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Matt Spaulding

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IDEA MAN
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do... But We'll Give It Our Best Shot, Part I

THE PEOPLE'S MAILBAG: Can Butch Rosser's presence in the mailbag pop a 20 share for the 20th Idea Man column?

Talk about your ECW chants! Can I get a quick "Holy Shit!" IF *yes, a big, giant, shadow-over-the-East-Coast kind of if* that were to happen, I would be doing a mass dance of joy.

*sigh* No shadows out here, unfortunately. (At least he beat up 3 Count when he DID show.) Still, it was a fun thought I'd been kicking around for a few weeks, and the right time finally came to write it.

Though it seems like to me you could avoid the horror of Lance doing stick work by bringing out Dawn first and have HER bring him in, since it would still make sense and she's a much better mic worker.

I'd considered this, but with Dreamer having just lost, it might spoil the surprise, since who else would she be bringing out? Plus, having Lance come out by himself naturally leads to the "locker room empties" moment at the end, since EVERYBODY's in shock.

LINE OF THE WEEK: We'll do last week's first, since I forgot.

Jerry Lawler: "These are two of the sickest individuals to ever compete in the WWF." JR: "What about the Dudleys?" (Raw, June 12) Said at the beginning of last week's Dudleys-McMahons table match. And be honest, people. Did you really think they'd give away Vince going through a table on free TV?

This week:

Michael Cole: "King! Workman's comp doesn't cover this!" (SmackDown!, June 22) as Lawler makes his way to the ring and the biggest pop of the week.

And afterwards, in this week's Thread aPa~! SmackDown! chat on Delphi, someone made the remark: "You know what... THAT RULED."

This week's column will be written backwards. Read on and you'll see why.

PREDICTIONS FOR JACK OF THE RING

Tag Team Handicap, Tables, Dumpster Match: The Dudley Boyeeez vs. Street Dogg, The Ladies Love To Hate X-Pac, and Not Torrie Wilson

Man, those Dudleys sure are sore losers. They lose to DX in their signature match at Judgment Day, then Buh Buh Ray gets splashed through a table again by Tori, then they complain when DX, Edge, and Christian stuff them in a dumpster and toss them off the SmackDown! stage.

The deal here is that DX has to lock both Dudleys in a dumpster, while the Dudleys have to put Dogg, X-Pac, and Tori through tables.

What I'd Do: Dudleys get the win back and move on to tie up other issues.

What They'll Do: Same thing... at least they'd better.

Evening Gown Match for the WWF Hardcore Title: Gerald Brisco vs. Pat Patterson

Now I fully realize that this is the comedy belt. I've accepted that. And I've pretty much enjoyed what I've seen the WWF do with this.

But what deity have we offended?

It's bad enough that we have to suffer through a Patterson/Brisco feud, but it's over the Hardcore title, and they're both going to be in drag. I'd email Michaelangelo and tell him to take a "Piss Break" sign to the show specifically for this match, but nobody will see it in the luxury boxes, so I won't bother.

What I'd Do: Change the formula. Keep these guys backstage and have them hunt each other down for the whole show. Cut back between matches to join confrontations in progress.

What They'll Do: Keep it relatively short if they know what's good for them. Somehow, Crash Holly will end up with the belt at the end, because he always does. (Note: According to WWF.com, if Crash does win the belt again, it'll be his 10th reign as champion.)

Four Corners For the WWF Tag Team Titles: Too Cool vs. T&A (with Twitch Stratus) vs. Messrs. Photogenic vs. The Suicide Bombers

T&A and the Hardyz have had issues for two months. Over what, I don't know. I guess Trish doesn't think Matt and Jeff are worthy of the adulation of screaming teenage girls (and non-teenage girls). The big guys have also recently gotten into it with Too Cool, who beat Edge & Christian for the titles in the first place.

I'm not sure I agree with CRZ's impressions of this match; we've got six jumping beans in the ring, and two behemoths in Test and Albert who can provide lots of opportunities for the others to bump. This'll likely be spotty, but if you're like me and enjoy that sort of thing as long as it's not overdone, it won't bother you too much.

It hasn't been made clear whether this match will be elimination or "first pinfall" rules. Regardless, T&A won't win, so don't panic.

What I'd Do: Too Cool retains, but drops them to E&C the next night on Raw.

What They'll Do: Time restrictions will probably make this a "first fall wins" match, so they'll move the belts back to the Blondes and make Rebecca very happy.

King of the Ring Tournament

What I'd Do: Chris Jericho vs. Olympic Villain Kurt Angle: I'll come out and say it: Whoever wins this wins the tournament. As for that, Stephanie comes out to belt-slap Jericho again, but she hits Angle instead, giving Jericho the win.

The 24/7 Kid vs. Not Goldberg: If you're looking for The Inevitable Double-Elimination Draw (c), you've found it. They could have at least made it less obvious.

Chris Benoit vs. Rikishi: Rikishi beat Benoit for the Intercontinental title on SmackDown! after at least four previous attempts, and the Crippler is pissed. Benoit goes over with the Crossface after Val interferes. And Val interferes because...

Val Venis vs. Eddy Guerrero: ...this match took place first, and Rikishi's meddling allows Eddy to go over.

Jericho gets a bye into the finals while Benoit subdues Eddy with the Crossface and doesn't let go, bringing out Saturn and Malenko to try and stop him, without success. Benoit gets the best of Jericho to become King of the Ring 2000.

What They'll Do: Jericho over Angle, Bull/Crash goes to some kind of draw probably involving the Hardcore title, Benoit over Rikishi, Val over Eddy. Then Jericho over Bull and Benoit over Val, then Jericho over Benoit in the final to win.

Six-Man Tag Team Match with the WWF Title on the Line: The 3H Club, Vinnie Foxwoods, and Simba, the Boy Wonder Giant Killer vs. Our Champion, Big Red, and The Undead American Badass

By now, you all know about the stipulations, but let's go over them again because they're important.

If Triple H and the McMahons win, then the winner of the King of the Ring tournament gets a title shot at Fully Loaded. If they lose, then whoever gets the pinfall becomes the new WWF Champion. This was thrown in by Vince to create dissension among the faces, but it had the added effect of creating dissension among the heels.

What They'll Do: It'll become clear which side will win when we find out who wins the tournament. If Jericho is crowned King, I like the heels' chances. But if it's Angle, or especially if it's Benoit, HHH is going down, probably to Rocky.

Now here's what I'd do. (Note to readers: This is where the ACTUAL COLUMN starts.)

The main event won't end until somebody turns heel.

Or face.

Or both.

The WWF wouldn't have brought Kane back the way it did if there wasn't a major plan for him. He shows up and steals the title belt, then challenges HHH for a title match. He's in a PPV main event for the first time I can remember since he beat Austin for the title two years ago. And he's been a genuine chatterbox ever since his return.

Meanwhile, as tensions between HHH and Vince have escalated, Shane has tried desperately to play peacemaker, with little to zero effect. Also, (and I said this at Backlash and they didn't do it) Shane hasn't always been on the best of terms with his brother-in-law.

So here's how I end the match: Turn Shane face by knocking HHH and Vince cold with the title belt. Turn Kane heel by chokeslamming the Rock to break up his pinfall attempt. Have Kane pin Shane for the title.

Kane's heel turn is explained like this: He comes out the next night on Raw and says that when he was champion the first time, nobody wanted him to hold the belt. Not Austin, not Vince, not the Undertaker, and not the fans. He says he's been laughed at and ridiculed for years - now he will be respected and feared. Rock and UT are appropriately angered, but Kane wants to deal with his brother first, and makes "an example" of Rocky by destroying him, guaranteeing him heel heat. Have him go through every other face on the roster until UT decides to put a stop to it.

On the other side, Shane went face because he was tired of getting caught in the middle of Vince's and HHH's egos (notice his walking out on SmackDown!) and is perfectly happy at this point to let them fight it out themselves. This infuriates Vince, and has the interesting side effect of also cooling the relationship between Vince and Triple H and will eventually lead to the breakup of the Faction.

You'd expect HHH to be concerned about getting revenge on Shane and winning the title back, but he's had it with Rock's and Jericho's continued Stephanie-bashing. And since the whole point of Kane winning the title was to shake things up at the top of the card, have HHH target Jericho. Kurt Angle comes in to express his displeasure with the faces' words and deeds (remember, it is Stephanie), and he offers to help Hunter by going after the Rock. At this point, Hunter's still a little suspicious, but he realizes that if Angle gets Rock out of the way, it's one less obstacle for him to overcome. His suspicion is based more on the idea that if Angle wins, he could make a claim as the No. 1 Contender.

I also would have moved the IC title from Benoit to Val Venis rather than Rikishi and saved that blowoff for later, but we can still play around with it for a little while. As for Benoit, the other Radicals have noticed a sadistic streak creeping into their friend, and set out to stop him after he nearly killed Eddy at KotR.

Here's the part of Fully Loaded we care about:

WWF Title: Kane d. Undertaker (I know, I know, but it's better to get it out of the way here.) Chris Jericho d. Triple H Kurt Angle d. The Rock Shane McMahon d. Vince McMahon WWF Intercontinental Title: Val Venis d. Rikishi WWF Tag Team Titles: Edge & Christian d. The Dudley Boys Chris Benoit d. Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko, & Eddy Guerrero in a Gauntlet Match Too Cool (or the Hardyz) d. T&A when Test, after coming to the realization that he doesn't have the best judgment when choosing which women to associate with, turns on Trish and Albert. Whoever doesn't beat T&A d. Road Dogg & X-Pac

Jericho and Angle: Elevated. Jericho finally beats HHH as the payoff after several teases, and Angle's win over Rock cements him as a player - especially when Rock beats Kane for the title a week later on Raw, prompting Angle to declare himself the No. 1 contender, drawing the ire of HHH in the process.

After a year-long push, Hunter's finally at the point where he doesn't need to be champion to be considered a main-eventer. So it's time for him to start paying off some old issues and put a few guys over, and a feud with a freshly face-turned Test is the ideal place to start. I don't think I need to tell you why. (And, with T&A broken up, I'd put Malenko and Saturn back together and give them that spot.)

Test interferes in a No. 1 Contenders' Match on Raw between Angle and HHH, allowing the Olympian to score the victory and earn a shot at the Rock and the WWF title at SummerSlam.

Next to be elevated is The Crippler, and Benoit's been properly built up as a silent, somewhat sadistic bad-ass who thrives on causing his opponents pain. Send him after the Undertaker, playing up UT's history of never tapping out to a submission hold.

And this is what we get at SummerSlam:

WWF Title: The Rock d. Kurt Angle (a bigger money match than Rock-Kane) Chris Benoit d. Undertaker by submission (and possible stretcher job) WWF Intercontinental Title: Rikishi d. Val Venis (because nobody's successfully defended the IC title at SummerSlam except HBK, and Val's no HBK) Test d. Triple H (the only acceptable result) WWF Tag Team Titles: The Hardy Boyz d. Edge & Christian (there'll be violence if the Hardyz job in their home state) Kane d. The Big Show Saturn & Malenko d. Too Cool (six months later) WWF European Title: Eddie Guerrero d. Steven Regal (Regal's rumored to be on TV in about six weeks and feud with Eddie over This Very Belt, making SummerSlam the place to settle it)

This would probably be a good time to mention that while all this has been going on, Steph's felt guilty about accidentally costing Kurt his chance to be King of the Ring, and she's trying hard to make it up to him.

Really hard.

Really, REALLY hard.

Don't make me spell this out.

"Wait a minute," you're asking. "Where's the Triple H face turn?"

No earlier than Survivor Series. Probably not until after next year's You Know What. He's just too good a heel to turn right now, plus the crowd really hasn't taken to cheering his antics like they did Rocky's after he went heel at SS '98. This is why I had Shane turn at KotR instead: just like attacking Rock makes you a heel with the marks, attacking Vince McMahon makes you a face.

We'll pick this up next week by adding some character to Benoit, and getting down to brass tacks regarding the HHH/Stephanie/Angle situation, because I want to do this right, and that requires more time than I have in one week. Hope you don't mind.

Small Packages:

  • You know that Russo would have booked Jarrett to drop the title on Monday. You KNOW it.
  • Odd that Crash got to keep the Hollys' music.
  • Benoit's missed that diving headbutt three times in the last two weeks.
  • It seems to me that Stephanie could learn a thing or two about match interference from Trish.
  • So THAT'S what they've done with Val's porn star gimmick! They've given it to DEAN MALENKO!

    Matt Spaulding
    One half of the ECW World Tag Team Champions

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