Russo crying like a baby while locked in Ric Flair's Figure Four, while Booker and Goldberg hold the World and U.S. belts above their heads in triumph.

And on this night, they really ARE out of time.

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