WHO'S THE F'N MAN?: From Idea Man #14, "Crystal Balls the Size of Grapefruits":

"...Too Cool (who would be a good choice if you're looking for a team to upset the Shooters in a hot-shot down the line)."

And they went over in Canada, no less. I hope Edge and Christian didn't go backstage and punch out Vince McMahon afterwards.

By the way, tell Vince I'll be expecting my royalty check any time now.

And it is SO a good move. I'll let Scott Keith tell you why:

"They're gonna have to be careful with Edge & Christian, because they're becoming so over and so dominant that the WWF runs the risk of another New Age Outlaws situation developing, whereby there's literally no other teams left who can believably hold the titles for any length of time. I'm sure they're willing to take that chance, however." - from Netcop Rants: WWF House Show 2000.05.28 (at rantsylvania.com)

I'd add that there's also the danger that being the champions would start to become their gimmick (much like the NAO, especially during their last run), and losing the belts now allows the WWF to see if they can further develop their characters and stay over without the straps. Make them jealous. Give Too Cool their Tiger Beat cover.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Kurt Angle: "Look, guys, nobody enjoys posing with midgets more than me..." (Raw, May 29) WHAT?!

I HAVEN'T MENTIONED THIS YET: Hey, 'Taker! NICE bike.

"Da Man" is back in WCW.

Bill Goldberg, the man everyone's been waiting for, made his return to World Championship Wrestling on Monday night to finally answer the challenge of Tank Abbott. But since there's been so much talk about when he was coming back and what he was going to do when he did, I wonder if maybe his return couldn't have been handled better.

A look at the ratings seems to bear this out; Nitro dropped from a 3.5 to a 2.6 between quarter hours four and five, when the ringside segment that had Goldberg in it aired. It was smart of WCW to put him there, but the relative lack of hype surrounding his appearance, and the fact that Raw opened with the Undertaker, D-Corporation-X, and the Rock, had a lot to do with the ratings drop. You just shouldn't lose nearly a full point during a Goldberg segment. That's poor programming.

Maybe if WCW had done something like this:

QH 1

RIC FLAIR'S limo arrives, Ric gets out, says something to Beth, and walks off. R&B Security grabs Beth and Reid, and Ric somehow misses this.

Opening graphic.

BIG BUT NOT PARTICULARLY SEXY KEVIN NASH and THE PUMPSTER make their way to the ring. Nash puts over how he's escaped Bischoff and Russo's wrath so far. Steiner, thankfully, says nothing. Ric comes out and rips on Russo and David. Nash gives Flair the title belt back.

THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME walks out. He books Nash in a handicap match against THE COMPLETELY USELESS STEINER BROTHER and TANK ABBOTT. He then challenges Flair for the World title. Flair declines, but VINCE RUSSO, IDIOT BUT NOT SAVANT comes out with Beth and Reid held hostage by R&B Security. Ric rushes Russo, and takes down the security force with Nash and Pump's help.

The Goldberg monster truck pulls into the parking lot and stops. The door opens, and GOLDBERG climbs out. Tony flips out. "That's Goldberg! Goldberg! Goldberg's here! But... but WHY?" because he's THAT stupid.

The reasoning: If you're gonna deliver Goldberg, make sure the viewers know he's on the show as soon as possible. It's about getting them hooked and keeping them watching, and having Goldberg appear in this segment first (as opposed to QH 4) will do that.

QH 2

As Goldberg walks towards the arena, he happens by a gasoline truck and sees VAMPIRO JOBS AGAIN get out of the cab. Same logic here: make sure your audience knows that Goldberg is here.

Backstage with Russo, Jarrett, and the non-Ric Flairs.

Cut to the hosts, TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and THE DUMBEST MAN ALIVE. They continue to gush over Goldberg's return. It's very important that they try to put over that they didn't know he'd be here.

DISCO INFERNO v. LT. LOCO. Honestly, there's no reason to change anything here. Hell, it's that novel concept known as a wrestling match. Run with it.

PAMELA PAULSHOCK interviews Vampiro out by the gasoline tanker truck.

In a different shot, CHUCK PALUMBO and RAW MEAT jump KRONIC.

QH 3

Drop the whole bit with MISS HANCOCK, CHRIS CANDIDO HOLLY, and the two Flairs. It's pointless.

Instead, come back from the break to Goldberg walking the hallways backstage when he runs across NORMAN SMILEY & RALPHUS, who attempt to fill him in on what's gone down since April 10.

The reasoning: Goldberg hasn't been mentioned on TV since his arm injury, so having Norman and Ralphus meet him backstage and brief him on recent events gets them on the show and establishes that the rest of the locker room remembers who he is.

KIMBERLY flaunts it for the picture-takers, then we show a scene of her tossing DDP's stuff out of the house.

Commentators hype Goldberg's appearance.

Since we're stuck with it, GI Bro comes out. He explains the new gimmick and name change, challenges Shawn Stasiak to a Boot Camp match at Great American Bash, then calls out Mike Awesome for another one of those ambulance matches.

BOOKER (GI Bro MY ASS) v. MIKE ADEQUATE. This stays in even though it was a sloppy piece of crap. But we change the ending, delaying STING... ER, KANE... ER, CUBIC ZIRCONIA DALLAS PAGE'S run-in for a few more seconds until they're closer to the ambulance.

Kronic gets revenge on Stasiak and Palumbo with a sneak attack of their own as THE LOVELY MISS ELIZABETH escapes in the confusion.

QH 4

Clip montage of Tank's challenges to Goldberg and attacks on "innocent people".

"THE ONE HIT WONDER" ERIC BISCHOFF, KIMBERLY, BILLY KID MAN, TORRIE THE FEMBOT, HORACE and THE CAT take a stroll to the ring.

HULK HOGAN arrives at the arena.

This was the point during the actual show when Goldberg arrived. That's way too late to just be getting him here.

Ric Flair wanders backstage, trying to find Beth and Reid.

Bischoff and Co. announce that the Nash vs. Steiner & Abbott handicap match will take place at the top of the hour.

Cut the crap with Cat echoing Bischoff.

Bisch then announces that Horace will ref the Hogan/Kidman GAB match. Hogan comes out and rebuts.

Goldberg sees all this on a monitor backstage and decides to head towards the ring...

QH 5

BOOM BOOM / BOOM BOOM BOOM / BOOM BOOM / BOOM BOOM BOOM / The drumbeat brings Goldberg out just before the top of the hour. Crowd is jacked, as if they haven't seen anything this cool in WCW in months. Oh, wait... they haven't. Anyway, he circles the ring and takes fourth headset. Commentators welcome him back, and ask what he was talking to Smiley about. He says that Norman was telling him about all the changes, most of which he'd heard about. He then adds that he's here for Tank.

Nash v. Rick Steiner & Abbott

Goldberg hits the ring and spears Steiner at 1:45. Tank escapes while Goldberg talks trash in his direction. Then Goldberg grabs the mic and issues the challenge for next week's Nitro. Nash and Goldberg remain in the ring, but say nothing to each other. Goldberg then leaves Nash in the ring. I'll explain why later.

Cut Bischoff's temper tantrum.

Terry Funk v. Vampiro for the World Hardcore Title. THE REAL FRANCHISE provides the run-in, but it's a hardcore match, so there's no DQ anyway.

QH 6

Pamela Paulshock interviews Goldberg briefly backstage.

David Flair abuses his family.

THE TRANSITION PLAYER SHANE DOUGLAS shows up and learns about his match with Scott S.

Footage from "Friday", when Page finds his belongings out on the lawn and all of the locks changed.

Commercials.

Drop the "Kim calls out Liz" fiasco and put Palumbo vs. Bryan Clark here. Follow that with

QH 7

Pamela gets a quick word with Ric, who changes his mind and grants Jarrett a title shot. Ric keeps on walkin', looking for his wife, son and Russo.

Commentators hype the title match.

Scott Steiner (with Midajah & Shakira) vs. Douglas in the Asylum for the U.S. "Title".

Backstage, Hogan watches the monitor.

QH 8

Kidman (with Torrie) v. Sting. Change this completely around so that Kidman wins clean (what a concept!), then have Vampiro run in and attack Sting. Leave Kronic out of this.

Reasoning: Kidman looks a little better if he actually beats Sting by himself before Hogan punks him out.

Jarrett vs. Ric Flair in a "World Heavyweight Title" match.

David refs.

Russo and R&B SECURITY bring out Beth & Reid.

Overrun

Jarrett hits The Stroke on Ric and wins the match.

Now isn't that better?

I kept Goldberg away from Nash and out of the New Blood/Millionaires' Club feud on purpose. I think it's too early for him to take sides, and I'm honestly not sure which side I would put him on.

You can make a good argument from either side: he is a marquee name in the business and is sure to elicit envy from some of the other younger wrestlers who haven't gotten the push that he did. On the other hand, he, too, has fallen victim to what Russo called "the political b.s. in the back," and would give the NeW blOod some much-needed star power to - oh, I don't know - make them seem like a legitimate threat.

But don't make him choose a side yet (if at all), as he could be the guy who turns this whole thing one way or the other.