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Elliot Sparks

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BOUTS WITH CLOUT: MEMORABLE MATCHES OF 1999
Part One: January

Good evening, friends, lovers, and total strangers.

As you'll realise soon enough, I'm Elliot Sparks, and this is a month-by-month review of my favourite matches from 1999. Not just the best matches, but the year's most memorable matches will be given some kind of acknowledgment or review. Of course, that's just a potted version of this article's rich history - but if it's good enough for me, I'm sure it's good enough for you.

Thanks to the existence of the space-time continuum, this first edition will detail the merry month of January. It was a month of 31 days, 744 hours, 44,640 minutes, and 2,678,400 internet reports claiming Hulk Hogan really had retired. It also produced 11 supremely swanky wrestling matches, and that's where the introduction stops.


Mankind vs The Rock
WWF, aired January 4th
(Raw Is War, no disqualification WWF World title match)

This is a great starting point. Since it wasn't a fantastic match by any stretch of the imagination, it should shatter the illusion that my favourite matches were technical wrestling exhibitions. What made this special was its outcome, its atmosphere, and other little things us Mick Foley marks care about. Call me sentimental if you can spell it, but Mick's World title win is a bit of a tear-jerker - the sort of match to watch with a box of tissues, a box of chocolates, and a group of emotionally unstable friends ....

The stage for the match was set by the Shane McMahon kidnap angle, where Mankind threatened to break Shane's arm if he didn't get a title match. Shane squirmed enough to make Vince agree - and it's nice to look back on days when non-wrestlers weren't as tough as actual wrestlers, isn't it? Anyway, Vince granted the match, and also complied with Mick's demand for no disqualifications. But remember; the slave begins by demanding justice, and ends by wanting to wear a crown. Not sure how that relates to this match, but it's a useful bit of philosophy.

Since this was a no disqualification match, the Rock brought the whole Corporation to watch his back. To counterbalance, Mankind brought the whole of DX to watch the Corporation beat him up. With the cast of thousands somehow squeezing into the ringside area, the match was underway. Rocky started as per usual, battering Mick with a flurry of right hands. Well, it was only one hand, but Rock used it repeatedly. He knocked Mankind to the floor, suplexed him on the mats, and took his place at the commentary table. Displacing Michael Cole to the joy of millions, his speech barely got underway when Mankind awoke from his coma. Knocking the champ into the timekeeper's table, Manny took the spare headset himself, and mumbled something like 'dogger sierra alpha two'. Not a fan of the shipping report, the Rock got back to his feet and cracked Mick with the ring bell.

Then, in the spot of the match, Rocky drove Mankind through the announcer's table with a Rock Bottom. Sadly, Michael Cole survived. Back in the ring, the champ didn't go for a cover, and instead continued slapping Mankind around. He finally covered him after a side Russian legsweep, and to his credit, the Rock is one of few young American wrestlers who can do the Russian legsweep well. Of course, he only scored two, and Mankind soon came back with a running clothesline. Rock immediately regained the lead, using a lousy back-elbow, a slam, and the People's - nay, Corporate Elbow. The crowd popped huge for the kickout, and by feeding off the crowd's energy Mick made another comeback with a swinging neckbreaker. This time the Bossman ended Mick's momentum, allowing the Rock to clock him with the World title belt - but again Mick kicked out, and again the crowd went berzerk.

So our hero got to his feet, ducked a second belt shot, and DDT'd the champ onto his own title. Finally on a hot streak, Mankind retrieved Mr. Socko from parts unknown and applied the Mandible Claw. It took him a while to realise that was his cue, but Ken Shamrock eventually ran in and broke the hold with a vicious chairshot. Similarly, it took Billy Gunn a while to realise that was his cue, but he eventually ran in to take out Shamrock. As they brawled out of the ring, a mass DX/Corporation bar fight broke out, which looked a little silly without a bar. Still, mentioning anything connected with beer was enough to attract one man; as the glass broke, the crowd erupted, and Steve Austin charged the ring. Wielding a chair, he levelled the Rock with a shot to the skull, pulled Mankind on top, and in 8:50 we had a new WWF champion: Mick Foley! The crowd went even more insane, the Corporation retreated, and Mick was handed his title. Doing a limp of honour and dedicating the! win to his kids, Mister Foley made this a really classy title change. Which is more than you can say about the Halftime Heat match ....

Still, this was fun. As I said earlier, this wasn't great, but it was as enjoyable as a middle-quality match could possibly be. It told a nice little story, there were some nice bumps, the crowd loved it, and the finish made it one of the most memorable matches in the history of Raw. Even things I usually dislike worked well - giving the only example I can think of, I actually liked Steve Austin's music playing for his run-in. Usually it makes matches look over-produced, but with the atmosphere here it only added to the occasion. Watching this match ranks alongside singing to Suede's 'Sleeping Pills' as a way to perk the spirits. Only difference is I can watch this match sober.

***


Shinjiro Ohtani + Tatsuhito Takaiwa vs Kendo Ka Shin + Dr. Wagner Jr.
NJPW, took place January 4th
(Tokyo Dome, IWGP Junior heavyweight tag title match)

This is quaint: as soon as I emphasise that I don't just like the world's best wrestling matches, here come four of the world's best wrestlers. Or, at least, two of the world's best wrestlers and their respectable partners. That might be irony, it might not - but any way you look at it, this was a damned good match. Here we had straight-forward ass-kickers Ohtani and Takaiwa defending their tag titles against Kendo Ka Shin, a pseudo-martial artist with a PhD in laziness, and Dr. Wagner Jr., a big-boned luchadore with superhuman body odour.

Joining the match in progress, Wagner was busy with his selection of girthy dives, which are always good for a laugh. He immediately planted Ohtani with a missile dropkick, and a splash scored a two count. He missed a rolling senton, allowing Ohtani to tag in the human equivalent of a brick wall, Tatsuhito Takaiwa. The stockier half of the champions immediately killed Wagner with a lariat, a powerslam, and a Death Valley bomb, and gave Ka Shin a kicking for wearing those poncey pants. Wagner won a battle on home turf, as he knocked Takaiwa off the top rope and followed up with a rolling senton for two. After using a weird submission hold that had 'acid trip' written all over it, the Doc hit a crucifix powerbomb for a near fall. Takaiwa sloppily slipped out of a second attempt and tagged Ohtani, while Wagner tagged Ka Shin.

Ka Shin exploded (figuratively) with a swinging jujigatame, which Ohtani barely managed to escape, and then leapt into a rolling zizujujigatame. More unpronouncable submissions led to Ka Shin placing Ohtani on the top rope, but as he climbed up to meet him, Takaiwa came underneath and grabbed Kendo on his shoulders. Ohtani then got back to the top, and the champs hit a lurverly missile dropkick/powerbomb combo. Takaiwa followed through to make it a triple powerbomb, earning a near fall and huge crowd heat in the process. Ohtani followed up even better, knocking the earth, wind and fire out of Ka Shin with a Dragon suplex, a springboard dropkick, and a supremely tasty spiral bomb. Dr. Wagner broke up the final fall, and got into an immovable object/immovable object battle with Takaiwa. But then, out of nowhere, Ka Shin ran up to the top rope and locked Ohtani in a flying jujigatame for the win! Ladies and gentlemen, in 7:22 we had new IWGP Junior tag champs: Kendo Ka Shi! n and Dr. Wagner Jr! Which was nice - even though we only got to see half the 14:22 match ...

But if you're looking for a taster of New Japan's Junior heavyweight division, this would do just fine. Lots of fun stuff, all the trademark spots, and a crowd being very un-Japanese by actually looking alive. There was nothing outstanding, but it's a good example of NJPW's day-to-day operations. And as per usual, Shinjiro Ohtani wrestled like (an admittedly skinny) God. So it's good stuff, Pete.

***1/2


Rob Van Dam vs Lance Storm
ECW, took place January 10th
(Guilty As Charged, ECW TV title match)

By and large, ECW fans can be neatly spliced with the aid of this match. Half of the current fanbase consists of highspot-fixated adrenaline junkies who want to have Rob Van Dam's children (but only for a few hours one weekend). The other half consists of disenchanted fans who see ECW as the last true wrestling promotion in North America - people who would entertain the idea of bearing Lance Storm's offspring, if only for the sake of a good punchline (something I'd really like around now). Sit an ECW fan in front of this match, observe who they root for, and classify them thusly. Me? I was cheering for both guys, since I'm a Libran. We're notoriously indecisive, so I've got a perfectly good excuse. Regardless, I think this match had something for every ECW fan.

Following Storm's pro-Canada pre-match speech (which seemed to last fifteen minutes) and Van Dam's ring entrance (which really did last fifteen minutes), the match started off tentatively. Lots of cautious reaches and grabs were puncuated with posing from both men, and the mandatory 'Show your tits' chant for Tammy Lynn Bytch. When the two returned to action, a slick cross-up segment ended with Storm locking on the rolling half crab. He released the hold to save Tammy Lynn Bytch from Bill Alfonso, who Storm understandably confused with some sort of vole. While fending off Alfonso, Storm left his guard open and ate a huge flying legdrop from Van Dam. This cued the first of several floor-based segments, peaking with Van Dam's corkscrew legdrop from the apron to the floor. RVD scored a two count in the ring, but Storm hit back with a lurverly superkick, a jawbeaker, and his clothesline/elbow/dropkick combination. After checking their immunisations, the two went back into t! he crowd, where Storm hit a reverse DDT and a man-sized plancha.

As the two returned to the ring, Storm continued the theme that he was out-thinking Van Dam's aerial moves, this time crotching him on the top rope. Climbing up for a belly-to-back superplex, Lance continued the bollocking by picking Van Dam up for the move - and dropping him right back onto the turnbuckle. Ouch. When he did go for the superplex proper, Rob flipped out and crushed Storm with a corkscrew legdrop. He followed up by locking him in a surfboard, which unfathomably cued Joey Styles to talk about Van Dam's supple thighs. Moving back into fairly heterosexual territory, Van Dam followed up with a tumbling senton, but Storm hit a superb springboard back-elbow. He continued with a cartwheel clothesline, but - after a nice duck 'n' weave segment - was inevitably introduced to the Van Daminator. Storm sold like a millionaire, rolling to the floor like absolute dead weight. Things got even better when RVD rolled him into the ring, as he suddenly awoke with a low blow and a ! small package, looking like a master criminal unveiling his master plan. Masterful.

Van Dam slightly screwed it up by kicking out and hitting a killer spinning heel kick - momentarily forgetting that Storm had spent most of the match destroying the external parts of his reproductive system. The TV champ followed through with another Van Daminator, but - gasp! - the referee took the fall. Storm capitalised with a Lance Storminator, but the ref was unconscious. A bitch-slapping from Tammy Bytch failed to awake the official, as did a saliva bath from Bill Alfonso, so Van Dam's top rope Van Daminator also went unnoticed. Again, Storm sold the move suspiciously well - and again it was a ruse, as he rolled away from RVD's subsequent frog splash. Lance got right to work, setting off an imperiously cool set of reversals and pin attempts, which ended with Rob's German suplex - and amazingly, it got the pin! In 18:52, Rob Van Dam retained the Television championship ....

One complaint about Rob Van Dam's matches (or, to be specific, Rob Van Dam himself) is their supreme lack of coordination. But to give him his due, he can be bloody exciting. Similarly, one complaint about Lance Storm's matches (or, to be specific, the only complaint about Lance Storm's matches) is that they sometimes get a tad boring. But to give him his due, Storm can pace a match extraordinarily well. What made this match special was the superb combination of styles; the superb pacing of Storm combined with the superb highspots of Van Dam. The end result was, er .... superb. I can't say enough about it.

****1/4


Tommy Dreamer vs Justin Credible
ECW, took place January 10th
(Guilty As Charged, Stairway to Hell match. Apparently.)

Throughout history, the ladder match has proved to be one of pro wrestling's greatest assets. The format rooted out four of the best matches this decade, not to mention a handful of rare gold between times. It's recognised as the gimmick of Shawn Michaels, despite the fact it's a Hart invention, but the fact remains the same: it's associated with the most talented wrestlers in the whole of history. So what happens when you put a cripple against a man widely regarded as a talentless fuckwit, and stick a ladder between them - with a Kendo stick strung from the roof? This, actually ....

Starting off with a hi-octane exchange of chops, whips, reversals and such, this initially looked like any of the three million other Dreamer/Credible matches. All the usuals were in place; Tommy dropped Justin with a spinebuster, a clothesline over the top, a hotshot onto the guard rail, yadda yadda yadda. Back in the ring, Justin hit back with a reverse DDT onto a chair and the pull-em-off-the-ropes Ligerbomb for two. More familiar ground was covered on the entryway, as Dreamer's face was introduced to the steel chair, courtesy of a drop toehold. Nicole Bass' S&M bitchslap seemed good enough reason for Dreamer to return to the ring, and he understandably retreated. There he scored with a nice Russian legsweep, a chair-assisted facebuster, and the Dreamer Driver. While Justin leafed through The Complete Idiot's Guide To Selling, Tommy fetched the ladder from the aisle and set it up between the apron and guard rail. Before Justin even finished the foreword of the book, Dreamer! dropped him face-first on the ladder, before slingshot suplexing him into it in the ring. Justin's 'if I spit out some water people will think I'm in pain' selling really didn't look good with those bumps.

Working on more familiar ground, he sold a powerslam onto the ladder very nicely, before Dreamer missed a second rope elbowdrop onto the ladder. Showing a hint of psychology, Justin went to work on the injured arm with a nasty chairshot, but Dreamer sent him into orbit with an awesome whip into the ladder. As he went to meet Justin on the floor, Dreamer got caught with a suplex from the apron, which probably made his chiropractor happy. As the ten minute mark came and went, it was time for a spot of pointless interference. Jason came and went, but Jazz hit Dreamer with a slightly improbable snap suplex. Jason followed up with a clothesline, and things returned to the slightly less ridiculous norm. Nicole Bass accidentally assisted Dreamer's battle on Justin's testicles, allowing our hero to stun Credible with a Death Valley Driver. Following with some nice ladder spots, Dreamer began the climb for the Kendo stick, but got knocked off at the last moment. In one of the more uniq! ue spots of the match, Justin used the ladder to lever Dreamer over the top rope, and made a foiled climb of his own.

Justin formed something resembling an advantage with two turnbuckle whips, a spinning DDT, and the Three Stooges ladder decapitation skit. Then, adhering to ladder match bylaw 37b, Justin brought the reserve ladder out from beneath the ring. A bloody Dreamer then hit the bump of the match, jumping from one ladder to the other, hitting Justin with a second-storey Dreamer Cutter. This finally gave him time to retrieve the Kendo stick and hit a leaping DDT from the ladder, but it didn't give him the necessary hand/eye coordination to tie Credible in the ropes. This gave Terry Funk the chance to level the Hardcore Icon with a trash can shot, which Justin followed with a vicious Kendo stick shot. One That's Incredible onto the ladder later, the time was 18:51, and we had ourselves a winner: Justin Credible. Even though Dreamer was practically dead in the ring, Justin and entourage decided to run for their lives as soon as the bell rang - leaving Funk to dribble over Tommy's ! carcass. I hope senility isn't infectious ....

This was fun. Justin's selling was totally overblown and did take the edge off the intense atmosphere, but everything else worked well. The bumps were stiff and creative without being excessively violent - which was nice - and the whole thing was pulled off with surprising accuracy. It was a good way to end the Dreamer/Credible feud, but it's a shame the Dreamer/Funk feud never reached a conclusion. And before you ask, no - I'm not a masochist. I've just got a soft spot for Funk. Somewhere. Regardless, this was a good way of wasting 20 minutes, and the first of the year's great ladder matches.

****


Kenta Kobashi vs Vader
AJPW, taped January 15th
(All Japan TV, Number one contendership match)

For the benefit of readers not acquainted with All Japan Pro Wrestling, here's the background for this match: Vader beat seven shades of heck out of Kobashi. Kobashi wanted revenge, and in this number one contenders match he got a chance to extract it. The background story isn't as complex as anything scripted by a booker named Vince, but there lies its beauty: the story didn't matter, so I was totally focused on the wrestling. Better still, the wrestling was quite enticing in its own right; the excellent Kobashi against the revitalised Vader for the first time in history. Mmmmm ....

Wiping the drool off my chin, we cut to the start of the match. While the introductions were being made, Kobashi and Vader stared each other down like men with a medical complaint that makes it quite difficult to blink. The bell rang, and the two started wrestling. Not exactly living up to their bloodwar billing, Kobashi and Vader spent the first few minutes running through amateur-style matwork. It was Vader that eventually brought some life into the match, and Kobashi responded with bunches of punches, chops aplenty, and a diving shoulderblock. The referee pulled Kobashi off Vader when he punched his mask loose, but Kenta went right back with a jujigatame armlock. Vader made it to the ropes and rolled to the floor. Vader came back in with punches to Kobashi's injured forehead, which he'd lacerated earlier on the tour, and followed with a lariat and Dragon sleeper - moves that conveniently hit Kobashi right in the face.

His subsequent splash scored a two count, but Kenta came back with a dropkick to the knee, and a pair of legwhips. Vader put the knee offense on hold with a punch to the face, presumeably infecting Kobashi's cut with evil Vader germs. Shocking the world by lifting his feet more than six inches off the ground, Vader knocked Kobashi to the floor and layed in some surprisingly good kicks. He followed with a powerbomb on the mats, which was a bit weak, and a chairshot to the head, which was not. Back in the ring, another splash scored a close near-fall, while Kobashi did his best to convey pain and desparation through the medium of shaking like a looney. Starting a path of rage not unlike another guy in orange tights, Kobashi hit back with a nice DDT and some pneumatic chops. He followed with an okay-ish pescado, and a bunch of homogenous brawling on the floor. He then dusted off the two-guys-try-to-suplex-each-other-over-the-top-rope routine, which ended in a stalemate. Thankfull! y.

Both men returned to the ring, where Kobashi somehow managed a vertical suplex and a belly-to-back for two. Proving that being chunky truly is funky, Kenta followed with a big missile dropkick and a moonsault. Vader dodged the moonsault, although how Kobashi missed the blubbery mass of Leon White is anyone's guess. Still, Kobashi kept the advantage, following up with a side Russian legsweep. Vader came back with a lariat and began to climb the buckles, but Kenta caught him with a powerslam from the top. Double K followed with the meanest 260 lb moonsault in wrestling, and the referee added a nice touch by bouncing up from the shock wave. But again, Vader somehow came back, scaring the horses with a moonsault of his own. Continuing the killer heel routine, Vader hit an awesome German suplex and two Vader bombs for a huge near-fall. Quickly following up with a second rope splash, Vader scored the pin in 16:59, securing himself a shot at the All Japan Triple Crown. We'll t! alk about that after class.

This was a very good match in its own right, but it's all the better considering it was their first ever singles match. Like Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley, they just had instant chemistry. Even though the mat wrestling at the start seemed out of place, the match built well enough to compensate; it went from restrained matwork to super-heated finale without a single hitch. Not a typical All Japan match, but a nice example of what Vader can do in his new environment. Still, I wonder if the cost of rice has gone up since Leon arrived in Japan ....

***3/4


Billy Kidman vs Juventud Guerrera vs Psicosis vs Rey Misterio Jr.
WCW, took place January 17th
(Souled Out, WCW Cruiserweight title match)

This one's a bit of an oddity; a North American match without a monolithic setup story. In fact, there's not really anything to distinguish this from any of WCW's other billion Cruiserweight title matches. The only distinguishing feature I can think of is Swami Schiavone's excellent pre-match prediction: '1999 is going to be a great year for WCW.' Yeah, Tony hit the nail right on the head there. Moving into slightly more accurate territory, this started off with a typically excellent Kidman/Misterio sequence - two minutes of excellent flips and twists ending in a double cross-body collission. Which looked pretty damned painful, I've gotta admit. With both faces suffering from the cross-body, Juvi and Psicosis came in to rape, pillage and plunder their green and pleasant lands. This first sneak-attack drew hardly any heat, but it was important in establishing everyone's roles in the match.

After recovering, Rey and Billy got back to their feet and indulged in a hesitant retread of their last sequence. When this ended in a stalemate, Rey tagged in Juventud and Kidman tagged in Psicosis. The two heels reluctantly tied up, exchanging a few chops and rolling cradles. When this ended in another stalemate, Psico and Juvi went to tag out again - and when the faces jumped off the apron, the rudos refused to fight. Kidman and Misterio then came back in for a chat, but ended up pounding the plaque off the rudos' teeth. Then the double-teaming set in. First, Kidman whipped Psicosis into Rey's tilt-a-whirl backbreaker (which looked slightly improbable), then Rey launched Juventud into Kidman's Rydeen bomb (which looked superb). Kidman then plastered Psico with a top rope cross-body block, but Juvi's interference allowed Psicosis to come back with a gourdbuster. Psicosis - looking strangely like the ghost of Jushin Liger in his all-white outfit - tagged Guerrera in, and the ! fresh man hit Kidman with a top rope rana.

The rudos then dumped both faces on the floor, but began arguing whether rat tastes better boiled or battered. This allowed Rey and Kidman to sneak up behind them with twin powerbombs, sending them from the apron to the floor. By now the crowd was really getting into the match, having been slowly sucked in ever since the first Juvi/Psicosis sneak attack. The huge pops continued for Rey and Kidman's Doomsday Device on Juventud, Kidman's tope con hilo, and Rey's foiled springboard rana. Then the alliances began to break down, thanks to a series of miscues - not to be confused with the ladies' snooker awards known as Miss Cues. Sorry. Anyway, Juvi planted Psicosis with an awesome Air Juvi, then Rey flattened Kidman even more with a somersault plancha. The heels sorted out their problems when they agreed that rat actually tastes best raw, but the faces didn't quite sort things out - which meant the next few minutes were all rudo. A slightly disjointed orgy of dropkicks, hurancanra! nas, dives and Juvi Drivers peaked with Psicosis hitting both faces - laying on the floor - with another excellent tope con hilo. The momentum swung when Psicosis missed a pescado, before eating a huge Misterio rana to the floor. This left Kidman and Juvi in the ring, where the champ hit a reverse DDT and the shooting star press to break every bone in Guerrera's body. In 14:31, we had our winner: Billy Kidman ....

Now, the one thing that tainted this match was its predecessor: the Starrcade three-way between Rey, Juvi and Kidman. One of the three best American matches of 1998, everyone knew this wasn't going to touch it for quality. And they were right. It was a really fun match, but it lacked the polished prenagrations of its supremely tapratic relative. I think the fairest way to rate this would not be in comparison with Starrcade, but as a match in its own right - and on those terms, it works well. Nothing mind-blowing, but one of two very good reasons for purchasing Souled Out.

***3/4


Bill Goldberg vs Scott Hall
WCW, took place January 17th
(Souled Out, Ladder/tazer match)

I remember when the WWF was infested with awful gimmicks based around career stereotypes. We had ineffectual performers playing ineffective characters like garbagemen (Duke Droese), dentists (Isaac Yankem), and pro wrestlers (both of the above). But in all the time that the career stereotype was Vince McMahon's main source for ideas, never did we get anything like this; a match that could well have been between a window cleaner (hence the ladder) and a security guard (hence the tazer). Then again, this match was really entertaining - but between 1984 and 1992 that sort of thing was banned from WWF TV, so this doesn't fit all the trends of the time. I only wish I was joking.

Prior to the match, there was an angle where Hall and Nash attacked Goldberg in his dressing room, injuring his knee. Goldberg entered wearing a knee brace, doing a shockingly good job of selling the injury. At first he downplayed it, trying to cover the injury through the first exchanges, where he just absorbed the Outsider's punches and short-arm shoulderblocks. He came back with a short-arm clothesline, a bodyslam, and a nice powerslam, but Hall had already started work on the injured knee. The Outsider took the leg apart well enough, driving into it with elbowdrops, smashing it into the ring apron, and wrapping it around the ring post. Meanwhile, one could hear the sound of thousands of jaws dropping, as Goldberg did a really good job selling. At this point, the boys started fighting in the aisle, while Bobby and Tony's analysis of Goldberg's predicament was the closest they came to good commentary all year.

Back with the match, Goldberg retrieved the ladder, but Hall baseball slid it into his legs. Nefarious Means kept the ball in Hall's court, and he eventually set up the ladder mid-ring. As he climbed for the tazer, he dropped an elbow from halfway up - a nice move for anyone, but a killer bump by Hall's standards. He continued his unlikely bump routine by taking a back suplex off the ladder, but repayed the favour by battering Goldberg with the ladder. This opened a wicked hardway cut on Goldberg's forehead, apparently fuelling his desire to batter a man named Hall. He knocked him off the ladder, hit a running clothesline, whipped him into and smashed him with the ladder - delivering everything with enough caution to remind us of the knee injury. A slow ascent gave Hall another chance to play Shawn Michaels, dropkicking Goldberg from the ladder. Goldie repayed the knock by shoving off Hall on his next climb, with the slightly botched crotch spot looking far more effective than! it was meant to.

With Hall dead from the waist down, our hero got the chance to climb unhindered, but Disco Inferno ran in to knock him off - face first, unguarded, into the turnbuckles. Really nasty bump. This gave the Outsider the chance to retrieve the tazer, but a superkick knocked it out of his hands. While an insane woman in the front row had something approaching a fit, Goldberg went out to the floor, where he jabbed Disco with the world's deadliest toy weapon. Back in the ring, Goldberg teased Hall with the tazer, before delivering one of the best finishing sequences of the year; he threw the tazer in the air, watched Hall jump for it, and caught him with a Spear. Following with a Jackhammer and a tazer shot to the chest, Goldberg got the win in 17:38. The post-match party featured stand-up from Bam Bam Bigelow, and the show closed with everyone attacking everyone else ....

I'm a fan of Scott Hall and Bill Goldberg. I think both deserve more credit than they're allowed, insofar as they aren't totally crap. But this match swayed me to admit that Goldberg is a very promising wrestler, and Hall has still got plenty of life in him. Well crafted, this never grew predictable or repetetive, and it even had a few nice surprises up its sleeve (the bumps, the blood, and the finish). If only WCW had more matches like this.

****


Toshiaki Kawada vs Mitsuharu Misawa
AJPW, taped January 22nd
(All Japan TV, Triple Crown match)

Once again, let us delve into the background of the match for the benefit of the uninformed. Basically, Mitsuharu Misawa is the God of All Japan Pro Wrestling; there's probably a golden statue of him on every AJPW office desk. Here he was defending his fourth Triple Crown championship against Toshiaki Kawada, a slight hard-nut he used to go to school with. After a career-long feud, it was in 1998 that Kawada got his first major victory over Misawa, and this was their first match since then. Basically, it was a natural feud that built itself without too much forced creativity. Here everything was on the line; the Triple Crown, Kawada's reputation, Misawa's pride, and a whole lot of ticket sales. With 18,000 on hand for this TV taping, at least one of those items came away gleaming ....

As a pointless aside, Toshiaki Kawada has the shiniest bath-robe I've ever seen. Once you get a glimpse of it, you'll understand why he wears it to the ring. End of aside.

The match started with both men trying to psyche each other out, using the little-known technique of trying to look even more bored than the other guy. The 'action' started with a series of collar 'n' elbow tie-ups, which didn't go anywhere until Kawada floored Misawa with a roundhouse kick. He followed with a few kicks to the knee, and champion and challenger got into a Japanese stand-off; Misawa's forearms vs Kawada's high kicks. Toshi won the exchange with a jumping kick to the mush, but Misawa came back with an enzuigiri. A stiff forearm sent Kawada to the floor, but gravity made a mess of Misawa's tope suicida. Even though he barely scraped Kawada, Misawa acted like he got the better of the exchange - but hey, he's Mitsuharu Misawa: he can't be wrong. Back in the ring, everyone's favourite workrate idol hit a back suplex, but a Kawada high kick foiled a dive from the top rope. Misawa rolled to the apron to re-set his hair, but Kawada booted him off the apron, right! into the guard rail. Seriously nasty bump. On the floor, challenger whipped champion into the rail and booted him into the crowd. In the sneakiest move of the match, one of Misawa's adoring public sneezed right on the back of his head, bringing back memories of Bastion Booger's heyday.

Back in the ring, Kawada chopped the hell out of Misawa, floored him with kicks to the face, and hit a kneedrop for one. Toshi went for a powerbomb, which Misawa countered with a rana, but Kawada rolled to his feet and blasted Misawa with a boot to the face. Ouch. Kawada followed with a released German suplex, but Misawa got up first and unleashed more Deadly Elbows. Kawada quietly came back with kicks to the knee, but this only angered his mighty ruler. Misawa hit him with another bunch of forearms, and a regular Tiger Driver scored two. He followed with a Tiger Driver '91, which is basically a Tiger Driver that lands on the back of the neck, rather than the back. Kawada rolled to the floor to get a breather, but Misawa made a run for a Tiger Driver off the apron. The Toothless Wonder somehow escaped, but Misawa caught him with a rolling senton off the apron, followed by a released Tiger Suplex. Misawa made the mistake of going for another bunch of elbows, and Kawada ducked t! he Roaring Elbow to hit a backdrop driver - a belly-to-back suplex that lands right on top of the head. The backdrop driver is ideal for covering pattern baldness. With skull bruising.

Still, Kawada was back in the lead, and went to work on Misawa's left knee. A bunch of kicks and some matwork grounded the champ, but he rebounded from a kneebreaker with a mean forearm. Kawada evaded a Tiger suplex with an armdrag, and went right back to the knee. After taking a rest with a Cobra Twist, Kawada hit another German suplex and locked on the Dragon sleeper. Misawa refused to give, and made a Valiant Comeback with a missile dropkick. Predictably, Kawada got right up and kicked the heck out of Misawa's knee. He followed up with a figure four, complete with gum-flashing shrieks. The champ made it to the ropes and the hold was broken, and in a neat twist came back with kicks to Kawada's legs. He even remembered to kick with the healthy leg, the little trooper. This cued another Japanese standoff, and everyone started kicking and forearming the hades out of each other. Misawa somehow came out on top (I think he used a forearm), and planted Kawada with a s! uperb German suplex for two. Kawada escaped a Tiger Driver attempt and levelled the champ with a wicked brainbuster, earning another two count. Then, as Kawada went for a powerbomb, Misawa rolled backwards for a rana - but Kawada hung on, fell to his knees, and dropped Misawa right on the top of his head. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ganso Bomb has landed. With Misawa understandably playing dead, the crowd went nuts. They went even more nuts when he kicked out of Kawada's subsequent cover, but this only delayed the inevitable. The challenger dropped the champion with another brainbuster, and in 24:15 Toshiaki Kawada was the Triple Crown champion.

Of course, the main talking point here is the dreaded Ganso Bomb - the 'unprotected piledriver'. It was painful, it was improvised, and it was the most important wrestling move of the year. But don't believe the hype: it wasn't life-threatening. While all the puroresu freaks play this up as the most dangerous move known to man, it plainly isn't. It's far safer and more calculated than many admit, and Misawa was in no more danger than he was taking Kawada's brainbusters. The important thing is that his head wasn't more than an inch below Kawada's knees - this meant any compression in the neck would be minimal. It's the same principle that prevents regular piledrivers from crippling folks, and it really wasn't any more dangerous. But I will say this much: Toshiaki Kawada sure knows how to make stuff look dangerous.

Now, let's talk about the match as a whole. All things considered, this was very good. It built nicely, it was laden with subtle nuances, and the climax was typical Japanese fantasticism. I've never been a huge fan of Kawada's style, as it's quite difficult to get to grips with, but he worked well in this match. Misawa did enough to please practically everyone, and he started the year with another great performance. The action was rough in places, but that's understandable - after all, Kawada did break his arm in the match. After re-watching it several times, I think he cracked his forearm on Misawa's head when he chopped him from behind. Credit to Kawada, only once did I see him favouring the arm. And credit to Misawa, he looked remarkably sharp for someone who had a bone broken over his skull. Both guys really sucked it up, and we ended up with a really solid match. Not a classic in the traditional sense, but a solid match with some interesting oddity points. A good way to i! ntroduce oneself to All Japan.

****1/4



Mankind vs The Rock
WWF, took place January 24th
(Royal Rumble, WWF World title 'I Quit' match)

Amazingly, this was the first match between Mick and Rock in almost three weeks - at the time it seemed like they met every Monday and Sunday, so the 20 day rest was genuinely appreciated. This particular stip was set up in one of those superb mic battles on Raw is War, where the Rock said he quit trying to find a new stipulation for them to meet under - the quitting being the foundation for this match. Which is clever, no?

The match started completely, totally, and unrecognisably different from the last Mankind/Rock match; instead of Rocky punching Mick around the ring, Mick punched Rocky around the ring. A less-than brutal battering preceeded the knee to the face, some turnbuckle whips, and a pretty unconvincing bulldog. Mankind asked Rock to quit, but instead gave him a sound beating with the microphone. After one of the Rock's Jerry Springer comebacks, Mick clotheslined him over the top, but Rocky reversed a brutal whip into the stairs. The Rock took his place at the commentary table and began reciting the ten commandments, but Mankind used the house mic to chase him back into the ring. The champ followed with a double-arm DDT, and Mr. Socko applied the Mandible Claw. In a fairly neat twist, this knocked Rock out cold, meaning he couldn't say that he'd quit. Anything that gave Rocky a reason to shut the hell up made this match a better thing to watch.

After Rock's miraculous return to consciousness, the fight went into the crowd. Punch, kick, punch, kick, blah, blah, blah. As Mankind charged Rock, he got caught in a belly-to-belly back over the barrier. The ever-perceptive Michael Cole apparently saw a powerslam. The Rock then took his chance to batter Mick around ringside, holding the ring bell against his head and striking it with a hammer. That was really stupid, since it didn't look painful, but it certainly didn't do Mick's hearing any good. Next, the Cursed Spanish Announcers' Table wreaked its vengence, as the desk crumbled under the weight of Rock's ego and Mick's gut. Despite the Rock Bottom getting messed up, Mick still took a nasty bump, with his head landing smack on the concrete floor. Strangely, he got up first and beat the Rock down the aisle, where the blah blah blah resumed. Rock puncuated the kicks and punches with a wicked DDT on the floor, but Mankind still refused to quit.

Rock then fetched a ladder from a nearby hardware store, but it got booted into his face. Of course, Mankind's elbowdrop missed the Rock and hit the ladder, which looked supremely painful. Rock then set the ladder against a wall, and climbed up onto a balcony. Pause for thought: what in the name of Jim Bean was he going to do up there? Rock's not exactly a somersault senton type of guy, really. Overlooking the plot holes, Mankind followed him up to the balcony and the two gingerly exchanged punches while teetering on the edge. Inevitably, Mick took the fall, dropping about six feet down to a speaker stack, which exploded on impact. While Michael Cole ranted about Mankind falling 'fifteen feet' to a pile of 'electrical circuit boards', the lights went out in that segment of the arena. It was a nice touch, but the whole thing was too contrived to be impressive. Cole's hyperbole didn't add to the experience, either. Still, Mankind sold it like he was dead, and Shane McMahon came ! out to plead for mercy. Of course, the Rock refused and went back to the demolition.

The fight headed back to that big square thing in the middle of the arena, with Rocky commentating over the house mic. Proving he was as perceptive as Mikey Cole, Rock said Mankind was the stupidest man walking - when he was crawling down the aisle. Eventually they got back in the ring, where Rock applied a pair of handcuffs. Mick came back with a low blow, a kneedrop to the groin, and stomps aplenty. Inevitably, Rock came back with a clothesline, and he went to fetch a steel chair. Cue inhumane violence. First, Rock dropped Mankind with a chair-assisted Corporate Elbow, which didn't exactly look pleasant. Then he waited for Mick to get up, whereupon he smashed him with two nasty chairshots. The champ refused to give, so Rock planted him with three totally sick shots to the head. Again, Mankind refused to quit, so the pattern continued. The Rock battered Mankind out of the ring, up the aisle, and into the entranceway with 13 of the unluckiest chairshots ever seen. With ! Mick's forehead juicing like crazy, he collapsed in the entranceway. The Rock shoved the mic into his face, and over the PA Mankind shouted 'I quit! I quit!' Of course, it was pumped in from the sound truck, as part of another sinister Corporate plot. This meant in 22:10 we had a new WWF champion: The Rock ....

Some people called this a Match of the Year candidate. It did well in the RSPW awards, Dave Meltzer seemed to enjoy it, and Fin Martin included it in Power Slam's MotY shortlist. Consider that a list of people I don't agree with. Sure, this was impressive, but for all the wrong reasons. It told a dark and sensible story, but it was dressed with too many extremes. The exploding speaker stack was too hokey, the chairshots were just too violent, and the finish was just too clever. The voice over the PA was like the whole of the 1999 Royal Rumble; a clever angle, but not necessarily enjoyable in the confines of pro wrestling. Had those excesses been trimmed down, this might have been less impressive as a spectacle, but it would have been more enjoyable as a wrestling match. It was definitely good, but Match of the Year my ass.

***1/2




Shinjiro Ohtani vs Jushin Liger
NJPW, taped January 27th
(New Japan TV, Non-title match)

Okay, here's a complicated background story: Ohtani is a fantastic wrestler representing the new guard, Liger is a fantastic wrestler representing the old guard. Here they have a wrestling match. Okay, maybe the story's not that complicated, but it's as enthralling as they come: young vs old in a supercharged Junior heavyweight match. Good stuff indeed.

Joining the match in progress, skinny fiend Ohtani has Liger locked in some sort of sleeper. Liger broke the hold by reaching the ropes, and reversed Shinjiro's suplex into the sort of brainbuster that could make an ordinary man several inches shorter. Liger followed with a stiff shotay, a top rope rana, and a nice frog splash for two - and it was great to see Liger pulling off the aerial moves without his kneecaps falling off. Then, out of nowhere, Ohtani went right back to the sleeper, this time applied with free bodyscissors. The champ made it to the ropes, so Shinj went to the apron for a springboard dropkick. He then went to the floor because Liger's hand would have crushed his face if he didn't, but Jushin followed him out and delivered another killer brainbuster - this time on the floor mats. Judging by the look on Ohtani's face, New Japan crash mats are made of high density concrete laced with rusty nails - he really looked that pissed.

As Ohtani climbed back on the apron, his face absorbed more stiff shotays - but when Liger ran off for a charging shotay, Ohtani hit a huge springboard dropkick, went for a Dragon suplex, got blocked, settled for a German suplex, and scored a superb near fall. Wahey! Ohtani really knows how to make people mark out, as evidenced by the crowd's pop for the near fall. Ohtani also knows how to sell, as he proved when Liger finally hit that running shotay. A nasty bump. The champ followed up with a running Liger bomb for two, but Ohtani escaped the superplex and hit an awesome springboard spinning heel kick for a two-and-a-lot count. Of course, the crowd loved it. Part of Ohtani's appeal is that he's fun to watch, but the Japanese fans really respect him for the effort he makes. The fact that the move was superb had little to do with the big pop - it was the fact that everyone's favourite toothpick nearly defeated a legend. Not sure why I explained that, but it's an interesting pie! ce of trivia.

Back in the world of relevance, Shinj missed another springboard dropkick, and Liger hit back with a missile dropkick to the back of the head. Continuing the brain cell destruction, 'Thunder' planted Ohtani with a supremely stiff powerbomb, scoring one of those double-take near falls in the proces. But then, as Liger came trundling off the ropes, Ohtani swung up behind him and hit a Dragon suplex! Then, quick as an escaped convict, he scored a missile dropkick to the back of the head, and followed with an even better spiral bomb for the win in 8:40. We never got to see what Ohtani did to the ring announcer when he said it was a non-title match. And, for the record, 8:40 was the televised time, while the actual match lasted 19:43. Just think, somewhere in the New Japan cutting room, there's another 11:03 of this beauty gathering dust. Whatever happened to justice? And yeah, I know that's an opportunity for a Sid joke ....

All jesting aside, this was absolutely marvellous. The first totally great match of the year, Liger and Ohtani did everything for a reason, and it was all beautifully executed. That made it a treat for the psychology fans and action proles alike, not to mention the mafia men that were sat in the front row. Of course, my claim of greatness relies on the unseen half of the match being as good as what we saw - but what we saw had the feel of a perfect wrestling match. By that, I mean it was absolutely perfect for Liger and Ohtani; what they set out to do couldn't have been done any better. It's just a shame my colourwashed tape made the ring look a sheet of cat vomit.

****1/4




Magnum Tokyo, Dragon Kid + Saito vs Shiima Nobunaga, Sumo Fuji + Judo Suwa
Toryumon, taped January 31st
(Toryumon TV, Elimination match)

This match was the main event for the first ever Toryumon TV taping. For those not yet dependent on Toryumon for all their wrestling needs, it's basically a Japanese indie owned by Yoshihiro Asai - who you may know from his past life as Ultimo Dragon. Since Ultimo's dodgy arm forced him to retire (an event promoted by Eric Bischoff's blacklisted doctor), he's been training a bunch of young guys in the Dragon Gym. As soon as he realised he'd created a many-headed monster of wrestling greatness, Ultimo created a promotion to showcase the monster's talents. Toryumon basically translates into 'Dragon Class'.

So here we have six of the Gym's finest graduates; the faces are Magnum Tokyo (an 'exotic' dancer), Dragon Kid (modelled after Ultimo himself), and Yoshi Saito (who is a babyface by association with the other two, so we like him). The heels are Crazy MAX; Shiima Nobunaga, Sumo Fuji and Judo Suwa (all bastards with talent, to be straightforward). Aside from a few appearances in WCW in 1998, all six had been honing their talents in obscurity until Toryumon came about. With this being the group's debut show, they had something to prove - and they proved it like people that are really good at proving things.

Unfortunately, I'll have to abbreviate the play-by-play for this match. I won't do it in full for two main reasons: 1) you'd probably die of old age before you finished reading it, and 2) I'd probably die of old age before I finished writing it. Since this lasted more than 45 minutes, my logic circuits say that's a pretty good decision. Regardless, the match started off comparitively slow. Everyone did a bit of matwork, punctuated by reams of reversals to bigger moves being saved for later. Dragon Kid was the only exception to this, since he saw the opening segment as another opportunity to remind everyone that gravity doesn't apply to him. The lil' scamp avoided harm for the first ten minutes of the match, just flying all the way round Crazy MAX - something Magnum tried to less impressive effect. The diving regime slowly spread to all six men, though, and the passing of the ten minute mark kicked the aerials into full gear. The lucha pile-up sequence went well, starting with ! the less-than-impressive flying of Saito and Fuji, working all the way up to Magnum's ultra-graceful Orihara moonsault. As an aside, Masao Orihara is one of the luckiest pricks in wrestling; he's spent most of the decade as a lazy, washed-up indy worker, but because he invented the ringpost moonsault, his name gets mentioned alongside wrestlers infinitely more interesting than he is. To make a comparison with the States, that's the equivalent of discovering Jake Roberts invented the shooting star press.

Back in the ring, the rudos began to forge something resembling an advantage, picking up the tempo with heat sequences on Tokyo and Dragon Kid. Just for fun, Shiima tossed out a People's Legdrop and a uranage, but that's where his Rock imitation came to a sensible end. Team MAX also started their wierd double-teams around here, planting Dragon Kid with everything you could imagine. Turned upside down. Kid came back with a beautiful hurancanrana from the top, and Magnum followed up with the increjible springboard tornado DDT - a move only rivalled by Jodie Flash's double spin springboard DDT on the shit-yer-pants-with-excitement scale. The babyfaces then ploughed through Crazy MAX with a superb bunch of ranas, dropkicks and springboard things, before the physics-defying Dragon Rana eliminated Judo Suwa at 24:25. For the uninitiated, the Dragon Rana is a 360 degree forward flip from the top, somehow landing on the victim's shoulders for a spinning rana. If you ever see th! e move, you'll agree that whole sentence should've been in italics. Next, Saito and Sumo exchanged notes on ridiculous submission and pin holds, before Shiima hit Saito with the Iconoclasm (an armpit-based throw from the top rope). One Sumo chokeslam later, the time was 26:50, and Saito was eliminated.

With the match down to two on two, things calmed down a bit, turning into a post modernist take on the traditional Japanese tag match. The teams built to an exchange of big moves, as Tokyo launched Kid onto Shiima for a near-fall frankensteiner, and Sumo planted Dragon with a monstrous 5' 6" chokeslam. Sumo continued demonstrating everything he learned from Paul Wight tapes, going for his fourth chokeslam of the match. This time Dragon saw it coming and just about maneouvered another rana for the third elimination at 34:50. With Shiima left alone, the faces set about killing him to pieces. Kid set about the task with an amazing shooting star press, and followed with an unbelievably fast 450 splash. Was he fed on pure caffine as a child? Y'see, he got a bit carried away with th 450, as his knees split Shiima's mouth wide open. Giving Shiima time to recover and himself a chance to rest, Tokyo chose to lock on the right-angle figure four. Credit to Tokyo for slowing down w! hen necessary, and even more credit to Nobunaga for speeding right back up while he still had a few pints of blood left. The odd man out, Dragon Kid, soon found his way back into things, demonstrating some cuddly walk-up moves and a mind-blowing double handspring rana attempt, which got countered with a powerbomb.

For his next trick, the Kid got launched over Nobunaga's head - into the turnbuckles - but managed to springboard off the buckle and hit a totally accurate rana while flying backwards through the air. Most disconcerting. Continuing the crazy streak, Dragon hit the 360 degree Dragon Rana for another near fall, whereupon the rest of Crazy MAX ran in. Sumo occupied himself with Magnum Tokyo, while Judo planted Dragon for Shiima's frog splash. With MAX affiliate Taru allowing the referee to get back to his business, he turned around and counted to three - in 38:35 Dragon Kid was gone, leaving us with Shiima Nobunaga and Magnum Tokyo. The crowd managed to get its collective breath long enough to remind us how bloody exciting this was, and the match got back underway. Shiima unveiled the heel innovation of the year with his spinning cradle rolled into a punch - right into the groin. Deep fried noodle has never sounded so painful. With Nobunaga still spitting up blood a! fter a good ten minutes, Crazy MAX took most of the burden and ran several minutes of solid interference.

Putting himself in the Bob Armstrong/Sergeant Slaughter/Shawn Michaels/Terry Funk/fill-the-blank role of commissioner, out came Ultimo Dragon to rectify the situation. Ejecting the rudos from ringside, Dragon Sr. left us with a one-on-one finale, with 40 minutes of wrestling already committed to history. Looking surprisingly conscious, Toryumon's two main men really showed why they're absolute stars. For five minutes, they traded finishers, trademarks and counters like madmen, starting with Tokyo's attempts at the Viagra Driver - a pumphandle Michinoku Driver. Shiima escaped and scored with the Iconoclasm for two. Tokyo hit back with a little homage to his lord and creator, hitting the spinning Ultimo Dragon top rope rana. Then, on second attempt, he scored a predictably stiff Viagra Driver, before scaling the ropes. With his legs only now starting to look like jelly, the crowd got behind Tokyo - who finally landed the shooting star press, ending the madness in 45:11. Excuse me for relying on highbrow terminology, but this was absolutely fucking awesome!

Sumo, Suwa and Saito all looked good in their bit-parts, Dragon Kid looked unbelievable in every part, and Shiima and Magnum were natural-born superstars. Of course, the match was rough in places - but where else do you see one-year rookies working 3/4 hour matches on indie cards? Precisely. It wasn't perfect, but it was so ground-breaking that the little imperfections didn't matter. Relating to the other red-blooded heterosexual men in our company, this match was like meeting the perfect woman - and then finding out she's got a pale, half-inch blemish on her shoulder. In other words, the tardy spots were so insignificant that only a half-witted xenophobe with obsessive compulsive disorder would really criticise this match. The most impressive debut event in wrestling history - and even more importantly, my Match of the Month.

****1/2




Still Hungry? Have Some More!

(Other worthwhile matches from the month of January)

Al Snow vs Road Dogg:
WWF, aired January 4th (Raw is War, Hardcore title match) ***
Koji Kanemoto vs Jushin Liger:
NJPW, took place January 4th (Tokyo Dome show, IWGP Junior heavyweight title match) ***1/2
Keiji Muto vs Scott Norton:
NJPW, took place January 4th (Tokyo Dome show, IWGP World title match) **3/4
Super Crazy vs Yoshihiro Tajiri:
ECW, took place January 10th (Guilty as Charged) ***1/2
Shane Douglas vs Taz:
ECW, taped January 16th (House Party, World title match) ****
Kensuke Sasaki vs Yuji Nagata:
NJPW, taped January 27th (New Japan TV) ***1/2


If you survived this far, congratulations for making it through the whole article, or for saving energy and scrolling to the foot of the page. Either way, all warm bodies are invited to the next edition of Bouts With Clout, which will be posted in either 7, 10 or 14 days, whichever takes my fancy.

Until then, stay sober and keep breathing.

Please.

Elliot Sparks
Hell in a Cell

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