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Steve Schroeder

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THE RAW IS WAR DRINKING GAME

Long ago, I wrote a drinking game for Nitro. I've often been asked to update it given how obsolete it is now (Jericho? Benoit? Guerrero? Ha ha ha ha!), but that would require me to watch Nitro regularly and also would require WCW not to be exploding. Instead, I'm going to write a Raw is War drinking game. As with the previous game, don't play this with all the stipulations, or you'll be dead by the end of the show. And there are certainly numerous omissions here, so feel free to write me with what I missed.

Thanks to Justin, Seadawg, and anyone else who gave me ideas and whom I'm forgetting.

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General Raw Stuff

  • Raw begins with a match - 2 drinks
  • Raw begins with an interview - 1 drink
    If it actually lasts 20 minutes - 3 drinks
  • You see a Pay-Per-View promo - 1 drink
  • You see footage from a previous Pay-Per-View - 1 drink
    If the old footage is a promo for a new PPV (e.g. Classic WrestleMania) - 3 drinks
  • You see footage from a show from last week - 1 drink
  • You see a replay of a non-wrestling bit from the previous segment - 1 drink
  • Something happens away from the arena - 1 drink
    If it's not at a bar, strip club, or WWF New York - 3 drinks
  • A whole segment from commercial to commercial features no wrestling - 1 drink
    If it doesn't even involve someone getting in the ring - 5 drinks
  • A new wrestler makes his television debut - 1 drink
    If he's not from ECW or WCW - 4 drinks
  • A limousine pulls up in back - 1 drink
    If it doesn't contain a McMahon or HHH - 3 drinks
    If the car ends up getting damaged or destroyed - 5 drinks
  • You see an XFL promo video - 1 drink
    If it features Jesse Ventura and "Gutless" Rusty Tillman - 2 drinks
    If it doesn't feature the cheerleaders or talk about violence - 3 drinks
  • One of the announcers promotes the XFL without an accompanying video - 1 drink
  • An angle or feud is dropped without explanation - 2 drinks
  • A non-wrestler celebrity appears in the crowd - 1 drink
    If that person ends up coming out of the crowd... - 5 drinks
    If that person ends up wrestling... - 10 drinks
  • A sign in the crowd features one or more misspelled words - 1 drink
  • A sign does nothing but repeat a wrestler's catchphrase - 1 drink
  • A sign features a personal message about some friend of the sign holder - 1 drink
  • A sign promotes a wrestling web site or Internet personality - 2 drinks
  • The crowd watches something other than the match - 1 drink
    If it doesn't turn out to be another wrestler running in - 3 drinks
  • The crowd chants that someone sucks - 1 drink
    If it's not Eddy Guerrero or X-Pac... - 2 drinks
  • The crowd chants "asshole" - 1 drink
    If it's not at Vince McMahon or HHH - 3 drinks
  • The crowd chants "slut"
    If it's not at Stephanie McMahon - 10 drinks
  • The crowd chants the name of a wrestler who is not around - 1 drink
    If it's not Rock or Austin - 4 drinks
  • A match is made for the next PPV - 1 drink
    If the next PPV is a week away - 3 drinks
  • A championship changes hands - 2 drinks
  • A temporary superteam wins the tag titles - 3 drinks
  • The main event is made during the show - 1 drink
    If it's not announced by the end of the first big interview - 2 drinks
    If it's not a tag match featuring a wacky mix of upcoming PPV combatants - 3 drinks
  • The main event ends in a screwjob - 1 drink
    If it lasts less than five minutes - 2 drinks
    If it never even starts... - 5 drinks

    Matches

  • Two women wrestle a singles match - 1 drink
    If at least one of them isn't partially stripped by the end - 3 drinks
  • The crowd says "Whoo" after a chop - 1 drink
    If it's not for Chris Benoit - 2 drinks
  • The crowd groans collectively after a painful looking move - 2 drinks
  • A champion actually has his belt around his waist when he comes to the ring - 2 drinks
  • A tag team or stable teases a breakup - 1 drink
    If they actually break up - 3 drinks
  • A wrestler turns with no prior explanation - 1 drink
  • Someone from the crowd jumps the barrier - 2 drinks
    If it doesn't end up being another wrestler - 5 drinks
  • A wrestler who "wasn't scheduled tonight" still has his tights ready - 1 drink
    If he wrestles in street clothes - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler brings a foreign object to the ring for a (non-hardcore) match - 1 drink
  • A wrestler gets a foreign object tossed or handed to him by another wrestler - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler gets a foreign object from under the ring - 3 drinks
  • The referee obviously sees the use of (or fallout from) a foreign object but acts like he has no idea - 1 drink
  • A wrestler gets put through a table - 1 drink
    If it doesn't involve the Dudleys - 2 drinks
    If it's the announce table - 5 drinks
  • A wrestler gets hit with a chair - 1 drink
    If it's two chairs - 2 drinks
    If he's slammed onto six chairs - 6 drinks
  • An announcer claims an out-of-shape wrestler is in good shape - 1 drink
    If they actually admit he's in lousy shape - 3 drinks
  • An announcer says a top-rope move is high-risk right before the wrestler misses it - 1 drink
    If the wrestler hits the move after it's called high-risk - 3 drinks
  • A manager, valet, or partner distracts the referee - 1 drink
    If this happens while the person's ally is getting the crap beat out of him or her - 2 drinks
  • A manager, valet, or out-of-ring partner attacks the wrestler's opponent - 1 drink
    If it doesn't result in the manager/whatever getting manhandled - 2 drinks
  • A tag partner's interference actually results in a disqualification - 3 drinks
  • A face makes a tag immediately after his heel opponent does - 1 drink
  • A heel foils a face's tag attempt by dragging him across the ring by his legs - 2 drinks
  • The referee gets bumped - 1 drink
    If it looks like he barely got tapped before he falls over - 3 drinks
  • A heel begs off - 1 drink
  • A heel pulls his opponent up from a pin attempt - 1 drink
  • A big wrestler throws a smaller wrestler in the air to get out of a pin attempt - 1 drink
  • A wrestler kicks out of another wrestler's finisher - 3 drinks
    If the wrestler who had his finisher kicked out of still ends up winning - 5 drinks
  • A wrestler's finisher is used against him - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler blows one of his signature moves - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler dives out of the ring onto someone outside - 1 drink
    If the wrestler outside catches and holds him - 2 drinks
    If the diving wrestler eats floor - 3 drinks
  • A wrestler bleeds - 2 drinks
    If the blade was visible - 7 drinks
  • A match ends in a no-contest or draw - 1 drink
  • A light heavyweight beats a heavyweight - 2 drinks
    If it's a clean win - 5 drinks
  • A tag match ends with both partners hitting their individual finishers - 1 drink
    If they actually have a team finisher and use it - 2 drinks
  • The face gets beaten after the match - 1 drinks
    If no one makes a save - 2 drinks
    If one face runs two or more heels out of the ring - 3 drinks

    Interviews and Promos

  • A wrestler wears a T-shirt promoting himself or one of his catchphrases - 1 drink
  • A wrestler's entrance ties in to a band or CD promo - 1 drink
  • A wrestler gets cheap face heat by naming the town he's in - 1 drink
    If it's not Mick Foley accompanying it with a thumbs-up--still 1 drink
  • A wrestler gets cheap heel heat by denigrating the town he's in - 1 drink
    If it's not Kurt Angle, Edge, or Christian - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler makes mocking use of wrestling terminology ("run in," "swerve," etc.)
    If it's not Edge or Christian - 3 drinks
  • A wrestler mocks another wrestler's catchphrase - 1 drink
  • The crowd helps a wrestler complete his catchphrase - 1 drink
  • The censor bleeps a wrestler - 1 drink
    If something gets bleeped live but not bleeped on a replay, or vice versa - 3 drinks
  • The censor bleeps the crowd - 3 drinks
  • A wrestler conspicuously avoids saying a word that would be bleeped - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler steals a line from a non-wrestling source - 1 drink
    If he actually credits the source - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler other than the Rock says "jabroni" or another euphemism for "jobber" - 1 drink
    If they actually say "jobber" - 2 drinks
  • A wrestler other than the Rock refers to himself in the 3rd person
  • A wrestler tells the crowd to sit down and shut up, or any close variant - 1 drink
  • Fake versions of real wrestlers (e.g. Midget Dudleys) are brought out - 2 drinks
    If it doesn't involve Edge and Christian - 3 drinks
  • Non-fake-wrestler midgets are brought out - 2 drinks
    If it doesn't involve Al Snow - 3 drinks
  • A wrestler other than a Too Cool member dances - 2 drinks
  • Two or more wrestlers have a pull-apart and are separated by referees - 1 drink
  • A wrestler makes a reference to smoking marijuana - 1 drink

    Assorted Personalities Who Aren't Major Enough to Get Their Own Sections

  • The Acolytes do something involving beer, cigars, cards, or strippers - 1 drink
  • Mick Foley returns - 1 drink
    If he wrestles - 5 drinks
  • Lilian Garcia messes up something in an intro or winner announcement - 1 drink
  • Haku does something exactly the same as what Meng did - 1 drink
    If someone calls him Meng - 10 drinks
  • Paul Heyman mentions Jerry Lawler or one of Lawler's trademarks - 1 drink
  • Kaientai end a promo with anything other than "Indeed" - 3 drinks
  • Jerry Lawler returns to the show - 3 drinks
  • Lo Down appears - 3 drinks
  • Dean Malenko lusts after women - 1 drink
    If he humps someone's leg - 10 drinks
  • Raven gives the same promo he always gives - 1 drink
  • Right to Censor breaks up - 1 drink
    If it involves the return of the Godfather - 3 drinks
  • Rikishi hits the Stinkface - 1 drink
  • Terri Runnels' nipples show through whatever top she's wearing - 1 drink
  • Trish Stratus does something that doesn't involve sexual innuendo - 3 drinks

    Kurt Angle

  • Angle says "It's true" - 1 drink
  • Angle snaps and puts an ankle lock on someone - 1 drink
    If he takes on any other Ken Shamrock mannerisms - 3 drinks
  • Angle complains to an authority figure - 2 drinks
  • Angle wins cleanly - 3 drinks

    Steve Austin

  • Austin gives the double bird - 1 drink
  • Austin says "Gimme a hell yeah" or "That's the bottom line, etc." - 1 drink
  • Austin calls for beers - 1 drink
    If he drops at least one that's thrown to him - 2 drinks
  • Austin drives a vehicle to the ring - 5 drinks
  • Austin does a snap suplex - 8 drinks
  • Austin turns heel - 10 drinks

    Chris Benoit

  • Benoit's missing tooth is prominently mentioned by an announcer, opponent, or sign - 1 drink
  • Benoit smiles without anyone mentioning the evil smile or the tooth - 3 drinks
  • Someone gets to the ropes after being in the Crippler Crossface - 2 drinks
  • Benoit hits all three Rolling German Suplexes - 3 drinks
  • An announcer says Benoit is a rabid wolverine - 1 drink
  • Benoit hits the diving headbutt and sells it as much as his opponent does - 1 drink

    The Big Show

  • The announcers mention the shape Big Show is in - 2 drinks
  • The announcers talk about his size without mentioning the shape he's in - 1 drink
  • Big Show does the "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and chokeslam gesture - 1 drink

    The Dudleys

  • The Dudleys hit 3D - 1 drink
    If it's not through a table - 2 drinks
  • Buh Buh tells D-Von to get a table - 1 drink
  • The crowd chants for a table before one is even brought out - 1 drink
  • The Dudleys do the "wassup" headbutt - 1 drink
  • The Dudleys get called "Damn Dudleys" - 1 drink

    Edge & Christian

  • Edge and Christian use ridiculous pseudo-teen phrases like "hosebeast" or "swankitude" - 1 drink
  • Edge and Christian perform the "Con-chair-to" - 1 drink
  • Edge and Christian plot to regain the tag titles - 1 drink
  • Edge and Christian win the tag titles - 1 drink
    If it's clean - 4 drinks

    Eddy Guerrero

  • Eddy talks about his Latino Heat - 1 drink
  • Eddy uses his Latino Heat on a woman - 2 drinks
  • Eddy gets hurt during a match - 3 drinks

    The Hardys

  • The brothers tease dissension over Lita - 1 drink
  • Teenybopper girls scream when the Hardys come to the ring - 1 drink
  • Yet another Hardy move (team or individual) gets a silly name - 2 drinks

    HHH

  • An opponent mocks HHH's speech by putting "uh" at the end of words - 1 drink
  • HHH cripples an opponent - 1 drink
    If he uses a sledgehammer - 4 drinks
  • Someone calls HHH "cerebral" - 1 drink
  • HHH acts like a face - 1 drink
    If it isn't followed shortly by something heelish - 2 drinks
  • HHH has marital difficulties or general woman problems - 1 drink

    Chris Jericho

  • Jericho says "eeeeeever," "shut the hell up," or "Raw is Jericho," - 1 drink
    If he cuts a promo free of those catchphrases - 5 drinks
  • Jericho only hits with his legs on the Lionsault, or only hits his opponent's legs - 1 drink
  • Jericho messes up a wrestler's name or calls him "Junior" - 1 drink
  • Jericho continues to use "Y2J" despite it being an outdated name - 1 drink

    Kane

  • Kane summons fire - 1 drink
  • Kane takes off his mask - 5 drinks
    If there's another mask underneath it - 10 drinks
  • Undertaker and Kane wrestle as a team - 1 drink
    If it doesn't end with double chokeslams - 3 drinks

    Lita

  • Lita's thong is visible - 1 drink
    If you can actually see crack - 5 drinks
  • Lita does a moonsault or rana - 1 drink
  • Lita does at least two non-moonsault or rana moves - 2 drinks

    Stephanie McMahon

  • Stephanie says "My [insert relative here]" in her annoying voice - 1 drink
  • Stephanie takes a wrestler's finisher - 2 drinks
    If it's not a Rock Bottom or Stunner - 5 drinks
  • Stephanie strips to bra and panties - 10 drinks

    Vince McMahon

  • Vince says "in the interest of fairness," "take it under advisement," or "in this very ring" - 1 drink
  • Vince's Adam's Apple bobs noticeably in fear as a face confronts him - 1 drink
  • Vince pretends he's going to do something the crowd will like, then takes it back - 1 drink
  • Vince wets himself - 10 drinks

    William Regal

  • Regal uses a Vince McMahon catchphrase - 1 drink
  • An announcer calls Regal "Steven" - 1 drink
  • Regal uses a British expression or phrase to sound like a snob - 1 drink

    The Rock

  • Rock says "If you smell what the Rock is cookin'" - 1 drink
    If he does it without that "lalalalalaow" tongue thing - 2 drinks
  • Rock makes odd phrases out of animal parts and functions (e.g. "monkey piss" or "llama anus" - 1 drink
  • Rock raises his eyebrow - 1 drink
    If it's during a match or staredown rather than an interview - 2 drinks
  • Rock talks about pie - 1 drink
  • Rock hits the People's Elbow - 1 drink
    If someone interrupts the Elbow - 3 drinks

    Jim Ross

  • JR calls Chris Jericho "Benoit" or Chris Benoit "Jericho" - 1 drink
  • The first words JR utters on Steve Austin's entrance are "The Rattlesnake" - 1 drink
  • JR says "slobberknocker" - 1 drink
  • JR wonders what Sting thinks of all this-drink until dead

    The Undertaker

  • Undertaker rides his bike to the ring - 1 drink
    If he walks to the ring - 2 drinks
    If he actually runs to the ring - 5 drinks
    If he rides a bicycle to the ring - 10 drinks
  • Undertaker says "Dead man walking" or any other undead-turned-biker catchphrase - 1 drink
  • Someone explains where all the Undertaker's magical undead powers went - 10 drinks

    Steve Schroeder
    [slash] wrestling

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