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THE RAW IS WAR DRINKING GAME
Long ago, I wrote a drinking game for Nitro. I've often been asked to
update it given how obsolete it is now (Jericho? Benoit? Guerrero? Ha ha
ha ha!), but that would require me to watch Nitro regularly and also would
require WCW not to be exploding. Instead, I'm going to write a Raw is War
drinking game. As with the previous game, don't play this with all the
stipulations, or you'll be dead by the end of the show. And there are
certainly numerous omissions here, so feel free to write me with what I
missed.
Thanks to Justin, Seadawg, and anyone else who gave me ideas and whom I'm
forgetting.
VISIT THIS SITE: Swedish porn and wrestling ribaldry - <http://www.geocities.com/thewholejfnshow>.
General Raw Stuff
Raw begins with a match - 2 drinks
Raw begins with an interview - 1 drink
If it actually lasts 20 minutes - 3 drinks
You see a Pay-Per-View promo - 1 drink
You see footage from a previous Pay-Per-View - 1 drink
If the old footage is a promo for a new PPV (e.g. Classic WrestleMania) - 3
drinks
You see footage from a show from last week - 1 drink
You see a replay of a non-wrestling bit from the previous segment - 1 drink
Something happens away from the arena - 1 drink
If it's not at a bar, strip club, or WWF New York - 3 drinks
A whole segment from commercial to commercial features no wrestling - 1
drink
If it doesn't even involve someone getting in the ring - 5 drinks
A new wrestler makes his television debut - 1 drink
If he's not from ECW or WCW - 4 drinks
A limousine pulls up in back - 1 drink
If it doesn't contain a McMahon or HHH - 3 drinks
If the car ends up getting damaged or destroyed - 5 drinks
You see an XFL promo video - 1 drink
If it features Jesse Ventura and "Gutless" Rusty Tillman - 2 drinks
If it doesn't feature the cheerleaders or talk about violence - 3 drinks
One of the announcers promotes the XFL without an accompanying video - 1 drink
An angle or feud is dropped without explanation - 2 drinks
A non-wrestler celebrity appears in the crowd - 1 drink
If that person ends up coming out of the crowd... - 5 drinks
If that person ends up wrestling... - 10 drinks
A sign in the crowd features one or more misspelled words - 1 drink
A sign does nothing but repeat a wrestler's catchphrase - 1 drink
A sign features a personal message about some friend of the sign holder - 1
drink
A sign promotes a wrestling web site or Internet personality - 2 drinks
The crowd watches something other than the match - 1 drink
If it doesn't turn out to be another wrestler running in - 3 drinks
The crowd chants that someone sucks - 1 drink
If it's not Eddy Guerrero or X-Pac... - 2 drinks
The crowd chants "asshole" - 1 drink
If it's not at Vince McMahon or HHH - 3 drinks
The crowd chants "slut"
If it's not at Stephanie McMahon - 10 drinks
The crowd chants the name of a wrestler who is not around - 1 drink
If it's not Rock or Austin - 4 drinks
A match is made for the next PPV - 1 drink
If the next PPV is a week away - 3 drinks
A championship changes hands - 2 drinks
A temporary superteam wins the tag titles - 3 drinks
The main event is made during the show - 1 drink
If it's not announced by the end of the first big interview - 2 drinks
If it's not a tag match featuring a wacky mix of upcoming PPV
combatants - 3 drinks
The main event ends in a screwjob - 1 drink
If it lasts less than five minutes - 2 drinks
If it never even starts... - 5 drinks
Matches
Two women wrestle a singles match - 1 drink
If at least one of them isn't partially stripped by the end - 3 drinks
The crowd says "Whoo" after a chop - 1 drink
If it's not for Chris Benoit - 2 drinks
The crowd groans collectively after a painful looking move - 2 drinks
A champion actually has his belt around his waist when he comes to the
ring - 2 drinks
A tag team or stable teases a breakup - 1 drink
If they actually break up - 3 drinks
A wrestler turns with no prior explanation - 1 drink
Someone from the crowd jumps the barrier - 2 drinks
If it doesn't end up being another wrestler - 5 drinks
A wrestler who "wasn't scheduled tonight" still has his tights ready - 1
drink
If he wrestles in street clothes - 2 drinks
A wrestler brings a foreign object to the ring for a (non-hardcore)
match - 1 drink
A wrestler gets a foreign object tossed or handed to him by another
wrestler - 2 drinks
A wrestler gets a foreign object from under the ring - 3 drinks
The referee obviously sees the use of (or fallout from) a foreign object
but acts like he has no idea - 1 drink
A wrestler gets put through a table - 1 drink
If it doesn't involve the Dudleys - 2 drinks
If it's the announce table - 5 drinks
A wrestler gets hit with a chair - 1 drink
If it's two chairs - 2 drinks
If he's slammed onto six chairs - 6 drinks
An announcer claims an out-of-shape wrestler is in good shape - 1 drink
If they actually admit he's in lousy shape - 3 drinks
An announcer says a top-rope move is high-risk right before the wrestler
misses it - 1 drink
If the wrestler hits the move after it's called high-risk - 3 drinks
A manager, valet, or partner distracts the referee - 1 drink
If this happens while the person's ally is getting the crap beat out of
him or her - 2 drinks
A manager, valet, or out-of-ring partner attacks the wrestler's
opponent - 1 drink
If it doesn't result in the manager/whatever getting manhandled - 2 drinks
A tag partner's interference actually results in a disqualification - 3 drinks
A face makes a tag immediately after his heel opponent does - 1 drink
A heel foils a face's tag attempt by dragging him across the ring by his
legs - 2 drinks
The referee gets bumped - 1 drink
If it looks like he barely got tapped before he falls over - 3 drinks
A heel begs off - 1 drink
A heel pulls his opponent up from a pin attempt - 1 drink
A big wrestler throws a smaller wrestler in the air to get out of a pin
attempt - 1 drink
A wrestler kicks out of another wrestler's finisher - 3 drinks
If the wrestler who had his finisher kicked out of still ends up
winning - 5 drinks
A wrestler's finisher is used against him - 2 drinks
A wrestler blows one of his signature moves - 2 drinks
A wrestler dives out of the ring onto someone outside - 1 drink
If the wrestler outside catches and holds him - 2 drinks
If the diving wrestler eats floor - 3 drinks
A wrestler bleeds - 2 drinks
If the blade was visible - 7 drinks
A match ends in a no-contest or draw - 1 drink
A light heavyweight beats a heavyweight - 2 drinks
If it's a clean win - 5 drinks
A tag match ends with both partners hitting their individual finishers - 1
drink
If they actually have a team finisher and use it - 2 drinks
The face gets beaten after the match - 1 drinks
If no one makes a save - 2 drinks
If one face runs two or more heels out of the ring - 3 drinks
Interviews and Promos
A wrestler wears a T-shirt promoting himself or one of his catchphrases - 1
drink
A wrestler's entrance ties in to a band or CD promo - 1 drink
A wrestler gets cheap face heat by naming the town he's in - 1 drink
If it's not Mick Foley accompanying it with a thumbs-up--still 1 drink
A wrestler gets cheap heel heat by denigrating the town he's in - 1 drink
If it's not Kurt Angle, Edge, or Christian - 2 drinks
A wrestler makes mocking use of wrestling terminology ("run in,"
"swerve," etc.)
If it's not Edge or Christian - 3 drinks
A wrestler mocks another wrestler's catchphrase - 1 drink
The crowd helps a wrestler complete his catchphrase - 1 drink
The censor bleeps a wrestler - 1 drink
If something gets bleeped live but not bleeped on a replay, or vice
versa - 3 drinks
The censor bleeps the crowd - 3 drinks
A wrestler conspicuously avoids saying a word that would be bleeped - 2 drinks
A wrestler steals a line from a non-wrestling source - 1 drink
If he actually credits the source - 2 drinks
A wrestler other than the Rock says "jabroni" or another euphemism for
"jobber" - 1 drink
If they actually say "jobber" - 2 drinks
A wrestler other than the Rock refers to himself in the 3rd person
A wrestler tells the crowd to sit down and shut up, or any close
variant - 1 drink
Fake versions of real wrestlers (e.g. Midget Dudleys) are brought out - 2
drinks
If it doesn't involve Edge and Christian - 3 drinks
Non-fake-wrestler midgets are brought out - 2 drinks
If it doesn't involve Al Snow - 3 drinks
A wrestler other than a Too Cool member dances - 2 drinks
Two or more wrestlers have a pull-apart and are separated by referees - 1 drink
A wrestler makes a reference to smoking marijuana - 1 drink
Assorted Personalities Who Aren't Major Enough to Get Their Own Sections
The Acolytes do something involving beer, cigars, cards, or strippers - 1 drink
Mick Foley returns - 1 drink
If he wrestles - 5 drinks
Lilian Garcia messes up something in an intro or winner announcement - 1 drink
Haku does something exactly the same as what Meng did - 1 drink
If someone calls him Meng - 10 drinks
Paul Heyman mentions Jerry Lawler or one of Lawler's trademarks - 1 drink
Kaientai end a promo with anything other than "Indeed" - 3 drinks
Jerry Lawler returns to the show - 3 drinks
Lo Down appears - 3 drinks
Dean Malenko lusts after women - 1 drink
If he humps someone's leg - 10 drinks
Raven gives the same promo he always gives - 1 drink
Right to Censor breaks up - 1 drink
If it involves the return of the Godfather - 3 drinks
Rikishi hits the Stinkface - 1 drink
Terri Runnels' nipples show through whatever top she's wearing - 1 drink
Trish Stratus does something that doesn't involve sexual innuendo - 3 drinks
Kurt Angle
Angle says "It's true" - 1 drink
Angle snaps and puts an ankle lock on someone - 1 drink
If he takes on any other Ken Shamrock mannerisms - 3 drinks
Angle complains to an authority figure - 2 drinks
Angle wins cleanly - 3 drinks
Steve Austin
Austin gives the double bird - 1 drink
Austin says "Gimme a hell yeah" or "That's the bottom line, etc." - 1 drink
Austin calls for beers - 1 drink
If he drops at least one that's thrown to him - 2 drinks
Austin drives a vehicle to the ring - 5 drinks
Austin does a snap suplex - 8 drinks
Austin turns heel - 10 drinks
Chris Benoit
Benoit's missing tooth is prominently mentioned by an announcer,
opponent, or sign - 1 drink
Benoit smiles without anyone mentioning the evil smile or the tooth - 3 drinks
Someone gets to the ropes after being in the Crippler Crossface - 2 drinks
Benoit hits all three Rolling German Suplexes - 3 drinks
An announcer says Benoit is a rabid wolverine - 1 drink
Benoit hits the diving headbutt and sells it as much as his opponent
does - 1 drink
The Big Show
The announcers mention the shape Big Show is in - 2 drinks
The announcers talk about his size without mentioning the shape he's in - 1
drink
Big Show does the "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and chokeslam gesture - 1 drink
The Dudleys
The Dudleys hit 3D - 1 drink
If it's not through a table - 2 drinks
Buh Buh tells D-Von to get a table - 1 drink
The crowd chants for a table before one is even brought out - 1 drink
The Dudleys do the "wassup" headbutt - 1 drink
The Dudleys get called "Damn Dudleys" - 1 drink
Edge & Christian
Edge and Christian use ridiculous pseudo-teen phrases like "hosebeast" or
"swankitude" - 1 drink
Edge and Christian perform the "Con-chair-to" - 1 drink
Edge and Christian plot to regain the tag titles - 1 drink
Edge and Christian win the tag titles - 1 drink
If it's clean - 4 drinks
Eddy Guerrero
Eddy talks about his Latino Heat - 1 drink
Eddy uses his Latino Heat on a woman - 2 drinks
Eddy gets hurt during a match - 3 drinks
The Hardys
The brothers tease dissension over Lita - 1 drink
Teenybopper girls scream when the Hardys come to the ring - 1 drink
Yet another Hardy move (team or individual) gets a silly name - 2 drinks
HHH
An opponent mocks HHH's speech by putting "uh" at the end of words - 1 drink
HHH cripples an opponent - 1 drink
If he uses a sledgehammer - 4 drinks
Someone calls HHH "cerebral" - 1 drink
HHH acts like a face - 1 drink
If it isn't followed shortly by something heelish - 2 drinks
HHH has marital difficulties or general woman problems - 1 drink
Chris Jericho
Jericho says "eeeeeever," "shut the hell up," or "Raw is Jericho," - 1
drink
If he cuts a promo free of those catchphrases - 5 drinks
Jericho only hits with his legs on the Lionsault, or only hits his
opponent's legs - 1 drink
Jericho messes up a wrestler's name or calls him "Junior" - 1 drink
Jericho continues to use "Y2J" despite it being an outdated name - 1 drink
Kane
Kane summons fire - 1 drink
Kane takes off his mask - 5 drinks
If there's another mask underneath it - 10 drinks
Undertaker and Kane wrestle as a team - 1 drink
If it doesn't end with double chokeslams - 3 drinks
Lita
Lita's thong is visible - 1 drink
If you can actually see crack - 5 drinks
Lita does a moonsault or rana - 1 drink
Lita does at least two non-moonsault or rana moves - 2 drinks
Stephanie McMahon
Stephanie says "My [insert relative here]" in her annoying voice - 1 drink
Stephanie takes a wrestler's finisher - 2 drinks
If it's not a Rock Bottom or Stunner - 5 drinks
Stephanie strips to bra and panties - 10 drinks
Vince McMahon
Vince says "in the interest of fairness," "take it under advisement," or
"in this very ring" - 1 drink
Vince's Adam's Apple bobs noticeably in fear as a face confronts him - 1 drink
Vince pretends he's going to do something the crowd will like, then takes
it back - 1 drink
Vince wets himself - 10 drinks
William Regal
Regal uses a Vince McMahon catchphrase - 1 drink
An announcer calls Regal "Steven" - 1 drink
Regal uses a British expression or phrase to sound like a snob - 1 drink
The Rock
Rock says "If you smell what the Rock is cookin'" - 1 drink
If he does it without that "lalalalalaow" tongue thing - 2 drinks
Rock makes odd phrases out of animal parts and functions (e.g. "monkey
piss" or "llama anus" - 1 drink
Rock raises his eyebrow - 1 drink
If it's during a match or staredown rather than an interview - 2 drinks
Rock talks about pie - 1 drink
Rock hits the People's Elbow - 1 drink
If someone interrupts the Elbow - 3 drinks
Jim Ross
JR calls Chris Jericho "Benoit" or Chris Benoit "Jericho" - 1 drink
The first words JR utters on Steve Austin's entrance are "The
Rattlesnake" - 1 drink
JR says "slobberknocker" - 1 drink
JR wonders what Sting thinks of all this-drink until dead
The Undertaker
Undertaker rides his bike to the ring - 1 drink
If he walks to the ring - 2 drinks
If he actually runs to the ring - 5 drinks
If he rides a bicycle to the ring - 10 drinks
Undertaker says "Dead man walking" or any other undead-turned-biker
catchphrase - 1 drink
Someone explains where all the Undertaker's magical undead powers went - 10
drinks
Steve Schroeder
[slash] wrestling
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