|
/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
|
|
/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
| Guest Columns | Ian Serotkin |
MainBLAH |
Part 1: Obligatory Shots Out and the Like Hey everyone! My abject apologies to Bill Gillon for apparently stealing his "I salute you" signoff line. It's not like you do that in EVERY one of your signoffs, Bill. Oh wait... But, on the plus side, the very same Bill Gillon has been inducted as the latest member of the Heatrate Cru! A hearty congratulations to Mr. Bill, who will be known as that from now on whether he likes it or not. Effective immediately, I'm putting applications for entrance into the Heatrate Cru on hold. We're four members strong now, which is a number I like and is manageable. I also want to have a chance to eventually get a webpage for the Cru up eventually. Hey, Look! My "Salute to the Rockers" managed to finally get reprinted on Scott Keith's Rantsylvania! Maybe Scott's not 100% evil like we all had thought. ("Just one calorie of evilnot even enough!") Looks like I might just be on both places from now on. [slash] will always be my main base of operations though, so never fear, loyal readers! Thanks to everyone for the great feedback on the Rockers Tribute rant...I think it was by far my best piece yet. I know, I know, I should be shot for not remembering whether the breakup was on the Barbershop or the Love Shack...but thanks to loyal readers like YOU--yes YOU!--I can now say with 100% accuracy that it occurred on Piper's Pit. =) Props to MrKwan316 for being the first one of about 50 people to email me the correct set. This segues nicely into Part 2... Part 2: Rant Mode To try to answer something a couple of you asked...will the Hardy Boyz end up in a Rocker-like situation? Quite possibly, but I doubt they'll stick around for 3 years together. It's unheard of nowadays. The only reason I have them pegged lasting around another year or so is that they do happen to be biological brothers and might convince the bookers to let them stick together for longer than they would have otherwise. Look for them to have some GREAT matches once they do break up, a la Bret and Owen Hart at Wrestlemania X. You can be sure that RSPW(M) will be creaming their collective pants when that match happens. And now, switching tracks entirely... Part 3: Retro Heat Review of SummerSlam '98: Highway To Hell I've tweaked the format slightly...included in the rating system is a line for the match's total rating, which is the heatrate and workrate figures added together for a total of ten possible points. The individual wrestler heat is not entered into it, as those numbers (somewhat) influence the heatrate total itself. Well, without further ado... We're LIVE from Madison Square Garden, home of the Stinky New York Knicks! Woohoo! (Just to incite even more flame mail, I'm FROM New York and I can't stand them!) Match 1: Val Venis vs. D'Lo "Oh You Better Recognize That I'm From Helsinki!" Brown for the WWF European Championship. It should be noted that this is the only match on the entire card without a single gimmick, manager, or run-in (counting mixed-tag as a gimmick). This is a cute little match. D'Lo's chest protector looks like it's made of cardboard...listening to Ross and Lawler try to hype it up as "loaded" is inane. Really fast paced in the beginning, slows down significantly in the later going. Really BAD spot as D'Lo picks Venis up for a powerbomb, loses control of Val, and nearly drops him smack on his head. I really HATE when wrestlers screw up a spot and then DO THE SAME SPOT AGAIN. It's kind of a dead giveaway that something went wrong, guys. This has some of the best ref booking that I've ever seenwhen Val goes up for a Money Shot with the chest protector on, the ref pulls on his leg to try to get him down, causing Val to crotch himself on the top rope. The ref tries to apologize, but Venis shoves him across the ring and gets himself DQ'd. See, WCW? Sometimes you can have a screwjob without 10 people interfering AND without having the face lose...uhh....face. Anyway, ref shove by Venis --> DQ to let Mr. Helsinki retain the WWF European Championship. Heat for Venis: **. Hello, Ladies! Heat for D'Lo: *. He got about ** worth of heel heat, but he also managed to get some "D'LO!" chants switching off with "D'Lo sucks!" chants to partially cancel it out. Heat for the match: **. The crowd cheers and boos at the appropriate times, not much else. Actual Workrate: **3/4. Easy ***1/4 had there been a clean ending either way. Total rating: 4.75/10 Match 2: The Oddities vs. Kaientai. ICP comes down to the ring with the Oddities, putting on a little show for the intros. This is a comedy match. I fast forwarded. Some lame train wreck --> Golga pinning all four members of Kaientai for the win. Heat for The Oddities: ICP manages to up their total to ***, believe it or not. Heat for Kaientai: DUD Heat for the match: The crowd knows it's a comedy match, and they treat it accordingly. Call it at **. Actual Workrate: Big fat DUD. Total rating: 2/10 Match 3: Jeff Jarrett w/Southern Justice vs. X-Pac w/Howard Finkel in a "Loser Loses Their Hair" Match. Finkel comes down to ringside wearing a DX shirt and his bowtie, further confirming my theory that the bowtie is stapled to his neck. For those of you who keep track, this is X-Pac's comeback from neck injury #1894. Standard X-Pac match ("Sure! Beat the crap out of me, as long as I can get my spinning heel kicks of doom in!"). Jarrett gives Waltman a NASTY ballshot on the ringpost, and you can FEEL every male in attendance wince. X-Pac pulls out a swank tornado DDT. As per contractual obligations, the endgame involves a guitar (Knight misses X-Pac, who grabs the geetar and nails Jarrett), making it guitar shot --> pin. NAO and the Headbangers come out to hold Jarrett down while X-Pac and Finkel do a horrible job of cutting Jarrett's hair off. Heat for Jarrett: 1/2* Heat for X-Pac: ***1/2 Heat for the match: *** (would be higher, but the haircut afterwards was just boooooring) Actual Workrate: ***1/4. Nice little match. Total rating: 6.25/10 Match 4: Marc Mero and Jacky vs. Edge and Sable. Edge is Sable's mystery partner, running into the ring area through the crowd. Jackie gets spanked. Yay. Sable pulls out a "Sablecurana" on Mero. Okay guys, EVERY MOVE THAT SABLE DOES DOESN'T NEED TO BE RENAMED IN HER HONOR. Edge hits the Downward Spiral, picks up Sable by the feet and drops her on top of Mero --> pin. Edge and Sable do a great job of celebrating while never looking at each other (I guess she really did have legit heat with EVERYONE in the back), and then Edge runs back out through the crowd. Heat for Mero/Jacky: * Heat for Sable/Edge: *** Heat for the match: **1/2 Actual Workrate: **, I guess. I get pretty subjective for women's matches, so I might be a bit off. Total rating: 4.5/10 Match 5: Owen Hart w/Dan "The Beast" Severn vs. Ken Shamrock in a Lion's Den match. Hooray! The WWF finally figured out something cool to do in the "Theater at MSG". It sure beats Randy Savage having to go back there and entertain them during WrestleMania X to save them from sheer boredom. The entrance sequence is awkward for both guys, as the Theater doesn't really have an entranceway. Both kind of wander out through a door and go straight to the ring. The "Lion's Den" somewhat resembles the UFC Octogon, with what looks like a pretty hard floor. If you notice, both wrestlers take great pains to land perfectly flat on their back after all the major bumps to avoid injury. Anyway, this is a great match...Owen can carry just about anyone, and he meshes nicely with Shamrock's submission style of wrestling. The Den walls are utilized very nicely, with both wrestlers pushing off at several points to land high-impact moves. Owen bleeds hardway from the mouth. The only bad spot comes as Owen lands the Sharpshooter on Shamrock. Shamrock claws his way to the Den wall and then starts climbing up the wall. Why the hell would you do THAT? Think about it...Shamrock climbing up the wall, drawing himself more upright, has the same effect as Owen leaning backit should increase the pressure. Owen, however, decides to release the hold. No one ever accused him of being the smart Hart, I guess. Shamrock slaps on the anklelock --> submission as Severn walks off in disgust. All this match needed to get it to the next level was a spot or two off the top of the Den. Heat for Owen: **. Heat for Shamrock: ***1/2. Heat for the match: ****. The Theater crowd was VERY hot, surprisingly. Actual Workrate: ****1/4. Five minutes longer and a clean ending, this hits ***** easy. Total rating: 8.25/10 Match 6: The New Age Outlaws vs. Mankind for the WWF Tag Team Championships. Mankind, the champion, comes out first to piss us all off. Vince has convinced Mankind to defend the tag team titles alone. It'll put him on the Hall of Fame at MSG, apparently. Booking makes no sense, except to get MacMahon over as a Bad Person. Check. Dogg and Gunn absolutely decimate Mankind, eventually piledriving him on the belt --> pin to allow the New Age Outlaws to become the new WWF Tag Team Champions. They then toss Mankind in a dumpster, out of which Kane appears a minute later and whacks Mankind in the head with a sledgehammer (out of view of the camera, of course). Heat for Mankind: -1/2*. I'm assuming he's supposed to be a heel...but he gets a sympathy face pop and that's about it. Heat for NAO: ***1/4. Would have been higher if the crowd wasn't so damned confused about who to root for. Heat for the match: **1/2. Actual Workrate: *1/2. Way too short and too much of a garbage match for a match that shouldn't have been one. Total Rating: 4.5/10 Match 7: The Rock w/Mark Henry vs. HHH w/Chyna for the WWF Intercontinental Championship. The DX band is here, accompanying HHH and Chyna to the ring. For those of you keeping track at home, The Rock is a heel here (in the waning days of the Nation) but also getting some face heat. This is an absolutely terrific match, doing twice as many ladder spots as Michaels and Ramon did in the same arena eight years previous. There's just something about ladder matches in MSG... The Rock blades! This could easily have been a ***** star workrate affair, if not for the interference at the end. A very black, very plump Mr. Fuji throws salt into HHH's eyes. Oh wait, that's Mark Henry. Both HHH and Rock are at the top of the ladder (HHH fumbling around blindly), until Chyna comes in and pushes The Rock off the ladder. Chyna interference --> HHH grabs the belt to become the new WWF Intercontinental Champion. Heat for The Rock: **. **** worth of heel heat is partially cancelled out by ** of face heat. Heat for HHH: ****. Heat for the match: ****1/2. Crowd starts out slow, but is absolutely rabid later on for every single near-grab of the belt and explodes when HHH takes it. Actual Workrate: ****1/2. I'm totally pissed off that the booking ruined this from being *****, but a terrific match nonetheless. Up until the interference, this rivals the classic ladder match from WM 10 and quite possibly surpasses it. Total Rating: 9/10 And now it's time to play "The Rock Exposes The Business!" In my "Home Video Exclusive Footage", cameras follow The Rock backstage for a post-match interview. Watch just as he enters the backstage corridor...he passes within two feet of X-Pac. Hmm, let's see...Rock hates DX at this point. Rock just fought HHH, who's in DX. Rock just lost the IC belt because of interference by DX. You think he'd improvise and say SOMETHING to X-Pac instead of quickly looking away with an odd expression on his face. Match 8: King Steve the Stony Stunning Ringmaster Hollywood Blond I'm-getting-more-like-Hogan-every-day Austin vs. The Undertaker for the WWF Championship. Austin comes out to his usual messianic pop. Undertaker comes out to a moderate face pop as well. Because Austin and Undertaker RESPECT each other, dammit! Austin pulls out a drop toe-hold in the early going, and Ross and Lawler practically fall over each other praising him for pulling out such a spectacular and unexpected move. You can tell that they're both about one sentence away from mentioning Austin's near-paralysis, and Bruce Prichard is probably screaming in their earphones from backstage not to do it. Kane saunters out, but Undertaker sends him back to the locker room. This is a dead giveaway that one of two things will happen:
Heat for Austin: ****1/2. Heat for Undertaker: **. This is post-face and pre-Ministry, so everybody's confused because Austin and Taker RESPECT each other, dammit! Heat for the match: ****. The fighting through the crowd subtracts some, as always. Actual Workrate: Keith had this at ***1/4, but I didn't think it was anything over **1/2. Regardless of what Ross and Lawler want me to believe, drop toe-holds aren't that exciting. Total 6.5/10 Just to top it all off, I spotted some kid in the audience holding the following sign while Austin and Taker were brawling in the crowd: "HERB'S TIDBITS SUCK" Amen! A really solid card from top to bottom. The first match was a belt match, as were the last three on the card. I don't think I've ever seen it spaced like that before, and it was a really great effectcrowd got interested early and exploded late. Only one of the eight matches fell below 4/10 (the Oddities/Kaientai crap), everything else is extremely watchable. Highly recommended card. Ian Serotkin Jobber-at-Large and Founder of the Heatrate Cru Mail the Author |
.. |
Main |
||