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Ian Serotkin

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Part 1: Obligatory Shots Out And The Like

Last week's column sucked, didn't it?  That's what I get for listening to the BAKER'S DOZENS............AND BAKER'S DOZENS of my fans and fulfilling a request.  That'll show me.

No shots out this week, primarily because last week's column sucked so much and only a few people sent me anything worthwhile.

Well, due to me having lots to say about the two Monday night shows this week, it takes up all of Part 2 and Part 3.  And boyo, is it a doozy.


Parts 2: Super Extended Monday Nitro Thumb-O-Rama

WCW Monday Nitro: Thumbs (as far) Down (as humanly possibly before coming around and being thumbs up again.  Kind of the same way communism is so left that it sort of meets fascism coming out on the extreme right.)

First...and I'm sick of saying this, so I'll say it in C++ to spice things up...

boolean main()
{
boolean sid_on_my_tv, hogan_in_main, nitro_gets_automatic_thumbs_down;

sid_on_my_tv = true;
hogan_in_main = true;

if ((sid_on_my_tv == true) && (hogan_in_main == true))
nitro_gets_automatic_thumbs_down = true;
else
nitro_gets_automatic_thumbs_down = false;

return nitro_gets_automatic_thumbs_down;
}

Well, there you have it.  Automatic thumbs down yet again.

But no.

It doesn't stop there.  Not by a long shot.

First, I actually get excited--BARRY HOROWITZ~! is on my TV for for the first time in a few weeks and on Nitro for the first time in months!  It actually made me mark out for something on Nitro...which is funny, because it's probably the last thing they want you marking out for.  But they couldn't just let me have my moment of bliss, could they?

Strike One comes when the announcers fail to call a single move of the entire match, instead choosing to shill Fall Brawl and the main event.  I could still live with the match at this point, since that happens every match.

Strike Two comes when I can't figure out the name of Barry's opponent, since he didn't have an opening graphic and the announcers are SO into shill mode that they forget to even fucking mention who the competitors on my television screen are.

Strikes Three, Four, Five, and the Kitchen Sink comes when Sid interferes.  WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?  WHO GAVE SID THE RIGHT TO INTERRUPT BARRY HOROWITZ?  THIS IS BULLSHIT.  ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.  NEVERMIND THE FACT THAT HE LOST ON THUNDER AND THEY'RE STILL CALLING HIM UNDEFEATED, THEY CAN'T EVEN LET ME ENJOY WHAT WAS POTENTIALLY THE GREATEST MATCH ON NITRO IN YEARS SO THAT SID CAN RUN IN, POWERBOMB MY BOY BARRY (AND WHOEVER HIS MYSTERIOUS UNNAMED OPPONENT WAS) AND RUN HIS FUCKING MOUTH AGAIN FOR ANOTHER FUCKING TEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE THAT I CAN NEVER FUCKING GET BACK.  FUCK YOU, WCW.

Okay, I think I'm better now.  I think part of the problem was that I was so happy to see Barry that I wasn't even thinking about a Sid run-in...maybe it was naive of me, but still...fuck you, WCW.

But wait!  There's plenty more.

Benoit vs. Malenko and guess what?  Sid interferes again!  I think WCW was going for a record.  It must be tough having to continually get worse every week.  I'll bet someone gets fired whenever they gain headway in the ratings.  Fuck you, WCW.

What did I say?  What did I say?  Two weeks!  Two weeks!  Two weeks for Luger to turn on Sting!  Hey, look at that!  Luger's turning on Sting.  Fuck you, WCW.

Oh joy, Vincent is getting some sort of another push.  Fuck you, WCW.

Oh joy, I'm treated to another long, boring interview with Berlyn.  "Hey look, it's Alex Wright!"  Fuck you, WCW.

Bret Hart makes an appearance at the opening of the show (I wonder if the first hour is officially Nitro now or not?  Maybe it's just a sort of wierd limbo where jobbers and has-beens go to die.  Oh wait, that's all of WCW.  My mistake.)  The gigantic propaganda machine known as the announcing team (along with Hart, begrudgingly) insists on claiming that Bret Hart still hasn't been back in the ring, despite having faced Hogan several weeks ago at a house show.  I know that house shows don't count for anything, but at least the WWF has the decency to send a camera crew along now when they do a title change or something marginally worthwhile.  Just ignoring them completely alienates the fans who attended the house show and makes the promotion lose even MORE credibility.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THE FUCKING THING HAPPENED LESS THAN A MONTH AGO.  FUCK YOU, WCW.

In closing: Fuck you, WCW.


Parts 3: Super Extended Monday Night Raw Thumb-O-Rama

WWF Monday Night Raw: Thumbs (just plain) Up.  Nothing extraordinary, nothing horrible, just a good, solid show.

Mick Foley being allowed to send get well wishes out to a WCW referee who is fighting for his life...pure class.

They did show a few seconds of the Smackdown clips of the Bossman/Snow vignette, which I had hoped would never, EVER be shown again...but then they followed it up with a hilarious bit of sports entertainment as Snow goes completely bonkers and comes down in his old Avatar garb.  It got a little stupid, but it still made me laugh a lot.  For a minute there, as Snow was talking about being the WWF's hero, I thought they might have been transferring the Blue Blazer storyline over to him...but I guess not.  It might have been a little tribute by Snow to Owen...

So they're turning good ol' Kip face again, eh?  Well, Mr. Ass wasn't working, so I guess it's back to good old Bad Ass.  JR has already started calling him Bad Ass Billy Gunn again, so I give it about a month until the transformation back is complete.  I don't quite agree with the logic of taking an un-over heel and trying to get him over as a face by pitting him against the un-over heel World Champion, but whatever.  As long as he gets to say "I got two words for ya!" again, he'll get his contractually obligated DX face heat.

In a related note (and I'm kind of ashamed to say it), I kinda marked out during the main event!  When the match continued after Gunn's first screwed pin attempt (while Hebner was out of the ring), I actually thought he somehow come away with it!  When he pinned HHH a few minutes later and Hebner crawled over, I took a look at the clock--4 minutes past the hour.  I sit up at attention.  Hebner starts to count...and it's a slow count!  A main event 1-2-3 Hebner slow count!  Holy shit!  I get to my feet...and HHH kicks out at two.  Damnit.  It would have been really interesting had Gunn won it...especially since the Internet would have been ablaze with speculation the day after.

Lawler making fun of JR's football references was amusing.

A Hardcore Women's match was a new idea.  Not a particulary good idea, but a new idea nonetheless.  And if I get to see them wet and half-naked, it can't be all bad.

The Rock's imitation of Kane was somewhat amusing, even if it did just turn into another "stick it sideways" bit.

I hate to say it, but Mankind is actually losing heat due to being paired with The Rock.  Marks do not like having two faces to root for at the same time, as they will inevitably choose to root for one and pretty much ignore the other.

Alright!  The Hardyz in a honest to goodness match!  I don't particularly like pitting them against the Hollys, but I'll pick my fights.  Who are the faces here, anyway?  Whatever.  Within two seconds, they get a "Holy Shit!" out of me.  I think everyone is just WAITING for these guys to split up so we can get weeks upon glorious weeks of Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy.

On the flip side, I'm getting real sick of more talented teams putting the Acolytes over.  I'm just hoping their new feud with the Dudleys takes them out of the title picture for a good long while.  Forever, preferably.

I'm not exactly sure where the whole Kane thing is going...but as long as we don't get three more months of Undie vs. Kane, I'll count my blessings.  These guys really need to take some refreshing Hansen's Energy Drink and chill out.  So what if you got hit repeatedly with a sledgehammer?  Just roll with the punches, man.

Just think!  When the Big Slow and Undie do eventually break up, we'll have months upon months of Slow vs. Undie matches!  Or maybe, if we're REALLY LUCKY, Slow vs. Undie vs. Kane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like I said...no ***** matches, but nothing repulsive and not much "eh" or below.  A solid, solid offering.

Until I calm down and take some refreshing Hansen's Energy Drink myself, I'm an agitated

Ian Serotkin
Jobber-at-Large and Founder of the Heatrate Cru

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission