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Matt Spaulding

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BLAH

THE IDEA MAN
Rattling the Snake

THE PEOPLE'S MAILBAG: Just like last week, it seems that my readers are skipping parts of these columns. SportMan21, for example, says this:

U call the Rockers one of the greatest tag teams of all time? R U crazy? Sure they had Michaels, but they he wasn't getting the major push then. And Jennetty just sucks. Besides they only one the WWF tag belts one time and that didn't even reach tv.

Hey, I didn't say anything, SportMan. You've got me mixed up with Drew Henderson. Take it up with him.

This week I figured we'd do something different. Right now, the WWF is showing us what life after Stone Cold will be like, and honestly, I don't think we're gonna miss Steve all that much. Sure, I'd like to see him get well and get back in the ring, but the Fed's running on all cylinders right now in his absence.

Having said that, what if he was here now? What if he hadn't needed that surgery that put him on the shelf just before Survivor Series? What would the WWF look like then?

Here's one man's plan. Now, keep in mind that this uses the WWF's roster as it stood after No Mercy, as well as all the roster moves that we knew about at the time (Tazz, Kurt Angle, Rikishi, Too Cool's return, Jeff Jarrett's departure). Thus, no mention of the Radicals (since nobody in mid-October would have had the balls to predict the way THAT would go down), and the Undertaker returns on schedule.

The Rock's unintentional interference at the No Mercy title match between Austin and Triple H planted the seeds for an Austin heel turn against Vince and the Rock. Both Austin and Rock played up the tension of two men who both wanted to kick HHH's ass, but had no problem going through each other to do it. The SmackDown! accidental belt shot by Vince on Austin only seemed to push the Rattlesnake closer to the edge, while also teasing a heel turn by Vince.

So... let's say a healthy Austin doesn't get "hit by a car" in the parking garage 45 minutes before the show starts. (Aside: Who was driving? The Undertaker - while he was away, he decided that it was time for Big Show to get a title shot. But that's another column.) Austin, Rock, and Triple H go into the triple threat WWF title match as planned.

The finish comes when Austin hits HHH with a Stunner and goes for the pin, but Rock breaks up the count. An enraged Austin then stuns Rock and tosses him into a corner, but HHH grabs Austin, hits the Pedigree, then covers Rock to keep the title. Post-match, Austin snaps... and lays into the still-not-quite-conscious Rock. Ross and Lawler sell it like only they can ("The Rattlesnake has gone nuts! The People's Champ is being decimated!") and we're out.

The next night on RAW, we're told that Rock isn't in the building, but at a hospital back in Detroit getting treatment for the beating he took at Austin's hands. The show begins and Austin enters, but he doesn't pose at the corners. Instead, he grabs the mic and challenges HHH for the title at the end of the show.

Then the heel turn completes itself.

Austin runs down the Rock, saying that he's cost him the title twice now, and he's had it with him and his fans ("..and Rock, if your beaten carcass can hear me, you and the millions and millions of your little fans out there can kiss my ass, and that's all I've got to say about that!"). HHH comes out and agrees with Austin about Rock, and accepts his challenge.

The match? Triple H retains via DQ when Rock runs in (to a deafening pop, no doubt) and beats the living hell out of both men, laying one out with a spinebuster, hitting the Rock Bottom on the other, then delivering a two-armed People's Elbow as both Austin and HHH lie motionless in the ring.

The subsequent SmackDown! opens with the Rock in the ring. His promo sounds similar to the RAW segment where he told Mankind that he didn't throw his book in the trash can (and, in fact, he says that here). He also sounds appropriately angered that Austin blames him for not winning the title back ("Stone Cold, you did not lose at No Mercy because of the Rock. You did not lose at Survivor Series because of the Rock. You lost at No Mercy, you lost at Survivor Series, because you ABSOLUTELY SUCK!")

Austin rushes the ring and beats down Rock, then Mankind runs out to help Rock, setting up a main event handicap match (Rock-n-Sock vs. Stone Cold; faces win) and pissing off Al Snow (keeping that angle intact for later).

A couple of weeks later, Triple H opens RAW by running down both Rock and Austin, gloating that they were so busy fighting each other they forgot about him ("The Game played both of you for the fools that you are!"). Mankind's music hits, and he takes appropriate umbrage to the heels' treatment of the Rock, then challenges Triple H for the title at Armageddon. Rock vs. Austin for the No. 1 Contender spot is signed later.

Here's where the ripple effect really starts to affect the card. With HHH defending the belt at Armageddon, he doesn't have time to marry Stephanie McMahon (killing HHH-Vince and the McMahon-Helmsley Era), but there's still no wedding.

Why not? Well, if you remember, Test had a match with a still-heel Val Venis shortly after No Mercy where Stephanie announced that she's gotten her full memory back. Before the match, Val fed Steph this line: "But if you would have spent just ONE NIGHT with the Big Valbowski, it would have been a night that you would have never, ever forgotten."

Fast-forward to the day of the wedding. Where was Steph's bachelorette party? Las Vegas. Where's Val's hometown? Las Vegas. Do I have to spell this out for you?

Steph fails to show at RAW, so Shane goes back to the hotel and finds her with Val. Steph then drops Test like a hot potato. On the following SmackDown!, Val kicks Shane's ass for a few minutes until Test arrives to make the save. The new heel Stephanie is more slutty and less bossy than the one we all know and hate right now. A suitably pissed off Test challenges Val for Armageddon.

With Rock and Mankind having separate issues, the Hardys get a well-earned tag team title shot against the Outlaws. D'Lo Brown challenges the British Bulldog to a return bout for the Euro strap. Jericho/Chyna, Kane/X-Pac, and Bossman/Show remain the same.

So the new Armageddon card shakes out like this from top to bottom:

WWF Title Match: Mankind d. Triple H
To Determine the No. 1 Contender: Stone Cold Steve Austin d. The Rock
WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Chris Jericho d. Chyna
WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Hardy Boys d. The New Age Outlaws (when Kane runs in and cancels out X-Pac's interference)
X-Pac d. Kane (and leaves with Tori)
Big Show d. Big Bossman
WWF European Title Match: D-Lo Brown d. British Bulldog
Val Venis (with Stephanie McMahon) d. Test

The resulting Austin-Mankind feud is a little trickier to navigate, so we'll start that by having Mankind call out Austin and ask him why he can't take the Rock at his word. Austin responds as only Austin can, and his obsession with winning the title back proves to be enough to power this feud all the way through to the Rumble.

Speaking of the Rumble, Rock, HHH, Big Show, and Kane are now all positioning themselves to win the big battle royal and go on to WrestleMania. Stephanie pushes Test aside, and Val moves on to a feud with D-Lo over the European belt, while Test beats Bossman for the Hardcore strap, then sets his sights on Jericho's IC title to one-up Val. (Face or heel, one of Jericho's promos for this should poke fun at the fact that Test was once a bodyguard for Motley Crue: "You couldn't get a job with a REAL band?")

Continue Kurt Angle's winning streak. Have the Hollys feud with the Hardys over the tag straps by playing up the "superheavyweight tag team" gimmick again.

So here's your NEW Royal Rumble 2000 card (although the real one was pretty damn good):

Royal Rumble: The Rock eliminates Kane to win
WWF Title Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin d. Mankind
WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Chris Jericho d. Test
WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Hardy Boyz d. The Hollys
Tazz d. Kurt Angle
WWF European Title Match: Val Venis d. D-Lo Brown

It's a straight shot to WM for the Rock, but both Mankind and Triple H seek to settle their issues with Austin. Kane blames Triple H for costing him Tori and the win at the Rumble, and vows to lay waste to DX. The Outlaws, still sore over losing the tag titles, step up and vow to beat down the Big Red Machine and get the belts back from the Hardy Boys.

The Dudley Boyz break through as monster heels like they are now, and the Acolytes earn some face heat as the women of the WWF come to the aPa for help. Al Snow (still a heel) has a vision or something and decides it's time for him to reclaim the Hardcore title, so he comes after Test. Val declares himself the No. 1 contender for the IC title.

No Way Out turns into this:

WWF Title Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin d. Mankind and Triple H in what may be Austin's first win in a Triple Threat Match (The Rock is the special referee)
WWF Tag Team Title Grudge Match: Kane and the Hardy Boys d. The New Age Outlaws and X-Pac (There's a special stipulation at work: had DX won the match, the Outlaws would get the tag team titles back; as it is, the Hardys retain.)
Dudley Boyz d. Acolytes
WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Chris Jericho d. Val Venis
WWF Hardcore Title Match: Al Snow d. Test
The Hollys d. Too Cool

Now for the big one.

Austin-Rock for the title is all you need to know about that.

After disposing of the rest of DX, Kane sets his sights on Triple H, determined to make the Game pay for turning his former best friend and ex-girlfriend against him. Mankind still has that issue with Al Snow, his book, and their tag team to settle, so Mick says goodbye in a Hardcore Title match.

The Undertaker is also back at this point, and he's not happy that the Big Show has gotten all soft and emotional and whiny. He wants to see a tougher, meaner Show, so he challenges the ex-Giant to an "I Quit" match at WM2000.

The glut of talented tag teams in the WWF leads Vince to set up a special six-team tournament to see who gets a shot at the Hardys at Wrestlemania. Edge and Christian go over the Outlaws, and several other feuds sprout up during the tourney. Kurt Angle challenges Mark Henry to a "Clash of Olympians", and the four-month long, four-way, two-title feud among Jericho, Val, Test, and D-Lo finally comes to a head.

WWF Title Match: The Rock d. Stone Cold Steve Austin
I Quit Match: Undertaker d. The Big Show
Kane d. Triple H in a Cage Match
WWF Four Corners, Elimination, Falls Count Anywhere Intercontinental Title Match: Test d. Chris Jericho after Jericho eliminates Val Venis and Test eliminates D-Lo Brown
WWF Tag Team Title Match: Edge and Christian d. the Hardy Boys
Tazz d. X-Pac
The Hollys d. the New Age Outlaws and the Acolytes in a Triple Threat Hardcore Rules match
WWF Women's Title Match: Ivory d. Jacqueline
Too Cool d. the Dudley Boyz
Kurt Angle d. Mark Henry
Rikishi d. the Headbangers in a Handicap Match
WWF Hardcore Title Match: Mankind d. Al Snow, then retires both the belt and himself

Believe it or not, I think that's everybody.

Oh, and D-Lo beats Val to regain the European Title the next night on RAW.

Small Packages:

  • Bonus points to the Rock for putting Benoit over on RAW, although it would have been even sweeter if they'd saved that match for the upcoming Atlanta show...

  • I'm a little disappointed in how the WWF brought Crash Holly into the Light Heavyweight division (I'd pictured WWF officials dragging him kicking and screaming to the ring: "Don't you understand? I weigh over 400 pounds! What's wrong with you people?!"), but having Hardcore back on the stick is a Good Thing.
  • Speaking of the Light Heavyweight division, I would have no problem at all taking a rana from Lita (the newly red-haired Amy Dumas, for the six of you who still don't know).

  • As big a prick and as bad a writer as Mark Madden is, I have to grudgingly admit his work on Nitro hasn't been as horrendous as it honestly should be. Plus, on-air, he's anti-Hogan, which almost anyone will tell you is a Very Good Thing.

    Now for the bad news...



    PREDICTIONS FOR SUPERBRAWL 2000 (or, for the old-school traditionalists, X)

    Top to bottom, it's not much of a card, but at least WCW is doing its best to hype it, unlike their last two PPVs.

    Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett
    In a No Disqualification WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

    Oh, hell, nobody knows what's going on with this thing anymore. Between Scott Hall being added and then removed from this match in the space of about 36 hours (which won't matter, as there was no reason for him to win) and Sid complaining about a concussion which may or may not have occurred, there's no telling what will happen to this match. It's not like the belt means anything, anyway. I'm still waiting for Benoit's first title match in the WWF to unify the belts once and for all.

    If this thing actually goes off as advertised above, Sid should win this, since I don't think even the biggest Jarrett mark out there (are there any?) will buy into him as world champ. At this point, I'm just assuming Hall won't show up. Bret, Goldberg, Sting... hell, I'd accept DDP at this point... come back soon. Please. My head hurts.

    Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk
    Legends Death Match

    Does this mean one of them is actually going to DIE in this match?

    Of course not. (But if you were to ask me who was more likely to, I'd say Funk.) Whichever man can't answer the bell at any point is declared the loser. This match probably wouldn't be taking place at all had Flair accepted the role of WCW commissioner when the idea was put to him. As for the match, the coin came up tails, so Funk wins.

    Hulk Hogan vs. The "Total" Package (with Elizabeth)
    in a "Featured Attraction" "Match"

    It IS "The Battle of the Two Worst Finishers in Wrestling History!!" And it's a FEATURED ATTRACTION! I can't WAIT! The suspense is KILLING me!

    As far as I'm concerned, the only "featured attraction" here is The Lovely Miss Elizabeth, who I guess would be my answer to the question "Who did you first mark out for?" Mind you, I was 11 at the time and had no idea WHY I was marking out...

    Seriously, don't we already know who's going to win this one? (Although I'm still praying Sting runs in and beats the hell out of both men just because he feels like it.)

    The Demon vs. The Wall
    In a "Special Attraction" "Match" (this is what WCW.com calls it!)

    Turns out the aptly named Wall is the "mystery opponent" that was being advertised. There's one theory that this was supposed to be Sabu before WCW broke off negotiations, but to borrow a phrase from the Rock: "It doesn't MATTER who the opponent is!!" Why? Because the Demon (now played by Dale Torborg) hasn't won a match yet, and there's no reason that should change.

    The Mamalukes (with Disco Inferno) vs. David "Total Lack of" Flair and Crowbar (with Daffney)
    In a Sicilian Stretcher Match for the WCW Tag Team "Titles"

    It is truly a sad time for the WCW tag "titles" when not only am I forced into having David Flair as tag team champion as an option, but when I am also tempted to pick him. But I'll stand strong here and go with the stereotypical Italians to retain, although young Flair does bump well. Devon Storm may be wishing "Wrestling Jesus" was real right about now.

    (Billy?) Kidman (with Torrie Wilson) vs. Vampiro (with his own damn self) For the Hell Of It, Apparently

    Let's see... the back story for this is a split of two matches on Nitro and a miscommunication during a tag match against La Parka and The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea. How's that for buildup? The Netcop's right... either elevate someone or advance a storyline. What does this do for either guy?

    It's a shame, too, because if both men come to work, this is easily the highlight of the show (Hell, even if they DON'T, it's probably the highlight of the show), and it deserves to be ABOUT something. Vamp's starting to grow on me a little, but I'm going with Kidman here. I also want to predict that whoever actually loses will wind up in ECW before the end of the year.

    Booker vs. Big T (with Stevie Ray)
    "Winner" Gets The "Ownership" Of "Harlem Heat"

    Booker needs to lose.

    I'm serious. At this point the only way he's going to get the push he deserves in WCW is if he loses and can get out on his own. But this is WCW, so they'll probably have him win and keep holding him down. I just hope Big T can manage not to hurt him.

    Lash LeRoux vs. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (with Paisley)
    Cruiserweight "Title" Tournament Final

    Well, if what I've been reading is correct, the Cruiserweight belt will die for good on Sunday, and for this we can partially blame the U.S. Immigration Service. Seems Psychosis had some visa problems and couldn't get into the country in time for Thunder (which no longer deserves an exclamation point, or even to be called Thunder) to job to Iaukea.

    That's right: Psychosis, the ONE MAN who could have saved this title, was booked to job to IAUKEA, who was then scheduled to go over Lash and win the belt. TAFKA Prince FREAKING Iaukea, who has no ability OR heat, is going to be the next Cruiserweight Champion.

    If I may, CRZ, I believe a "F@ck you!" is in order here.

    Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Brian Knobbs
    Hardcore Title Match

    You know, after the World Title match, this confrontation has had the best, most sustained buildup. And that's not saying much. Here's hoping Bigelow wins and beats it into Knobbs that it's time to hang it up.

    Skins Match: Leather Jacket On A Pole Match
    Tank Abbott vs. "Big" Al

    Make up your minds, people! Is this a Skins Match or a Leather Jacket On A Pole Match? See, things like this are the reason why this company is in the toilet right now.

    Actually, one of the reasons this company is in the toilet right now is because nobody gives a rat's ass about either of these guys. I don't even know who Big Al IS, for God's sake. I'll go with the known commodity here.

    Handicap Match
    Screamin' Norman Smiley vs. 3 Count

    It's easy to look tough when you're feuding with a group of pretty-boy wannabes like 3 Count, but Smiley has heat, can wrestle and should go over here. Too bad he won't, as 3 Count picks up the revenge victory. And honestly, Norman, Shannon Moore, and Shane Helms all deserve better than this.

    Question for the Audience:
    What should Thunder be renamed?

    One More Thing:
    Dennis Rodman's recent comments about wanting to throw down with NBA commissioner David Stern almost make me want to add that to this card as a joke. Scary to say, if it was on the card, it's probably the third-best match of the show after Kidman-Psychosis and Smiley-3 Count. Both men work pretty stiff, and Rodman's a heat machine.

    Free Advice for CRZ:
    Take the night off.

    NEXT WEEK: SuperBrawl fallout, plus No Way Out predictions.

    Testify! Email me at Mspauldi@bellatlantic.net

    Matt Spaulding
    freelance

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission