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/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
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/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
| Guest Columns | Ian Serotkin |
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Yes, it's time for another exciting and captivating column by Yours
truly, the hardest working columnist on [slash] wrestling...and ya KNOW
it's true. Part 1: Obligatory Shots Out And The Like As my millions...........and MILLIONS of loyal followers will remember ("Why have billions when you can have....millions?"), I ended my review of Summerslam '98 by praising the "HERB'S TIDBITS SUCK" sign I saw in the crowd during the Austin/UT main event. Lo and behold, I got the following email from Joseph Gentile: I thought you would be interested to know that you viewed MY "Herb's Tidbit's Suck!" sign while viewing this event ;). The kid holding the sign was my little cousin, who had the presence of mind to hold the sign up as UT and Austin brawled by us. I really appreciate you mentioning it, as well as echoing your agreement to my sentiments =) Joseph Gentile, I salute you! (Hi Mr. Bill! Yep, I stole it again.= But it's okay, cuz we're all united n' stuff in the Cru. SLAINTE!) I don't know if CRZ will have shilled this by now on the main page, but I've set up an IRC channel for columnists and readers of [slash] wrestling to go to and shoot the breeze. I'm hoping it'll provide a forum for some cool feedback and intelligent wrestling discussion (and won't degrade into crap like most of the other IRC wrestling channels have). Anyway, it's on a tiny, off-the-beaten-path network that can be accessed at irc.slashnet.org. The channel is #wrestling, and it's run (for the moment) by yours truly. Keep in mind it'll probably be really boring for the first few years before it catches on. But it's your opportunity to have a private audience with ME! And maybe that new dude. 'CRZ' i think his name is. I keep every piece of reader feedback I receive. I'm up to #92. #100 will get to pick the topic of my next Rant Mode, so keep those letters coming! And thank you all for your support...it's truly gratifying to feel appreciated. Part 2: Rant Mode Today's Topic: Bonehead Wrestling Maneuvers These are them...those moves that make you smack your forehead and go, "DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING LEARN?!?!?!" whenever you see them. And off we go (in no particular order)... 1) Putting your head down for a body drop after whipping your opponent to the ropes. Cripes, does this EVER work? I've seen it work maybe TWICE in the past ten years. It's a decent move when it hits, sure, but every single other time the opponent will stop short and kick you in the face. It's just not worth it. 2) Arguing with the ref in tag team matches Yes, distracting the referee while your teammate is getting the tar beaten out of him is always the smartest course of action. 3) Standing on the apron if you're not involved in the match. Here's a hint: YOU ALWAYS GET KNOCKED OFF! Most times that an outsider successfully interferes, they're on the floor and hook a leg. When they climb up to the canvas, they're in trouble. 4) When making your way back into the ring, putting your hands on the ropes so your opponent can flip you in. You've seen it a million times. After getting tossed out of the ring, a wrestler will make it back up to the apron and put his hands on the top rope. At this point, his opponent will walk up to the ropes and pull them towards himself, flipping the guy on the outside into the ring. The burning question remains: WHY DOESN"T THE GUY ON THE OUTSIDE JUST LET GO??? 5) After whipping your opponent into the ropes, go for a hook punch. I know it's SUPPOSED to be an attempted clothesline, but every time it misses--where the opponent ducks under it--it looks like a hook. And since I've never seen a wrestler actually LAND a hook punch when his opponent is coming off the ropes, it's valid. 6) Climbing over the top of the cage instead of just using the damn door. This applies to the WWF cage matches where you had to either climb the cage or walk out the door (usually after waiting for the referee to unlock it) to win the match. In what universe is climbing an eight foot ring faster than walking through a door? I can only remember one or two cage matches which actually by walking through the door. This segues nicely into... 7) Wrestling a cage match. Okay, the second guy has just entered the cage. The bell rings. Wh= y doesn't he just turn around and go back through the door while his opponent is waiting on the other side of the ring? Sure, it'd be a cheap move, but can you think of a better way for a heel to get GREAT heat without the face losing....uhh...face? 8) Taunting/acknowledging fans duing a wrestling match. I mean, come ON. Wrestlers must have the shortest attention spans in the universe if they can't keep their focus on their opponent through a 20 minute match. You'd think they'd learn that the other wrestler ALWAYS RECOVERS AND GETS THE ADVANTAGE after doing this. 9) Challenging Hulk Hogan to a match in the 1980s. Did these guys have a death wish? Never mind that Hogan was supposed to be the best wrestler (ha!) of the time, he got every damn break as well. I can't even count the number of times he cheated during a match in full view of the referee, who wouldn't stop the match until the other guy did the same thing. 10) Going to the top rope in a Royal Rumble. Anyone know if anyone EVER successfully landed a move from the top rope without being knocked down and eliminated? 11) Going for a pin during a Royal Rumble. See: Savage, Randy, 1993 Royal Rumble. That reminds me, Savage did hit the Big Elbow on Yokofatass in the endgame of the '93 Rumble, so alter the above question to read "when there were more than two people in the ring." 12) Trusting anyone during a Royal Rumble. You WILL be turned on, or your money back. 13) Trying to pin someone via a Sunset Flip. I can't remember one single time--not one--that this has worked. Most of the time you just get kicked in the face after two. 14) Offering your hand to your opponent during a match. If it works, yay. If not, you get kicked in the stomach. Real nice tradeoff there. Part 3: Not a Heat Review In lieu of a heat review (those darn tapes get expensive!) I'm got a theory. That's right, a THEORY! My father and I were having a conversation the other day about the Los Angeles Dodgers. Growing up on Long Island, I'm a die-hard Mets fan, but he grew up in Brooklyn and still roots for the Dodgers. Anyway, he was saying that the Dodgers have the highest payroll in baseball. They're also in last place in the National League West. They've got Karros, Mondesi, Chan Ho Park, Gary Sheffield, and several other stars, and they just can't seem to get their act together. They're more a collection of individuals than they are a team--way too much clashing of egos and the West Coast "me me me" mentality. The kicker, though, is that the Dodgers have all these guys signed to long-term contracts for BIG bucks. I heard an interview with the Dodgers GM (who sucks) a few weeks ago, and he confessed that they can't do a damn thing to change their roster without eating millions upon millions of dollars to pay off their overpriced player contracts. So, until all their contracts start naturally expiring, they're stuck in neutral gear. Doesn't this bear striking similarity to WCW? If you've gotten this far in the column, then you probably know that I'm Ian Serotkin Jobber-at-Large and Founder of the Heatrate Cru Mail the Author |
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