KICK IT: Call it 3 for 8, since I don't know what the fuck to make of the DDP/Kanyon/Jarrett business... Animal? The hell?... Oh, look, it's these same six guys AGAIN... Did Moore just do what I think he did?... Wait, so it's Helms/Chavito AGAIN on top of all this?... And the crowd goes dead... Has Palumbo done ANYTHING in this match? I'm not complaining, just asking... Overkill, Chavo, overkill... Damn. The Nitro match was better than this... Well, I was gonna complain either way... Hey, it's Buff, Luger, and Adams. Time for a sandwich... And now it's time for the "foregone conclusion" of tonight's show... If you actually thought Storm had a chance, allow me to laugh at you... Anyplace, anytime, inDEED... Wait a minute - Page beat Jarrett after losing to Kanyon? Jarrett must SUCK... We're changing the rules on the fly again, I see... Jesus, Nash. Of all the times to sell a move.

LINE OF THE WEEK: JR (on the Hardys/Samoan SWAT Team 2001 match): "There'll be no lip locks in this matchup." (Raw, Feb. 19) I should HOPE not. Think of the CHILDREN.

A few weeks ago, I wrote that a Stone Cold Steve Austin versus Triple H match for the WWF Title should be the headliner at Wrestlemania X-Seven. I have since changed my mind, and not just because they're going to have a match on Sunday.

The You Know What main event this year should be Austin vs. Triple H... vs. The Rock.

And I have a feeling it will be.

How do we get there?

First, we have to consider that when Triple H picked his stipulations for the No Way Out match against Austin, he did NOT ask that Austin put his Wrestlemania title shot on the line. Stupid move on the Game's part, right?

Not if he plans on winning the title again.

WWF Title Match: Olympic Villain Kurt Angle vs. Our Champion

Rock won a four-way on a Raw to get a SmackDown! shot at Angle's title, but Stephanie talked Vince into putting Triple H in the match as well. Angle won when Austin, using Earl Hebner's arm, fast-counted his pin on Triple H. Then Rock had to beat Big Show to earn another title shot.

Angle beat Rock to win the title last year at No Mercy. He also rolled on top of him to retain at Armageddon. We all thought he'd lose to Triple H at the Rumble, but Austin had something to say about that.

What's Going Down: Movesmovesmovesmovesmoves a beaten-up Triple H manages to do a run-in after a ref bump and WIPE OUT the Rock, Angle stirs, Olympic Slam, pay 'em.

Triple H screwed Rock for three reasons: one, because he can; two...

Two Out Of Three Falls (Mano y Mano, Mick Foley Memorial, Unforgiving Cage of STEEEEEEL): Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Lazarus Helmsley

Triple H won the right to pick the stipulations after Rock beat Rikishi two weeks ago. First fall is straight-up wrestling, second fall is Street Fight rules, and the third fall is a cage match.

What will be interesting is how they break this up - whether they take a short break in between, or whether they split it into three separate matches like "Triple Threat Theater" at Souled Out 2000.

What's Going Down: Since it's not a tag match from the 1960's, all three falls WILL be used. Triple H takes the first fall, but Austin wins the second and third falls.

And here's the third reason for HHH's run-in: After everything he and Austin have put each other through, he lost. Triple H wants to destroy Austin, and he didn't get it done. Knowing that Austin's locked into a Wrestlemania title shot, Triple H decides that his best chance to finish the job is to win the title before Mania - forcing Austin to face him again.

So on Raw the next night, Triple H challenges Angle for the title... and wins.

Rock, naturally, is livid, as his bitterest rival not only cost him the title, but took it for himself. He threatens Vince with bodily harm (and maybe tells him he was going to release the photos that Billy Gunn apparently has), and "in the interest of fairness", not to mention saving his own ass, Vince puts Rock back in the title match. Doesn't make sense, you say? Not "Vince-like", you say? Hogwash. This version of Mr. McMahon really is acting "in the interest of fairness." He's screwing with EVERYBODY. (No Trish jokes, please.) Putting Rock back in pisses Triple H off, since not only does he have to deal with an angry Rock, but he also loses his one-on-one shot against Austin. And at this point, you can slot Austin and Rock back into their roles as faces gunning for evil champ Triple H, but not fully trusting each other at the same time.

What makes the whole thing work in the end - and this is very important - is that this match has NEVER HAPPENED. It was originally supposed to happen at Survivor Series '99, which is where all of this started. Plus, it makes for a nice bit of symmetry: Rock has five titles already, HHH's next one will be his fifth, and then Austin wins at Mania for his fifth.

There's also another factor to consider... this might be the last, best time to have this match.

First, the obvious case: Austin. He's just over a year removed from major neck surgery that kept him out of action for 11 months. While he's looked good (even taking an Undertaker chokeslam and lots of suplexes from Kurt Angle), he's still got the bad knees, and is one bad bump away from calling it a career. Plus, he's 36, which is ancient in the WWF.

Then there's Rock. Sure, he's only 28, already a five-time WWF Champion, and would seem to have the wrestling world in his back pocket, but this flirtation with Hollywood is starting to turn serious, and is a cause for concern. He shot Mummy 2 last year, which is coming out this summer, and shooting for The Scorpion King, which he's starring in, begins next month (though I've heard nothing about him missing any TV time). If either one of these movies takes - particularly Scorpion King, since he is the lead - Rock is going to have a big choice to make.

Let's not forget about Triple H, either. Even though he's got a reputation of working through injuries, he had a back injury flare up twice last year, and that's a completely different animal. I can tell you from personal experiences with both of my parents that once a back goes bad, you're never the same - it can start up on you at any time.

So I was wrong. Put them all in. Let's do it now.

As for the rest of the card:

Winner Gets The Queen Of Memphis All To Himself: The King (Who? What?) vs. Starched and Pressed While You Wait

Kat's Right To Nudity campaign has got Steven Richards in a near-psychotic state. She planted one on him a couple of weeks back, and he hasn't been the same. (I can't say for certain that I would be, either.) A Richards threat led to Lawler jumping to Kat's defense.

If Richards wins, RTC gets Kat. If Lawler wins, we get Kat naked.

What I'd Do: Surprise! Steven wins. We've seen it already, and I think Kat's going to be the stick of dynamite that eventually blows RTC up.

What They'll Do: What I said.

Twitch Stratus vs. The Corporate Bitch

Stephanie's hatred for Trish runs deep. REAL deep. "Wrestling lessons from Triple H" deep. "Watching her hang all over Vince" deep. "Knowing when to reel in the acting when I don't" deep.

This match? William Regal's idea, if you can believe that.

What I'd Do: Two words: CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

What They'll Do: Trish wins via interference.

Tag Team Title Three-Way Table Dance: The Dudley Boyeeez vs. Messrs. Photogenic vs. Big Red & Hell On Wheels

The Duds beat E&C at the Rumble to win the titles. The Blondes, naturally, want them back. They interfered in Undertaker and Kane's shot at the belts, and they got pissed at the Dudleys. A #1 Contender's match between the Pretty Boys and the Dead Men went nowhere, so Vince made it a triple threat. Tables were added on SmackDown!

Fun and relevant fact: Taker and Kane each have four tag title reigns, but none together.

What I'd Do: Put the Dudleys over to reinforce their toughness.

What They'll Do: I don't know, so when in doubt, go with the new team. UT and Kane win.

Hardcore Title Match: Raven vs. The Big F'n Show

After briefly hanging out at the top of the card, Show's been shuffled back down to the hardcore ranks and a feud with Raven, of all people. Raven is "unimpressed" by the Show.

What I'd Do: Hmmm. This is the one environment where you'd almost expect Show to lose, so I'd put him over just for that reason. Plus, I think it'd be fun to see him fighting off eight guys at once with the 24/7 rule in effect.

What They'll Do: This'll be a good indicator of how Vince, J.R., et al. are feeling about Show's work ethic since he returned from Ohio Valley. That said, Raven's going over.

Fatal Four-Way Intercontinental Title Match: Chris Jericho vs. Da Crip vs. Eddie Guer-rudo vs. The Ladies Love To Hate X-Pac

Jericho beat Benoit in a ladder match to regain the IC belt. Eddie returned from a Jericho-inflicted injury to beat him down. X-Pac did the same a week or so later, bringing Justin Credible along with him. Benoit's just a miserable, sadistic bastard.

This is what I'm talking about when I say that there are too many damn heels in the WWF.

Not that it matters, but is this elimination or first pinfall/submission?

What I'd Do: X-Pac's the only one of the four who's never been IC champ. That won't change; I'd give the win to Jericho.

What They'll Do: Three on one? Sure. Jericho retains.

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