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Ian Serotkin

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Part 1: Obligatory Shots Out And The Like

Thanks to all the good and pure souls who pointed out that I could in fact get UPN shows (and therefore Smackdown) in the Champaign-Urbana area.  Apparently some time in July, Channel 12 turned from a Christian religious channel to a loosely affiliated WB/UPN associate.  How they're legally allowed to carry both WB and UPN is beyond me, but as long as I get to watch Katie Holmes AND Smackdown I'm a very happy camper indeed.  I'd bother mentioning the name of the first guy to send the info in, but I had already found out about it myself.  So from the bottom of my heart, thank you Ian Jeffrey Serotkin!  I'll never forget you.  *sniff*

Anyone else just WAITING for CRZ to spontaneously combust while watching Nitro?  I sure feel like doing it myself.

Anyone else giggle uncontrollably every time Luger claims that he's been friends with Sting for thirteen years?  I guess I was wrong about the ZILLIONS................and ZILLIONS of times Luger's turned on sting.  As Scott Keith would say, turning on Sting is what Luger's character does.  He turns on Sting.


Part 2: Rant Mode

Today's topic: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

This is a somewhat odd thing to write about, but with the introduction of the new Smackdown! set, I thought it would be interesting to compare the sets of today to those of yesteryear and try to determine how and why these changes occurred.

First of all, we have the raised entrance ramps.  These presumably allow more of the crowd to see the wrestlers as they're making their entrances and also allow better camera angles during this period.  Back in the 80s, there was nothing like this.  There was simply a two or three meter barricated aisle leading directly from the locker room to the ring.  The wrestlers were so close to the fans that a babyface would almost have no choice but to slap the hands of every fan as he went by, and nary a heel would get to the ring without having at least a few drinks and popcorn thrown at him.  Today, even when the ramp is missing (usually during a PPV or when Austin is scheduled to drive something rather large to the ring), the entranceway is ten times wider than it used to be.  Why?  Well, the wrestler's egos are a lot bigger than they used to be (on AVERAGE.  I KNOW Hogan was a dick back then too) and can't be bothered to associate with the fans.  The federations are also a bit lawsuitaphobic nowadays and try to seperate the wrestlers from the fans whenever possible.  Remember when that fan rushed the ring and hugged Piper after his match at Wrestlemania III?  Security let him rush the ring, shake Piper's hand, and say a few words to him before charging and escorting him away...in total, a good 20 seconds or so.  Piper took it in stride, smiling and chuckling to himself good-naturedly.  Today, the guy probably never would have touched a ring rope...and if he had somehow made it inside, the wrestler probably would have decked him.

Next, we have the actual entrance set itself.  Today, you've got a gigantic screen (two in the case of Smackdown), gigantic logos, fireworks, and motorized entrance doors.  Back in the day, you had a curtain and a big WWF logo above it.  Das' it.  Not much of a story behind this one...it all just naturally came with the move from 'Professional Wrestling' to 'Sports Entertainment'.  It's also worth noting that even in the midst of the "Rock and Wrestling" 80s, only a few of the top babyfaces and top heels had entrance music...now everyone has a theme.  Well, except Bam Bam Bigalow when he comes out alone, but I suspect that's by choice.  (Anyone know the real story behind this?  His music in the WWF was never that bad...).

Third, there's the announcer's tables.  They used to be somewhere out in the midst of the crowd--when they were actually there and not doing voiceovers, that is.  Now, they're directly in the ring area.  This is just so that the announcers can play a more direct part in the action when need be.  And, in the case of the WWF, so that the Spanish Announcer's Table can fulfill it's contractual obligations and break each and every televised broadcast. :)

Finally, there's the ring itself.  The wooden steps of yesteryear have long since been replaced by the (hollow) STEEL steps for the wrestlers to whack each other into.  The ringposts now have pyro stuff attached to them for Kane's entrance and other assorted events.  Because of the advent of the hardcore match, there's now a lot more "stuff" hiding out under the ring apron (ladders, chairs, COOKIE SHEETS OF DOOM~!, etc.).  Also, the ring ropes seem a lot stiffer than they used to be...anyone know why?  They used to be downright wobbly.


Part 3: Monday Night Thumbs

WCW Nitro: Thumbs (Way the fuck) down.  Sid and Hogan make Ian a dull boy.  Sid and Hogan make Ian a dull boy.  Sid and Hogan make Ian a dull boy.  Until Hogan isn't in the main event and Sid is off my TV screen completely (or at LEAST not talking), Nitro has a permanent thumbs down.

I don't normally waste my time with "If I had the book in WCW" (mostly because I'd throw the book into an incinerator and be done with it), here's who would be on top of WCW in my perfect little universe: Kidman, Rey Mysterio, Disco Inferno (w/o gimmick), Benoit, Malenko, Saturn, with Flair as a babyface commissioner that's in the corner of the young guys once and for all.

WWF Raw: Thumbs (Slightly) down.  I really just didn't get into it this week.  Nothing offensive, just a lot of uninteresting angles and matches.  The Heatrate Cru does not approve.  TAKA showing up was kind of cool, but it didn't garner much of a crowd response (and why would it?).  Gangrel and Shamrock was a total dud, and the 234234-way tag team clusterfuck was totally eh.  Jericho being on my TV is good, but they shouldn't be wasting him on a canned TitanTron interview.  The Rock and Mankind getting copious amounts of mic time is just fine and dandy by me (and saves the thumb from plunging further downwards), but I really don't like giving the WWF Tag Titles to two of the top babyface draws in the federation.  Besides the fact that it just wastes the guys, it's almost impossible to legitimately get the titles back into the hands of midcarders since the draws don't want to job.  Well, Mankind will. :)  Double People's Elbow was waaaaay cool.

Well, until Barry Horowitz gets the book, I'm

Ian Serotkin
Jobber-at-Large and Founder of the Heatrate Cru

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission