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Matt Spaulding

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THE IDEA MAN

SCENE: MATT SPAULDING (me) is in Atlanta, Georgia on a mini-vacation looking for a new job. He's in a coffee shop reading the paper when he hears TED TURNER's voice.

TURNER: Hey! You! Over there!

ME (looks up) What? Me?

TURNER: Yeah. You, with the glasses and the Eagles cap. You got a minute?

ME: Sure.

Ted - surrounded by eight white men in identical suits - walks over and sits down next to him.

TURNER: I need some help. Can you write at all?

ME: Yeah.

TURNER: Think you could write scripts for one of my shows?

ME: Which one?

TURNER: World Championship Wrestling.

I give Ted the People's Eyebrow.

ME: You're serious?

TURNER: Well, people keep saying anybody off the street can do a better job writing than the people I've got working for me now.

ME: All right. But I want Russo money. Or at least Terry Taylor's.

TURNER: I don't think that'd be fair to the Kevins.

ME: Screw the Kevins. We all know where relying on them has gotten you.

TURNER: I can give you Bill Banks's salary to start.

ME: Throw in Jane's phone number and we've got a deal.

TURNER: All right, but I'll have to talk it over with my idea men (motions to his accomplices).

ME: Ted, please... I'm your Idea Man.

And thus, the "Idea Man" column was born. Of course, the real reason I'm writing this style of column is because CRZ's other minions have got all of the shows covered.

What this is, is I'm going to book all of the Big Three's programs (hypothetically, of course) and see if I can come up with anything as logical and entertaining (or, in WCW's case, more so) as what THEIR plans are... of course, if I was any good, I'd actually be WORKING for one of them instead of writing a column for CRZ's website PRETENDING that I have the slightest clue as to how to book a wrestling show - hey, sort of like what's going on in WCW right now!

Speaking of WCW, we'll start there since, as screwed up as the booking situation is at the moment, all the injuries and defections actually make my job easier.

WCW has got to start taking some chances and elevating the talent they have left. So what do they give us for the main event at SuperBrawl? Sid vs. Jeff Jarrett for the World Title. Why? Because it's all they've got, and it doesn't look good. Only two men - Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit - have ever been able to carry Sid to halfway decent matches. Jarrett's a good worker, but he won't be number three.

The main problem here is that the WCW World Title's been passed around like an offering plate in an empty church lately, and nobody seems to want it, deserve it, or stay healthy enough to keep it. Personally, I wouldn't have been so quick to strip Bret Hart of the belt until I knew how long he'd be out, but what's done is done.

An aside: Count me among those who didn't think Vince Russo was given enough time to turn WCW around. But if it's true that he suggested that TANK ABBOTT (?!) win the strap at Souled Out in a battle royal, then he got what he deserved.

This isn't where you take your chances, WCW. Put Sid over at SuperBrawl, but give the strap back to Bret as soon as he comes back. Please. Let's not turn the WCW World Title into a running joke like...

The WCW tag team titles. I'm sorry, but David (Total Lack of) Flair and Crowbar? The Marmalades? Three Crap? THIS is your three-way tag title feud? The only one of these teams I'm willing to accept right now is Big Vito and Johnny, and then only if Disco turns on them and hooks up with Lash LeRoux again. Three Count might not suck if they'd get rid of Karagias and concentrate on the guys with actual ring skills. And David Flair has no business in a circus ring, much less a wrestling ring. But I digress. I'm avoiding the big picture.

WCW's tag team scene is in a shambles, and the only two men fit to hold the straps are both on the injured list right now. But as soon as Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are healthy, give them the belts. Just give them the belts. Hell, Nash is the commissioner right now; he can just take the belts from whoever has them and give them to himself and his buddy Scotty. And once the Outsiders have the belts, let them keep them for a while. You're seeing the WWF do this right now with the New Age Outlaws. The belts are on their signature tag team while the quality undercard teams get pushed to top contender status. Give Hall and Nash a long, old-school-style run with the belts, WCW, since, quite frankly, you have no other good alternatives right now.

Is the cruiserweight division dead? We may finally find out after this tournament that's now down to Psychosis vs. whatever the hell Prince Iaukea's gimmick is these days, and the aforementioned Lash vs. Three Crap's Shannon Moore. No disrespect to Lash or Shannon, but Psychosis is clearly the best of the four, and if he doesn't go over here, kiss the CW division goodbye. It's the same situation as the tag team belts: it needs to be on a standard bearer, and Psyc is the closest thing they have to one right now. (For all you RSPW voters out there, his Mask vs. Hair match on Nitro got my vote as Match of the Year, mostly because I actually saw it as opposed to the No Mercy ladder match.)

Although, the argument could be made that the tag team division could be fixed faster by eliminating the cruiserweight division and pairing those guys off. Again, IF BOOKED RIGHT, this might actually work. Think about it: the WWF's probably hesitant to bring back its Light Heavyweight division because most of the guys that could be in it are in some way part of its red-hot tag scene (Hardys, Edge/Christian, Too Cool, Kaientai).

Small Packages:

  • Insert your standard "Booker T.'s being held down by the man" rant here.

  • This budding Hogan-Luger thing (Battle of the Two Worst Finishers in Wrestling History?) had BETTER end with Sting coming back and beating them both down like red-headed stepchildren (apologies to all the red-headed stepchildren out there reading this) or I will be HIGHLY pissed.

    The big news out of ECW is that eternal TV champ Rob Van Dam broke his ankle at a recent TV taping and will likely miss the Living Dangerously PPV in March. The timing is especially critical because he was on his way to a four-way feud with ECW World Champion Mike Awesome, Sabu, and Masato Tanaka. So the big question is, what happens to the TV title?

    The answer is simple: Have Super Crazy and Tajiri take their feud to the next level, and have both men stake a claim to the TV title. Throw in Jerry Lynn (if he's recovered from his latest rib injury in time) and make it a three-way dance at the PPV. Put the belt on the deserving Lynn if he's healthy, otherwise either of the other two can go over.

    When Van Dam comes back, recycle the angle the WWF used back in late 1993-early 1994 with Shawn Michaels, Razor Ramon, and the two Intercontinental title belts. Have RVD claim (like Michaels did) that since nobody beat him, he was still the champ. This works even better if it's Lynn on the other side, since it'll eventually lead to a final blowoff and an ending to their feud at the following PPV... with RVD losing the match. (For all of you Van Dam haters out there - and from what I read on the 'net, you come in droves - here's the perfect ending; Rob goes for the Van Daminator, but Lynn (or whoever) smartens up and hits him with the chair.)

    Up in Stamford, it's three weeks until No Way Out, and it looks like we can safely write in the following:

    Rock vs. Big Show for the #1 Contendership to the WWF Title;

    Kane vs. X-Pac (again);

    The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudley Boyz.

    There's something missing, though... an opponent for WWF Champion Triple H. The guy I've got in mind has probably suffered more at the hands of the McMahon-Helmsley Era than anyone. He hasn't had a featured match on a PPV since last summer, and he just recently got his first piece of Federation gold from a man who was previously involved in one of the most widely panned angles of last year.

    I'm talking about Test.

    The big man from Toronto hasn't said a word about what happened at Armageddon when Stephanie turned her back on her family - and him - and ended up in HHH's arms. It's time for him to get fed up and cut a killer promo. Make the fans care about how angry he is that HHH took the person he cared about the most away from him. Make the fans believe that he's on a mission now to take from HHH the only thing he really cares about - the WWF title. Make it plain that he isn't trying to impress Stephanie - something along the lines of, "You can keep the little bitch," should suffice - and make it known that he doesn't care who he faces at WrestleMania if he wins.

    That last part won't matter, of course, because Test won't win. WrestleMania 2000 will be all about the Rock and HHH. But if the match is booked right, Test can get a major rub in defeat that'll make him look like a viable contender for...

    The Intercontinental title, currently held by Chris Jericho, who has Chyna watching his back, probably looking for the best place to put the knife. I think it's time for her to turn heel for her own good... she's gotten boring as a babyface.

    When Chyna finally turns on Jericho, they should square off again at No Way Out... and Chyna should win the strap after an X-Pac run-in.

    Stay with me, I beg you.

    The next night on RAW, relive the "Finger Poke" HHH and HBK did over the European Title a couple of years ago, with Chyna dropping the belt to X-Pac (who should go over Kane cleanly just because it's time for both guys to move on)... and re-joining DX, which has been collecting women like Pok=E9mon recently anyway. A suitably enraged Jericho declares his own war on X-Pac and DX, and Test jumps into the fray (and sets up at least a Triple Threat IC Title Match at WrestleMania) looking for revenge after a February full of DX beatdowns.

    The DX beatdowns come as a result of the WCW 4's entrance, and with Eddie Guerrero out of action (DAMN that elbow!) for a while, I say plug Test into their feud with DX to get him closer to HHH. This could also lead to some hot tag matches, possibly going up to ten men if you include Rock and Big Buff... er, Big Show.

    The Hardys currently have a hot issue with the Dudleys, and by extension, the Acolyte Protection Agency, but they've also still got a beef with DX, who spent the weeks between Survivor Series and Armageddon screwing the Hardys out of the tag team titles. It's time for Matt and Jeff to return the favor, running in during an Outlaws-Dudleys title match on RAW or SmackDown! and causing the Outlaws to lose the straps. This does two things: 1) It frees the Outlaws to duel with some combination of Benoit/Malenko/Saturn; and 2) it elevates the Hardys-Dudleys feud and throws in the Acolytes and Edge and Christian as outside accessories. Put the belts on the Hardys in a four corners title match at No Way Out, then send them and Edge and Christian to WrestleMania in a non-gimmick title match that should light up the crowd.

    Turn Al Snow heel again and have him take the Hardcore belt from Test. Then have him run down Mick Foley, since their post-Survivor Series feud was never really settled. Mick brings back Mankind, and they battle at WrestleMania for the Hardcore title, which Mankind wins... and then retires. The belt, not Mick... I don't think his in-ring career is going to end there, especially with his comments about not wanting to leave with Austin's status still up in the air.

    Think I'm on to something? Think I'm certifiable? E-mail me.

    Matt Spaulding
    freelance

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