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/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
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/wrestling /guests /Serotkin |
| Guest Columns | Ian Serotkin |
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Part 1: Obligatory Shots Out And The Like Wow, it's been a while. College'll kinda do that to you. I really do appreciate the emails from people wondering why I stopped writing, though :) Due to UPN and the WB sort of sharing a channel in the Champaign-Urbana area, I now get Smackdown at 4 AM on Friday mornings. It was at 11 PM for a few weeks, but, in their infinite wisdom, the station decided to replace them in that slot with National Enquirer TV. Being nocturnal and all, I'm up at 4 AM, but it still be nice and have it at a time slot that normal people can see it at as well... Part 2: Heatrate Review for WWF Unforgiven '99 This is the first PPV I've watched since I've been back up at college, and I watched it with about 10 other people (none of whom are 'smarts'). So, my heat ratings will actually be objective for a change! We are LIVE from Charlotte, NC on September 26th, 1999. Yay and stuff. Match 1: Val Venis vs. Steve "The Lethal Heatkiller" Blackman. Helloooooooooo, heat. Heat? Hello? Are you there? Not a chance in hell. Blackman does his quirky little offense that CRZ seems to love, but These Guys Just Don't Work Well Together (that's the theme for tonight). Venis hits the Money Shot --> pin for the victory. Blackman goes apeshit and hits Venis on the head with a kendo stick after the match, prompting paramedics to come out and (slooooooowly) get Val out of there. When Blackman picks a fight with one of the female paramedics, Jim Dotson (the goofy beret-wearing security dude) spears him. Heat for Venis: ** for "Hello, Ladies." Heat for Blackman: DUD Heat for the match: 1/2* Actual Workrate: *1/2 Total Rating: 2/10 Match 2: Mark "Fastest man on the planet" Henry vs. D'Lo "Let me win so I can be from Helsinki again!" Brown for the WWF European Championship. This match is slooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. Seriously, I think Henry replaced his fat with molasses. D'Lo tries to inject some wrestling...he really does...but he doesn't have a shot in hell. Anyway, Lo Down --> pin gives D'Lo his upteenth European Title. Heat for Henry: 1/2* Heat for D'Lo: **1/2 Heat for the match: *1/2 Actual Workrate: 3/4* Total Rating: 2.25/10 Match 3: Jeff Jarrett vs. Chyna for the WWF Intercontinental Championship. Am I the only one who finds this angle completely uninteresting? Not to mention disturbing now that I've seen the MAE YOUNG DISROBEMENT OF DOOM~! Hmmm...if Jarrett was in Africa and you asked me where he was, I'd probably tell you that he was over in Africa. Which is good, because then he'd finally be over somewhere. :) Harvey Wippelman as a referee just makes me laugh...they definitely should have had him gotten more involved in stuff somehow, just for old time's sake. Debra smashes a geetar over Jarrett's head --> pin to apparently give Chyna the Intercontinental belt...but here's "He's not just a Head Scab Referee, he's also a Doctor!" Tom Pritchard shows the Whipster the instant replay of Debra's interference, so the decision is reversed and Jarrett retains. This is the correct booking decision, as Keith noted, but it also opens up the mother of all plot holes: Apparently no other referee or official is EVER watching a match in the back, because it's only about once every two years that a decision gets reversed in such a manner. Heat for Jarrett: **, and that might be a personal high for him. Heat for Chyna: 1/2*. She's a heel with HHH, but a face alone...the fans (the few who actually care, that is) are pretty much split in their reaction. Heat for the match: *1/2 for the cute stuff with Mae Young and Moolah. Actual Workrate: **. Chyna may look real buff, but her pussy midwest accent and lack of actual wrestling ability drag Jarrett down. Okay, so the accent thing is a personal gripe. I'm from New York, sue me. Total Rating: 3.5/10 Match 4: The D-D-D-D-D-Dudley Boys vs. The Acolytes. I've never really been into ECW, so I hadn't seen the Dudleys prior to their debut in the WWF...and thus far, they're really not impressing me at all. I really don't see the sense in booking them against the Acolytes, who have no personality of their own and really can't create any interesting feuds to make me care their opponents. Stevie Richards comes out as an Acolyte (since he's their assistant for the night, would that make him the Acolyte acolyte?) and gives D-Von a Stevie-kick--> pin for the Acolytes. These Guys Just Don't Work Well Together. I didn't like any of the previous Acolyte/Dudleys permutations on Raw and Smackdown, and this doesn't break the pattern. Heat for the Dudleys: *, mostly for Buh Buh's "Are they making fun of me?" bit. Heat for the Acolytes: 1/4* Heat for the match: DUD Actual Workrate: 3/4*. Punch, punch, kick, kick, punch, kick, punch, kick, B, A, Start. 21 lives! Total Rating: 0.75/10 Match 5: Ivory vs. Luna in a Hardcore match for the WWF Women's Title. I hate women's matches. Pipe to the head --> pin to allow Ivory to retain the WWF Women's Title. My guess is they're going to try to build up for a 'classic' rematch at the next PPV. Not that I'll care then either. Heat for Ivory: * Heat for Luna: 1/2* Heat for the match: * for a few funny bits with a photocopy machine and other assorted international objects. Actual Workrate: 1/2*, I guess. Total Rating: 1.5/10. Match 6: The New(ly Reformed) Age Outlaws vs. Edge and Christian for the WWF Tag Team Championship. Crowd hasn't missed a beat on the NAO catchphrases. I've missed it myself, quite honestly. Road Dogg must be thrilled that he's back playing Road Dogg-in-peril. As usual, silence reigns supreme after NAO finishes their opening, but Edge and Christian manage to revive them with--of all things--wrestling! After Hardy Boyz interference, Gunn hits the Famasser on Edge --> pin to allow the New Age Outlaws to retain the tag belts. Heat for NAO: ***. Heat for Edge and Christian: **. They're the heels by default here, thouroughly confoozling the crowd. Heat for the match: ** Actual Workrate: *** or so. Total Rating: 5/10. Wow, they broke the Mendoza line for the first time tonight. Match 7: Al Snow vs. the Big Bossman in a Kennel from Hell match for the WWF Hardcore Championship. This had real potential in theory, but in practice it was just a supremely bad idea. It takes the ring crew about 500 years to set the damn thing up and an equal amount of time to dismantle it afterwards. The dogs are obviously drugged into oblivion, and having the trainers holding the leashes effectively squashes any reason for them to be there in the first place. And, to top it all off, it's just not a good environment to wrestle in. Both wrestlers spent a majority of the match climbing one of the two cages or doing something else that also was not wrestling. They both really tried to make it work, as evidenced by some nice stiff shots with objects brought in a bag by Al Snow, but the damn gimmick overran the match completely. Snow jumping through the outer door --> match unceremoniously ends to allow Snow to retain the Hardcore title. Heat for Al Snow: **. Heat for Bossman: *1/2. Heat for the match: -*** Actual Workrate: 3/4* for trying. Total Rating: -2.75/10. That's BAD, folks. Match 8: Chris Jericho vs. X-Pac in a "Ken Shamrock Is Injured" match. If only they had had more time to choreograph this...sniff. A really, really good technical match, the best I've seen from the WWF in at least a year. My friend managed to call 3 Jericho spots in a row correctly (tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, slingshot, missile dropkick), don't ask me how. Mr. Hughes knocks out the ref about 13 minutes in to cause the DQ. I can understand not wanting to job Jericho in his first PPV match, but that was absolutely ridiculous. You KNOW that the two guys are going to go out there and give you a **** match without breaking a sweat, why intentionally make it bittersweet? Heat for Jericho: **. He's getting *** heel heat, but still noticeable cheers from people who know his background. I don't know if he can feasibly work in the WWF as a full-blown heel and still be over. Heat for X-Pac: ***. Same old, same old. Heat for the match: *1/2. I'm going totally by the room heat here, since the fucking idiotic live crowd was completely distracted by something going on in the stands. Alas, my friends didn't like it much better. Actual Workrate: ****. A bit formulaic on both sides, but otherwise a great effort. Total Rating: 5.5/10. It should be noted that the video package leading into the main event was voted by everyone I watched with--myself included--as the most interesting part of the show up until that point. It happened to be a terrific package, but that's no excuse. Match 9: Heat Hardly Happening vs. The British Bulldog vs. The Rock vs. Mankind vs. The Big Slow vs. Kane is Unable in a "Six-Pack Challenge" match with Steve Austin as the Special Enforcer for the WWF Heavyweight Championship. I gave it about 5 minutes to turn into a Pier-Six, and I think I was right on the nose. Jim Korderas is the referee, so you KNEW something funky was going to happen. My personal guess was that someone was going to have a pin and Korderas was going to flip the double-bird and walk out. Well, different means, same result. The other regular refs come down to ringside, watch for a while, and then pull him out of the ring as he was counting a pin for The Big Show. They then proceed to beat up on him until Austin gets up from the announcing table and cleans house. Endgame: The Rock nails the Rock Bottom and People's Elbow on HHH, but the Bulldog comes in and nails Rocky with a chair. Austin beats on Bulldog with the same chair, HHH hits the Pedigree on the Rock and Austin reluctantly counts the --> pin to allow HHH to regain the WWF Heavyweight Championship. Too many wrestlers for an individual heat section... Heat for the Match: ***1/2. Holy crapola, the crowd is still alive! Actual Workrate: ****. Basically a collection of everyone's signature moves, but it worked well. Total Rating: 7.5/10. Part 3: Thoughts... Two great technical matches, but that couldn't save the show. The crowd both at the event and in my room was just totally uninterested in the entire card save for the main event...that's the problem with tying up everyone who is actually over in the main event. Frankly, I still think that the main event video package was the best damn part of the show. At least I didn't pay for it :) Ian Serotkin Jobber-at-Large and Founder of the Heatrate Cru Mail the Author |
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