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/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
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/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
| Guest Columns | Ian Serotkin |
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Part 1: Obligatory Shots Out And The Like My god, where do I start? A friend of mine is a wrestling promoter in Cleveland, where he lives, and managed to swaggle two front row center tickets for No Mercy last night. I couldn't go because of prior obligations, but as soon as my buddies and I ordered the PPV, bam! There they are. Whenever they showed their primary camera angle (straight on), you could see them clear as day. And, of course, they brought signs! They were pretty much all inside jokes that only us AEPi guys would get...but trust me when I say it was a fucking riot. Being the godsends that they were, they put them up during all the bad matches so that we wouldn't have to sit through them. So, if you happen to have the show on tape, the guys holding the "CHRIS KING IS GAY!", "PI LAMBDA PHI FEARS BEAU!", "HUMILITY IS TUESDAY", "I DROVE 7 HOURS FOR THIS", and "BENNY, CAN I START?" signs...that's them. One of them was videotaping the event, so hopefully when they get back we'll see some cool perspectives. Speaking of that, I think they had a whole conversation with Miss Kitty during the IC match, and I'm looking forward to seeing that one up close and personal. :) Plus, the METS~! playoff game went into the 15th fucking inning, and I missed most of the Venis/Mankind match to watch the end. What an incredible game. I was absolutely speechless...the Mets seem to just light up the highlight reels whenever they make it into the postseason. I sat through the torture that was the Mets in the early '90s--when you could go to Shea Stadium and have your own security guard and usher because there were so few people there--but times like this make me proud to be a fan. Even if they lose the series. So, I wasn't exactly concentrating on the PPV 100%. But here goes anyway... Part 2: Heatrate Review for WWF No Mercy '99 We are LIVE from the Gund Arena in Cleveland, Ohio! Your hosts are Good Ol' JR, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and the two guys in the front row who I know. Match 1: Mideon w/Viscera vs. The Godfather. What the FUCK did I do to deserve this?? Yeah, you THINK you get a recap out of me for this match. Not that I was even paying attention, since we were trying to get in touch with Chris King the whole match to let him know he was gay. Ho Train --> pin for the Godfather. Heat for Mideon: DUD Heat for The Godfather: *** for the girls Heat for the match: 1/4* for the Ho Train. Actual Workrate: 1/4* Total Rating: 0.5/10 Match 2: Fabulous Moolah (w/ Mae Young) vs. Ivory (w/ scarf) for the WWF Women's Title. I think all the jokes about this one humanly possible have been made already, so I'll just skip them and go straight to not recapping this match. Ivory is actually worse than Moolah, and Mae Young takes more bumps on her own bad self than the Geriatric Cru in WCW ever did. Debut of the "HUMILITY IS TUESDAY" sign, causing me to spill my drink all over my shirt in laughter. I guess you had to be there. Jesus H. Christ, Ivory can't even be rolled up correctly --> pin, The Fabulous Moolah is your new WWF Women's Champion. Heat for Moolah: ** Heat for Ivory: DUD Heat for the match: *1/2 for the crowd oooing whenever Mae Young took a bump. Actual Workrate: -** Total Rating: -0.5/10 Match 3: New Age Outlaws vs. The Hollys in a match that is NOT for the WWF Tag Team Championship. Why? Because the bookers decided to give the titles back to the Rock N' Sock Connection shortly beforehand (with an assist by the Hollys), screwing up any reason why this match should have to occur in the first place--the Hollys were the #1 Contenders, after all? Right? Right. Really, really funky ending which is probably going to precipitate the NAO heel turn (but then again, we've been saying that for weeks and nothing's happened yet)...Hardcore throws a chair into the ring to help out Crash, but Gunn takes advantage and ends up landing a Famasser on Crash on the chair. BUT, the ref sees it and --> DQ's Gunn. NAO beat on the Hollys after the match. Heat for the Hollys: **1/2. They're REAL Memphis heels....other 'bad' guys take a lesson. Heat for the NAO: **1/2, as usual...**** dropping to * or below once the match starts. Heat for the match: ** Actual Workrate: **. Standard NAO match, with Road Dogg playing Road Dogg in peril. Total Rating: 4/10 Match 4: Jeff Jarrett w/Miss Kitty vs. Chyna in a "Good Housekeeping" match for the WWF Intercontinental Championship. I take back everything bad I've ever said about Jeff Jarrett. He came out here of his own free will and accord, after his contract had expired, to job the title to Chyna and provide closure. Now that's a good company man, and a good human being to boot. And boyo, does he get the shit kicked out of him. I really, really enjoyed this. Lots of stiff shots with, to name a few: baking powder, eggs, a flounder, a frying pan, cream pies, a bucket, pans, a broom, tongs to Jarrett's crotch, and the motherfucking kitchen sink (right on cue). Endgame: Right after Jarrett starts to control (for the first time in the entire match), the ref gets bumped. He grabs the IC belt and waffles Chyna; the ref crawls over and counts the pin. (WTF?!) But, the referee changes his mind and decides that since the IC belt isn't a household item, THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE! About ten seconds later, Chyna nails Jarrett with his geetar (which apparently is a household item) --> pin, Chyna is the new WWF Intercontinental Champion. That's a real professional--being squashed after your contract was expired and LIKING it. See you tonight on Nitro, Jeff. Heat for Jarrett: ***1/2. Quite possibly the most he's gotten in his career. What a shitty time to leave. Heat for Chyna: **3/4. Still getting that HHH heel heat to drag her down. Heat for the match: ****. Crowd was way into this one. No shit! Actual Workrate: ***1/2. Seriously. I'm giving it about a point for the stiffness and the rest for originality. Total Rating: 7.5/10 Match 5: The Rock vs. British Bulldog in a match to (unofficially) determine the Number One Contender to the Heavyweight Title. Wow, Rocky's slumming it tonight. Gee, I wonder if he'll interfere in the main. This match is crap, as neither man can carry the other to anything worth mentioning. Rock Bottom, People's Elbow --> pin to give my boy Duane a surprisingly clean win over DBS. Heat for The Rock: ****1/2 Heat for DBS: ** Heat for the match: ***3/4 Actual Workrate: *1/4 Total Rating: 4/10 Match 6: Hardy Boyz w/Gangrel vs. Edge and Christian in the 5th match of the Terri Invitational Tournament (TIT) with double black ladders for $100,000 and Terri's "services". Gangrel gets ejected pretty much immediately. I can't even begin to recap this match...spot...spot...spot...SPOT....SPOT...HOLY SHIT!...HOLY SHIT!...OH MY GOD!!! is pretty much how it goes. You can get the play-by-play elsewhere. My friends at ringside are just sitting there with their mouths gaping open, and after the last few spots they start actually bowing in respect to the action. Endgame, stolen from Chris Bird (because I'd have no idea how to even begin describing it): All four men up the ladders, fighting at the tops of their respective ladders...Edge uppercuts Matt off the centre ladder, who falls back, bounces into the ropes, and slams into the corner ladder, which tips over, sending Christian to the mat and Jeff flying onto the centre ladder, where he nails a flying punch on Edge, who falls back off the ladder. Jeff staggers up the ladder, grabs the cash, and because he's Jeff Psycho Fucker Hardy he goes for one last bump as he wrenches the cash away and then falls ten feet straight down onto his back. Hardyz win the cash and Terri's services. This is the only time I can ever remember an American audience actually giving the performers a standing ovation, and by GOD did they deserve it. Easily the WWF MOTY. Vince Russo, the WWF fans don't cheer for great wrestling? Fuck you. Heat for the Hardyz: ** Heat for Edge and Christian: *** Heat for the match: ****. The fans start out slow but are absolutely rabid towards the end. Acutal workrate: ***** Total Rating: 9/10 Rocky cuts a promo, and then gets whacked by HHH and a sledgehammer. Match 7: Mr. Socko vs. Mr. Rocko in a Mankind vs. Val Venis match. I missed almost this entire match due to the Mets coming back from a one run deficit in the 15th inning and Robin Ventura knocking one out of the park with the bases loaded to finally end the 6 hour slugfest. It was later ruled a single because he got mobbed after touching first and never went around the rest of the bases, but who the hell cares? It's the "grandest" single I've ever seen. See you in Atlanta, you fuckers. Oh yeah, I think Val Venis won with the Testicular Claw. Heat for the Mets: ***** Heat for the Braves: -***** Heat for the match: ***************************** Actual Workrate: ********************************************* Total Rating: 3x10^8 out of 10 Match 8: Kane vs. X-Pac vs. Farooq vs. Bradshaw in a Four Corners Match. Okay, guys, we know the X-Pac heel turn is coming. CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY. Kane nails Bradshaw with a chokeslam --> pin, then X-Pac nails Kane with a top rope spinning heel kick --> pin, then X-Pac nails Farooq with his lame ass top rope X-Factor --> pin. Yay. X-Pac is so lazy at this point it's not even funny. With someone like the Road Dogg I don't mind because he's never been much better, but watching Waltman do the Bronco Buster, spinning heel kick, and X-Factor every fucking match while knowing what he's capable of is just torture. Heat for Kane: **1/2 Heat for X-Pac: **1/2 Heat for the Acolytes: ** Heat for the match: *3/4 Actual Workrate: **1/4 Total Rating: 4/10 Match 9: HHH vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin in a No Holds Barred match for the WWF Heavyweight Championship. Wow, Austin in a NHB match? How original. You know what that means? Absolutely nothing, since all his matches are NHB whether they're announced as such or not. They do the lame ass fighting through the crowd for ten minutes, oh joy. They actually manage to get back into the ring, ref gets bumped on a slingshot. Austin hits the Stunner, no ref. HHH hits the Pedigree, no ref. Hebner runs out to ringside to take over. I was expecting the endgame to come right here, but they impressed me by keeping it going for another ten minutes after they both hit their finishers. HHH and Hebner get into a shoving match, which is kind of funny but also stupid. What is HHH afraid of? If he get's DQ'd, he keeps his title. HHH audibly tells Austin he's going to suplex him on the Spanish Announcing Table, and then suplexes him on the Spanish Announcing Table. THE SPONTANEITY! HHH blades, neat! Austin grabs a chair sometime later and goes nutzo on HHH's leg, to the absolute delight of the fans. Here comes the Rock! Here comes the Rock! (20 points for the reference). He's got a sledgehammer, so you know he's here to preach peace and long life. He goes to whack HHH (or so we think...duh duh DAAAAA!) but Helmsley ducks and Austin gets nailed instead. HHH Pedigrees Rock, then covers Austin --> pin. HHH retains the WWF Heavyweight belt, and Austin is getting more like Hogan every day. Put someone over cleanly, will ya? Austin runs after him and beats him up and stuff so that the fans can get a happy ending. Heat for Austin: **** Heat for HHH: **** Heat for the match: ***1/2 Actual Workrate: *** Total Rating: 6.5/10 Part 3: Thoughts... For the love of god, skip the first two matches unless you're keeping it on mute and want to see my friends' goofy signs. The Mega Total Rating (something I've been meaning to do all along, but just remembered about) comes in at 35/80, not counting the Venis/Mankind match that I missed. But, if you skip the first two maches, it becomes 35/60, which is a lot better. Nothing horrible after that point, and the ladder match is an absolute must-see. Coming soon: Look for a Nitro report on Shooters later this week (I'm applying for the open position), and an assorted heatrate review or two before the end of the month. Ian Serotkin Jobber-at-Large and Founder of the Heatrate Cru Mail the Author |
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