First, a belated happy birthday to Our Gracious Host, Christopher Robin Zimmerman, who on Wednesday turned... well... one year older than what he was the day before.

It was Mick Foley's birthday, too. He's 35.

I also made the Torch's online website on Wednesday, but you don't care nearly as much.

THE PEOPLE'S MAILBAG: Brandon Boon rains on my metaphorical parade:

Something amusing to think about, Matt. I know you've called Bischoff the One-Hit Wonder, and you've repeatedly stated how he had one good idea, and that was it.

Well, check out this link:

http://rantsylvania.com/home/rspwfaq/part1/newworldorder.asp

Check out question 5a. Turns out that the behind-the-scenes guys were Orndorff and Terry Taylor, and the NWO vs. WCW thing came from overseas in the NJPW vs. AJPW. So what does that make Bischoff now? An Unsung Zero?

Damn it, Brandon! You've ruined EVERYTHING!

Unsung Zero? I guess... I can't even call him "The Supreme Rip-off Artist" because it wasn't even his idea to rip it off.

Oh, and go read his debut column, which, unlike my debut column, did NOT suck.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Jim Ross: "Turn that music off. It's nauseating." (Raw, June 5) as Brisco comes out to "Real American", Hulk Hogan's old WWF theme music.

This week I decided to do something different. Rather than analyze what's already happened or try to work up a plan for what is happening, I figured I'd concentrate on things that might happen later.

So what I did was comb the lower-level Internet sheets and newsboards to see what kinds of rumors have been cooked up about what's going to happen next in the world of wrestling. You all know the ones I'm talking about; they all run the same stories five minutes apart and try to pass it all off as news by changing the words around. Some of these rumors may actually come to pass in some form; others are just rumors with no basis in fact or probability. If nothing else, it's good filler material for a PPV week, since I don't have to think that much.

Rumor #1: Sergeant Slaughter will feud with Gerald Brisco over the WWF Hardcore Title.

This current Brisco reign has been the longest of the 24/7 era. Does anybody in the locker room besides Crash Holly even know he has the title? And nobody's seen Slaughter since he wrestled Kurt Angle for the IC belt over three months ago.

Recent events would indicate that this isn't the direction they're going to go, but it wouldn't be that hard to do. Since most of today's newer WWF fans know Slaughter only as a backstage official type, and some may remember his days as commissioner, cast him as an in-house enemy of the McMahon-Helmsley faction and make Brisco his target.

Rumor #2: WCW wants to get Jeff Jarrett's number of World Championship reigns up to 16 as quickly as humanly possible, for the purpose of creating heat with Ric Flair's fans.

It seems like we've already seen the beginnings of this, as they aren't counting Nash returning the belt to Ric as a 16th WCW World title reign. It would provide an explanation - albeit a pathetically flimsy one - as to why Russo has turned the world title into a church offering plate. Still, if the point is to make it look like Jarrett's a better champion than Flair, isn't there a way to do it that doesn't involve completely devaluing the title? I say don't involve the number of title reigns and give us what we expected after Slamboree - an old-school feud between two old-school workers.

Rumor #3: Rob Van Dam will face either Scotty Anton or Rhino at ECW's Heat Wave PPV next month.

=46or now, all roads lead to Anton. RVD has to get revenge on Anton for causing him to lose to Jerry Lynn, and Anton needs a rub. But considering the tenuous (as ECW "sees" it) relationship between ECW and TNN, Van Dam's feud with Rhino, the Network, and the TV title may not be viable by the time Anarchy Rulz rolls around in September.

Keeping all of this in mind, I'd make the Heat Wave match a four-way dance for the TV title with Rhino, Anton, RVD, and Tajiri. Depending on how soon you want RVD in the World title hunt, there are two ways to go here:

1. RVD eliminates Anton, Rhino eliminates Tajiri, RVD eliminates Rhino. This blows off the Network feud and puts the TV title back around RVD's waist.

2. RVD eliminates Anton, Rhino eliminates RVD, Tajiri eliminates Rhino with help from RVD. A later interview with Van Dam pulls this all together, as he says that once he was taken out, he knew he couldn't let Rhino keep the title, and Tajiri deserved to win since he had been used by the Network. He then adds that he has his eyes on a bigger prize now. Let the World Title push begin.

Rumor #4: Buff Bagwell was supposed to be "running buddies" (copyright Michael Cole, World Wrestling Federation Entertainment, Inc., 1999) with Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner before he punched out a crew member and got suspended.

At the time of his suspension, Buff and Shane Douglas had just lost the tag team titles to Kronic due to some not-particularly-creative retroscripting by Bischoff, who hates tag team wrestling. Of the six, this one's the least likely to actually be true, which means it was most likely to happen. Outside of a Russo-style "turn him for the hell of it" storyline, I don't know how you'd do this.

Rumor #5: Sid will join the New Blood when he returns, and then team with Mike Awesome.

Hasn't Sid turned about six times since Russo and Bischoff took over?=20 And hasn't he only been on three shows? Whatever, just make sure he's a heel when this plan goes into effect.

Rumor #6: The Undertaker will claim that Stephanie is actually his wife due to the "dark wedding" ceremony that Austin thwarted last year, leading to a feud with Triple H.

Damn... first Test lashes out at Steph, now this... the WWF's writers are pulling continuity out of their asses here. I hate to look like I'm copping out on this one, but this angle is best used as a small part of a rather involved angle to split up HHH and Stephanie, which I'm currently working on and deserves more space than I can give it here.

PREDICTIONS FOR THE MEDIOCRE AT BEST AMERICAN BASH

Want more proof of Russo's booking incompetence? Six of the ten matches on this card are gimmick matches.

Pay attention to the order of the matches and you should figure out what the "very scary thought" I alluded to last week was.

Cruiserweight Title Match: Lt. Loco vs. Disco Inferno

The only good thing to come out of WCW this week was an actual cruiserweight wrestler winning the cruiserweight title. I don't mind either of these guys as the current focal point of the Misfits In Action/Filthy Animals feud, but Disco still doesn't say "cruiserweight" to me.

You know, we saw this match two weeks ago. Hopefully, this one will be better.

What I'd Do: The former Chavo Jr. retains in the Match of the Night.

What They'll Do: Move the belt to Disco after a whole mess of MIA and Filthy Animals run-ins, because not only can Russo not book a match (especially a cruiserweight match), but four days is entirely too long to hold a secondary title in the NEW WCW.

The Mamalukes vs. Kronic

Stereotypical Italians! Giant pot smokers! SMELL THE BUYRATE!=20 If you can detect it within the haze of weed and pasta sauce, that is.

This is either a Hardcore "Title" match or a No. 1 Contender for the Tag Team "Titles" match. I'm not sure, and I don't think WCW is, either. There's also been no buildup or any sign of any dispute between these teams.

What I'd Do: Mamalukes win, only because I like them more.

What They'll Do: < Heads. Mamalukes.

BOOKER F'N T vs. Raw Meat in a Boot Camp Match

What the hell is a Boot Camp Match? Is it one of those horrendous early '90's gimmick matches or something?

Speaking of horrendous gimmicks... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY, BOOKER?!=20 WHY? And I'm sure you all remember Stasiak, he of the recycled "Mr. Perfect" gimmick and utter lack of personality. (Where is Hennig, anyway?) This is some bizarre offshoot of the MIA/Filthy Animals feud that Stasiak somehow got involved in.

What I'd Do: T needs to KICK HIS ASS.

What They'll Do: They've already put Stasiak over Curt Hennig, so it stands to reason that they'll put him over here, too, and make smart fans everywhere sick.

The Aptly Named Wall vs. The Transition Player Shane Douglas in a Tables Match

Who gives a rat's ass? I mean, really?

What I'd Do: Tables are Wall's specialty, but he's worthless, so Douglas goes over.

What They'll Do: Tables are Wall's specialty, but he's worthless, so he'll go over.

The REAL Franchise vs. Vampiro Jobs Again in an Inferno... no, wait, a Human Torch Match

Apparently Vamp has not yet begun to job, as he's told interviewers that this feud is scheduled to go on for some time after this match.

Tony Schiavone actually said that this is the first time this kind of match has ever been attempted in wrestling, which proves that he's a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT. But you already knew that.

Remember, kids, 10 weeks until Vampiro asks for his release again.

What I'd Do: If this is going to be Vampiro's "signature" match, he's only allowed to win one on a pay-per-view. This is the one.

What They'll Do: Job Vampiro. Again. Yawn. Next.

United States Heavyweight "Title" Match: Tank "Bud" Abbott vs. The Pumpster in the Asylum

Goldberg isn't the only one who's had problems with Abbott.=20 Scott Steiner has had repeated run-ins with Tank and his own brother, Rick. Tank's lost a lot of credibility in recent weeks, getting pinned by David Arquette, then getting squashed last week by a Goldberg at about 65 percent.

What I'd Do: As much as I dislike both of these guys, Scott has to go over clean.

What They'll Do: During the match, Rick and two other guys attempt a run-in. The two other guys will be revealed to be Mark Coleman and Mark Kerr, two veterans of mixed martial arts and shootfighting. Approximately 25 people in the audience will know who they are. Scott will retain by DQ when they all get into the cage and beat him up. Bischoff will then come out and introduce them to us as the "Fight Club" stable. Approximately nine people in the audience will care.

Mike Adequate vs. Sting... er, Kane... er, Cubic Zirconia Dallas Page in an Ambulance Match

This goes back to the end of Slamboree, when Awesome tossed Kanyon from the triple cage to the entrance ramp, leaving him in a state of worked paralysis. DDP wants to avenge his friend, plain and simple.

What I'd Do: Seriously, this could be a good match, as long as Awesome, who needs the win more than Page at this point, goes over.

What They'll Do: Make this the third straight pay-per-view where somebody turns on DDP (hence his new nickname), this time as an obviously-not-paralyzed Kanyon emerges from the ambulance, beats down Page, and drags him in, giving Awesome the win. If I could, I'd put real money on this one; that's how predictable Russo's "unpredictable" booking has become.

Ric Flair vs. David Flair (w/Daffney) (If Ric loses, he retires)

For the second time in as many years, David Flair has turned on his father, citing years of childhood neglect. This time, the whole family's involved, and Russo has taken David under his wing, calling himself "the father he never had." Ric's tried to reason with David, but to no avail, hence he puts his career on the line here.

Remember when Ric was supposed to get a title shot at this show? WCW doesn't.

We're all familiar with the line about how Ric could carry a broomstick to a *** match. If this breaks **, then Ric Flair IS God.

What I'd Do: Ric comes out before the match and announces his retirement. Right there. Says it isn't worth forcing him to fight his own son or cause any more turmoil within his family. Russo comes out to force Ric into the match, but Ric decks him and walks out. He goes and gets his shoulder fixed, then heads up to Connecticut and a fed that won't do everything humanly possible to piss on his legacy.

A guy can dream, can't he?

What They'll Do: David wins thanks to Russo interference.=20 Ric gets that shoulder fixed.

Terry "The Man of a Thousand Gimmicks" Bollea vs. Flea Market Champion Billy Kid Man with Horace as the Special Guest Referee and Torrie the Fembot no doubt lurking somewhere

Let's go over what's happened since these two hooked up at Slamboree: Hogan's kissed Torrie. Bischoff set up Torrie with Horace. Hogan's been the F.U.N.B. guy. Kidman and Horace scuffled. Hogan brought back the red and yellow. Torrie turned on Kidman. Hulk Hogan turned into Hollywood Hogan again. Oh, yeah, and Kidman got his ass kicked every time Hogan breathed in his general direction.

If Hulk Hogan wins, he gets a WCW World Title shot at Bash at the Beach. If Hogan loses, it will be his last match in WCW. Yeah, right.

You know, if there was any realism at all in the booking of this feud, Kidman would have kicked Hogan's ass several times by now. But nobody believes Kidman has a chance in this one, even those of us who know better.

What I'd Do: Let Kidman wrestle the way he can and run circles around Hogan.

What They'll Do: Put more turns in this match than there are on Lombard Street in San Francisco. Whichever Hogan shows up will win regardless, as I've lost track of who's on which side.

WCW World Heavyweight "Title" Match: The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time vs. Big But Not Particularly Sexy Kevin Nash

At 11 days as of Friday, this latest world "title" reign by Jarrett is now tied for the longest of the New Blood Era. Who's he tied with? David Arquette. And people wonder why this fed's in the toilet. Oh, wait... they don't. Never mind.

We've got a major problem in this match. On one hand, you have Jarrett, who has ability and could be a believable champion if this fed had a competent booker, but is having trouble drawing heat again. On the other hand, you have Nash, who can get heat, but completely sucks in the ring at this point and deserves a title shot almost as much as I do. At least the feud's been built up somewhat.

What I'd Do: Jarrett goes over, no question. And if Nash doesn't want to job, post-match New Blood beatdown, then I fire his ass.

What They'll Do: If you've been following along, you've probably figured out by now what I think they'll do. I refuse to verbalize it because I'm afraid if I do, it'll end up happening. Let's just say that by 11:30 p.m. EDT Sunday night, WCW will probably be right back in the situation that got them into this mess in the first place.

Also of note: Bischoff has backed off on the "surprise", now saying that it will change Nash's life forever and not shake up the world of professional wrestling as we know it, not that it would have anyway.

This situation with the "big announcement", and, in a way, the state of WCW in general, reminds me of something currently happening in the world of computer games. A big deal was made within the industry when John Romero, one of the top designers for the Quake series, left id Software a couple of years ago to found his own game design company, Ion Storm. The new company started working on its first major release, a first-person shooter called Daikatana, which, at the time, was being hyped as the best game of its kind. But even as the project got bogged down in delay after delay, and expectations got lower and lower, the hype continued. Finally, four years after the project started, Daikatana hit reviewers' desks and store shelves about two weeks ago, and the reviews are in.

The game has been described as dated, uninspiring, unentertaining, and a waste of time and money. In other words, it pretty much blows chunks. As will whatever Bischoff's cooked up for the Bash, if it's anything at all.

As far as the "surprise" goes, here's what it's not: Dustin Rhodes as Platinum, WCW buying ECW, a major WWF superstar (or Shane McMahon - Christ, you people are gullible) jumping, Lance Storm's debut.

I'm feeling confident, so I'm going to count this one along with my PPV predictions.

What I'd Do: As I mentioned earlier, I still think it's the "Fight Club" shootfighters stable.

What They'll Do: It better NOT be a Goldberg heel turn.=20 But it's probably either that or a Scott Hall heel turn, neither of which will accomplish anything or help WCW in any conceivable way.

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